How did I end up like this?

[sigh]

I am ashamed to say that I was in an EA with a married man for almost a year.

When we met I knew he was married, but didn't see the problem in us being friends. We had the best conversations and became very close. I knew he had no intentions of leaving his wife, which was fine because we were just friends. We developed a bond and connection and soon the friendship turned intimate. We were physical 3 times during that time period.

He talked about leaving his wife once, which I told him I didn't feel that was a good idea because he made a commitment and needed to follow through on it. Kind of hypocritical of me considering what I was doing with him, right?

I had some major issues come up in my life that he helped me through which is when I realized that I was in love with him. At which point, I cut off all contact.

I missed him so much that after a while, I resumed contact with him. It's not the same, we only talk sporadically now, which is how it should be considering the circumstances.

My problem is that I am still in love with him and the fact that I was used is tearing me apart internally. I miss him all day, every day, but have not contacted him at all in a few months, all the contact is from him, which I don't ignore.

I just needed to vent.

Thank you for reading

[whichwayisup]

You need to tell him goodbye and ask him to stop contacting you. You cannot be just friends with him because of your feelings for him.

 

My problem is that I am still in love with him and the fact that I was used is tearing me apart internally.

 

Sorry to say this, but it seems you two used eachother. Knowing he was married, allowing a close friendship, allowing something to happen between you two can't just be put on him..It took both of you.

 

You cut contact once, you can do it again - For your own sake. He isn't going to leave his wife and you deserve more than he can ever give you. Being his OW is preventing you from meeting someone else and falling inlove.

 

Do keep busy, get together with your friends, family - People who care about you and let them help you through this.

 

You were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again one day - But you need to decide to fight the urge to contact him. Try blocking his email address so you aren't tempted to write him back.

[sigh]

I don't think I was using him. His friendship means a lot to me.

I guess I'm just feeling a lot of self pity over the loss of the friendship and the fact that the friendship wasn't his main goal, that is what makes me feel used. The close friendship was easy for him to walk away from. I will definitely get over the romantic feelings for him, it's the loss of what I thought was a close friendship that breaks my heart.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I'm just feeling a lot of self pity over the loss of the friendship and the fact that the friendship wasn't his main goal

 

Ofcourse it wasn't going to be his main goal. He's married. And, you both knew better, yet still allowed it turn physical.

 

Married folks can't have close friendships that get that deep with members of the opposite sex, it just isn't healthy for a marriage. Let me ask you, if you were married, would you allow yourself to bond with another man, call him, see him, get close to him, spend time with him one on one? My guess is no. Imagine how you would feel if your husband developed a close bond/friendship with another woman that you didn't know.

 

This MM put himself in this situation and he's backed off, yet still wants an ego feed. So please end everything, you cannot be 'just' friends with him. Not anymore, because you two crossed the lines from platonic to non platonic.

[sigh]

I know, you're right. That doesn't make it any easier though.

When I cut him off completely last time, he got angry but after I explained myself, he told me I deserved better, so he would respect my wishes, which he did.

We haven't discussed anything of a sexual nature or been intimate since we started talking again, it's just been chit chat, but I guess it is still not fair to his wife that we speak at all. It leaves to many doors open. I have to do what's right, since I haven't done that for a while in this situation.

It's so hard to lose who I felt was my best friend. The person that I could call for anything and he would listen and give advice and be there for me and I would so the same for him.

I just keep wondering if he did all of those things for me strictly because he felt he would get laid out of it.

[whichwayisup]

He has no right to be that angry seeing as he is married! I bet he would FLIP OUT if he found out his wife was close to another man, having sex with him...

 

You're best to focus on a friendship that IS meaningful and real - Turn to your women friends for support. You don't need this guy because at the end of the day, he isn't yours, he isn't availabe - Even though he's making it seem like he is.

 

I just keep wondering if he did all of those things for me strictly because he felt he would get laid out of it.

 

I'm not a guy, but yes. I wouldn't say ALL the time, but alot of time. Men in general think women want them, even a slight flirt or a hello, they go into fantasy mode "That woman WANTS me..." It's just how their minds work. (OK, I'm generalizing abit too, so no offense to men.)

[whichwayisup]

We haven't discussed anything of a sexual nature or been intimate since we started talking again, it's just been chit chat

 

Not yet, but eventually it'll come up in conversation, or will be strongly hinted at.

 

Just be honest with him and tell him that you can't handle ANY type of friendship with him and it would be best for YOU if he stopped contacting you and left you alone. Ask him to respect your wishes - If he doesn't then block his email, block his phone number.

[sigh]

I'm just going to block him.

I know I deserve the pain and self doubt because of what I allowed to happen.

I will never understand how 2 people can be in the same relationship and one person can value the other so much, while the other couldn't care less.

I guess I was played.

[wildsoul]

I'm just going to block him.

I know I deserve the pain and self doubt because of what I allowed to happen.

I will never understand how 2 people can be in the same relationship and one person can value the other so much, while the other couldn't care less.

I guess I was played.

So concise. So clear. So sane. Well done!

 

If you start going through withdrawals and angst after you block him, post here instead of contacting him. We'll help you get through it.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you were, maybe you weren't..But he is a married man and sometimes a MM does fall for the OW, sometimes he doesn't. Even those who do fall for their OW still won't leave their families, wives, for the OW.

 

He put himself in a place where he one day would have to choose. I feel for you, but not for him!

 

Definately block him and try to heal. You can start by forgiving yourself and stop being so hard on yourself too. All that does is make you feel worse.

[Meaplus3]

I am ashamed to say that I was in an EA with a married man for almost a year.

When we met I knew he was married, but didn't see the problem in us being friends. We had the best conversations and became very close. I knew he had no intentions of leaving his wife, which was fine because we were just friends. We developed a bond and connection and soon the friendship turned intimate. We were physical 3 times during that time period.

He talked about leaving his wife once, which I told him I didn't feel that was a good idea because he made a commitment and needed to follow through on it. Kind of hypocritical of me considering what I was doing with him, right?

I had some major issues come up in my life that he helped me through which is when I realized that I was in love with him. At which point, I cut off all contact.

I missed him so much that after a while, I resumed contact with him. It's not the same, we only talk sporadically now, which is how it should be considering the circumstances.

My problem is that I am still in love with him and the fact that I was used is tearing me apart internally. I miss him all day, every day, but have not contacted him at all in a few months, all the contact is from him, which I don't ignore.

I just needed to vent.

Thank you for reading

 

I would tell him not to contact you any further. I realize you feel used and played.. and it hurts. But, do give yourself some credit for seeing that and use it to your advantage to move past this MM. Hang in there.

 

AP:)

[sigh]

I want my self esteem back.

I just can't figure out what about me made him feel it was OK to use me.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to say this, but when someone gets involved with a married person, it is part of the situation itself.

 

You looked at it as a real deep friendship. It was...BUT, it crossed the lines by getting too emotional and then turned physical.

 

How to get your self esteem back? Distance yourself from him forever, cut him out of your life. Be with loving friends, family and people who LOVE YOU. Get counselling if need be, anything to help you get back on track again..

[sigh]

I just blocked him from everything except my phone because I'm not sure how to do that. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel that he deserves an explanation. He's moving along with his life without a second thought about me.

I hope I can get myself back to me again. I miss feeling good about myself.

[smile711]

Have you tried any sort of counseling? I am working with my family doctor, counselor, and minister to sort out why I did this, how I can get past it, and how I can manage to never do it again. It's been a month (23 days) with NC. Many people say that there is a chance that he will try to contact me again eventually so I am steeling myself for that time. I want to be strong if and when that time comes.

[OWoman]

Married folks can't have close friendships that get that deep with members of the opposite sex, it just isn't healthy for a marriage. Let me ask you, if you were married, would you allow yourself to bond with another man, call him, see him, get close to him, spend time with him one on one? My guess is no.

 

Why? I have heaps of very very close friendships with men, many of whom are married. There's absolutely nothing sexual about them, nor would there ever be, because we're friends, and once someone is in the "friend" box, they're precious and loved and that's where they're kept. Suggesting that close friendships are not possible across the gender divide - especially of one or both of the partners are married (to other people) is so Harry-met-Sally. It can, and does, work, unless people choose otherwise.

[whichwayisup]

There's a big difference of platonic friendships between men and women, even when married.

 

Spouses need to know that person, let alone be OK with the closeness of the friendship.

 

His wife in this situation does NOT know the OP, let alone know they are TOO close for comfort.

 

OFCOURSE married folks are allowed to have opposite sex friends - As long as there's a common respect for eachother and the marriage itself.

 

Would you be OK if your spouse befriended another woman, a woman that you knew was completely inlove with your husband and he spent lots of one on one time with her, helping her, listening to her, confiding TO her - Growing together, getting emotionally attached to eachother, excluding you from their friendship?

[wildsoul]

OFCOURSE married folks are allowed to have opposite sex friends - As long as there's a common respect for eachother and the marriage itself.

I've always made a point to go out of my way to make the GF/W's of my male friends feel safe with me. They are always invited to anything I do with their partner, and in general, I don't spend a lot of time with the man alone--not unless it's something she was invited but declined to do. She doesn't have to wonder if my intentions are clean, I make extra efforts to show her.

[OWoman]

There's a big difference of platonic friendships between men and women, even when married.

 

Spouses need to know that person, let alone be OK with the closeness of the friendship.

 

His wife in this situation does NOT know the OP, let alone know they are TOO close for comfort.

 

OFCOURSE married folks are allowed to have opposite sex friends - As long as there's a common respect for eachother and the marriage itself.

 

Well, by those criteria I'd be forbidden from any married male friends, since I lack respect for the institution of marriage. Nor do I know many of the partners of male friends - and some that I do, I don't get on with particularly or at all, so we socialise one-on-one, or in a group, without their partners around. I guess that would also be a no-no, but it's worked fine for us all these years.

 

And not one line crossed, ever - simply because that's never been on the agenda. If I'd wanted them as lovers - or them me - that's what we'd have been. We chose to be friends, and friends - close, valued, much loved friends - is what we are.

 

Would you be OK if your spouse befriended another woman, a woman that you knew was completely inlove with your husband and he spent lots of one on one time with her, helping her, listening to her, confiding TO her - Growing together, getting emotionally attached to eachother, excluding you from their friendship?

 

BTDT. It didn't bug me in the slightest - I thought she was rather sad and pathetic, and so did he at least initially, but he was responsible for mentoring her at work and needed to spend a lot of time with her for that reason. Maybe she hit on him, who cares? If he wanted her he could have had her with my blessing - but it was me he wanted, and she even grumbled to another colleague that all he ever spoke about was me. I figure, if you're that insecure in your relationship where that kind of thing is threatening, then celebrate the crisis it provoked because there's a message in there: something's not working for someone, and something needs mending or ending.

[Owl]

Owoman, honest question for you. Not an attack, but its a blunt question.

 

Your view on monogamy and all that is understood. And you and I have discussed your view on opposite sex friendships, so I know where you're coming from there.

 

Where I'm curious is if you somehow maintain some kind of emotional distance between yourself and others you're in a relationship with?

 

Honestly...most of the people that I've known that were cheated on were completely devestated by that. BECAUSE they were so emotionally close to the person who cheated on them.

 

How do you AVOID that feeling of devestation...how do you get to that point of the "so what" attitude about if they cheat WITHOUT maintaining a large emotional distance from them?

 

Say your MM decided to go back to his BW today. I know you'd say something along the lines of "if that's his choice, then they deserve each other". But how do you really feel that way about someone unless you've ALREADY emotionally detached from them?

 

Does my question make sense at all?

 

Not attacking you...trying to understand how you keep that viewpoint without keeping an emotional gap as a buffer zone.

[OWoman]

Owoman, honest question for you. Not an attack, but its a blunt question.

 

Your view on monogamy and all that is understood. And you and I have discussed your view on opposite sex friendships, so I know where you're coming from there.

 

Where I'm curious is if you somehow maintain some kind of emotional distance between yourself and others you're in a relationship with?

 

Honestly...most of the people that I've known that were cheated on were completely devestated by that. BECAUSE they were so emotionally close to the person who cheated on them.

 

How do you AVOID that feeling of devestation...how do you get to that point of the "so what" attitude about if they cheat WITHOUT maintaining a large emotional distance from them?

 

Say your MM decided to go back to his BW today. I know you'd say something along the lines of "if that's his choice, then they deserve each other". But how do you really feel that way about someone unless you've ALREADY emotionally detached from them?

 

Does my question make sense at all?

 

Not attacking you...trying to understand how you keep that viewpoint without keeping an emotional gap as a buffer zone.

 

Owl that is a good question. I'm not saying I wouldn't be gutted - or something similar, I don't know; I've never been dumped before but I've lost several very dear friends to death so I do know loss quite intimately. But at the same time I would far rather face up to the honesty of the situation - if we were into overtime and the whistle had blown, then, time to leave the pitch. Yes it would hurt - and yes I would wish bitterly that it hadn't ended then / that way - but I'd far rather deal with the authenticity of the situation, that it was over, than try to keep it on life support causing both of us to live a life of quiet desperation. If it's not working, mend it or end it. Faking orgasms, faking happiness, faking relationships - it's all the same to me. I can't live that kind of lie. It's got to be the real deal for me. I can't settle for less. I've walked out of jobs, relationships, even friendships, that stopped working and started greying into compromise. I'd rather leap into the abyss with nothing to catch me.

 

I guess I'm just not the marrying kind...

[Owl]

Thanks for the response...and thanks for realizing that it wasn't intended to blast you either.

 

In most marriages, you periodically talk about what would happen if one or the other cheated. It comes up occasionally, when you see a show about it on TV, or when a friend's marriage is suddenly hit with it...you start thinking about what you'd do in their shoes...and you sometimes discuss it with your spouse.

 

My wife and I talked about this many times over all the years of our marriage. We both firmly believed that if the other cheated, we'd be gone so fast that there'd be a vacuum in the air where we'd been standing. When she HAD her affair, she was completely convinced that this is exactly what I'd do. As a matter of fact, that was the primary reason why she made OM buy the plane tickets for a couple of days AFTER d-day...so that she could see what happened and make sure that our kids were taken care of BEFORE she left to go see him.

 

But once faced with the reality, it turned out that its not what I did at all. Instead, I sat down and thought about our options, thought about at what point I WOULD 'give up'...and then decided to fight and save our marriage.

 

And...I won't lie. For the first few weeks, our relationship WAS a lie. She lied to me about contact with him, she lied to me about her short term goals...our relationship was non-existant...it was a SHAM.

 

But, through the course of working through all of this...it gave her a chance to open her eyes, see what she was doing...and realize that she was going to lose me for REAL.

 

What we've got now is as real as it gets. Things now are GREAT. And she feels the same way.

 

We don't REALLY know what we'll do until we get there. I THOUGHT I knew what I'd do...til I got there.

 

Hopefully you'll never find that out, my friend. But its a point to consider...

[wildsoul]

If it's not working, mend it or end it. Faking orgasms, faking happiness, faking relationships - it's all the same to me. I can't live that kind of lie. It's got to be the real deal for me. I can't settle for less. I've walked out of jobs, relationships, even friendships, that stopped working and started greying into compromise. I'd rather leap into the abyss with nothing to catch me.

 

I guess I'm just not the marrying kind...

I'm right there with you, sister! Even though it's a good deal more convenient to lead a compromised but stable life, I cannot do it. But does that make one not the marrying kind? I think I am the marrying kind, albeit I've had to modify the idea that a marriage is forever to one person. Perhaps I'm the serial monogamist type.

[OWoman]

Thanks for the response...and thanks for realizing that it wasn't intended to blast you either.

 

In most marriages, you periodically talk about what would happen if one or the other cheated. It comes up occasionally, when you see a show about it on TV, or when a friend's marriage is suddenly hit with it...you start thinking about what you'd do in their shoes...and you sometimes discuss it with your spouse.

 

My wife and I talked about this many times over all the years of our marriage. We both firmly believed that if the other cheated, we'd be gone so fast that there'd be a vacuum in the air where we'd been standing. When she HAD her affair, she was completely convinced that this is exactly what I'd do. As a matter of fact, that was the primary reason why she made OM buy the plane tickets for a couple of days AFTER d-day...so that she could see what happened and make sure that our kids were taken care of BEFORE she left to go see him.

 

But once faced with the reality, it turned out that its not what I did at all. Instead, I sat down and thought about our options, thought about at what point I WOULD 'give up'...and then decided to fight and save our marriage.

 

And...I won't lie. For the first few weeks, our relationship WAS a lie. She lied to me about contact with him, she lied to me about her short term goals...our relationship was non-existant...it was a SHAM.

 

But, through the course of working through all of this...it gave her a chance to open her eyes, see what she was doing...and realize that she was going to lose me for REAL.

 

What we've got now is as real as it gets. Things now are GREAT. And she feels the same way.

 

We don't REALLY know what we'll do until we get there. I THOUGHT I knew what I'd do...til I got there.

 

Hopefully you'll never find that out, my friend. But its a point to consider...

 

Owl I think there are two different issues there (well, for me anyway): one is "cheating", and the other is being / staying together. For you, it seems, they weren't that distinct - cheating was a deal-breaker for you. It's not the same for me - I don't have an issue with non-exclusivity, sexually - so it wouldn't be "cheating" for me. If MM fell in love with someone else? Well, I guess that could happen, but given how much of a one-woman man he is, it would almost certainly go along with a falling out of love - or at least, moving to a different kind of love - with me, and if I didn't pick up on that at the time, well, then I'd deserve to lose him.

 

The being / staying together thing is more of an issue for me - and if it came to one or the other of us wanting, or needing, out, I'd hope we'd have the courage of our convictions to say so, and not to patronise the other with projections of pity. That, more than anything else, would signal to me the death of the R. The day we stop asking, and listening, to how each other is, and assume we know, I reckon we should pack it up.

 

We don't talk about "cheating" - but we talk often about other "what ifs". And we're honest, and we know what the struggles are, and what the tipping points would be. Though, as you say, you don't know until you get there. Sometimes when the choices ou're facing are so very stark, you summon the courage to make decisions you never imagined possible.

[Owl]

Owoman...again, a good point.

 

When we'd talked about 'cheating'...we never distinguished between sleeping with someone else and falling in love with someone else. (as sappy as this sounds, I don't think either of us really considered the idea of the other falling in love with someone else...look at how wrong WE were! LOL)

 

In my case, it was about both, really.

 

She was convinced she was in love with someone else.

 

I believe(d) that she was in love with the idea of getting away from all the day to day stress we were going through, and the stressful situation that she'd created over that last year.

 

She didn't know OM well enough, didn't have enough contact with OM to have truly fallen in love with him...she didn't know enough about him to BE in love with him.

 

However...I knew that if she got on that plane...if she went to "see if it would work out between them"....I wouldn't take her back.

 

That was my boundary.

 

Perhaps one that doesn't make much sense...but there ya go.