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Confused4Now

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sSome of you have followed my story in the infidelity forum.

 

Labeled "Tired of ducking and hiding"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155405/

 

I figured it was time to move it over as I'm pretty much the OM now. So the update is the MW's H moved out of the house last Saturday as a trial separation. Because of his abusive nature it was presented to him as a trial separation cause coming out as a divorce was getting nowhere with him.

 

So my MW has communicated that she really doesn't want to come out right away as she doesn't want it to look like it was all about me and her to the family. So her plan is to bring me in little by little down the road. I'm not happy about it but I can see her point.

 

So here is my problem...you'd think since he's moved out I would be getting more talk time or chat time during home time. I might get some chat during the evening but for someone who has her husband out of the house I'm not. I do know that he was over on Thursday cause she was at meetings for work and church things till 9pm and she had told him if he wanted to come over and spend time with the 18 and 22 kids it would be okay.

 

Well Friday night we went out to dinner and Saturday morning we met for breakfast. So even though we are doing more stuff when she goes home its pretty quiet. So Saturday night about 2am I wake up from a bad dream. I dreamed that I drove by her house and his truck was there. So I put my clothes on and 15 minutes later I drive by the house and the Truck is sitting right there just like in my dream.

 

So I go home and I'm pretty upset and its Sunday and I have yet to hear from her....I'm just trying to figure out why his truck is there....and i can't.

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sSome of you have followed my story in the infidelity forum.

 

Labeled "Tired of ducking and hiding"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155405/

 

I figured it was time to move it over as I'm pretty much the OM now. So the update is the MW's H moved out of the house last Saturday as a trial separation. Because of his abusive nature it was presented to him as a trial separation cause coming out as a divorce was getting nowhere with him.

 

So my MW has communicated that she really doesn't want to come out right away as she doesn't want it to look like it was all about me and her to the family. So her plan is to bring me in little by little down the road. I'm not happy about it but I can see her point.

 

So here is my problem...you'd think since he's moved out I would be getting more talk time or chat time during home time. I might get some chat during the evening but for someone who has her husband out of the house I'm not. I do know that he was over on Thursday cause she was at meetings for work and church things till 9pm and she had told him if he wanted to come over and spend time with the 18 and 22 kids it would be okay.

 

Well Friday night we went out to dinner and Saturday morning we met for breakfast. So even though we are doing more stuff when she goes home its pretty quiet. So Saturday night about 2am I wake up from a bad dream. I dreamed that I drove by her house and his truck was there. So I put my clothes on and 15 minutes later I drive by the house and the Truck is sitting right there just like in my dream.

 

So I go home and I'm pretty upset and its Sunday and I have yet to hear from her....I'm just trying to figure out why his truck is there....and i can't.

 

 

You know why the truck was there. Sticking your head in the sand is no more useful to than a BS.

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So Saturday night about 2am I wake up from a bad dream. I dreamed that I drove by her house and his truck was there. So I put my clothes on and 15 minutes later I drive by the house and the Truck is sitting right there just like in my dream.

Wow, your intuition isn't confused. It's razor sharp!

 

I can only sympathize with how hard it must be waiting and not knowing. Perhaps they are talking about reconciling. Maybe they spent the night fighting and she let him stay out of pity. Maybe it's your worst fear. Yeesh. You're going to have to take a deep breath and wait it out.

 

That "trial separation" term scares me. When my MM first moved out into a room rental, I think that is how he sold it to his W. In his mind (and how he pitched it to me) it was intended to soften the blow of him leaving. But I'm quite sure in her mind it meant "taking space," and working on the M--not including him dating others. My opinion now is that this whole trial separation thing is cowardly and deliberately vague. Vagueness doesn't help the partner start to let go. If anything, it probably fires the spouse who's being left to get busy working on the M.

 

Although your intuition didn't tell you why they were together, it does work well for you. It will probably continue to do so. I hope you can find a place of being open-minded, yet also keeping your eyes wide open while your MW sorts her M out.

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the MW's H moved out of the house last Saturday as a trial separation

 

Ask yourself this. WHY is it a trial separation?

 

Read stampdaddy's most recent update...You two are in similar situations. Sorry to tell you this, but I don't think her intentions are clear with you or her husband. She's only thinking of herself.

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Also, listen to your gut instinct. It's telling you things are not as they seem - The dream and your most recent visit proved this.

 

I don't think she's being completely honest with you about what is really going on.

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Ask yourself this. WHY is it a trial separation?

 

Read stampdaddy's most recent update...You two are in similar situations. Sorry to tell you this, but I don't think her intentions are clear with you or her husband. She's only thinking of herself.

 

MW got advice as to present it as a Trial separation. That was the only way she could get the H out. Telling him 3 times she wanted a divorce and to get out of the house didn't work at all.

 

So I see her changing the locks soon and start the filing ASAP...

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The thing is, she could leave. If she truly wants out of her marriage, why should he be the one to leave the house?

 

If he is abusive as she claims he is, she's certainly not doing herself any favours by having an affair with you.

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sSome of you have followed my story in the infidelity forum.

 

Labeled "Tired of ducking and hiding"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155405/

 

I figured it was time to move it over as I'm pretty much the OM now. So the update is the MW's H moved out of the house last Saturday as a trial separation. Because of his abusive nature it was presented to him as a trial separation cause coming out as a divorce was getting nowhere with him.

 

So my MW has communicated that she really doesn't want to come out right away as she doesn't want it to look like it was all about me and her to the family. So her plan is to bring me in little by little down the road. I'm not happy about it but I can see her point.

 

So here is my problem...you'd think since he's moved out I would be getting more talk time or chat time during home time. I might get some chat during the evening but for someone who has her husband out of the house I'm not. I do know that he was over on Thursday cause she was at meetings for work and church things till 9pm and she had told him if he wanted to come over and spend time with the 18 and 22 kids it would be okay.

 

Well Friday night we went out to dinner and Saturday morning we met for breakfast. So even though we are doing more stuff when she goes home its pretty quiet. So Saturday night about 2am I wake up from a bad dream. I dreamed that I drove by her house and his truck was there. So I put my clothes on and 15 minutes later I drive by the house and the Truck is sitting right there just like in my dream.

 

So I go home and I'm pretty upset and its Sunday and I have yet to hear from her....I'm just trying to figure out why his truck is there....and i can't.

 

I guess my question is why haven't you called her already?

 

And why are you letting her call all the shots?

 

You want to be happy, take it. Draw your line in the sand and stick to it.

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Yet she has him sleep over?

 

The scoop i got was that he left his truck over cause family came into town and that he headed to the city with his relatives. The truck stayed home for later pickup.

 

And NO he did not sleep over...she was pissed that I even said that.

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Do you feel like she validated your feelings/concerns?

 

No matter the reason, what happened is a good opportunity to clarify the situation. In fact, since the outcome is benign, this is a great opportunity!

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The scoop i got was that he left his truck over cause family came into town and that he headed to the city with his relatives. The truck stayed home for later pickup.

 

And NO he did not sleep over...she was pissed that I even said that.

 

I wonder if she ever used a similar lie to cover up her affair with you?

 

This sounds EXACTLY like the same kind of comment we've seen used for that same purpose over and over.

 

Something to consider...if she can successfully lie to him to cover up her affair with you, she can just as easily lie to you about any reconciliation going on between her and him. Read dylan's thread here on the OW forum.

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Well I hate to say it...but we have decided to go NO Contact. I don't know but along the way...I started to get very unhealthy about the whole situation. When you start doing drive by's to verify if the husband is there something is wrong. I've been so focused on her leaving I've neglected so many parts of my life. Waiting for any bits and pieces to come my way. It's gotten to a point where it's effecting both of us and I know I'm the problem now.

 

Well basically I had enough....I know she intends to get out totally but it will be on her own time. I've schedule time for therapy sessions to help me get through this. I've told her I will fix myself and I will move forward with my life and if God has plans for us in the future then it will happen. So we will have a commitment or closure either way.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I went to therapy and I'm trying to get myself right. I'm dealing pretty well as I don't see MW everyday. I've backed off to only once a week. The NC is not really working well...however I've established boundaries. I'm just giving her space and letting her enjoy her freedom as she figures what she wants to do while her husband is out of the house. At some point the hubby will want to come back and then we will see how she proceeds.

 

I'm doing my thing and going out with friends to keep busy....

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and if God has plans for us in the future then it will happen. So we will have a commitment or closure either way.

 

 

In a previous post you also mentioned she was busy with Church things.

 

Could her religion be playing a part in delaying the inevitable?

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I just think she worries about people in church and what people think including her kids/family....however she is letting more and more people know she has split with hubby.

 

As for religion I would have to say NO...I don't think religion is delaying things.

 

 

 

In a previous post you also mentioned she was busy with Church things.

 

Could her religion be playing a part in delaying the inevitable?

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If BH is abusive, then I am not sure why you want her to put you "in the open" so quickly. Had I ever found myself in your situation, I would have wanted to be on the DL for a long long time, to keep him from finding out about me and to let friends/family/kids get used to the divorce before I was thrown out as the new BF.

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Well that is what I believe her plan is ....it's just I wished she could have started things sooner. But reading about abusive men...it's clear to me she is doing it the right way. I still think even though she told him it was a temporary solution just to get him out of the house. She'll have to deal with him at some point.

 

Personally I still think she will have to remove herself from the house to show him she's serious and will have to file the papers to show him she means business and maybe a restraining order.

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I just think she worries about people in church and what people think including her kids/family....however she is letting more and more people know she has split with hubby.

 

As for religion I would have to say NO...I don't think religion is delaying things.

 

 

Sorry, what I mean is that are the people she associates with in the church playing a part?

 

It must be a huge pressure for her. Her religion / her church associates / the whole shebang.

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Sorry, what I mean is that are the people she associates with in the church playing a part?

 

It must be a huge pressure for her. Her religion / her church associates / the whole shebang.

 

Oh that is for sure!!! I'm sure she is getting it from everyone who knows them. Abusive men are very good at being charmers and people don't see that side of him. So yes i think people who are in church are wondering whats going on. Which is sad for her...cause she has voice to me how tired she is about explaining to people how it is to be married to a abusive man and how people don't see it.

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Abusive men are very good at being charmers and people don't see that side of him. So yes i think people who are in church are wondering whats going on. Which is sad for her...cause she has voice to me how tired she is about explaining to people how it is to be married to a abusive man and how people don't see it.

 

 

That they are. I was married to a man who's favourite past-time was dragging me round the house by my hair and breaking ribs. Lovely creatures that they are.

 

BUT (and correct me if I am wrong) - you mentioned coming out? I hate to say it, but coming out as being gay / bi has *far* more serious consequences in the eyes of the church than what a man does to his wife behind closed doors.

 

I dare say she would be far more concerned with peoples opinions on the gay side of things than an abusive marriage.

 

(Or have I missed the point completely?)

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BUT (and correct me if I am wrong) - you mentioned coming out? I hate to say it, but coming out as being gay / bi has *far* more serious consequences in the eyes of the church than what a man does to his wife behind closed doors.

 

I

 

 

Err... ignore me. I think I missed the boat here.

 

Were you referring to "coming out" - as in "coming out about the affair"??

 

Or "coming out" as being gay?

 

:o

 

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be under my desk....

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Err... ignore me. I think I missed the boat here.

 

Were you referring to "coming out" - as in "coming out about the affair"??

 

Or "coming out" as being gay?

 

:o

 

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be under my desk....

 

 

Yes I meant about coming out with the affair... not being gay.

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Yes I meant about coming out with the affair... not being gay.

 

 

Apologies C4N. Thats what you get for speed-reading eh.

 

***********

 

So. Are you involved with the church too?

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Apologies C4N. Thats what you get for speed-reading eh.

 

***********

 

So. Are you involved with the church too?

 

 

Since leaving my wife...and starting my divorce. I've began going to back to church however I'm not going to the same church my MW goes to. We are doing a Bible study together even though it's not CO-ED.

 

If you follow my original thread a lot of people bashed me about the whole church thing and how much of hypocrite I am doing what I'm doing. I really don't care what people say as I'm working to better myself. Like I've said I'm not proud of what I've done.

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