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How Do You Forgive Yourself


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Part of letting go is forigiving the past. But how do you forgive yourself for putting yourself in a situation that hurt you and caused you so much unhappiness and not getting out of it sooner?

 

I can forgive him. It takes 2 and he couldnt have done some of the things that he did if I hadnt allowed it. People treat you the way you let them treat you. That is the biggest lesson I have learned from this.

 

So I cant say he is awful look how much pain he caused me. Because I let him. I could have been stronger. I could have cut the ties sooner. And letting go of my anger at myself is proving very difficult.

 

I have to face him soon and I know as Owl has said the best medicine is total NC because then I wouldnt be faced with my mistake all the time dredging the anger at myself yet again. But unfortunately that is not possible.

 

Has anyone else found this to be difficult and if so what have you found helpful?

 

Many thanks

 

jj

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Many years ago I was told never to regret anything. Look at it as a "learning experience", then go forward with the new knowledge you have.

 

So I have very few regrets - and none over something I did versus a couple over things I didn't do.

 

You were obviously getting something you needed too...accept that and the pain that followed. And realize that that was part of the lesson.

 

When my MM apologizes for all the pain he has caused me, I always point out that I have put myself in this position. My emotions and feelings are mine and they are my responsibility, not his. He can't do anything to me that I don't allow. And I know that I will not regret this...pain and all.

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i'll be very interested to see the replies on this because i struggle with it too.

 

no, i can't blame him, like you said, i am responsible just as much as he is. i knew what i was getting myself into - there was no deception and i made my choices just as much as he did.

 

i was talking to someone about how i was worried about how he would see me through all this and if he would lose respect for me-think less of me- because of it and the wise person said "but wait just a minute, he was part of it too and he did the same thing you did, soo everything your thinking about yourself he must think about himself" very insightful right? and TRUE!!!

 

it allowed me not to be so hard on myself and also to take responsibility for my OWN actions.

 

hope that helps you and others too - as far as the forgiving self part, nope i sure haven't gotten there yet...there's a lot of choices i've made in my life that i have a hard time forgiving myself for because i have known better....still working on that part ;)

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You were obviously getting something you needed too...

That may be the key...to get to the bottom of the needs that were being met. EVEN if they were unhealthy needs being met in an unhealthy environment...they were still valid at that time, and you did what you felt, at that time, would facilitate positive and good feelings for and/or about yourself.

 

It's when we try to judge our past needs, desires, behaviours and indiscretions with our current insights, wisdom and information that it becomes so difficult to find the best perspective to foster forgiveness and healing.

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I struggle with that too. I know he respects me professionally but as a woman I dont think he does. I put up with so much, that I wasnt respecting myself. I used to think that people who are good people just dont do certain things, but on another level I think people are human and if you allow them to get away with certain behavior they will continue to do it.

 

He doesnt understand why I am so hurt by the whole experience and why I cant just be friends now that we know each other so well. And how could he understand? He would never have allowed himself to stay in a situation that hurt him the way the A hurt me.

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Ronni/Cant Give Up thank you - you are right. I had crossed a line I had previously thought was uncrossable and even if it was OK for MM and his W it was never really OK with me. Its hard to explain but having crossed something so inviolate to me, it was as if I had to see it through so that I could make sense of why I crossed the line. But it never was and never would have been. It went against everything I believe about what I want for myself and what is right. He throws that back in my face now saying I should be happy its over because it went against all my beliefs. So charming.

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I know he respects me professionally but as a woman I dont think he does. ... He doesnt understand why I am so hurt

Your self-respect, self-forgiveness and self-understanding isn't dependent on him respecting and understanding you, though.

 

You have the power, right now, to respect and understand and forgive yourself and your actions. Why not do it just because you can? Just because you don't have to wait on him (or anyone else) doing it first?

 

I also don't think it matters what others would, or would not, allow for themselves -- they would be misguided to judge you by that, and you would be misguided to judge yourself by that. IMHO.

 

You just did what was in your own heart and mind. There's no problem or "fault" with that, that I can see or assess.

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Thanks. You are right. Whether he respects me or not really doesnt matter. What matters is that I respect me. It was all a huge mistake. I was incredibly naive about it all. But we all make mistakes. This is not one I will be making again.

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having crossed something so inviolate to me, it was as if I had to see it through so that I could make sense of why I crossed the line.

Can I offer a different perspective? Call it a pretend scenario. But, what if, possibly what is causing your distress and inability to self-forgive (as well as giving him that type of ammunition to use against you :mad:), is that you STILL want to hang on to the old belief/self-image that that was not really you.

 

What would happen if you came to realization that yes, in fact, that was you. That it's NOT what you want for your future, but it is what you chose for a past experience. Consciously and willingly chose it, so that you could learn something more about who you truly are. Would that significantly change who you are today, and who you want to be tomorrow? Does it put your prior actions into a more, or less, acceptable context?

 

I do understand that feeling of being compelled...almost just dragged along by uncontrollable, supernatural forces...to behave in ways that feel..."this is just NOT me". But it is ALSO me...not ONLY me (if that makes sense?)

 

It's an expanded version of 'me' that I really didn't expect. And it's about embracing that unexpected part without shame or judgment.

Like you said, we explored that path precisely so we could make sense out of something "bigger"; something that we didn't know about our Self. THAT was the need that we were filling -- to find out that 'thing' about the self that we didn't know before.

It's like: Well, I thought I crossed my limit when I did that one specific thing...but here I am, a million miles past that point, way past what I thought my limit was...and I still seem nowhere NEAR my limit. (That's how it was in my case, at any rate.)

 

There is a LOT of cool and exciting stuff in that whole process of really going to the edge of one's limits. A whole lot of excellent growing and self-learning. (At least, it was for me.)

 

So just tell him that he's a doorknob and a jerk, and you weren't at all being untrue to your beliefs...You were actually just USING HIM to know more about yourself, the knowing of which gives you even more power to be a totally authentic person, and act in authentic ways.

 

What if that's the new conclusion that you reach about it? How would that significantly change who you are today, or who you will become tomorrow?

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Ronni you just brought a big smile to my face. It was me that did it. I had a million rationalizations for why I felt ok with my decision to enter the A. What gets me is what a doormat I was in certain ways. And that after being that lovelorn doormat I still have to face him - all ego really.

 

But it was the best I could do at the time. I was in way over my head and didnt cope with it as well as I would have liked to in hindsight.

 

You are absolutely right. Whatever choices I made before I made willingly and I learned from them. And there are things you learn about yourself when you go to the edge and things you learn about your capacity for love and how you deal with conflict etc. It was a learning experience. Thanks

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It was me that did it. ... It was a learning experience.

"Yes, exactly!" (intentional quotes for my own memories and amusement ;))

It's not at all that we were "doormats". We were making (unconscious) "sacrifices" for OUR OWN (unconscious) DESIRE to want to learn more about ourselves.

 

But that feeling of being "dragged along" made it feel as if we were just being doormats for them. (And maybe they saw it that way, too, and treated us like that, which added to our feelings about it.) But that was NEVER the reality, when one starts looking at the bigger picture. For me, none of it was conscious at the time, so it all felt weird and warped and like I was under some wizard's spell (which I thought and told him, he was the 'wizard'.)

 

I used to say all the time, "I can't help it, I have no control over it, I can't help it." <whine, moan, whine> But, even though it really did feel like that, it was just a part of me BSing myself. I did it cos I was learning from it, and I always wanted the next lesson. So I did it. And that, really, is the OPPOSITE of being a doormat, as far as I'm now concerned.

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Thats a really good way of looking at it. Are you still in touch with him?

 

And Ronni I really appreciate your thoughts. Ovr the weekend I have finally accepted that there is no way back. There are no more words for him to say. No more angles he could try to convince me that there was some answer short of his leaving and even then I have my doubts based on the dynamics of the past year. And its such an odd feeling after hiding that little bit of hope in my heart that lightning would strike him (with a big fat skillet if necessary) and things would work out.

 

But now I know that is not going to happen. And I am going to have to deal with him in the next few days and I need to be clear of my negativity about this when I do. Its very freeing but also a little bit scary.

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Are you still in touch with him?

This may sound horrid but...he ran out of lessons for me. And, I suspect, I ran out of lessons for him, too. Fortunately that seems to happen at the same time for both of us, so we just drift apart. Like he says, "I'll call you on Thursday" and then he doesn't and I don't bother to call him, either. The last time was 4 or 5 years ago. [edit] Weird, but I do know it was a Thursday, that he was supposed to call. Weird and warped, like I said. [/edit]

Before that, I used to have a sense that we'd somehow be in touch again (not as a couple, though, which we've never been), but I don't feel that right now -- it more feels like we've exhausted the supply of lessons that we had for each other. At least, in this lifetime.

 

It really just served (and still serves, to some extent) me best to just take a very "high"-level view of it. Otherwise I would have gone completely insane, with no hope of recovery :o.

 

What's the scariest part of you having to deal with yours?

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Getting sucked back into all the emotions. Even thought it has nominally been over for quite some time, communications tend to be really charged emotionally - a simple conversation about a client account is never just that even though the words relate to business. And more recently he has used work as an excuse to call me on the weekends and when I was on vacation with very very flimsy excuses. Because I was still stuck in the hope that he would come around it was confusing and when I confronted him he denied it was anything more than official business. Maybe I was being over sensitive but it made me crazy.

 

A few weeks ago I told him I couldnt be in touch with him except for work (to which he replied but we are never in touch but for work...). Hes been away but now he's back..... and I told him again I need space. But once Labor Day is past things will get busier.

 

I have this urge to send him an email or tell him how angry I am about certain things that he said and how small I felt when he said them, but I know its counterproductive. It wont change anything and it will inhibit our working relationship or give him yet another ego boost.

 

I was really worried because until now, and since its been over, when I would see him in person at marketing events, I would get extremely jealous. Is he interested in someone else, is he flirting with someone else and he would encourage that jealousy which was so juvenile in retrospect on both our parts. But being out of contact these past few weeks and really committing to detaching and really this interchange with you tonite has given me a new feeling about it.

 

So what if he is interested in someone else. This idea that if I had been less of a doormat things would have been different and we could still be together and he will treat someone else differently etc etc its all in my head. It really doesnt matter. Its over. I hope he has more success with the next one, whoever she may be.

 

Really it doesnt matter what he does. We have a good working relationship and we are effective when we collaborate and that is that. I just have to let the rest roll off me like water off a ducks' back. Throwing away that last little bit of hope away which I think I have now, it will be easier to do that. He is the way he is. I have concluded that the emotional sustenance he gets from being in touch with me even though its just business feeds him and that in turn helps our profesional relationship. So long as it is confined to business communications I just have to ignore the rest of it. I am not willing to jeopardize the professional relationship because I am torn up about this.

 

I am rambling. I dont know. I guess I was worried if I could be neutral and relaxed with him. I had suppressed so much of my anger and resentment and alot of it has all come tumbling out but it cant come out at him. Its not about him. As we discussed its about me. Im nervous about dealing with him and not having that special bond. I dont really know how to relate to him without it. And a part of me feels like I am abandoning him. But I willl find a new way.

 

 

Thanks again.

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This may sound horrid but...he ran out of lessons for me. And, I suspect, I ran out of lessons for him, too. Fortunately that seems to happen at the same time for both of us, so we just drift apart. Like he says, "I'll call you on Thursday" and then he doesn't and I don't bother to call him, either. The last time was 4 or 5 years ago. [edit] Weird, but I do know it was a Thursday, that he was supposed to call. Weird and warped, like I said. [/edit]

Before that, I used to have a sense that we'd somehow be in touch again (not as a couple, though, which we've never been), but I don't feel that right now -- it more feels like we've exhausted the supply of lessons that we had for each other. At least, in this lifetime.

 

It really just served (and still serves, to some extent) me best to just take a very "high"-level view of it. Otherwise I would have gone completely insane, with no hope of recovery :o.

 

What's the scariest part of you having to deal with yours?

 

Ronni, this sounds like me. And this is acceptance of the situation. For things to start flowing normally again you need to accept the situation for what it is. He may have loved me, but he was selfish about it and his needs. He wanted me and wouldnt give me up for any reason, and HE wasnt worried in the slightest what happened to ME along the way. I accept that although he may have loved me in his own crazy way, for ME, it wasnt healthy. And yes it has been a learning experience.

 

In my situation, looking back, i think my xmm and i grew apart, i got sick of hanging around for no other reason than to please him. His reasons, not too sure, cant be bothered working that out. I think his W got pregnant, not sure - THANK GOD it wasnt ME :sick: Yes he was sweet, said he wished he had met me earlier, loved me blah blah blah, but his actions didnt match his words.

 

He has problems relating back to childhood, im placing a bet it is with his mother, and his W has emotional issues too. I was dragged into this mess, BUT i also own the part i played in this too. I WAS using him too at the start, but the day he told me he loved me, that was the beginning of the end, once my emotions were involved, that was it. Once he had me HOOKED, i tripped, i stumbled and i eventually fell. I lay there screaming and carrying on for a while, but i eventually realised that i had played a part in this too. I accepted that and found it easier to move on.

 

That being said, it does not take away from the fact that HE also played a role in this, HE persued ME, HE tricked ME into thinking / believing things that just weren't the FULL truth. And based on half truths, i made certain decisions. Had i been given the FULL truth, i would have certainly come to a very different conclusion.

 

Google search "emotional manipulation" this sounds ALOT like my XMM. Sad stuff.

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Ronni, I agree exactly what you said about lessons. Affairs push our boundaries and our tolerances, and it's as if being the OW, we are trying to prove how capable we are of loving, without wanting anything back. Unfortunately I'm a sucker for life lessons.

 

JJ33, forgiveness starts with being in the present moment. When you say to yourself, I must forgive myself, you are actually reliving all the past and all the mistakes you've made. You can't change any of that, so what's the point of reliving the past, and berate yourself for your actions. Stay focussed on yourself, NOW, and be kind to yourself. The past is the past, the future is the future, neither of which you have any control of. The only thing you can control is the present, so instead of reliving the past or jumping into the future, live in the present moment. Go out for a walk, get in touch with yourself and just forgive, don't look for reasons, just forgive. Have you tried meditation?? I'm going to try that soon.

 

Also when you are saying about your emotions being about you and not him, you are actually still placing him and his needs above your own. You don't want HIM to feel the anger, but you have the complete right to be angry at him. Don't bottle that anger in yourself, let it out, he's made mistakes and if you are not going to tell him that, he is not going to learn this lesson at all. And when you say you feel you are abandoning him, once again it's about HIM. No, no, no, you've played the selfless role for too long, he's not going to realise any of that, put yourself FIRST. If you feel uncomfortable about it, then don't put yourself in that position. Good luck and be strong.

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GreenEyedLady

Why wouldn't you forgive yourself?

 

Do you forgive others?

 

You are human you made a choice that perhaps wasn't the best choice, but you realize it and move on.

 

What do you gain by self-loathing?

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Part of letting go is forigiving the past. But how do you forgive yourself for putting yourself in a situation that hurt you and caused you so much unhappiness and not getting out of it sooner?

 

I can forgive him. It takes 2 and he couldnt have done some of the things that he did if I hadnt allowed it. People treat you the way you let them treat you. That is the biggest lesson I have learned from this.

 

So I cant say he is awful look how much pain he caused me. Because I let him. I could have been stronger. I could have cut the ties sooner. And letting go of my anger at myself is proving very difficult.

 

I have to face him soon and I know as Owl has said the best medicine is total NC because then I wouldnt be faced with my mistake all the time dredging the anger at myself yet again. But unfortunately that is not possible.

 

Has anyone else found this to be difficult and if so what have you found helpful?

 

Many thanks

 

jj

 

 

Hi jj. Forgiving myself has been my hardest obstacle throughout all of this. I am still working on it but I am much closer and much happier. Realize it is a process; it doesn't come overnight. Be kind and gentle to yourself because you are all you have in this life. :)

 

Here are some things that help me, I hope they help you too.

 

IC really helps. I have learned to love and accept myself, which includes forgiving myself.

 

NC has really helped. It is probably what has helped me the most out of everything. I even changed jobs to get away from xOM. That was a hard sacrifice but I realized that any time I had to talk to him, even about work, it was like ripping the partially-healed scab off a wound and letting it bleed open again. :( It sucked. It wasn't even that I wanted to be with him anymore, but I was faced with the reality of what I did and how angry I was with myself and how stupid I felt. I have learned that "moving on" can really only come when there is no contact. I can't explain how that works; it just does. You have to be willing to bury it like something that died, because it DID die, it is in the past and it needs to stay there, or else it is following you on and not letting you be completely happy and free in the future. Remember that closure comes from within and I really believe you have to have closure (within, from yourself) before you can truly forgive yourself.

 

Doing some meditations I learned in counseling has really helped. Basically this is what I tell myself when I start to feel down on myself for the past:

 

At one time, you were someone who did things you now know are wrong, hurtful, self-destructive. But you are not that person anymore. You would not have done those things if you knew the hurt they would cause, if you had a crystal ball and could look into the future. Now, because of your hard-earned wisdom gained from experience, you do have that crystal ball, and now that you have that knowledge, you will not repeat those same mistakes. You are not the person now that you were then.

 

Love the person you were then. Think of yourself as a little girl, wanting acceptance, love, happiness. The person you were then wanted the same things. She was just going about them the wrong way. The person you are now loves and accepts herself for exactly who she is, which includes forgiving her past mistakes and loving the little girl she was, the woman she was when she made mistakes, and the woman she is now, who decided to do the right thing and then has acted accordingly.

 

That's another thing that helps, focus on the present and what you are doing day by day. That helped me a lot. I realized I can't undo the past. I did what I did. But I shouldn't live in the past or I can't enjoy the present or the future. Realize that EVERY human is fallible and makes mistakes. That's why we're human. But you are a good person who realized your error and who corrected it. So concentrate on what you are doing now. Did you involve yourself in an affair today? No. Good for you. Feel strong and happy! Did you maintain NC today even if it was hard? Yes. Good for you! Celebrate EVERY little victory. And when you screw up, be kind to yourself, realize that it was a mistake, and move on, and the next second, be proud of yourself for moving on and not making the same mistake over and over and over again.

 

And one last, kind of silly, thing. This is from-- of all places-- Batman Begins LOL. But I love it so much. The dad says to his son, "Why do we fall?" And the son says, "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again." If you have picked yourself back up or are picking yourself back up, that's perfect. That's all you need to be doing. It's when we fall and stay down there that's not perfect.

 

This takes time. I used to post posts just like yours. I know it doesn't help much now but please believe me that in time you will heal. Be patient and love yourself to the best of your ability. One day you will realize that you almost never think about your past affair. It is over. You are moving on. You are New and Improved JJ Version 2.0 (who still loves and accepts JJ Version 1.0, without whom, there could never be a JJ 2.0!!! :)) We only have one life, and we have to make the best of it. The great thing about being human is that we can start over, we can start having a good life and doing what we know to be the right things, at any moment. Just hit the restart button and keep on keepin' on, NOT going backwards because you've learned from your mistakes and you love the person you were who made the mistakes so that now you have all of that knowledge and experience to work off of and protect yourself in the future.

 

(((((hugs)))))))

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bentnotbroken

Forgiveness is a simple and at the same time complicated process. Forgiveness is afforded to all who ask. It only requires an admission of the wrong doing(not necessarily publicly or to others) but to one's self and God. Then accept the forgiveness that he offers. It is the same process for forgiving yourself as it is for forgiving others. Once God forgives you, you don't have the right to hold that against yourself for life. His blood covers all our sins, including the ones against ourselves.

 

Once you lay down the burden of the past, you are free to go into to the future and it's blessings without hindrance. Just remember the lesson that you learned and vow not to repeat it. Then move on with your life.

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Forgiveness is a simple and at the same time complicated process. Forgiveness is afforded to all who ask. It only requires an admission of the wrong doing(not necessarily publicly or to others) but to one's self and God. Then accept the forgiveness that he offers. It is the same process for forgiving yourself as it is for forgiving others. Once God forgives you, you don't have the right to hold that against yourself for life. His blood covers all our sins, including the ones against ourselves.

 

Once you lay down the burden of the past, you are free to go into to the future and it's blessings without hindrance. Just remember the lesson that you learned and vow not to repeat it. Then move on with your life.

 

AMEN TO THAT :love:

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Ronni, I agree exactly what you said about lessons. Affairs push our boundaries and our tolerances, and it's as if being the OW, we are trying to prove how capable we are of loving, without wanting anything back.

I didn't intend to imply that affairs are an ideal, or even a 'good/healthy' place to explore limits and learn Lessons. For me, it wouldn't be accurate to say that.

 

It was just that, in JJ's specific case, something she said pointed to the possibility that limits and Lessons may have been part of her personal experience.

 

My guess is, also, that we're all striving (consciously or unconsciously) to get to that place of being able to give and receive unconditional love, which, again, lessons on how to do that are available in all types of relationships, not only in adulterous ones. In fact, maybe not at all in those...though it certainly can feel like that to those who are in it.

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