Accidental_OW Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Hiya, Brief Bio: I met a great guy whom I thought was actively divorcing...however, I found out that the process was only beginning far from complete. (This was my inital assumption, not any deception on his part.) Needless, we went NC with me stating the following: He had to make a decision to either stay or leave- based on what is best for him and his children. (5&9) I would totally respect his decision either way- though I did tell him that I was not on for continuing our relationship whilst he was still in his marriage. My dilemma is this: I had a lovely divorce (no drama), I get on with my Ex and his new wife, I have children- on 20 and the youngest 14 starting HS this year, who I effectively co-parent with my Ex. I have a wonderfully drama free life. However, during the NC I came to realize (I know, I know- a bit slow of me) how all that could/would change if he did finalize his divorce and we were together. Basically, I am a very easy going person- not petty, jealous, etc. When I asked about Michelle (his wife) and what kind of person she was he said this "Can be golden, like your Mum- or the most vindictive, manipulating person you've ever met." (Nice) I asked how she would treat me once we were together and he said... "Like an Ice Queen...and she will take every opportunity to talk smack about you to the kids." (Making a tough situation even harder for her kids...lovely!) So, I am having second thoughts about it all... I don't for a second doubt that I love him greatly- and could have an amazing life with him. What I do question is how much the drama will effect our (his children's) lives. He's already stated that he finalizing things whether I am there or not... I would just like some feed back from OW on how they dealt with the EX after the divorce. Many Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Pull back on the reigns. You aren't there yet. You are already allowing the drama to start even thought there is no relationship to be had. This does not bode well for a future with this man if your life really is as drama free as you say it is. He has not finished the divorce. I would wait until this relationship becomes a reality before you start worrying about it. Odds are not in your favor that he will really leave her regardless of whether or not he is actually in the process of getting a divorce. If he does it, then GREAT! I would be very excited for you. That is the time that you will be able to figure out how to handle the children TOGETHER. Until it becomes and issue, keep yourself drama-free by staying away from him. This will only end badly if you continue speaking with him. I am just trying to make sure you realize that there may indeed be no future with this man, and it is not worth the drama to begin with. I hope you can detach yourself. I know it isn't easy when you love someone, but love yourself more, and you will be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 He possibly is not being totally honest about his wife. You don't know her, and she could actually be easy going and sweet as sugar. Let him get divorced and then start to date you again. (I assume she doesn't know about you?) If she does know about you and doesn't want a divorce, then it could be a pretty high chance that she does talk junk about you to her kids - you would be the woman, in her eyes, who broke her marriage up. If she doesn't know about you, then why borrow trouble? I have never been anything but nice to my XH's new wife; she is the one who despises me. Until you see that the divorce is finalized and that he is calm and happy about the situation, I wouldn't worry too much. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I would just like some feed back from OW on how they dealt with the EX after the divorce. Well, she is very classy. She is very adult and mature and we've had no problems. I wouldn't treat her any differently than I'd treat anyone else. I just let her take the lead. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I asked how she would treat me once we were together and he said... "Like an Ice Queen...and she will take every opportunity to talk smack about you to the kids." (Making a tough situation even harder for her kids...lovely!) So, I am having second thoughts about it all... I don't for a second doubt that I love him greatly- and could have an amazing life with him. What I do question is how much the drama will effect our (his children's) lives. He's already stated that he finalizing things whether I am there or not... I would just like some feed back from OW on how they dealt with the EX after the divorce. My MM is still going through his D, and his W is doing her damndest to make it difficult for the kids. There's a grilling each time they go to stay with her, and really nasty emails to MM with all kinds of baseless threats. It does make it very difficult for the kids, and as a result they don't want to spend much, if any, time with her. We're trying to be easy-going about things, not forcing them to go if they don't want to, but not wanting to discourage them from going either. She is their mother - for better or worse - and they need to determine the kind of relationship they want with her, rather than being pressured ito something from whichever side. It's tricky, but the best we can do is support the kids and hope that they come out of it OK. I hope your situation works out well - that your MM's W is more like GEL's than like mine, and that she cares enough for her kids to put them ahead of her own selfish issues. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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