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So we talked tonight


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I'm not even sure what to say. we IMed for a while. Then at the end we were on the phone. I was trying to be reasonable, or at least what I saw as reasonable. She was being defensive saying I was attacking her with what I was saying.

 

I was/am in a place where i was willing to 'work it out'.

 

I'm in the place where I'm stuck knowing it has to end, but not finding all the willpower I need to do it.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. She had to go, her gf was going to be calling to check in soon and the phone couldn't be tied up.

 

This was the first time I have ever really asked her for anything, I was asking her for a little more attention. She said she gives me all she can right now. She then said that I've told her over and over that I'm not made to be in a relationship like this and then had to go.

 

It's moments like this that it really hits home, this is my life, my tears, my heartbreak. It hurts so much.

 

Affair aside, other people aside. just me and her - this sucks. A month ago I tried to end, and I was ready. She begged me for one more week with me, which I foolishly gave. I wish with all my heart that I hadn't. Because I was ready for it to be over then, I am not right now. Now I am stuck in a position where I will see her 5 days a week at work. At least then I wasn't. It was before she helped me get my job.

 

A month ago I had only been back in town for 2 weeks. And while we had talked everyday on the phone for the 3 months I was gone, but I wasn't used to seeing her all the time. I was okay with just phone conversations.

 

We talked for almost a month before I moved back about what would happen. We agreed that we really wouldn't be able to see each other except when necassary for me helping her with a summer class she was taking. From the first day that was NOT the case.

 

I let myself get almost completly back to where I was before I left in April. Now I have to dig myself back out, only I'm in the same town instead of 6 hours away!

 

She says I seem more depressed and reactionary than before. I say that I'm angrier than I was before, not depressed. I stand up for myself more not reactionary.

 

All i do know is that this has to stop.

 

~99

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I'm not even sure what to say. we IMed for a while. Then at the end we were on the phone. I was trying to be reasonable, or at least what I saw as reasonable. She was being defensive saying I was attacking her with what I was saying.

 

I was/am in a place where i was willing to 'work it out'.

 

I'm in the place where I'm stuck knowing it has to end, but not finding all the willpower I need to do it.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. She had to go, her gf was going to be calling to check in soon and the phone couldn't be tied up.

 

This was the first time I have ever really asked her for anything, I was asking her for a little more attention. She said she gives me all she can right now. She then said that I've told her over and over that I'm not made to be in a relationship like this and then had to go.

 

It's moments like this that it really hits home, this is my life, my tears, my heartbreak. It hurts so much.

 

Affair aside, other people aside. just me and her - this sucks. A month ago I tried to end, and I was ready. She begged me for one more week with me, which I foolishly gave. I wish with all my heart that I hadn't. Because I was ready for it to be over then, I am not right now. Now I am stuck in a position where I will see her 5 days a week at work. At least then I wasn't. It was before she helped me get my job.

 

A month ago I had only been back in town for 2 weeks. And while we had talked everyday on the phone for the 3 months I was gone, but I wasn't used to seeing her all the time. I was okay with just phone conversations.

 

We talked for almost a month before I moved back about what would happen. We agreed that we really wouldn't be able to see each other except when necassary for me helping her with a summer class she was taking. From the first day that was NOT the case.

 

I let myself get almost completly back to where I was before I left in April. Now I have to dig myself back out, only I'm in the same town instead of 6 hours away!

 

She says I seem more depressed and reactionary than before. I say that I'm angrier than I was before, not depressed. I stand up for myself more not reactionary.

 

All i do know is that this has to stop.

 

~99

 

Im sorry to say A99, but it sounds like she has done a little planning - the plans do include you, but not the way you want things to be, She wants you around, sure, you feed a craving inside of her that is so strong she has a hard time fighting it. BUT this is not healthy for YOU.

 

To be blunt huny, she wants to carry you around in the bottom of her handbag, so that when she is on her own, she can pull you out to play with, but when shes done playing, you will have to pop straight back into her handbag and WAIT until SHE is ready.

 

Is that the life you want to lead sweetie? You are worth more than that.

Dont wait around for half a woman, coz you'll never have all of her when she has two men to support her habits/lifestyle.

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Astra's right. Its hard for something to end when you are not ready but she has made it clear she is not negotiating. Its take it or leave it on her terms. And those terms are hurting you deeply. You sound like such a great guy. You deserve and will find more.

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Agent_99, find your inner resolve and be strong. I understand that in the last month you've become deeper entwined because of relocating your home/work. Yet things can still be undone.

 

This is a bit of a tangent, as I know you're no where near thinking about anyone but her, but I want to remind you that there are legions of other women who would love a chance to date you. I'm straight, but most of my best friends are gay/lesbian. I hang out with the women quite a lot. The ladies I meet are pretty much all committment-minded, abhor cheaters, and would just love to be in a relationship.

 

Seriously, I know you don't feel ready yet, but the sooner you get to healing, the sooner you can meet a truly available partner. You deserve a full time love.

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Im sorry to say A99, but it sounds like she has done a little planning - the plans do include you, but not the way you want things to be, She wants you around, sure, you feed a craving inside of her that is so strong she has a hard time fighting it. BUT this is not healthy for YOU.

 

To be blunt huny, she wants to carry you around in the bottom of her handbag, so that when she is on her own, she can pull you out to play with, but when shes done playing, you will have to pop straight back into her handbag and WAIT until SHE is ready.

 

Is that the life you want to lead sweetie? You are worth more than that.

Dont wait around for half a woman, coz you'll never have all of her when she has two men to support her habits/lifestyle.

 

Yes that is the thing, I hate the waiting. I'm pretty good at being single. I was married for 13 years and when I left my ex husband last year it was a feeling of relief that followed me out. That's the thing, I always tell myself that I can handle this because I DO enjoy being single and my freedom, but I'm starting to think that I'm fooling myself too. Like when I cry myself to sleep cause I'm lonely.

 

I was in a very claustrophobic marriage. He smothered me, I think that is why I like my freedom now.

 

So this where I am not accountable to anyone *should* work, but it doesn't. I have been faithful to her, not on purpose, but because I just don't want anyone else.

 

On a side note, you gave me a good laugh. I am a woman, and the MW I was seeing is more on the butch/soft butch end of things, so picturing her with a handbag about had me rolling :)

 

~99

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jj~ Thanks, it's very true that how it 'has' to be right now, as she put it is hurting deeply. It is causing me to feel very insecure with myself.

 

WS~ Yes I know that there are plenty of other lesbian women. Single ones at that. Part of my frustration with myself for being weak when I came back is that I was ready to get out and start dating lightly. And now I'm back to the compare compare compare mode.

 

I do have support in this here too. My mom knows everything. So she listens a lot. In fact we just got back from breakfast.

And by moving back 'home' I have some really good freinds that I enjoy spending time with.

 

I'm getting ready to sit down and write out all my strategies for this week, as well as a more formal exercise program for myself that includes walking every morning after work.

 

Thanks SO MUCH everyone. It has been a blessing to find this place. To read all these stories of OW/OM and MM/MW and BS. Having been on all sides of the coin now, there is so much I can relate to. And so much support, compassion, and serious wake up calls.

 

It is very hard as a woman to set my emotions aside and do what my brain knows is right.

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Oops sorry I hadnt twigged that you were a woman. Well you sound like a fabulous woman -my comment stands gender notwithstanding!

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LakesideDream

Male or female, I can't see that it makes any difference. The heart wants what the heart wants. Our brains don't have many choices. Our hearts have even fewer.

 

I can very easily see myself in your shoes. Taking whatever scraps of happiness, or joy that is offered. And I will hope, pray even that it's enough.

 

I wish you all the happiness you can find. And all the luck you have missed.

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Yes that is the thing, I hate the waiting. I'm pretty good at being single. I was married for 13 years and when I left my ex husband last year it was a feeling of relief that followed me out. That's the thing, I always tell myself that I can handle this because I DO enjoy being single and my freedom, but I'm starting to think that I'm fooling myself too. Like when I cry myself to sleep cause I'm lonely.

 

I was in a very claustrophobic marriage. He smothered me, I think that is why I like my freedom now.

 

So this where I am not accountable to anyone *should* work, but it doesn't. I have been faithful to her, not on purpose, but because I just don't want anyone else.

 

On a side note, you gave me a good laugh. I am a woman, and the MW I was seeing is more on the butch/soft butch end of things, so picturing her with a handbag about had me rolling :)

 

~99

 

I am so glad you got a giggle out of you. I wouldnt mind betting that you havent had a good laugh for a while.

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ovrtherainbow

It is very hard as a woman to set my emotions aside and do what my brain knows is right.

 

That is the hardest part...like yourself, I know what the right thing to do is with my situation. My BRAIN and my gut instinct tells me! On the other hand, my heart and mind are telling me otherwise. I know that it is all normal reactions to somewhat of an addiction (as I have heard it to be compared to). One thing I have learned over the course of many months of my A and many failed attempts at NC is that I cannot FORCE myself to do it. This sounds so vague as I type it, but each time I have tried it the next seems a bit easier. I am very hard on myself, as Im sure alot of others here are too. I feel like such a failure because I cannot let go of this person...this person that I have had a relationship with for 9 months. BUT I LOVE this person and I have to let them go???!!! Damn it! It is not an easy concept for any sort of situation. Let alone the complicated one we are in!! I just keep showing up here every day, reading your stories and hoping one day I can help others here the way you all are helping me!

99, Im hoping we can get through this...day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute!

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It is very hard as a woman to set my emotions aside and do what my brain knows is right.

 

Im hoping we can get through this...day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute!

 

 

otr (ovrtherainbow)

 

i am a perfectionist by nature, THANKS DAD ! - very organised and very thorough, actually i am that bad i lay awake at night, most nights, thinking. :o

 

The only way to stop my panic attacks, anxiety attacks, crying attacks - 7 hours straight crying was my Personal Best - not to mention the general hysteria i was going through, going day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute was the only way i could cope, i REALLY had to break it down that far.

 

I still take it hour by hour, but the hours go by fast now so before i realise it, it's a new day and im now ready to go in the morning. i may not always be able to cope with what the days brings, but it's alot easier now than it was.

 

BABY STEPS is often mentioned on LS, its the only way to go, rome after all wasn't built in a day ;)BTW women are more emotional than men and therefore, we unfortunatley get so much more attached than men do. And they win hands down when it comes to manipulation.

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Oops sorry I hadnt twigged that you were a woman. Well you sound like a fabulous woman -my comment stands gender notwithstanding!

 

It's no big deal. I'm not the type of person to be offended easily, especially by unintentional mistakes.

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Male or female, I can't see that it makes any difference. The heart wants what the heart wants. Our brains don't have many choices. Our hearts have even fewer.

 

I can very easily see myself in your shoes. Taking whatever scraps of happiness, or joy that is offered. And I will hope, pray even that it's enough.

 

I wish you all the happiness you can find. And all the luck you have missed.

 

That is the thing, so often it IS enough. For weeks at a time it is enough. I'm very independent and do have a very full life outside of my A. What I have with her is about all I would have time for with someone I was dating. It's just the dynamics of it.

 

Thank you for your well wishes and they are returned to you as well. I haven't read all of your story, just parts, but I hope things are going as planned.

 

 

Sorry that should have been glad i got a giggle out of you

 

yes that does make more sense. :D

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It is very hard as a woman to set my emotions aside and do what my brain knows is right.

 

That is the hardest part...like yourself, I know what the right thing to do is with my situation. My BRAIN and my gut instinct tells me! On the other hand, my heart and mind are telling me otherwise. I know that it is all normal reactions to somewhat of an addiction (as I have heard it to be compared to). One thing I have learned over the course of many months of my A and many failed attempts at NC is that I cannot FORCE myself to do it. This sounds so vague as I type it, but each time I have tried it the next seems a bit easier. I am very hard on myself, as Im sure alot of others here are too. I feel like such a failure because I cannot let go of this person...this person that I have had a relationship with for 9 months. BUT I LOVE this person and I have to let them go???!!! Damn it! It is not an easy concept for any sort of situation. Let alone the complicated one we are in!! I just keep showing up here every day, reading your stories and hoping one day I can help others here the way you all are helping me!

99, Im hoping we can get through this...day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute!

 

One thing, my intuition, my instincts, whatever you want to call it. That part is not in line with wanting to end it either.

For me the NC thing comes up when I am hurting and feel backed into a corner feeling like there is no other option to end my hurt.

 

Coming here helps me keep perspective, even when I feel like I can stay in the A. Even she has noticed that my attempts at NC are more real to both of us.

 

I guess it's only a matter of time now.

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i am a perfectionist by nature, THANKS DAD ! - very organised and very thorough, actually i am that bad i lay awake at night, most nights, thinking. :o

I don't see myself as a perfectionist, but I do expect a lot from myself, because I know I can deliver. Like working full time and going to school fulltime. I've always been a firm believer that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

 

In this though. I end up feeling lost and well indecisive. Even now I know that my resolve for NC is fading fast. She had time to think over the weekend and is making some changes so that she has more time for me during the times when I have time to see her. She also apoligized because she was taking frustrations from another source out on me.

 

 

BABY STEPS is often mentioned on LS, its the only way to go, rome after all wasn't built in a day ;)BTW women are more emotional than men and therefore, we unfortunatley get so much more attached than men do. And they win hands down when it comes to manipulation.

 

Not to pull the lesbian card, but having been in relationships with men and women, I'm not all sure that's true. Although I was always attracted to emotional men (not weepy emotional, just compassionate sensitive ones). My XH is a wonderful man, who was very much in love with me even at the end. He let me go knowing that I couldn't return that love in the proper way.

 

I've known women who are WAY more emotionally manipulative than any man i've ever been involved in.

 

I also think that saying that someone else manipulated me is giving them WAY to much power over me and the choices I have made. It doesn't matter that they tried or even did manipulate me, I made the choices that put me there.

 

~99

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I see your point. Men and woman can both be equally emotional and manipulative.

 

It just makes me mad / sad that things like this can happen to people like you and me and everyone else LS. Its been a sorry state of affairs, pardon the pun.

 

I'd like to think that we were two good people that were faced with a bad situation and made bad choices, but i just dont know.

 

I've had a funny week this week, no particular reason, just feel weird.

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I see your point. Men and woman can both be equally emotional and manipulative.

 

It just makes me mad / sad that things like this can happen to people like you and me and everyone else LS. Its been a sorry state of affairs, pardon the pun.

 

I'd like to think that we were two good people that were faced with a bad situation and made bad choices, but i just dont know.

 

I've had a funny week this week, no particular reason, just feel weird.

 

funny haha or funny off?

See my A did a lot for me.

In terms of certain aspects of my sexuality being explored. I've had relationships with women before, but this was more. She helped me 'come out' to all my family and friends and supported me in feeling comfortable with the whole process. Where I used to hide behind calling myself bi.

I'd spent a lot of my life believing that anything resembling true love was a joke, not so anymore.

Goodness, she even supports me in trying to find a 'real' girlfriend. despite the fact that it means she loses me, but she says that at the end of all this my happiness is important to her.

So while it is bad choices that keep her in my life, there have been a lot of positives.

 

And yes I know that there are plenty of men and women out there who are in committed relationships, who are just using the other person in the affair to get what they want. And affairs do lend a 'victim' feeling to someone's life at times, especially when earlier experiences in life have allowed those types of feelings and behaviors to develop. I sometimes slip into this mode, but just remind myself that no matter what happens between her and I, it is always my choice.

 

~99

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