Hurting for my children

[mistresswchildren]

Tonight is a rough night for me. I think it is because I was watching a wedding show, and the "Daddy/Daughter Dance" came up. The girl looked into her father's eyes and cried. Then he cried. My daughter will never have that. My son will never be able to play football with his father. He will never have that father role in his life. It hurts. It hurts me because I feel that in the long run it will hurt them. Who will walk my little girl down the aisle? Who will be there for my son's first touch down (or whatever sport he may want to play)? Of course I will be there, but is it enough? Sometimes, I just don't think it is.

 

Part of me almost wishes that he would want to see them. I would fight him on some details of visitation, but I can see now that it COULD be healthy to have him in their lives. Of course it would be one strike and your out, but I would give him the chance. I might even get to the point where I would accept his crazy wife being around them. I would ask that we all go to some sort of counseling before that happened, but I am getting to the point where I am accepting of a lot. I realize that the relationship is over. I realize that we are completely done. I have no hopes of a future for "us," but part of me still has hopes for a future for my children with him. If he doesn't want it, then good riddance, but if he does care for them, I cannot block him from their lives. I would only hurt my children by doing so. Why does this hurt so badly? I look in their little faces, and I know eventually this is going to be painful for them. There is nothing I can do about it. I have not made these choices for him, but I am the one that will have to pick up the pieces because he bailed.

[jj33]

Im so sorry you are in pain. And of course you want your children to have a wonderful loving father that can be there for them and share their lives with them. But from what you have said at least at this point in time, this man is not capable of being that father.

 

And a father is more than biology. Life is long. You dont know what the future has in store. Maybe he will mature and in years to come he can have a relationship with them. No doubt in time you will find love again with a man who could be a father to them. You are a wonderful mother. And having a great mother like you and one day a man in their life who loves and cares about them is much more important than a biological father who isnt up to the task of being a good and loving parent.

 

I cant imagine how difficult it must be for you right now, but try to take it one day at a time.

[GPFan]

You are in so much pain MWC

 

Is your Mother nearby or do you have a way to spend some time with her? You could use some Mommy-love yourself.

[wildsoul]

Yikes. That wedding show would have made me lose it too. Honestly, since I don't have kids, I can't really begin to fathom how hard this is for you. (((hugs)))

 

But as much as you need to be a realist, also remember that you can't predict the future. "Never" (as in never have a good relationship with their dad) is a looooong ways away. Sometimes, people do change for the better.

 

Considering how my own father tried to murder us (actual, not an exaggeration) it was a major turn of events that eventually my brother and I were able to see him about once per year. He did change later in life, and on his 4th marriage and with a baby they adopted, he really became a father. Too late for us in some ways, but we got peace with him. I went to visit him a couple years ago (he had cancer) and he died an hour after I left. I really forgave him. Still have residual healing to do, but what I'm saying is even the worst family relationships can sometimes heal. So never say never.

 

Try and stay in the moment, lest you get too overwhelmed. Hey, and maybe your future hubby will walk her down the aisle! There is so much more in your life that is coming. Good things are on their way!

[LakesideDream]

MistresswithChillins....

 

Maybe not! Maybe MWC meets a really great guy at her new job, gets to know him, finds he's not a frog.... and they marry. He turns into a great step, and the two of you have a couple of new Chillins of your own....

 

Stranger things have occured!

[In Like Flynn]

Are you getting child support and medical?

[Mino]

Tonight is a rough night for me. I think it is because I was watching a wedding show, and the "Daddy/Daughter Dance" came up. The girl looked into her father's eyes and cried. Then he cried. My daughter will never have that. My son will never be able to play football with his father. He will never have that father role in his life. It hurts. It hurts me because I feel that in the long run it will hurt them. Who will walk my little girl down the aisle? Who will be there for my son's first touch down (or whatever sport he may want to play)? Of course I will be there, but is it enough? Sometimes, I just don't think it is.

 

Part of me almost wishes that he would want to see them. I would fight him on some details of visitation, but I can see now that it COULD be healthy to have him in their lives. Of course it would be one strike and your out, but I would give him the chance. I might even get to the point where I would accept his crazy wife being around them. I would ask that we all go to some sort of counseling before that happened, but I am getting to the point where I am accepting of a lot. I realize that the relationship is over. I realize that we are completely done. I have no hopes of a future for "us," but part of me still has hopes for a future for my children with him. If he doesn't want it, then good riddance, but if he does care for them, I cannot block him from their lives. I would only hurt my children by doing so. Why does this hurt so badly? I look in their little faces, and I know eventually this is going to be painful for them. There is nothing I can do about it. I have not made these choices for him, but I am the one that will have to pick up the pieces because he bailed.

Hi, just wanted to give you words of encouragement, I am also a single mother of over 20 years. I chose to keep my childs father out of our lives, for many reasons. I l know he loves her in his heart, but his life is a mess, he blames others for his misery, never took responsibity for anything, he barely gets by, he is a very negative person, who has never payed one dime in child support, gone out of his way to see her( unless I payed of coarse) never gave her a birthday gift or christmas gift... sad. I have allowed minimal contact, payed for her tickets to seee him once a year, even payed for thier vacation, and had sent him airline tickets for her graduation. My child has a very healthly attitude, is full of happiness, smart, always had good grades in school and in college, she is compasionate, caring goal driven person, who loves life. She will go far in life I know...she has too much self esteem not to The day she marries, I hope her grandfather will walk her down the aisle, and if she asked me, i would love to have the honor. She has had many heathly role male role models in her life, from her grandfather, teachers, principals, uncles, my friends...ect. I have never thought she lacked anything because dad not around. Sure in a perfect world thier would be mom and dad, but in many cases its not so, I rather manage without the "father " then to subject my child to a negative person...your children will grow up fine, as long as they know you are strong, love them with all your heart, and keep comunications open. Just have faith in yourself as a mother, there is no room for failure in this, you must be strong because you are basically in two roles. I wish you lots of strength, I know you can do it... No need to be sad... and maybe one day you will meet the right man, who will love your children as if they were his own, I know its possible...God sent me the best stepfather ever! I had a joke for a long ttime, I would say God messed up with the first father, so he quickly sent me a new and improved one.. He is an angel sent from heaven! ((( HUGS))) Oh, and I also have had the wicked stepmother.... never would I sumit my child to that kind of abuse... never....

[porter218]

MistresswithChillins....

 

Maybe not! Maybe MWC meets a really great guy at her new job, gets to know him, finds he's not a frog.... and they marry. He turns into a great step, and the two of you have a couple of new Chillins of your own....

 

Stranger things have occured!

Yeah, that is what I was thinking when I read her post. Plenty men have stepped up to the plate and taken over that role very well. But if he does want to be in their life, then let him. Whatever happened between the two of you ws just that *between the two of you*. Her didn't do all of his dirt to hurt his kids, maybe he will grow up enough one day to have a healthy relationship with them...who knows the kids are still young, he still has a chance.

[mistresswchildren]

The only thing I worry about is if he is too late to get that chance. My children are very smart. The other day my son got sick. I asked him if his tummy hurt any more. He said, "No, Mommy, I no hurt. You hurt." I told him that I wasn't hurt, but he insisted, "Yea, Mommy, you hurt." I asked him why I hurt and he said, "Daddy hurt you." I have never said anything to that extent to him. He just knows. He picks up on things very quickly. I am certain that his sister will be quick to follow. Knowing how easily they pick up on things, I am certain that they will realize that it isn't right for their father to not be around. If the xMM ever does step up to be a "Dad," I'm not sure how willing the kids will be to have that relationship. That hurts me as well. I also cannot stand the idea of a man running away from his responsibilities to his children and then showing back up as if nothing ever happened. It frankly makes me sick to my stomach.

 

The problem is that I know if he doesn't take part in their lives in the near future, then that ship has sailed. That in itself hurts me. There will be resentment from the kids if he ever shows his face again. Maybe, they will be able to work through it, but I'm not sure. I know that my mother checked out on us when I was little. She wasn't there emotionally. While I still love her, I view her more as a friend than anything else. She isn't the one that I would turn to if I needed help or advice. She isn't the caring, eternal mother. I mean, when I graduated from college she called me two days later and said congratulations, then she rambled on for two hours about her doctorate work. I'm proud of her, yes, but she showed she cared about my life for five seconds, then she was back onto her. Actually, both of my parents are very much like that. I have sworn to myself that I will never make my children feel that my life is more important than theirs. That is how their father is going to make them feel, and I will not do that to them.

 

As far as another guy goes, if it happens, it will be a miracle. I have seen far too much in my short life to be able to trust anyone blindly, first of all. Second, having a love life would make me feel as if I were abandoning my children for a relationship. All relationships take time and effort, and in all reality, I am not willing to take that time and effort away from my kids. I am not saying never. I am just saying that the prospect is not likely from where I sit. The man would have to have the patience of a saint. He would have to love my children to no end. He would also have to be willing to accept the fact that at this point in my life (and for many years down the road), I will ALWAYS have trust issues. All that capped with the fact that I do not believe in marriage after this situation plus the fact that both of my parents are on their third marriages, will be a major deterrent for any prospective male.

[porter218]

The only thing I worry about is if he is too late to get that chance. My children are very smart. The other day my son got sick. I asked him if his tummy hurt any more. He said, "No, Mommy, I no hurt. You hurt." I told him that I wasn't hurt, but he insisted, "Yea, Mommy, you hurt." I asked him why I hurt and he said, "Daddy hurt you." I have never said anything to that extent to him. He just knows.

.

Of coarse he knows, kids are smarter then people want to think. But they have an enormous ability to forgive as well. Your kids want to see you happy MWC, and one day both you and your kids will have moved past this whole drama. Maybe you and MM will down the road be able to co-parent civilly. Your past doesn't have to color your future.

[Owl]

MWC, I'm going to share something I rarely even think about.

 

I have four kids. Technically tho, I only have two.

 

The first two are my wife's by her first marriage. He was a jerk...left her with the two babies when they were 3 months old. He's never once seen them since.

 

I met her about a year later.

 

My point is this...all four of these kids are MINE. I met them when they were 15 months old...and I've been 'daddy' ever since. We ALL forget that I'm 'just the step-dad' all the time.

 

My daughter danced with ME...not the jerk.

 

My oldest son wrestled, did MMA, went fishing with ME. Not someone he's never met in his life.

 

They ended up with two younger brothers...and there is NO distinction in my house. Its ONE family. None of us ever THINK about the 'step' situation.

 

Don't feel sorry for your kids. The reality is, they might well find a REAL 'daddy' out there. Not this !!@#! that was the donor. They might end up like my kids...

 

Just something to think about.

[wildsoul]

MWC, I'm going to share something I rarely even think about.

*smiles* Owl just made me think of something I rarely even think about, that ties in with that whole walking your D down the aisle thing, too.

 

When I got married, I was beginning to be at peace with my dad. Yet we weren't healed enough that I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. So I asked my paternal grandpa to do it. It was sweet.

 

But another twist in the plot is that my grandpa is not my biological grandfather. My grandmother had her son (my dad) out of wedlock when she was a teenager. She met her soulmate after her son was already 6 years old. They got married, he raised my dad as his own, and they lived happily ever after. No one ever talked about my grandpa not being biological because it was completely irrelevant. He was the real dad/grandpa, not the sperm donor. I don't even know my biological grandpas name. He wasn't in our family and no one cares.

[dazed.1]

I am really very sorry for you and the pain you are in.

 

The thing I have to say is that if the father wants to be in your children's lives and there isn't going to be any drama from the W then that is really great and I think you need to allow that to happen (assuming you are the one who is keeping the kids and their father apart).

 

But if he doesn't want to be a father to them then you can't/shouldnt' make him, it would only be worse for your children. Right now they have a great mom who loves them so deeply and that can be enough for them. You cry at the notion of your son not having a father at his football games, or your daughter not having her dad walk her down the aisle, but those things mean more to your right now, than they will to your children (they won't really "know" what they are "missing" if you will). Just be the best, most supportive mom you can be and they will never feel they have missed a thing.

 

They may feel they are missing out if the father is introduced/taken away several times. In this case they realize there is a man around that is supposed to be there father but he chooses/ is forced not be around them. This would be the worst case for your children so don't allow this to happen.

 

I hope what I said makes sense. Good luck to you and stay strong for those kids.

[astra77]

I am really very sorry for you and the pain you are in.

 

The thing I have to say is that if the father wants to be in your children's lives and there isn't going to be any drama from the W then that is really great and I think you need to allow that to happen (assuming you are the one who is keeping the kids and their father apart).

 

But if he doesn't want to be a father to them then you can't/shouldnt' make him, it would only be worse for your children. Right now they have a great mom who loves them so deeply and that can be enough for them. You cry at the notion of your son not having a father at his football games, or your daughter not having her dad walk her down the aisle, but those things mean more to your right now, than they will to your children (they won't really "know" what they are "missing" if you will). Just be the best, most supportive mom you can be and they will never feel they have missed a thing.

 

They may feel they are missing out if the father is introduced/taken away several times. In this case they realize there is a man around that is supposed to be there father but he chooses/ is forced not be around them. This would be the worst case for your children so don't allow this to happen.

 

I hope what I said makes sense. Good luck to you and stay strong for those kids.

 

Beautifully written.

 

A subsitute daddy - uncle / grandpa / close family friend - is all that your babies will ever need growing up. YOU are MORE than enough for them MWC.

 

Sometimes mummys cant do everything, but subsitute daddies can step up and take over for a spell, and trust me, they will STILL enjoy what ever activity it is they are doing.

 

MWC, dont fret. If xmm is such a tosser, then that is his problem, let him wallow in his lonely M, being self absorbed and full of his own importance, while you are kicking back sipping champagne, watching your beautiful babys play and relishing in what a fantastic job YOU have done raising two awesome kids.

[trubella]

Don't feel sorry for your kids. The reality is, they might well find a REAL 'daddy' out there. Not this !!@#! that was the donor. They might end up like my kids...

 

Just something to think about.

 

agree with this, i used to be alot like you mwc. my son is 7 years old now i think within time those feelings will fade away and you will eventually look forward and realize that your kids are better off without him.

 

you cant force someone to be a dad, speaking from experience my sons father abandoned us six years ago, at the time i was so hurt by it all, i would see fathers out with their kids, or i'd see something on tv, and it would hit me all over again that my son has no father.

 

i felt so guilty, like it was my fault he had no father.. but i had to remind myself that HE made the choice to not be apart of our sons life, not me.

 

there are better men out their who would treat your kids as their own, i know because i have met one and am thankful everyday that my son has someone who cares.

[mistresswchildren]

I hope you all are correct. I have no idea. I just don't want my children to think that I kept him away from them. I won't be the one to tell him to stay away. Don't get me wrong there will be conditions to it all, but I am willing to make it work if he really wants to try. I know he is back in the states now. It is 100%. He is home, and he has not contacted me in order to talk about all of this. That is what is getting to me right now. I don't know if he has something up his sleeve, or if he just simply doesn't care. Is he going to bring me back to court? Is he going to try to get joint custody? Is he going to do all of this to hurt me even more? I feel that at this point in time I am completely reasonable enough to speak with him without rehashing the past. We have children together, and if he does indeed want to be a part of their lives, I will allow it as long as he keeps up his end. He doesn't get to ask for visitation and then not show up. Don't get me wrong, this is all still very raw, but for my children's sake, I will deal with him if I have to.

[trubella]

I hope you all are correct. I have no idea. I just don't want my children to think that I kept him away from them. I won't be the one to tell him to stay away. Don't get me wrong there will be conditions to it all, but I am willing to make it work if he really wants to try. I know he is back in the states now. It is 100%. He is home, and he has not contacted me in order to talk about all of this. That is what is getting to me right now. I don't know if he has something up his sleeve, or if he just simply doesn't care. Is he going to bring me back to court? Is he going to try to get joint custody? Is he going to do all of this to hurt me even more? I feel that at this point in time I am completely reasonable enough to speak with him without rehashing the past. We have children together, and if he does indeed want to be a part of their lives, I will allow it as long as he keeps up his end. He doesn't get to ask for visitation and then not show up. Don't get me wrong, this is all still very raw, but for my children's sake, I will deal with him if I have to.

 

im just curious but has he made any effort at all? from his actions alone does even care about his children? call to see how they are? send bday gifts, visit them when he is here. and if he doesnt do any of this- why would he go for joint custody? does he pay child support?

[mistresswchildren]

im just curious but has he made any effort at all? from his actions alone does even care about his children? call to see how they are? send bday gifts, visit them when he is here. and if he doesnt do any of this- why would he go for joint custody? does he pay child support?

 

He pays child support because I had to threaten his career to get him to do it while he was overseas. If the military were to find out about all of this he could be looking at either a demotion, an inability to promote, or he could even get kicked out. I know that the military does not deal with deadbeat fathers, so I knew that if I were to contact them that he would have no choice but to take care of the children. As soon as I threatened that he was willing to sign an agreement for child support. In this agreement he was instructed that he must provide medical insurance, which he has not done for our youngest child yet. He had the ability, but he just didn't care enough. Everything that I have gotten from him, I had to work for. I had to push him at every turn. He is in debt to the tune of about $5000 for child support. If he keeps this up, then I will have no choice but to have all of this enforced by the state.

 

He has spent a total of 39 days with his son. All of those 39 days happened only because I went to go see him. He has not made the effort to be with his son in two and a half years. He has never met his daughter, and he was capable of seeing her before he left for Iraq. He did send my son one birthday present, but as for any other gifts or letters, he has not sent any. He has never given our daughter one gift in her entire life. I agree that he would not be able to get joint custody. The most he can hope for is visitation. I am almost positive that the courts would agree with me that he would need to have some sort of supervision for the benefit of my children. They do not know him. They will be afraid of him. I think that there should be supervision to aide in any transition. I don't want them to be frightened because some stranger that happens to share the same genes as them is going to pick them up and take them for a visit. I know I am in the right, but I also know that I have no money. Hopefully, that will change, but right now the job market is HORRIBLE. I'm working on it though.