A Little More Peace and Closure

[wildsoul]

I feel good today. It's been baby steps, sometimes barely able to tell if I'm making any progress at all. Today is the first day where I can say I actually feel a little perky and more optimisitic.

 

Taking painstaking care to exercise every day, eat very simple whole foods spaced evenly throughout the day, fish oil/vitamins, no alcohol, and going to bed earlier (and at the same time every night) has really helped to restabilize my moods.

 

Admittedly, my version of NC hasn't fit the ideal model that is suggested here. I haven't done it perfectly. What I have been able to do (for a couple weeks now) is not make any of the first contacts. Then, I've eased into not responding to all of his. [Owl busted me on this a couple of days ago, accurately pointing out that I'm still reading emails xMM sends.] I did turn off my email notification, which helped minimize my Pavlovian responses, and have new mail from xMM set to be automatically marked as read and archived. *sigh* But I sheepishly confess that I still have been going into the archives to check once per day.

 

I had to begin my detachment whether or not my xMM wanted to give me closure, in fact what he was giving me was a whole lot of angry bullshot. That shocking experience made my withdrawals a thousandfold times worse. When I originally broke up with him, it was clean on my side. His separation process halted. I said that pushed us into being an affair. No can do. Let me know when you're single. Then he got all pissy, which diminshed my good feelings and sent me into a tailspin.

 

xMM sent me flowers the day before yesterday, and a long apologetic email that (finally) acknowledged what a selfish bastard he'd been through the breakup. He wrote all the right things to clean things up.

 

I know what you're thinking, cuz it's what I was thinking too: He's just trying to hook you back into the A. I didn't respond, instead just accepting that the acknowledgements helped me feel more calm.

 

Now I know this is a grey zone, but he also called me yesterday. I didn't pick up, but I did call him back. We had another closure talk, and where it's at now with us is exactly what I wanted almost 4 weeks ago when I first broke up with him. It took him this long to get on board.

• He fully acknowledged all the reasons why I had to end it. Of course it doesn't make sense for me as a single woman to tolerate a PT relationship.
  
• He admitted and apologized for all the mean things he said post breakup.
  
• He accepts that I don't want contact (though it's not what he wants.)
  
• He says he is going to continue his separation/D process and that he still doesn't know how long it will take due to finances, and that he understands I need to move on while he takes care of his business.
  
• He does hope that I'll consider him after he is single, fully understanding that I might be with someone else or not interested by then. Okay, it's more than hope: he is still doing future talk saying he wants to be with me. But he is respecting that I want to break up now.
  

I can't really encapuslate it all here in this (long) post. But it feels so much cleaner! Yes, there is this sort of big raincheck hanging out there. But breaking up with him forever was not my intention. I broke up with him to end the affair. So where we are at now, is where I wanted it to be.

 

I still need to let go. I am not putting down the hammer for a full NC. My reason is that I find my personal well-being is improved to do this more gradually. I'm not initiating contact. I will continue detaching and going for longer periods of silence.

 

I'm still observing to see if he can maintain this calm clean respect of the break up, or if this is just a momentary pause. For me to consider him in the future, I do want to see if he can maintain an even emotional keel or not. He was a childish prick over the last couple of weeks and I haven't forgotten that. But I've been overly emotional and dysfunctional too. I can accept that we are imperfect when traumatized. But now that we are in calm agreement, I need to see that we can both stablize.

 

Anyway, I feel good today. Where we are at now feels right. I feel like I can gracefully go on my own without having to hate or pathologize him to do it. I'm going to continue trying to stablize my physical/emotional/financial well being. That will lead me to a good future no matter what.

[jj33]

I feel good today. It's been baby steps, sometimes barely able to tell if I'm making any progress at all. Today is the first day where I can say I actually feel a little perky and more optimisitic.

 

Anyway, I feel good today. Where we are at now feels right. I feel like I can gracefully go on my own without having to hate or pathologize him to do it. I'm going to continue trying to stablize my physical/emotional/financial well being. That will lead me to a good future no matter what.

 

Congratulations. You did what felt right to you with NC and it has worked for you. Agreed there will be questions as to whether he will honor it, sometimes people slip, and he may, but you got to the place where you wanted to be and you are taking the steps you need to take to move on.

 

Im very happy for you.

[Owl]

Good steps!

 

Why not take one more...its not full NC, but it moves you one step closer.

 

Delete the email account he contacts you at...or if its a work one...block him entirely.

 

Just break off the entire email connection for now. Not the rest of it...keep all of that where you've got it for now.

 

Just move that one more step.

 

I hear what you're saying...and progress is good. Its better than not doing anything to improve your situation.

 

The problem is if you stop and rest in a "comfort position"...you'll have a huge tendency to stay there. Always keep pushing yourself forward on this until you get to your goal.

 

Make sense?

[wildsoul]

Delete the email account he contacts you at...or if its a work one...block him entirely.

 

Just break off the entire email connection for now. Not the rest of it...keep all of that where you've got it for now.

 

Just move that one more step.

Yes, makes sense.

Though I actually think that I'm closing the communication lines in a pretty good order.

 

1. Most important closing: Not talking by phone (which he seems to understand the most, as hearing voice is the most triggering for both of us.)

 

2. 2nd most important: Not replying to text messages (which I've done a very good job at ignoring.)

 

3. 3rd most important: Email, which I've filtered his mail to archive. My next step would be to stop digging into the archive to see if there are new mails there.

 

My thinking is that email is the easiest one for me to resist replying. If I close that, then he will probably telephone (which is a good deal harder to ignore.)

 

Also, I'm self-employed and have it set now that he doesn't ever try emailing me at my biz email (which I cannot turn off.) I think it's better to keep my gmail account just for him, and not use it for anything else. That way, there is no legit reason for me to check it.

[mytruelove]

this sounds so good. i'm so happy you have been able to find some peace with this now.

 

i really like the way you have seemed to leave things for now. i think your doing so great. your really taking healthy steps to improve YOURSELF and make YOURSELF happy - awesome woman!!!

 

i think acknowledging that it is going to be tough and your not going to be perfect is powerful. i think just that alone makes it easier to get through the hard times. we are human, we make mistakes, we learn from them, and we move on and do better next time.

 

you've acknowledged now what you truly want and you've made it very clear to him. your being true to yourself and loving yourself first!!! only when we do that do i think we are truly able to love another.

 

there is hope!!! here's to starting the first day of the rest of your life. your in control of your own destiny now

 

pm's are nice. i think you can get them sooner if you register and pay

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey WS

 

You sound so much happier now you have had further closure & things have ended on good terms with the MM which is what you wanted. Well done for looking after yourself as well as it can be easy to neglect oneself when feeling low.

 

Why not delete the gmail account completely - if you only use it for MM to communicate to you why do still need it? Curiosity I guess.

 

Whether he gets divorced or not remains to be seen but its brilliant you are not going to wait around for that to happen & just become his OW.

[wildsoul]

Why not delete the gmail account completely - if you only use it for MM to communicate to you why do still need it? Curiosity I guess.

 

Whether he gets divorced or not remains to be seen but its brilliant you are not going to wait around for that to happen & just become his OW.

 

I'm not deleting it completetly because:

1. I'm not declaring a permanent NC.
   
2. I'd rather leave that otherwise unused line of communication open, so he doesn't call or start sending mail to my biz email.
   
3. I'm still open to reconsidering the relationship after he is is legally separated/divorced. (He's guestimating after the 1st of the year.) So I want to be able to read an email from him if/when that day comes.
   

Honestly, I have no idea what comes next and don't need to know as long as I'm not having a PA with him, and such minimal contact that there isn't an EA. I'll work on me. He did tell me that now that I've pulled out, he intends to rechannel that time/energy into his divorce. Time will tell, for both of us.

[mytruelove]

"He did tell me that now that I've pulled out, he intends to rechannel that time/energy into his divorce. Time will tell, for both of us." -good, now you have left the ball completely in his court. now if he really wants a relationship with you he now has the motiviation to get it moving. you're doing the very best thing.

 

i completely understand you leaving the line of communication open (as long as you feel strong enough to do that and still keep your boundaries) if you still have feelings for him. i say do what is comfortable for you. time will tell like you said.

[Agent_99]

ws,

 

I'm glad that he has finally dealt with the break up in a more mature maner. It's interesting to note that MW that I'm involved with takes longer than I do to 'process' emotions. To be fair to her, she does have a whole other relationship to deal with, as well as a overflowing plate of responsibility.

 

Anyway, I've read your posts from the start, and I'm glad for you that you are feeling more stable.

 

~99

[astra77]

WS, i said a while ago that you are stronger than you think, and this post proves it !! Well done, you have YOUR best interests at heart.

 

MM seems to have grown up a little, and i'll give him the benefit of the doubt, BUT just be CAREFUL this isnt a HOOK to try suck you back in to that A. You have to remain strong huny, and remember that YOU do not want an A. PLEASE be careful, and keep your eyes open.

 

By all means move on and if he catches up to you a little way down the track, D papers is hand, then go for it, BUT just remember to be wary of him until then.

 

Focus on you my dear, heal yourself, and that way if and when MM does catch up, you can start a proper R with him and you'll be a better person for it.

 

CONGRATS HUNY

[mistresswchildren]

Here's an interesting suggestion. Get into your e-mail while you have a close friend around. Have that friend change your password. If it is just for the xMM, then it shouldn't be a problem. Have that friend swear they will not tell you the password. Then if you really want to check it, you will have to be around that very close friend of yours. Now, most likely that friend will try to talk you out of opening the e-mails. Once NC goes on for long enough, he will get the point. NC works differently for every one, and I understand your hesitation to do NC full on, but for you to move on, you have to! Take care of yourself! At least you are taking steps. Every step forward is positive! Just don't get complacent, or you will never get out of this.

[wildsoul]

Thanks everyone, but let me say again: I'm not doing a hard NC.

 

Right now, it's in the perfect place. I don't want to change anything. I feel like we have peace and closure.

 

That might change, but I really don't need more tips on how to banish him from my life. If something changes where I feel compulsive (which I absolutley don't now that I got the closure I wanted) or he starts becoming annoying (a distinct possibility) then I'll revisit the idea of a hard NC. But really, this feels right for now.

[Meaplus3]

I feel good today. It's been baby steps, sometimes barely able to tell if I'm making any progress at all. Today is the first day where I can say I actually feel a little perky and more optimisitic.

 

Taking painstaking care to exercise every day, eat very simple whole foods spaced evenly throughout the day, fish oil/vitamins, no alcohol, and going to bed earlier (and at the same time every night) has really helped to restabilize my moods.

 

Admittedly, my version of NC hasn't fit the ideal model that is suggested here. I haven't done it perfectly. What I have been able to do (for a couple weeks now) is not make any of the first contacts. Then, I've eased into not responding to all of his. [Owl busted me on this a couple of days ago, accurately pointing out that I'm still reading emails xMM sends.] I did turn off my email notification, which helped minimize my Pavlovian responses, and have new mail from xMM set to be automatically marked as read and archived. *sigh* But I sheepishly confess that I still have been going into the archives to check once per day.

 

I had to begin my detachment whether or not my xMM wanted to give me closure, in fact what he was giving me was a whole lot of angry bullshot. That shocking experience made my withdrawals a thousandfold times worse. When I originally broke up with him, it was clean on my side. His separation process halted. I said that pushed us into being an affair. No can do. Let me know when you're single. Then he got all pissy, which diminshed my good feelings and sent me into a tailspin.

 

xMM sent me flowers the day before yesterday, and a long apologetic email that (finally) acknowledged what a selfish bastard he'd been through the breakup. He wrote all the right things to clean things up.

 

I know what you're thinking, cuz it's what I was thinking too: He's just trying to hook you back into the A. I didn't respond, instead just accepting that the acknowledgements helped me feel more calm.

 

 

Now I know this is a grey zone, but he also called me yesterday. I didn't pick up, but I did call him back. We had another closure talk, and where it's at now with us is exactly what I wanted almost 4 weeks ago when I first broke up with him. It took him this long to get on board.

• He fully acknowledged all the reasons why I had to end it. Of course it doesn't make sense for me as a single woman to tolerate a PT relationship.
  
• He admitted and apologized for all the mean things he said post breakup.
  
• He accepts that I don't want contact (though it's not what he wants.)
  
• He says he is going to continue his separation/D process and that he still doesn't know how long it will take due to finances, and that he understands I need to move on while he takes care of his business.
  
• He does hope that I'll consider him after he is single, fully understanding that I might be with someone else or not interested by then. Okay, it's more than hope: he is still doing future talk saying he wants to be with me. But he is respecting that I want to break up now.
  

I can't really encapuslate it all here in this (long) post. But it feels so much cleaner! Yes, there is this sort of big raincheck hanging out there. But breaking up with him forever was not my intention. I broke up with him to end the affair. So where we are at now, is where I wanted it to be.

 

I still need to let go. I am not putting down the hammer for a full NC. My reason is that I find my personal well-being is improved to do this more gradually. I'm not initiating contact. I will continue detaching and going for longer periods of silence.

 

I'm still observing to see if he can maintain this calm clean respect of the break up, or if this is just a momentary pause. For me to consider him in the future, I do want to see if he can maintain an even emotional keel or not. He was a childish prick over the last couple of weeks and I haven't forgotten that. But I've been overly emotional and dysfunctional too. I can accept that we are imperfect when traumatized. But now that we are in calm agreement, I need to see that we can both stablize.

 

Anyway, I feel good today. Where we are at now feels right. I feel like I can gracefully go on my own without having to hate or pathologize him to do it. I'm going to continue trying to stablize my physical/emotional/financial well being. That will lead me to a good future no matter what.

 

 

Good for you! Baby steps keep taking them each and everyday and soon enough you will be running, jumping and even leaping.. leaving this all behind you. Stay strong.

 

AP:)

[aloneatnights]

wildsoul the way i am feeling at the moment,i wish i hadnt done hard NC. i miss him so much it hurts but i keep thinking 'what was there to miss?' i got absolutely nothing out of the relationship and know i deserve better and am worth more and in fact, others have proved it to me but i just wish there was some other form of communication apart from the phone but i took that option away from both of us.

i just miss him recently but 6 wks NC is doing good, just wish i could finally move on without wondering.

keep up the good work and what works for you, i wish you all the best

[beautifullove]

I'm proud of you for being strong, and elated that you are where you wanted to be. However, I must say that I am slightly envious of the closure (why can't I get closure??????). I also understand what you said about the gradual distance you are creating. Although that was my original plan to ween myself off him, he actually didn't give me any choice. I'm still pi***d at him for treating me this way. I can't help but go over in my mind the numerous times I raised the conversation about giving him and I space, so he could be sure about our R (and her), and he always reassured me he was clear about his decision. I want him to apologize, and realize he was being very selfish. But from where I'm standing, it looks like I'll never be able to have that conversation. At least following stories like yours and others, gives me some sort of insight into why MM do the things they do. Anyway, congrats once again!

[wildsoul]

wildsoul the way i am feeling at the moment,i wish i hadnt done hard NC. i miss him so much it hurts but i keep thinking 'what was there to miss?' i got absolutely nothing out of the relationship and know i deserve better and am worth more and in fact, others have proved it to me but i just wish there was some other form of communication apart from the phone but i took that option away from both of us.

i just miss him recently but 6 wks NC is doing good, just wish i could finally move on without wondering.

keep up the good work and what works for you, i wish you all the best

Wow, but you are already past the hardest phases of NC! In that case, it seems to me that you ought to strive to keep that progress. Seriously, think back to those days of laying on the floor in agonizing withdrawal fits. Girl, I know you had 'em. We all do. You do not want to go back to that phase.

 

Just a hunch, but it might be time for you to add more things into your life. Letting go of the A/R is a big messy process of it's own. But now that you've done that phase, maybe it's time to add in new positive things to offset feelings of missing the R.

[nadiaj2727]

Your posts are so strong and inspirational. They make me so happy to read. Good for you!!!!

 

Be careful not to get sucked back in. I know you can do it. I have nothing to add to your very insightful thread except congratulations for discovering your worth and acting upon it, and best wishes!

[aloneatnights]

its hard because i am alone at nights lol and thats when i do my thinking. anyway, school starts again soon and i'll be off job hunting and looking for something to do and sorting the kids out. one good thing recently, my eldest got onto his 2 yr college course and that is a huge relief.

i have invested in some small home gym equipment so i am going to start a new regime and get fitter and toned up to race my little ones to school. i may even just give up the cigarettes soon but let's not try to do everything at once eh.

 

may i take this opportunity to say this board has been invaluable with advice and kind words and thank you to all the replies and words of encouragement.

3 cheers (and didnt GB do well in the olympics this year??? !!!)