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The inevitable end.


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I have had many different screen names on loveshack, but this is the one I used the most. This is the last thread I will ever start on this website and it's really just to advise everyone and let you know what happened in my situation.

 

I was on and off with Danny for over three years. Each time we were "on" I was very anxious and just waiting for papers to be filed. He never managed to file them.

 

The first time around, he left me after I became pregnant. He would still send IMs and emails and my heart would still melt... but I moved across the country so I could try and get over him. It didn't work.

 

We started up again in late 2006. I think I remember saying on here how he would call me on payphones and such. It began at a friend's wedding that he was a DJ at where I confessed my love for him, etc. We met up again in February 07 and it was very awkward. We didn't really say much.... but then went to the bedroom and ALMOST had sex, but didn't because the maid came knocking on the door right before we did. Ha.

 

Then I went up to his area (my old area) for a weekend in April of 07 and that is the first time we slept together. We slept together in my hotel a few times and then once on his couch.

 

Then, as some of you probably remember, he and his family came down for my daughter's birthday in May and we wound up sleeping together with everyone close by when I stayed in the hotel room with them. Weird situation.

 

His wife found out about us again right before he said he was going to be leaving her. He told me I could tell her whatever I wanted when I spoke to her on the phone and so I told her the truth and because of that he said I betrayed him and things ended again. With basically no closure, which sent me into a bit of a depression for a long time because I was always thinking about him. But even though I was depressed because I missed him, I was happier alone than this most recent time we got together.

 

This summer was the third, and final, time that we got together. I moved back up to the area and he was telling me he was definitely getting divorced and to just let him work things out his way this time and it would work out. So I did. I was quiet. I got on birth control this time (depo provera, which caused me to go a little crazy) and we had sex for the first time in May. At the end of June he was dropping my daughter off to me at a local restaurant and had a beer while doing so which upset his wife and she kicked him out and he came and lived with me for a month. After that month my lease was up and we signed a lease and moved into an apartment together. Things were really good at times. But I was stressed out ALL of the time. I kept thinking he was going to go back to his wife and divorce papers were nowhere to be found. And I knew that his wife still wanted him. I experienced anxiety like I have never felt before. Many people on here know that from one of my other screen names. I also started drinking a lot. And I paid much more attention to him than my daughter.... which is what hurts the most.

 

We had a few bad nights where I drank too much and literally went crazy. The worst was on Monday. I don't even remember most of the night because I was not only drunk on whiskey, but I was on some new medication I just got, ativan (like xanax). His friends claimed I was driving around with someone around the apartment complex with a guy and made out with him. I know that didn't happen. I know it was either someone else or if it was me, I probably hugged the guy and it looked like I kissed him. But I would have never made out with anyone else, no matter how drunk I was. He left me some wonderful voicemails that I didn't get until the next evening calling me every horrible name you can call a female. He also said now he was going to go back to his wife and he knows I will probably take my daughter away but he doesn't even care if he doesn't see her again.

I was also arrested that night. And my daughter was taken away from me. Disorderly conduct was the charge. I was down in the grass in a t-shirt and underwear doing cartwheels or something with her.

 

I cannot believe what became of me. Monday night was a HUGE slap in the face and wake-up call. I have come completely back to reality and I am seeing things for what they are. I lost sight of myself completely when I was with him. I became a bad mother. That really hurts to say, but it is the truth. I was an excellent mother before him. With him, I was awful. I didn't pay much attention to her and I was drinking a LOT.

 

As soon as I get my daughter back (well, my mother will be getting her back before I do) I am moving back down to Florida and I am focusing 100% on my daughter and school like I was before. Only this time I am a LOT more at peace with the situation.

 

Of course I miss him, I truly loved him. But those feelings are starting to subside as I realize what I turned into. I do not hate him. I do not think bad things about him. I just cannot have him in my life (in any way shape or form) because he is toxic to me and he is toxic to my daughter. He never loved my daughter as much as his daughter from his marriage. He admitted this to me. He also admitted to feeling more like a stepfather than her father.

 

I've said this before and I will say it again. What I truly think I will miss the most about the whole relationship is the sex. It was mind blowing and it makes me sad to think that I really will never sleep with him again. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that we would again after last year.... but this time I know we won't. I know eventually I will find someone that I have amazing chemistry and passion with and I will probably find great sex again. But the thought that I might not kills me.

 

So anyway, that's my story. No rage, anger, or deep sorrow this time. And there won't be. I finally have closure. That was all I was looking for. True closure. And finally, after three years, I got it.

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greengoddess

Wow well I guess this is a new beginning for you.

 

I wish you and your daughter well. It sounds like a new start and that you will really get your life together for that little girl. I hope he is paying child support.

 

Curious though, why multiple screen names? Who were you previously?

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whichwayisup

I'm glad that now you have your closure - A painful way to get it but now you can focus on healing, getting some counselling in and ofcourse being with your daughter again.

 

Thanks for doing an update, and take care.

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i am so sorry you went thru this. But now that you have had a reality slap, you need to focus on fixing YOU and getting your daughter back. No guy is worth losing your kids for - im guessing you know this now.

 

Move away from the toxic mm, pick up your life and move on. Concentrate on you and your baby. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can truely heal and recover ourselves.

 

Good Luck

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aloneatnights

oh god i feel for you. i came so close tog iving up everything, even 3 kids for the man i love/loved (still havent made my mind up) but didnt. and now i wont.

i really hope i have proper closure before 3 years though

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LakesideDream

OK, I don't get this at all. First I don't understand the multiple screen names. Why? If you are honest in what you share, there is no reason to create different identities.

 

More important. How and Why would you ignore and mistreat your child for ANY MAN? That's beyond my ability to comprehend. I have raised two children. When one of them, an 18 year old adult needed help I put my life on hold for a year and a half to help. There was no question on whether or not to do it.

 

Abandoning a dependant child, hardly more than a baby for "great sex" is bizarre. Make no mistake, you have abandoned that child emotionally as well as physically. Dear gawd, the police and child services have removed the child.

 

Clean up. Sober up. Ignore men and "great sex" completely until you are sober, employed, stable, and have custody of your daughter for YEARS, not months.

 

I am NOT sorry you are "going through all this". You needed a wake up call. I hope for the sake of your child that this is it.

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OK, I don't get this at all. First I don't understand the multiple screen names. Why? If you are honest in what you share, there is no reason to create different identities.

 

I'm not trying to answer for the OP but I remember when she did start posting under a different name..

I think the wife found out who she was on LS or he did or a friend of hers did.. something like that.. can't remember which as well as she was trying to get away from what IWALH stands for " I will always love him "

 

It doesn't matter that she posted under different names.. this is an anonymous board..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123633/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123918/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123260/

 

She never hid that she changed her name

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OK, I don't get this at all. First I don't understand the multiple screen names. Why? If you are honest in what you share, there is no reason to create different identities.

 

More important. How and Why would you ignore and mistreat your child for ANY MAN? That's beyond my ability to comprehend. I have raised two children. When one of them, an 18 year old adult needed help I put my life on hold for a year and a half to help. There was no question on whether or not to do it.

 

Abandoning a dependant child, hardly more than a baby for "great sex" is bizarre. Make no mistake, you have abandoned that child emotionally as well as physically. Dear gawd, the police and child services have removed the child.

 

Clean up. Sober up. Ignore men and "great sex" completely until you are sober, employed, stable, and have custody of your daughter for YEARS, not months.

 

I am NOT sorry you are "going through all this". You needed a wake up call. I hope for the sake of your child that this is it.

 

I never once asked for anyone to feel sorry for me. I DID need a wake up call. And I sure as hell got one.

 

Before I got back with him, I was a fantastic mother!! Everyone ALWAYS comments on how great of a mother I am. I just got a little too involved with him this summer and that took time away from her. I never abandoned her. I just paid too much attention to him and started drinking. The drinking was the problem. And there was only ONE incident where I was drinking myself into oblivion with her around. That was Monday night.

 

I learned my lesson. I went to my first A.A. meeting today and I will continue to go daily. I am never drinking alcohol again and as soon as I get my daughter back I am going back with my mother to go back to the stable happy life my daughter and I had before I got back with her father.

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OK, I don't get this at all. First I don't understand the multiple screen names. Why? If you are honest in what you share, there is no reason to create different identities.

 

More important. How and Why would you ignore and mistreat your child for ANY MAN? That's beyond my ability to comprehend. I have raised two children. When one of them, an 18 year old adult needed help I put my life on hold for a year and a half to help. There was no question on whether or not to do it.

 

Abandoning a dependant child, hardly more than a baby for "great sex" is bizarre. Make no mistake, you have abandoned that child emotionally as well as physically. Dear gawd, the police and child services have removed the child.

 

Clean up. Sober up. Ignore men and "great sex" completely until you are sober, employed, stable, and have custody of your daughter for YEARS, not months.

 

I am NOT sorry you are "going through all this". You needed a wake up call. I hope for the sake of your child that this is it.

 

Oh, and I changed my screen name for a few reasons. First, he wanted me to. Then his wife kept looking at my posts and I wanted my privacy.

 

I don't care if you know what they are! Never_Again was one. So was.... crap, I can't even remember it. It was the most recent screen name I had. I was talking about him moving in with me, being on depo provera, and having severe paranoia to the point where I thought he was going to kill me (that thought faded fast, btw).

 

But anyway, this is the last thread that I will ever start on here. Just wanted to give the end to my story. :)

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Im sorry you had to suffer so much pain. We dont know how strong we are and what we can accomplish until we have to. Believe me I know first hand.

 

You sound really strong. And if you are able to keep your baby, and you have the chance to go to Florida and get back in school then you have a chance.

As painful as it may be, having MM close the door is probably the biggest gift he could ever give you.

 

Your old screen names dont matter. What happened yesterday doesnt matter as long as you dont make the same mistakes again.

 

What matters is what you do tomorrow and the next day for you and your child. What opportunities you make for yourself now and what you do with these opportunities when they are in front of you.

 

I hope you will you look back in a year or two or 5 and think how far you have come and what a wonderful life you have made for yourself and your baby. And that you will be proud of the reflection that you see in the mirror.

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LakesideDream

Well then, Good Luck to the OP. You have a lot of work ahead of you.

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But anyway, this is the last thread that I will ever start on here. Just wanted to give the end to my story. :)

My guess is this guy is completely and utterly toxic to you.

 

Please stay away from him and take care of yourself and your daughter.

 

I wish you well.

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LucreziaBorgia

I wish you luck, peace and happiness and wish a life for you that is quieter, more stable and a new start.

 

My mother was an alcoholic, and she abandoned me and my brother for a MM. She signed away her parental rights through the mail, and didn't look back for a good many years as she continued to drink, drug and get herself involved in various relationships (some good, mostly bad). She spent the rest of her life - right up until her death trying to make amends for that and to get us back into her life. It was too late. It was always too late. She died with the knowledge that she traded her children in for a chance with a MM, and never got a chance to be a mother again.

 

Don't end up like that. You have something my mother didn't - a second chance. Use it wisely.

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mistresswchildren

While I do not feel that I would ever emotionally abandon my children for the xMM, I do understand in some ways how you feel. I feel like at this point all of my actions have concentrated around the MM. I thought I was doing what was right for my children in a lot of ways, but I now realize that it was horribly wrong. I should have stopped a long time ago. I am glad that you posted this. I feel that it shows me how dangerous and toxic this type of situation can be. I realize that people can lose sight of what is truly important. I don't ever want to get to that point. I have been in a slight depression for a few months now. I have been blaming myself for everything. My grief has, I'm sure, affected my children, and even that little bit of pain that I know they feel is not worth it. I don't want them to be sad because Mommy's sad. I don't want them to feel like I cannot be the mother I need to be because their father hurt me.

 

I may not be able to completely understand you or your situation, but I do have compassion for you. You needed this wake up call. Now, concentrate on your little girl. If that man gave you nothing else, he gave you the best gift anyone can give to another human being. He gave you your child. I hope that all works out for you and your little girl. I feel for you both. It is hard to be a mother and the OW. This is why I know I will never become involved with another married man. The strain and stress that it places you under is not healthy for your child. I know you know this. I know that you are truly sorry for what you have done in regards to your daughter. Get her back. Be her "Mommy!" She deserves that, and believe it or not you do too. Hang in there. Life will turn around as long as you are willing to take the steps to turn it around.

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torranceshipman

I'm so sorry that you went through this - it sounded horrific. I wish you well with the move to Florida and I think this story is a great example of how twisted and nasty a situation with a nasty MM can get-how it can drag a person down, even if they started off confident and happy-the snowball effect of a bad judgement (and who hasnt made a bad judgement) - its knowing when to say 'stop' as soon as the red flag is there...

 

...I think you have a wonderful future ahead of you with your daughter and the damage there can be repaired - and you'll meet a wonderful man one day. Focus on healing and changing everything around and only allowing positive influences in your life and try not to dwell too much on remembering the bad memories with this guy. He's not the one, if that helps! The right person is out there somewhere and when you meet him you'll realise why it didnt work out with this nasty MM guy. He really sounded like a horrible, manipulative man (if he was a good guy your life wouldnt have been trashed) so in one sense, I dont think you ever really knew him at all. I'd suggest NC at all with the guy, for the rest of time (but not sure how that'd work with child support?)

 

Anyway, no problem posting under multiple names - thats your choice! And good luck for the future! x

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