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It's a question of respect...


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I'll do my best to pose this as a question. On another thread the question came up of respect. I posted the following opinion - and as the conversation grew I was asked to start a new thread. I will add here that the original post was concerning a young adult son.

 

I (personally) feel quite strongly that it is a parent's responsibility to encourage their child(ren) to show respect to the other parent's new partner. Part of the responsibility (IMO) of being a parent is to help their children face some of the difficulties of being an adult. We don't always get to have the life we want. Accomodations must be made for other people and their choices. One of those accomodations (again this is MY OPINION) may be accepting a person as part of the family who we may not like. But if that person is married to someone we love, then that person should be shown respect. Otherwise, as Trimmer said, it shows disrespect to the loved one.

 

(Showing respect in my lexicon means being polite, courteous and acknowledging them as their parent's partner. It does NOT mean the son/daughter needs to think well of the person, accept them as a parental substitute, or enjoy their company.)

 

And this is an example of what I personally mean by showing respect:

 

I have a job. I like my job a lot. It's challenging, pays well, etc. My boss is great. It's just an all around good place to work.

 

The company I work for is bought out. The boss I like so well was let go, and I now have a new boss. This boss is scum. He's a jerk in every way.

 

I do not respect this man. He is pond scum as far as I'm concerned. Out of the office I would cross town to avoid him. But, he's my boss. While at work I will show him the respect he deserves simply and solely because he is my boss. He has NOT earned that respect. He just gets it, because he was appointed to the position.

 

A stepparent or new partner to a parent is the same (IMO). They haven't done anything (necessarily) to earn the childs respect. In fact they start out in the negative range and the child may dislike them intensely. That does not mean the child should show disrespect. They should be at the very least courteous and polite.

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IMO, you are using the wrong word. I think that if you respect someone there is some sort of admiration that goes with it. I think you are just asking for people to be polite. It very possible for me to be polite to someone I don't respect. But if you ask me to respect someone with no redeeming qualities, well I would find that impossible.

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That's a good point, HN.

 

And with THAT distinction, I could actually agree a little further.

 

A BS might suggest to their kids that they be POLITE to the affair partner as best they can...and I think that would be just about as much as you could reasonaly ask anyone.

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That's a good point, HN.

 

And with THAT distinction, I could actually agree a little further.

 

A BS might suggest to their kids that they be POLITE to the affair partner as best they can...and I think that would be just about as much as you could reasonaly ask anyone.

 

Owl, because I respect you, I'm glad we agree on this.

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IMO, you are using the wrong word. I think that if you respect someone there is some sort of admiration that goes with it. I think you are just asking for people to be polite. It very possible for me to be polite to someone I don't respect. But if you ask me to respect someone with no redeeming qualities, well I would find that impossible.

 

Well, maybe I am using the wrong word, but I defined how I was using it a bunch of times. According to the dictionary I'm not using it incorrectly:

 

deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly

 

It is why I continued to stress the idea "show respect" as opposed to "have respect".

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And as we've seen on this site...there are often times when you respect someone, but aren't always POLITE with them.

 

I think that's an everyday occurrence on this site! :)

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And perhaps the confusion came from my own 'take' on respect...

 

I cannot "show respect" for someone for whom I can't "feel respect". I can't respect someone I hate.

 

I can be POLITE to pretty much anyone.

 

To me, these are actually very different things.

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Well, maybe I am using the wrong word, but I defined how I was using it a bunch of times. According to the dictionary I'm not using it incorrectly:

 

deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly

 

It is why I continued to stress the idea "show respect" as opposed to "have respect".

 

I can respect a situation and not have any respect for the person involved. For example:

 

"I respect the fact the he is the boss", doesn't mean that I respect the person. I may loathe the person, but because he is my boss, I have to respect that fact by acting appropriately if I want to keep my job. But, I may never have any respect for the person at all.

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And perhaps the confusion came from my own 'take' on respect...

 

I cannot "show respect" for someone for whom I can't "feel respect". I can't respect someone I hate.

 

I can be POLITE to pretty much anyone.

 

To me, these are actually very different things.

 

:) :) :) If you think of respect as admiration I can certainly understand getting hot and bothered about my opinion as stated. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

I didn't mean that we should encourage our children (of any age) to admire a person who is not admirable. I meant teaching (encouraging) our children to "be respectful" or "show respect" in other words to be polite, courteous and acknowledging their position as the partner of their parent.

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:) :) :) If you think of respect as admiration I can certainly understand getting hot and bothered about my opinion as stated. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

I didn't mean that we should encourage our children (of any age) to admire a person who is not admirable. I meant teaching (encouraging) our children to "be respectful" or "show respect" in other words to be polite, courteous and acknowledging their position as the partner of their parent.

 

So, I guess we just disagree about the definition of respect.

 

Respectfully, I now have to go to work. Thankfully with someone whom I do respect very much.

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I can respect a situation and not have any respect for the person involved. For example:

 

"I respect the fact the he is the boss", doesn't mean that I respect the person. I may loathe the person, but because he is my boss, I have to respect that fact by acting appropriately if I want to keep my job. But, I may never have any respect for the person at all.

 

EXACTLY. That was the point I was attempting to make all along.

 

Give the respect (read this as good behavior) that a person deserves because of the position they are in (partner of a parent) not because of the person they are.

 

Conversely, the new partner of the parent should give the children the respect they deserve due to the position they are in (the children of one's partner) not necessarily because of the people they are.

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polite is one thing and respect is another.

 

showing respect is not the true sense of what respect represents.

 

true respect is earned, IMO and experience.

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GrnEyedGemini

Ok then, I have a question regarding parents, parents' new partner, adult children, and respect.

 

Say mom had an affair with dad's friend, who maliciously pursued mom while married to dad behind dad's back. Mom and Dad are divorcing. Mom continues relationship with dad's (ex)friend. Adult child, severely upset about situation, cannot stand dad's ex-friend. Not only because of situation, but because he is a bad person. Just all around bad, creepy vibe person. Mom tries to force relationship between dad's ex-friend and adult child. Adult child refuses to make attempt, thought of dad's ex-friend sickens adult child, absolutely refuses to even be in same room.

 

If dad's ex-friend is root cause of divorce, root cause of destroying the family, root cause of destroying hopes for future happy family memories....how does that person deserve one once of respect from the adult child?

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Ok then, I have a question regarding parents, parents' new partner, adult children, and respect.

 

Say mom had an affair with dad's friend, who maliciously pursued mom while married to dad behind dad's back. Mom and Dad are divorcing. Mom continues relationship with dad's (ex)friend. Adult child, severely upset about situation, cannot stand dad's ex-friend. Not only because of situation, but because he is a bad person. Just all around bad, creepy vibe person. Mom tries to force relationship between dad's ex-friend and adult child. Adult child refuses to make attempt, thought of dad's ex-friend sickens adult child, absolutely refuses to even be in same room.

 

If dad's ex-friend is root cause of divorce, root cause of destroying the family, root cause of destroying hopes for future happy family memories....how does that person deserve one once of respect from the adult child?

 

um, let's start at the beginning of the issue:

 

the Mom doesn't even deserve respect considering SHE is the one that participated willingly.

 

the other friend is a secondary issue because the respect for the Mom hasn't been earned and she doesn't deserve it - much less the other friend.

 

i admire the adult child for standing firm on his basic morals and sending a message to Mom that this behavior is not ok!

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GrnEyedGemini

Inevitably the adult child and the dad's ex-friend are going to be in the same room. What would be the proper way to handle it? Ignoring him? Pretending to be ok?

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Inevitably the adult child and the dad's ex-friend are going to be in the same room. What would be the proper way to handle it? Ignoring him? Pretending to be ok?

 

quick, polite acknowledgement - then cool indifference... almost as he doesn't exist.

 

how does that sound?

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A swift hard kick in the groin, repeatidly, would feel better! :)

 

that would be too easy... but hey, you can always dream about it.

 

to be classy and indifferent will be much more painful for them in the long run... he he

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GrnEyedGemini
that would be too easy... but hey, you can always dream about it.

 

to be classy and indifferent will be much more painful for them in the long run... he he

 

 

 

*sigh* To dream a wonderful dream...lol j/k

 

Classy and indifferent...hmmm...can do. Thanks! :)

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*sigh* To dream a wonderful dream...lol j/k

 

Classy and indifferent...hmmm...can do. Thanks! :)

 

the indifferent part will kill them both! act like they're not even there after saying a very brief and curt hello.

 

if a connection with you is attempted - simply turn and walk away. no words!

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GrnEyedGemini
the indifferent part will kill them both! act like they're not even there after saying a very brief and curt hello.

 

if a connection with you is attempted - simply turn and walk away. no words!

 

 

Lol...the dad's ex-friend has already gotten that treatment, except no hello....just simply walked away while screaming in my head I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You! Lol. I'm sure my face did not decieve me, lol.

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Lol...the dad's ex-friend has already gotten that treatment, except no hello....just simply walked away while screaming in my head I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You! Lol. I'm sure my face did not decieve me, lol.

 

put a really beautiful smile on your face and imagine yourself in the most beautiful place in the world. let your body language stay relaaaaxed.

 

you will be happy and it will totally confuse him. he he

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GrnEyedGemini
put a really beautiful smile on your face and imagine yourself in the most beautiful place in the world. let your body language stay relaaaaxed.

 

you will be happy and it will totally confuse him. he he

 

 

 

Especially when I walk away when he addresses me. Now I can't wait to have the chance, lol. :)

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Mom tries to force relationship between dad's ex-friend and adult child. Adult child refuses to make attempt, thought of dad's ex-friend sickens adult child, absolutely refuses to even be in same room.

 

If dad's ex-friend is root cause of divorce, root cause of destroying the family, root cause of destroying hopes for future happy family memories....how does that person deserve one once of respect from the adult child?

 

Assuming that Mom is now in a LTR with Dad's ex-friend...?? adult child, if said adult child wants a continued relationship with Mom, will eventually need to adjust to the new reality. Adult child doesn't need to like him, certainly doesn't need to have a "relationship" with him, but adult child will end up losing Mom, too, if the adult child doesn't start acting like an adult instead of a child.

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