Endangered Friendship

[precious1357]

Hi,

 

Wonder if anyone has any thoughts. I have been involved with MM for awhile and I shared the information with one of my girlfriends. Now that she is getting married (for the 3rd time), she is getting real haughty. She tells me things the MM's wife says and what she's doing. I listened for awhile and then I ended the conversation. I called her back after a couple of hours and told her that I thought she was rubbing the wife in my face and that had hurt my feelings and the things I shared with her about us I hope she had no intention of telling her forthcoming husband (even though they are living together). By the way, all of these people are over 55 years old. Anyway, she left me a voicemail saying that my guilt was eating me up and I was so miserable and my misery begrudged her marriage! OMG, that is so far from the truth and I will not call her again. I have never been jealous or envious of anyone (well maybe Kimora Lee Simmons) but not regular people! Anyway, has anyone ever had their friend change on them because of MM?

[wildsoul]

My expectations are the opposite of yours. I think it's way too much to expect a friend to be supportive of an affair, particularly if they know the MM or his W. It puts people in a very weird position.

 

When I was dating my MM, who was supposedly separating, I did tell my friends. Part of the reason is I didn't want to have this big secret that could potentially explode and have no one there for me if it did. I was in some denial (perpetuated by xMM) and that I also perpetuated when telling my friends. So while I was honest with them, there was some places where I fibbed a bit too. (That felt horrible btw.)

 

But my reason for telling THEM was also to keep me somewhat accountable. There is no way in hell they would approve or support me being in a blantant A. So when it started getting weird with him dragging out his separation process, I broke up with him and also told my friends. By ending it with him when I did, my friends were approving that I did the right thing.

 

I'm rambling, so maybe this isn't making sense. But I think it's unreasonable to expect friends to support you in engaging in something they consider morally "wrong."

 

From here, the best thing you can do is never to discuss your MM with her again. Make the friendship about other things, and you'll be alright.

[Illilcit Love]

I did tell one of my closest friends (she is actually more like a sister to me and is also related to my mm) We tell each other everything, so it was killing me keeping it a secret from her for so long. I ended up telling her because I really didn't have anyone else to confide in and really needed an outside opinion and support. When I told her, she was angry (mostly at him) but she was very supportive for me. She helped me get through alot of hard times while ending the A, and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

 

However, with that being said, I agree with WS...

Sometimes it is too much for people to handel, especially if they know the MM or the W (in my case she knew them both). Unfortuately, now that she know the truth, she see's his marraige for what it is, and it upsets her. which is why I choose not to discuss things with her about the A any longer. Like WS said, you need to find different things to chat about.

[precious1357]

Thanks ladies:

 

We didn't "chat" about MM. First, it has and is ALWAYS, ALWAYS about her, I know her very very well and I was not soliciting her support...we happen to all attend the same place of worship. I do not want to go back and forth...thanks...

[noforgiveness]

precious maybe you need to listen to your friend. Aren't you seeing a mm who seems to be happily married and goes on vacations and all ith his wife and has no intention of leaving? Why are you doing this to yourself? Don't run from the truth your friend is telling you. Face it. Dump him. Tell the wife and get on with your life. He is using you.

[bentnotbroken]

I had a friend tell me about her A, I told her that I love her like a sister and if she ever wants me in her life again, give me a call. If she is every in trouble I will be there, but I can't support her involvement after she saw what my kids and I went through. From the otherside of the coin.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks ladies:

 

We didn't "chat" about MM. First, it has and is ALWAYS, ALWAYS about her, I know her very very well and I was not soliciting her support...we happen to all attend the same place of worship. I do not want to go back and forth...thanks...

 

 

You and MM and friend go to the same church? Interesting. What does your church say about your situation, if I may ask?

[me003]

I confided in 3 friends. They each were supporting in different ways. However, they were all single (dating) and I had no issues with them sharing my information with their BF. However, when people are living together or have been dating for a long time, or are married you have to assume that your story has been told to them. Depending on their relationship, i know, but usually committed couples don't keep secrets from each other.

 

I always became afraid to tell any of my married or committed friends because I was afraid that their partner would think that I would forever be every guys OW (mistake 1 time only and not to be repeated).

 

BTW... one of my friends was going through a divorce because her husband was having an affair, she was one of the most supportive friends. She understood me and the reasons I was putting myself through all that pain. She was there for me every step of the way.

[GreenEyedLady]

Just back off the friendship. She doesn't seem like a good friend anyway. Good friends don't rub people's nose in anything.

 

I never had this experience. It was hard for my best friend to hear about my R sometimes (her H left her for another woman) so when I talked to her we talked about other things. I didn't want to rub her nose in it either.

 

It's all about respect. If your friend really respected and valued your friendship she'd be up front and tell you that it's too hard for her to talk about with you. But her own insecurity shouldn't include hurting you.

 

GEL

[bish]

Just back off the friendship. She doesn't seem like a good friend anyway. Good friends don't rub people's nose in anything.

 

I never had this experience. It was hard for my best friend to hear about my R sometimes (her H left her for another woman) so when I talked to her we talked about other things. I didn't want to rub her nose in it either.

 

It's all about respect.

 

 

Huh? we are talking about a cheater and someone that messes around with someone elses husband. Where is the "respect" to begin with?

 

Why should this friend "respect" her disrespectful behavior?

[GreenEyedLady]

Huh? we are talking about a cheater and someone that messes around with someone elses husband. Where is the "respect" to begin with?

 

Why should this friend "respect" her disrespectful behavior?

 

Typical response.

 

I'm not going to even bother.

[precious1357]

Just back off the friendship. She doesn't seem like a good friend anyway. Good friends don't rub people's nose in anything.

 

I never had this experience. It was hard for my best friend to hear about my R sometimes (her H left her for another woman) so when I talked to her we talked about other things. I didn't want to rub her nose in it either.

 

It's all about respect. If your friend really respected and valued your friendship she'd be up front and tell you that it's too hard for her to talk about with you. But her own insecurity shouldn't include hurting you.

 

GEL

 

I have another good friend for over 20 years, who's knows everyone involved, MM, wife and the friend who hurt my feelings. She is a straight to the point, never sugar coating anything kind of person, she never, ever rubbed anything in my face. She listened and even if she doesn't agree, she never hurt my feelings.

[greengoddess]

How many people know about this affair?

You are playing with fire telling so many that know them.

[Owl]

My wife lost many friends as a result of her affair...even though we reconciled.

 

Part of it was that she didn't want to face some of them afterwards.

 

Part of it was that many of them refused to enable her behavior. They told her in no uncertain terms what they thought of the whole situation.

 

Its all "part and parcel" of the choice to be involved in an affair. Some will condone and enable it...others will not. Often losing friendships is a result.

[Ariadne]

she left me a voicemail saying that my guilt was eating me up and I was so miserable and my misery begrudged her marriage!... Anyway, has anyone ever had their friend change on them because of MM?

 

Ah, she is getting married, and as a consequence becoming holy.

 

Seems like she wants to put a distance between you, and probably not want you at the wedding (you are begrudging).

 

Most likely she wants to side up with "honest people," like the wife.

[bish]

Typical response.

 

I'm not going to even bother.

 

Why say anything at all if you don't have an argument?

[bish]

My wife lost many friends as a result of her affair...even though we reconciled.

 

 

I don't doubt it. I know husbands who don't want their wives associating with the town adulteress. Guilt by association and a bad influence.

[GreenEyedLady]

My wife lost many friends as a result of her affair...even though we reconciled.

 

Part of it was that she didn't want to face some of them afterwards.

 

Part of it was that many of them refused to enable her behavior. They told her in no uncertain terms what they thought of the whole situation.

 

Its all "part and parcel" of the choice to be involved in an affair. Some will condone and enable it...others will not. Often losing friendships is a result.

 

I think that there is a distinction between a friend and a true friend. A "friend" (the fair weather kind) only are around when things are going good. A true friend is not an enabler, but a real friend. Someone who makes their views known, but realizes everyone's choices are their own.

 

My best friend has been in my life for over 23 years. And she will always be my friend. No matter my choices, no matter her choices.

 

Now that's the kind of friends people need.

 

Who needs friends who aren't there when you need them?

[bentnotbroken]

I think that there is a distinction between a friend and a true friend. A "friend" (the fair weather kind) only are around when things are going good. A true friend is not an enabler, but a real friend. Someone who makes their views known, but realizes everyone's choices are their own.

 

My best friend has been in my life for over 23 years. And she will always be my friend. No matter my choices, no matter her choices.

 

Now that's the kind of friends people need.

 

Who needs friends who aren't there when you need them?

 

 

GEL so are you saying that a friend should support you even when you are wrong? What kind of friend would I be if I didn't say this is wrong and it bothers me that you don't respect the someone else's marriage? My friends and I tell each other the things we don't want to hear. They love me like that and I them. I will always love my friend and as I said before, if she needs anything, it's her's. If she were in trouble I would drop everything to get to her. I don't want to stand by and watch her get hurt or watch her hurt others. So I am curious what you would expect from a your true friends.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL so are you saying that a friend should support you even when you are wrong? What kind of friend would I be if I didn't say this is wrong and it bothers me that you don't respect the someone else's marriage? My friends and I tell each other the things we don't want to hear. They love me like that and I them. I will always love my friend and as I said before, if she needs anything, it's her's. If she were in trouble I would drop everything to get to her. I don't want to stand by and watch her get hurt or watch her hurt others. So I am curious what you would expect from a your true friends.

 

That's not what I'm saying at all.

 

My BF's H left her for another woman over 5 years ago. I didn't know he was married at the start and so she knew about him from the get go. She was one of the only people who knew the whole truth. And when I found out, she never judged me. She didn't think it was a good idea but she didn't "disown" me either. So we never talked about him unless she brought him up.

 

She knew that things happen, she knew that men do leave but she did tell me to make sure I knew he was the one I wanted. And I think that is the most valuable piece of advice that she gave me. She would always say that things are complicated. And she told me honestly that she would trigger when I would tell her things so we kept in touch but rather from afar.

 

I got what she needed me to get and she got what I needed her to get (if that makes sense) and we respected each other enough and backed off until she felt comfortable.

 

BNB, the last thing that i would ever intend to do is hurt someone. You have no idea the guilt I carried around. I just loved him too much when I found out to say see ya. That was my choice. I can't say I regret it, but I do pay for it now. For now I have one of the best R's that I know of, but so many people want to see us fail or don't think we'll last.

 

We're committed to each other, but so many people scoff at that. I wish that we started out differently, but the past cannot be changed. And we love each other. And I guess in the end, i feel like thats what makes it worth it. To know that I found the love of a lifetime and am lucky enough to realize it.

 

And his XW is doing well. And I wish her the best. It is my hope for her that she finds a man to love her the way she deserves to be loved. She did not deserve to be betrayed, least of all by the man who vowed to love her. I don't know her, but she seems to be a classy woman who has more grace than any other woman I've known or heard of.

 

I think that my best friend knew the kind of person I am (we've known each other 23 years + and we're not old) and that is why she didn't write me off. I know that I come across bitchy and arrogant at times, but I am actually a caring, loving person and i would do anything for the ones I love and even those I don't know. I am not justifying anything, I know I will have to answer my maker for the choices I've made in life. BUt that is between me and my God.

 

I am thankful that for the most part the transition has been smooth for everyone. And I am thankful for my best friend, that she told me her views and did not depart from them. And she neither judged me nor pushed me away from her. She is a remarkable woman and one I am thankful to call my best friend.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

I get what you are saying. I didn't abandon her, I love her with all my heart. I just can't be in her life if she is going to continue on this path. I know the pain the W is feeling. It would be the same if she were on drugs, I wouldn't want to see her destroy herself, but I would be there in if she needs me. Thanks for the answer.

[InaPanic]

When i was having my affair i didn't tell any of my friends because they all loved my husband so much I really feared they would hate me & not want to be my friend due to what i was doing.

 

After it ended & i confessed I did tell some friends. I had one that had been a friend for 12 years basically turn her back on me. Not because she felt like she couldn't understand what i did, she had said she can see how affairs can happen, etc., but because i was becoming tiring to her. She just didn't want to put any effort into being a friend for me when i needed her. On the other hand I had two other friends that were there for me thru the whole ugly mess. One basically had my back no matter what i decided. If i tried to go NC she supported me. If I responded to the contact OM made then she also supported me. The other voiced her opinion more that i needed to cut him out of my life because he was poison but she never acted holier than thou when she knew i was still talking to him. She was also there for me. These two were true friends to me when i needed it & i will never forget them.

 

I do think too many people may be privvy to your personal info, Precious, which would concern me as to how many people they have told.

[Owl]

Sometimes confiding can work out in a positive way though too.

 

When my wife was all set to leave to be with her OM, I reached out to my friends and family for support. Honestly, I figured what would it hurt...she was checked out and ready to go anyway.

 

When she DIDN'T leave, she ended up talking with one of my sisters. Rather than being disowned, she found that my sister had been involved in an EA herself, but had ended it on her own without telling her H.

 

They ended up helping each other...it took the negative situation and provided something positive out of it.

[GPFan]

I get what you are saying. I didn't abandon her, I love her with all my heart. I just can't be in her life if she is going to continue on this path. I know the pain the W is feeling. It would be the same if she were on drugs, I wouldn't want to see her destroy herself, but I would be there in if she needs me. Thanks for the answer.

Sometimes friends have to step back for their own well-being.

 

I have observed this in a case where a woman is being physically abused and allowing her children to be abused too.

 

Her friends rant-and-rave, encourage her to leave, send her information on helping resources, etc. She leaves a couple of times for short periods but goes back.

 

Finally, her friends are exhausted, tapped out and need to step back because the grief and pain of continuing without relief is too much.

 

I can understand how a friend being in a situation which triggers you on a painful incident in your own life would require you to step back for your own well-being.