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The Unamusement Park Ride


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Make it stop. I wanna get off!

 

Not sure the point of this post yet, but am hoping that I'll feel better by not isolating. You have been such an important part of my healing.

 

It's crazy how I alternate between feeling a little bit centered, then go tumbling back into abject despair. It's only been a few days, or a week, or 2 weeks depending when I start counting. My emotional process and withdrawal symptoms are still HUGE and overwhelming.

 

Maybe I'm too impatient. I've been DOING all the right things, but my feelings are still not caught up. But that's how I get. For example, I will diet/exercise diligently for 3-4 days and think I should be done by now. Where are my results? Ugh.

 

YESTERDAY:

I signed the final divorce papers yesterday. This marks the near end of our process--2 weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary (together for 8 total.) I feel nothing but love for my X. We did a great job of exiting gracefully as possible.

 

It was a big step. I wished I'd had my xMM to put his arms around me. I was alone instead. Part of me did realize that even if xMM was there, would he really have supported me? Hmm. He'd have served as a distraction perhaps, at best. It was a futile longing.

 

In the mail, I received some photos I had printed, including ones of my xMM. I ordered them after I broke up with him, but before he turned angry. It triggered me to look at them. I fought the urge to call him. I felt like expressing my frustration at receiving the photos and feeling bad about them now because he's been such a jerk. I didn't contact him.

 

Late night, he sent me 2 emails. They were brutally impersonal. He was sending me links to photos of him on a website, from an event he was at a few weeks ago when we were together. He made a quick note about how they were taken before seeing me that night. My reaction was anger because I didn't want to see MORE photos of him yesterday, and also I really took notice of how impersonal they were. It wasn't any sort of communication TO me at all. What was he hoping to achieve? To hurt me? to make me miss him? What? I fought the urge to reply with the conviction that since those were not REAL letters, they certainly didn't deserve a real response.

 

TODAY:

I sat and did a meditation and healing sesssion. I started to feel better by meditating. Then I spent some time separating myself from him. I looked at what was the gift I was here to give him, and the gift that he was here to give me:

 

I could see that I was there to prevent him from going down a wrong path of cheating, dangerous sex, ruining his marriage, etc. Although I was complicite in some of these things, I had tried not to be. I never agreed to being in an affair. He fell in love with me enough that he might have been motivated to do the right thing of ending his M. He might even have had a fresh start with me. Those were my gifts. But instead, he is choosing to continue the downward spiral. He's hell bent on learning this the hard way.

 

His gifts to me were that he validated the queen/goddess in me. He did adore me like crazy. He made me feel beautiful, fun, and sexy again. After coming out of my sexless marriage, this was good for me. It made me alive again. His words of devotion and (empty) promises of wanting to spend his life with me did elicit a response. I opened my heart. I loved again. That he is unable to fulfill the promise of future gifts, does not take away the experience of what I gained. If I can somehow separate the pain from this, I can keep the gift of opening to love.

 

I felt pretty good afterwards.

 

But then, the roller coaster begins again. I thought about the personal ads that he's running again, and while esoterically I can accept he's on that downward path to hell, I felt hurt again. Used. His ads stated that he wants a woman in the exact terms he used to describe me, but for a long-term PART TIME love affair, marrried women Ok. Clearly, he's not in true love with me. Clearly, he's going to stay married. Clearly, he just wants a woman who'll tolerate being in an affair. Clearly, his life is on a crash course.

 

Although I can see that I was a chance for him to have a fresh start in life (and I thought he was that for me, too) it hurts that he didn't want me that way. He'd rather have a woman who will settle for less. Why does this hurt me? Why?

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Make it stop. I wanna get off!

 

Not sure the point of this post yet, but am hoping that I'll feel better by not isolating. You have been such an important part of my healing.

 

It's crazy how I alternate between feeling a little bit centered, then go tumbling back into abject despair. It's only been a few days, or a week, or 2 weeks depending when I start counting. My emotional process and withdrawal symptoms are still HUGE and overwhelming.

 

Maybe I'm too impatient. I've been DOING all the right things, but my feelings are still not caught up. But that's how I get. For example, I will diet/exercise diligently for 3-4 days and think I should be done by now. Where are my results? Ugh.

 

YESTERDAY:

I signed the final divorce papers yesterday. This marks the near end of our process--2 weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary (together for 8 total.) I feel nothing but love for my X. We did a great job of exiting gracefully as possible.

 

It was a big step. I wished I'd had my xMM to put his arms around me. I was alone instead. Part of me did realize that even if xMM was there, would he really have supported me? Hmm. He'd have served as a distraction perhaps, at best. It was a futile longing.

 

In the mail, I received some photos I had printed, including ones of my xMM. I ordered them after I broke up with him, but before he turned angry. It triggered me to look at them. I fought the urge to call him. I felt like expressing my frustration at receiving the photos and feeling bad about them now because he's been such a jerk. I didn't contact him.

 

Late night, he sent me 2 emails. They were brutally impersonal. He was sending me links to photos of him on a website, from an event he was at a few weeks ago when we were together. He made a quick note about how they were taken before seeing me that night. My reaction was anger because I didn't want to see MORE photos of him yesterday, and also I really took notice of how impersonal they were. It wasn't any sort of communication TO me at all. What was he hoping to achieve? To hurt me? to make me miss him? What? I fought the urge to reply with the conviction that since those were not REAL letters, they certainly didn't deserve a real response.

 

TODAY:

I sat and did a meditation and healing sesssion. I started to feel better by meditating. Then I spent some time separating myself from him. I looked at what was the gift I was here to give him, and the gift that he was here to give me:

 

I could see that I was there to prevent him from going down a wrong path of cheating, dangerous sex, ruining his marriage, etc. Although I was complicite in some of these things, I had tried not to be. I never agreed to being in an affair. He fell in love with me enough that he might have been motivated to do the right thing of ending his M. He might even have had a fresh start with me. Those were my gifts. But instead, he is choosing to continue the downward spiral. He's hell bent on learning this the hard way.

 

His gifts to me were that he validated the queen/goddess in me. He did adore me like crazy. He made me feel beautiful, fun, and sexy again. After coming out of my sexless marriage, this was good for me. It made me alive again. His words of devotion and (empty) promises of wanting to spend his life with me did elicit a response. I opened my heart. I loved again. That he is unable to fulfill the promise of future gifts, does not take away the experience of what I gained. If I can somehow separate the pain from this, I can keep the gift of opening to love.

 

I felt pretty good afterwards.

 

But then, the roller coaster begins again. I thought about the personal ads that he's running again, and while esoterically I can accept he's on that downward path to hell, I felt hurt again. Used. His ads stated that he wants a woman in the exact terms he used to describe me, but for a long-term PART TIME love affair, marrried women Ok. Clearly, he's not in true love with me. Clearly, he's going to stay married. Clearly, he just wants a woman who'll tolerate being in an affair. Clearly, his life is on a crash course.

 

Although I can see that I was a chance for him to have a fresh start in life (and I thought he was that for me, too) it hurts that he didn't want me that way. He'd rather have a woman who will settle for less. Why does this hurt me? Why?

 

WS, it may not feel like it right now, but you ARE on the right track, you are in the process of owning YOUR feelings and ACCEPTING he doesnt feel the same way. This hurts, bad, but you must go through it to come out the other side. You are coming out of the fog. Your thoughts are begining to stabilise. Just the very fact that you have lucid moments - even if they dont last too long, is a great sign.

 

When did you last cry, i mean REALLY cry? Hysterical and unable to breath type crying.

 

Mourn your loss, pain and hurt. Have a really good cry, let it out and you may be surprised, it may help you to keep moving on. Go easy on yaself and HOLD ON. keep posting please.

 

((((((((((H U G S )))))))))))

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xxxheartbrokenxxx
Make it stop. I wanna get off!

 

Not sure the point of this post yet, but am hoping that I'll feel better by not isolating. You have been such an important part of my healing.

 

It's crazy how I alternate between feeling a little bit centered, then go tumbling back into abject despair. It's only been a few days, or a week, or 2 weeks depending when I start counting. My emotional process and withdrawal symptoms are still HUGE and overwhelming.

 

Maybe I'm too impatient. I've been DOING all the right things, but my feelings are still not caught up. But that's how I get. For example, I will diet/exercise diligently for 3-4 days and think I should be done by now. Where are my results? Ugh.

 

YESTERDAY:

I signed the final divorce papers yesterday. This marks the near end of our process--2 weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary (together for 8 total.) I feel nothing but love for my X. We did a great job of exiting gracefully as possible.

 

It was a big step. I wished I'd had my xMM to put his arms around me. I was alone instead. Part of me did realize that even if xMM was there, would he really have supported me? Hmm. He'd have served as a distraction perhaps, at best. It was a futile longing.

 

In the mail, I received some photos I had printed, including ones of my xMM. I ordered them after I broke up with him, but before he turned angry. It triggered me to look at them. I fought the urge to call him. I felt like expressing my frustration at receiving the photos and feeling bad about them now because he's been such a jerk. I didn't contact him.

 

Late night, he sent me 2 emails. They were brutally impersonal. He was sending me links to photos of him on a website, from an event he was at a few weeks ago when we were together. He made a quick note about how they were taken before seeing me that night. My reaction was anger because I didn't want to see MORE photos of him yesterday, and also I really took notice of how impersonal they were. It wasn't any sort of communication TO me at all. What was he hoping to achieve? To hurt me? to make me miss him? What? I fought the urge to reply with the conviction that since those were not REAL letters, they certainly didn't deserve a real response.

 

TODAY:

I sat and did a meditation and healing sesssion. I started to feel better by meditating. Then I spent some time separating myself from him. I looked at what was the gift I was here to give him, and the gift that he was here to give me:

 

I could see that I was there to prevent him from going down a wrong path of cheating, dangerous sex, ruining his marriage, etc. Although I was complicite in some of these things, I had tried not to be. I never agreed to being in an affair. He fell in love with me enough that he might have been motivated to do the right thing of ending his M. He might even have had a fresh start with me. Those were my gifts. But instead, he is choosing to continue the downward spiral. He's hell bent on learning this the hard way.

 

His gifts to me were that he validated the queen/goddess in me. He did adore me like crazy. He made me feel beautiful, fun, and sexy again. After coming out of my sexless marriage, this was good for me. It made me alive again. His words of devotion and (empty) promises of wanting to spend his life with me did elicit a response. I opened my heart. I loved again. That he is unable to fulfill the promise of future gifts, does not take away the experience of what I gained. If I can somehow separate the pain from this, I can keep the gift of opening to love.

 

I felt pretty good afterwards.

 

But then, the roller coaster begins again. I thought about the personal ads that he's running again, and while esoterically I can accept he's on that downward path to hell, I felt hurt again. Used. His ads stated that he wants a woman in the exact terms he used to describe me, but for a long-term PART TIME love affair, marrried women Ok. Clearly, he's not in true love with me. Clearly, he's going to stay married. Clearly, he just wants a woman who'll tolerate being in an affair. Clearly, his life is on a crash course.

 

Although I can see that I was a chance for him to have a fresh start in life (and I thought he was that for me, too) it hurts that he didn't want me that way. He'd rather have a woman who will settle for less. Why does this hurt me? Why?

 

 

Hey there

 

I really admire you for not responding to those emails last night and resisting the urge to call him when the photos arrived. You are really strong, that must have been soooo hard.

We all established in your last few threads that this guy does not sound quite the ticket by his outrageous recent behaviour - this is the real him - abusive, threatening, psycho etc.

I know you are probably thinking about how things used to be though & thats the guy you are still in love with - not his dark side.

You did the right thing by finishing it when he decided to stay in his M, by doing this you have probably saved yourself alot of future heartache.

The fact that he is also on that website - that says it all about his true colors. He obviously just wants to have a woman on the side who will accept the mere crumbs he can give yet still remain in unhappy M. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!

And when he sent you a pic of his dog - WTF?!

Seriously like it has been addressed before this man sounds very unpredictable so keep NC & DO NOT let him anywhere near your house. If you feel in danger make sure you call 911 without delay.

I really feel your pain - I know what its like as Im still feeling very low about my situation but I still want to be there for others on here at the same time. Keep posting on here to let us know the latest, hope you have a better day tomorrow. :)

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Although I can see that I was a chance for him to have a fresh start in life (and I thought he was that for me, too) it hurts that he didn't want me that way. He'd rather have a woman who will settle for less. Why does this hurt me? Why?

 

You are an incredible and strong woman. You are clear about what you want, what you will accept and what you will tolerate. Despite all this you know you are a goddess. And you are mature and grounded not to have responded to any of his emails. Intellectually you have it all together.

 

Sometimes it takes our emotions a little bit of time to catch up. And its hideously painful but as Astra said you need to allow yourself a little bit of time to grieve.

 

Why does it hurt? Because its a disappointment. But as you know so well its not about you. Its about him. You opened his eye. You gave him a chance at something he hadnt even contemplated before - a relationship where he didnt need to compartmentalize i get my emotional and sexual fulfillment from column A and the rest from column B. But that is not his MO. And he wasnt ready to change his life. We know intellectually that people dont leave until they are ready. And the decision to leave can be like quitting smoking. You want to, you mean to, but even tho you know you should for whatever reason you dont. (Im ready for the flames on that one comparing a marriage to smoking but in a bad marriage there isnt always a lot of difference in terms of knowing you need to give it up).

 

But dont confuse that with your worthiness. The why didnt he pick me syndrome. Its his loss. Just looking at the anger its evident that he has a lot of issues to deal with within himself. If this is how he copes what would happen if he had left? How shocked would you have been after that first time when you suddenly saw this side of him? He has a lot of counseling in front of him before he is really ready for the kind of relationship you want.

 

Its massively disappointing and it hurts and its a lot to deal with on top of the divorce. But the universe has given you a gift. You are now free. Your divorce has come through and you are free of the sexless marriage, of MM and you have the chance to move forward unemcumbered.

 

Take good care

 

jj

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Thanks so much!

 

It's baffling how understanding all this on a mental level doesn't do anything to reduce my pain. It's embarassing in a way. I'm crushed to fragments of bone and blood, when logically, I can see that this is all for the best.

 

When was the last time I cried? That is ALL I do. It reminds me of the kind of grief from losing my mom or from when I lost a best friend who died. More rare are those moments when I'm not sobbing.

 

Astra77, thank you for this in particular:

you are in the process of owning YOUR feelings and ACCEPTING he doesnt feel the same way. This hurts, bad, but you must go through it to come out the other side.

That helps give me some persepctive. I think it's just that I'm getting this double-dose of shock still.

 

When I broke up with him 2 weeks ago, I was very heartbroken and mourning the loss of the relationship. Yet that was mitigated by the good feelings I had from acting in integrity, and also the hope that if we took a break now, perhaps someday we'd have another chance. It was hard, but I felt okay about myself.

 

What is killing me know is the disillusionment upon seeing how he has handled the break up. His anger. His twisting the situation around and blaming me. The offensive emails. The personals ads. I'm just so freaking shocked and horrified. Now, instead of feeling good, I feel battered, abused, and like something is wrong with me for trusting him.

 

It's fair to say that I am having trouble accepting the betrayal. This guy was so demonstratively into me. All his talk of "forever" and all those things he said over and over and over again. He made great efforts to convince me to be with him. It all seemed so real. Was it just trickery? That thought horrifies me.

 

I still get little moments of denial, remembering happiness with him. Those are less often now. But when the denial breaks away, I have the most insufferable sadness. Such a deep disappointment at my very core.

 

My grief feels bottomless.

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It hurts because it does.

Meditation is medicine.

Posting is medicine.

Our support is medicine.

 

Your are doing the best treatment available at the right time in your life.

 

You are freeeeee!

 

Hug and kisses, You are amazing. (I have read your other posts).

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LakesideDream

All very "new age" and as you say "esoteric". That's good if it works for you.

 

Seems the guy is just looking for another easy bang to replace what he's lost in you. Not very classy... but not unusual or unforseeable either.

 

You were having an affair with this guy while you were married to another guy, who you still feel nothing but love for (yea right), you are upset that your MM didn't hug and congratulate you at least to your satisfaction.

 

You weren't an "innocent" participant. Embrase your "queen/goddess"... and move on. You will have lots of chances in the future to become involed with more men. Try to pick one who matches your "queen/goddess" better. You last pick turned ot being a "prick/demon".

 

Again, you are a grown up "queen/goddess".... suck it up and move ahead.

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LakesideDream,

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting so.

 

Unfortunately, there seem to be no hope for your case and we are stuck with your decaying smell.

 

But, will bear it......What else is new?

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All very "new age" and as you say "esoteric". That's good if it works for you.

 

Seems the guy is just looking for another easy bang to replace what he's lost in you. Not very classy... but not unusual or unforseeable either.

 

You were having an affair with this guy while you were married to another guy, who you still feel nothing but love for (yea right), you are upset that your MM didn't hug and congratulate you at least to your satisfaction.

 

You weren't an "innocent" participant. Embrase your "queen/goddess"... and move on. You will have lots of chances in the future to become involed with more men. Try to pick one who matches your "queen/goddess" better. You last pick turned ot being a "prick/demon".

 

Again, you are a grown up "queen/goddess".... suck it up and move ahead.

I knew after I posted that it could have been more clear.

 

I did not cheat on my husband. 2 years ago, I started the separation process with him. We went to therapy. May 2007, I fully moved out and we officially declared that we were separated and definitely getting a divorce. We really handled it well.

 

So while the ink on our divorce papers is drying as we speak, I didn't start dating again until my XH and I were already officially done.

 

Also for the record: I never ever dated a married or otherwise involved person before. Never. One explanation is that this guy was such a great exception. Another explanation is that I had a backwards regression.

 

Oh, and btw, my xMM was supposedly in the separation process. A lot of that is debateable, hence my breaking up with him.

 

But at this point, I don't want to defend my morals all that much, lest I offend the other people here. I don't judge anyone here. Far from it. I think everyone is amazing. I'm deeply grateful to the support I've received here. It's saved me while I sort out this mess.

 

LakesideDream, I'm disappointed that you chose to be purposefully annoying with your use of quotation marks. I rather liked you before. Although I've made a mistake by getting involved with a MM, I'm rather conservative on these matters. Hence, I don't get upset by tough comments. I will take it gracefully. But I don't like the tone of this post. I think you're out of line. It's up to you whether you can take this feedback gracefully or not. I'm game towards getting along if you are though.

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LakesideDream
I knew after I posted that it could have been more clear.

 

I did not cheat on my husband. 2 years ago, I started the separation process with him. We went to therapy. May 2007, I fully moved out and we officially declared that we were separated and definitely getting a divorce. We really handled it well.

 

So while the ink on our divorce papers is drying as we speak, I didn't start dating again until my XH and I were already officially done.

 

Also for the record: I never ever dated a married or otherwise involved person before. Never. One explanation is that this guy was such a great exception. Another explanation is that I had a backwards regression.

 

Oh, and btw, my xMM was supposedly in the separation process. A lot of that is debateable, hence my breaking up with him.

 

But at this point, I don't want to defend my morals all that much, lest I offend the other people here. I don't judge anyone here. Far from it. I think everyone is amazing. I'm deeply grateful to the support I've received here. It's saved me while I sort out this mess.

 

LakesideDream, I'm disappointed that you chose to be purposefully annoying with your use of quotation marks. I rather liked you before. Although I've made a mistake by getting involved with a MM, I'm rather conservative on these matters. Hence, I don't get upset by tough comments. I will take it gracefully. But I don't like the tone of this post. I think you're out of line. It's up to you whether you can take this feedback gracefully or not. I'm game towards getting along if you are though.

 

 

Sorry if you were offended, I meant to draw attention to your words, which I find a little unusual. Personally I have never known a man who willingly celebrated a woman's queen/goddess (no quotation marks in respect for your sensibilities)... but I'm a geezer. Maybe I need to get out more.

 

And, I'm glad that you did have "clean hands", it certainly wasn't clear in your post that you were not stepping out on your husband (as you acknowledged). That makes a BIG difference in the situation.

 

In any case, it appears to me that you are giving your xMM way to much power. Kick him to the curb and be done with it. You have a lot going for you, use it.

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Sorry if you were offended, I meant to draw attention to your words, which I find a little unusual.

*wipes the slate clean and give the "geezer" a peck on the cheek and a smile*

 

Thank you, LD. Thank you.

 

PS: I'm from California. Hope that give you insight into my vernacular. And I don't mind if that makes you giggle. :)

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You knew that it would be hard and you are handling it like a champ. I am glad that meditation is helping in the process.

I have not tried meditation, but rather talk to my close friends and post on here.

 

I am waiting until the moment that I can have a private conversation with you. You seen to have a clear head when you give advice and I look forward to any advice you can give me.

 

Keep up your efforts and just try not to read any text or emails, just put them in the trash and start doing hot yoga. I heard that in just one session you can loose stress and about 2 lbs. a win win situation;)

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I am waiting until the moment that I can have a private conversation with you.

 

...and start doing hot yoga. I heard that in just one session you can loose stress and about 2 lbs. a win win situation;)

I've been wondering how many posts it takes to get PM priveleges. The part of the FAQ I read didn't say.

 

Heh...I was sarcastically thinking how I just lost 185 pounds. ;)

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I've been wondering how many posts it takes to get PM priveleges.

 

In your case, PM's will come on or shortly after August 28.

 

I have no cogent opinion on your circumstance but do wish you well. I think you'll find that time away from men right now will be really healthy :)

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In your case, PM's will come on or shortly after August 28.

 

I have no cogent opinion on your circumstance but do wish you well. I think you'll find that time away from men right now will be really healthy :)

Thank you carhill!

 

Oh yeah. I'm sooo not ready to date. Before I met this guy, I was doing a nice job of dating very light. Met some nice guys. Good experiences after taking a +year off for separation from my marriage. But this one really has set me back in a lot of ways. Need to heal up. You're absolutely right.

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Hi wildsoul. I just wanted to thank you for posting here and sharing your experience with us. I have been here for a long time. I take hiatuses (hiati?? lol) because what I read here can be so depressing. People stuck in their own misery and not doing a thing to help themselves, just looking for people to hold their hands and lashing out at the people who try to help. But you are a ray of sunshine. I am happy you have done some deep soul searching. I think you are very strong and wise. I wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing!

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Hi wildsoul. I just wanted to thank you for posting here and sharing your experience with us. I have been here for a long time. I take hiatuses (hiati?? lol) because what I read here can be so depressing. People stuck in their own misery and not doing a thing to help themselves, just looking for people to hold their hands and lashing out at the people who try to help. But you are a ray of sunshine. I am happy you have done some deep soul searching. I think you are very strong and wise. I wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing!

Thank you. Your kind words are making me cry a little bit. I've been feeling so bad. I'm usually a leader-type, but this whole mess has me on the floor in tears. What you said makes me feel good. You're reminding me that maybe I'm not as bad a trainwreck as it feels. Thank you. Thank you.

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Thanks so much!

 

It's baffling how understanding all this on a mental level doesn't do anything to reduce my pain. It's embarassing in a way. I'm crushed to fragments of bone and blood, when logically, I can see that this is all for the best.

 

When was the last time I cried? That is ALL I do. It reminds me of the kind of grief from losing my mom or from when I lost a best friend who died. More rare are those moments when I'm not sobbing.

 

Astra77, thank you for this in particular:

 

That helps give me some persepctive. I think it's just that I'm getting this double-dose of shock still.

 

When I broke up with him 2 weeks ago, I was very heartbroken and mourning the loss of the relationship. Yet that was mitigated by the good feelings I had from acting in integrity, and also the hope that if we took a break now, perhaps someday we'd have another chance. It was hard, but I felt okay about myself.

 

What is killing me know is the disillusionment upon seeing how he has handled the break up. His anger. His twisting the situation around and blaming me. The offensive emails. The personals ads. I'm just so freaking shocked and horrified. Now, instead of feeling good, I feel battered, abused, and like something is wrong with me for trusting him.

 

It's fair to say that I am having trouble accepting the betrayal. This guy was so demonstratively into me. All his talk of "forever" and all those things he said over and over and over again. He made great efforts to convince me to be with him. It all seemed so real. Was it just trickery? That thought horrifies me.

 

I still get little moments of denial, remembering happiness with him. Those are less often now. But when the denial breaks away, I have the most insufferable sadness. Such a deep disappointment at my very core.

 

My grief feels bottomless.

 

WS - This was me not long ago, my god i know how you feel, i felt the same huny, i really did. My xmm hasn't tried to pick my wound yet, still waiting for that little treat :sick: i am so sory your xmm is doing this. His picking of your open wound before it has time to heal and it is disgraceful.

 

the last phone conversation i had with my xmm about 2 months ago (not keeping count) was an eye opener for me - i was shocked aswell, it felt like he had just punched me in the guts with his words. He sounded like his w. Scary. As angry and as nasty as he was to me, when i told him "i knew you never loved me and that i was just a side dish, he spat back at me "now ya just talking bull****" and it threw me for a six. still cant work that one out

 

i still have moments of denial too, but no so often now, just hold on tight WS.

 

Weight loss sure seems to be a common thread to A's. Im in australia and im not sure of the conversion to pounds but i have lost about 20 kilograms

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20 kg? Thats 44 pounds. That is a lot of weight. Was it intentional or was it due to stress. I have lost 10 in the past 3 weeks but I have been eating like a bird. I gain weight when I am stressed (comfort eating).

 

Either way the body picks up the stress one way or another.

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Thank you. Your kind words are making me cry a little bit. I've been feeling so bad. I'm usually a leader-type, but this whole mess has me on the floor in tears. What you said makes me feel good. You're reminding me that maybe I'm not as bad a trainwreck as it feels. Thank you. Thank you.

 

 

A trainwreck??!!!

 

I think you couldn't be further from being a trainwreck! I have no experience of what you've been through, but that's one reason I read these boards, to see what life can throw at other people, and what can be learned from it.

 

You are so incredibly strong! You are doing everything right, I'm sure you will start feeling better soon. You should be so proud of yourself! I hope you are!

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SnowWhite924

WildSoul, my heart goes out to you. You are on the right path. Stay strong. Your determination will see you through. Definately keep posting. It's a great outlet and there are great people here to support you.

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"I signed the final divorce papers yesterday. This marks the near end of our process--2 weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary (together for 8 total.) I feel nothing but love for my X. We did a great job of exiting gracefully as possible. "- CONGRATS!!! - THIS IS VERY VERY TOUGH AND YOU ARE VERY STRONG TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!!- i feel the same towards my X and we have been together just as long and married the same amount of years. i let go of any anger and resentment towards him a long time ago also.

 

"It was a big step. I wished I'd had my xMM to put his arms around me. I was alone instead. Part of me did realize that even if xMM was there, would he really have supported me? Hmm. He'd have served as a distraction perhaps, at best. It was a futile longing.

"- YEP - that is why i am making sure not to include my guy in anything involved with the divorce. i know i have to realize that he cannot be my reason OR my crutch and i can't expect him to fill that role or help me through it (although he does a great job of supporting me in very subtle ways - he's been through it also so he understands exactly what i am going through and we handle it very well with lots of patience) .

 

i REALLY think it is better he is not there for that because it is something that we have to go through on our own - we have to mourn it, feel it, go through all the emotions of it, and realize that we have the stregnth to do that and we would not be able to do that if someone was there picking up the pieces - REALLY i think it is better that way no questioning if the other guy is the reason for it or if he clouded our judgement where it is concerned.... you can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it, you have to go THROUGH it.

 

and CONGRATS on being able to take the good from your relationship with xmm - very healthy and this is the part that will help you learn and grow.

 

chin up - your doing great woman!!! i draw strength and wisdom from you.

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20 kg? Thats 44 pounds. That is a lot of weight. Was it intentional or was it due to stress. I have lost 10 in the past 3 weeks but I have been eating like a bird. I gain weight when I am stressed (comfort eating).

 

Either way the body picks up the stress one way or another.

That was a little joke. My xMM weighed 185 pounds, and I lost him. ;)

 

I am also one of those people who gain weight when stressed because I want to eat more. It sucks because I could stand to lose 15 pounds. Getting back into my skinny jeans would feel great. I've got no energy for working out and eating light though.

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SnowWhite924

I tend to be an emotional eater too! But I'm thinking, I rather exercise and look and feel good than to give in to my emotions (because of him!). Let's get healthy together for our sake.:D

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