Normal or Not?

[Lonely Lover]

My MM (we’ve been together for 4 years) insists that we are exclusive. He hasn’t slept with his wife for over 2 years (don’t ask how I know this, but I do), and he expects me to be faithful to him. I agreed to it, but the first 2 ½ years we were together I cheated on him with several guys. I know it was wrong, but it felt so nice to go out with men who were all mine. He always found out about the other men. Now, he doesn’t trust me—he’s worried about me cheating on him again. He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me. What can I do with this? Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce? What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine? Are most of you faithful to your MM? Or do you pursue other relationships when they present themselves?

 

Since I’ve betrayed him so many times, it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him. Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce. He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him. He’s said several times that he wants to know that he is loved unconditionally. He says that if I really cared for him, I’d give him the time he needs to sort through his life without ultimatums or pressure. I can see his point, but it seems like that level of love and commitment should come when we are free to explore our love without shame. Am I wrong?

 

Whenever I do pressure him (I have "that" talk with him every other month or so), he complains that I’m only worried about myself—that I’m like his wife in that we both only care what he can do to make us happy. He has 2 girls, and is worried that I’ll always care more about my own happiness than the happiness of him and his daughters. I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to be with this man. I’m sure you’ll understand when I say I’ve spent so many Christmases, vacations, and birthdays alone. I feel like I’ve shown him immense love, just by being so intimate with him, and then watching him go home to his wife and girls. To be with him, I’d give up my goals of earning a PhD. I’d stay in this town with him for the next 14 years, until his girls are grown. I don’t feel resentful about this—I would never want to pull him away from his daughters. Is this really not enough? What am I not doing?

 

Also, he expects me to appreciate how much time he manages to spend with me. I know he gives me way more time than most OW get—we spend almost every evening together, get lunch once a week, call each other all the time…. I recognize that this is more time than most husbands give their wives. But it still doesn’t seem like enough—I want the real commitment so badly, nothing else really satisfies me. This really hurts his feelings. Should I be more grateful for what he feels comfortable giving me?

 

I can’t wait to hear what you think. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about these things before, for obvious reasons. I’m so grateful I found this site, to get honest, nonjudgmental opinions from other people in similar situations, and to hear their stories. Thank you. BTW, if you want any more details about our relationship before answering my questions, I made a post yesterday telling our story.

[whichwayisup]

(don’t ask how I know this, but I do)

 

Sorry, but I'm asking. You only have his word to go on and it's not like you have tunnel vision into their house, in their bedroom behind closed doors.

 

and he expects me to be faithful to him.

 

How's that? Funny coming from someone who has a wife..You can do whatever you please, date other men, sleep with other men, you don't owe him a thing unless he leaves his wife and that ain't gonna happen. Even if he trusts you - HE isn't gonna leave.

 

So, you've had a 4 year affair with this guy, he's told you some bullcrap line that he'll leave his wife when he trusts you. WTF. Aren't you mad? If not, GET mad and get away from him!

 

This guy has two daughters and from what you've said, he won't give them up, let alone his life to be with you, so don't you put your life on hold for him!! You're too young to do this and you're just starting out! Give up a PHD for this MM? You're nuts if you do that...You'll be wasting away your precious life.

 

Seriously, I don't mean this cruely, but talk to your family and friends, even seek counselling to help you get OUT of this situation.

[OWoman]

My MM (we’ve been together for 4 years) insists that we are exclusive. He hasn’t slept with his wife for over 2 years (don’t ask how I know this, but I do), and he expects me to be faithful to him. I agreed to it, but the first 2 ½ years we were together I cheated on him with several guys. I know it was wrong, but it felt so nice to go out with men who were all mine. He always found out about the other men. Now, he doesn’t trust me—he’s worried about me cheating on him again. He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me. What can I do with this? Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce? What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine? Are most of you faithful to your MM? Or do you pursue other relationships when they present themselves?

 

I've had many As with MMs and the agreement with all of those was that they were part-time, non-exclusive with no expectations on both sides. I don't go with unbalanced Rs.

 

In my current R, MM had also ceased sexual activity with his W. He became physically unable to become sexually aroused in her presence. I stopped being attracted to other guys and we become exclusive. It wasn't planned, it just happened that way.

 

Since I’ve betrayed him so many times, it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him. Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce. He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him. He’s said several times that he wants to know that he is loved unconditionally. He says that if I really cared for him, I’d give him the time he needs to sort through his life without ultimatums or pressure. I can see his point

 

I can't. He's making his problem - that he's M - yours (that you're wanting some parity). He's asking you to go out on a limb to "prove" yourself while he feels he has nothing to prove. Why should this all be about you proving yourself to him? What has he done to prove himself to you? He's still M, and living with his family.

 

So he spends some time with you. Big deal. There OWs here who've had far more from their MMs, and still not found that enough, until the MMs have left. There is no objective standard against which you can measure whether he's being generous or not in the A - the only measure is whether you feel you're getting a good deal or not. And it doesn't sound as if you think you are.

 

Why would you give up you future for him? What is he giving up for you?

[bentnotbroken]

Unless you are the bed or the pillow, you don't know who he is sleeping with and to say otherwise shows your gullibility. And as far as you cheating on him, how the heck do you cheat on someone else's H? Is that even possible? He has the audacity to say he doesn't trust you, what makes him the czar of honesty? WWIU, you said it all.

[Adunaphel]

Hello, Lonely Lover,

 

I understand - up to a point - your MM's feelings and I see very well why he has trust issues. While I agree with other posters that you have every right to date other guys, and that you do not owe him exclusivity, I think you should have either refused to be exclusive or stuck to your word.

Even if you did not technically cheated on him, lies are still lies, and it sounds like you dated the other guys behind his back. No wonder he is worried!

 

Said that, I do not really symphatize with him. Not one bit.

 

He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me.

What can I do with this? Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce?

Even if his feelings were legitimate, he should not use them as an excuse.

 

What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine? Are most of you faithful to your MM? Or do you pursue other relationships when they present themselves?

 

I agreed to be exclusive, but if I ever get the feeling he lied to me or that he is temporizing *too much*, I am out of the relationship and 'on the market'. (Or so I like to think.)

 

Since I’ve betrayed him so many times, it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him.

 

He should climb at least a little anthill for you before he asks you to grab your alpinist gear and climb a mountain for him, shouldn't he?

What has he actually done to be together with you?

Is he separated? Does his W know about you? Is he doing anything to move out?

 

Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce.

Like you have been confortable being the OW

 

He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him.

Do you realize he is acting like *he* is the single one?

He’s said several times that he wants to know that he is loved unconditionally.

Too bad you are not a dog, you a are a person.

 

He says that if I really cared for him, I’d give him the time he needs to sort through his life without ultimatums or pressure. I can see his point, but it seems like that level of love and commitment should come when we are free to explore our love without shame. Am I wrong?

Not at all. 4 years is quite a lot of time.

 

He has 2 girls, and is worried that I’ll always care more about my own happiness than the happiness of him and his daughters.

This statement sounds wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you put his happiness before yours who does he think he is going to care about YOUR happiness?

 

I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to be with this man. I’m sure you’ll understand when I say I’ve spent so many Christmases, vacations, and birthdays alone. I feel like I’ve shown him immense love, just by being so intimate with him, and then watching him go home to his wife and girls. To be with him, I’d give up my goals of earning a PhD. I’d stay in this town with him for the next 14 years, until his girls are grown. I don’t feel resentful about this—I would never want to pull him away from his daughters. Is this really not enough? What am I not doing?

Please stop asking yourself what you should do, and ask yourself what he is doing for you. Your relationship would sound very, very, very far from balanced even if he was single.

 

Also, he expects me to appreciate how much time he manages to spend with me.

Well, it's the same amount of time you spend with him.

While when you are not together you are missing out a lot more opportunities than he does, since he already has a family, he already has children, and he already has a "safe haven" (I truly hope his W is aware that he is seeing another woman).

 

I know he gives me way more time than most OW get—we spend almost every evening together, get lunch once a week, call each other all the time…. I recognize that this is more time than most husbands give their wives. But it still doesn’t seem like enough—I want the real commitment so badly, nothing else really satisfies me. This really hurts his feelings. Should I be more grateful for what he feels comfortable giving me?

No way. Start asking yourself whether what you are getting from him is a lot or is just....crumbs.

[Lizzie60]

What an idiot this guy is.. really...

 

If he wants exclusivity tell him to divorce.. period..

 

All the MMs I've been with.. and still am.. KNOWS that I will not be exclusive... I sleep with other guys.. if they don't like it..that's their problem..

 

They have someone in their life.. even if they say, they don't sleep with them (ha-hem)... they still have someone..

 

You cheated on him.. good for you.. you don't owe him your life.. your freedom.. you owe him sweet nothing.

 

 

He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me. What can I do with this?

 

What a bunch of crap.. and you believe this moron!!! Too bad so sad for him.. just tell him straight up that if he wants you to be faithful, he needs to divorce otherwise he can get lost.

 

Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce?

 

Probably excuses..

 

What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine?

 

Tell him to get a divorce otherwise you owe him nothing..

 

Are most of you faithful to your MM? Or do you pursue other relationships when they present themselves?

 

Of course... They all know that I do NOT want a relationship and they are not the only ones..

[Tripper]

I agree with the other posters and can't add much except to say that his demands and the whole relationship is very unbalanced in his favour and IMHO dysfunctional.

 

Until he can give himself to you 100% you are not obligated to give him 100%. If you choose to continue the A then make it clear to him you are going to live your own life. And certainly don't give up reading for a doctorate for him.

[Curmudgeon]

To be with him, I’d give up my goals of earning a PhD. I’d stay in this town with him for the next 14 years, until his girls are grown. I don’t feel resentful about this—I would never want to pull him away from his daughters. Is this really not enough? What am I not doing?

 

You'd give up your goal of earning a Ph.D. yet it doesn't even take a high school diploma to figure out that HE'S NOT LEAVING! What incentive does he have to do so? he's got it all -- home, wife, children and some on the side when he wants it.

 

What you're not doing is taking care orf you and ensuring that you have a stable future with someone who loves and values you. Worse, you're not insisting that you, your life and your future are respected. But I can understand why. You don't respect yourself either. If you did, he'd have been history well over a year ago, if not before any of this ever began.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159546/

 

I just re-read your other thread again.

 

Honestly, you are going to be wasting your life waiting for him.

 

Do your parents, other family and friends know about your affair with the MM? This guy is 20 years older than you, that in itself is going to be hard enough for your folks to digest, let alone the fact you two have been together for 4 years!

 

Again, I'd love to know how you know 100% that he and his wife don't sleep in the same room, let alone have sex..

[Taramere]

My MM (we’ve been together for 4 years) insists that we are exclusive. He hasn’t slept with his wife for over 2 years (don’t ask how I know this, but I do), and he expects me to be faithful to him. I agreed to it, but the first 2 ½ years we were together I cheated on him with several guys. I know it was wrong, but it felt so nice to go out with men who were all mine. He always found out about the other men. Now, he doesn’t trust me—he’s worried about me cheating on him again. He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me. What can I do with this? Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce? What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine? Are most of you faithful to your MM? Or do you pursue other relationships when they present themselves?

 

Since I’ve betrayed him so many times, it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him. Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce. He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him. He’s said several times that he wants to know that he is loved unconditionally. He says that if I really cared for him, I’d give him the time he needs to sort through his life without ultimatums or pressure.

 

I haven't been in an OW situation, so I can't comment from that perspective. It sounds as if he wields power that derives from two main sources.

 

1. He has an option that you don't have. The option of family life - exercised by remaining in the matrimonial home. Under current terms, that's not an option you're permitted to pursue with any other man. If you do, presumably he will stop dangling the "I might leave my wife and set up home with you one day" carrot in front of you. And if sounds as if that's something you don't feel you could handle. So him having that family life option that you don't have (because of restrictions on your lifestyle that you've permitted him to impose) remains the status quo.

 

2. In the first 2 1/2 years of the relationship, you slept with other men. It seems to me that he's grabbed this as a weapon to beat you with whenever you show signs of disobedience. He's given you the message that because of the other men, he regards you as untrustworthy. It's almost like an Old Testament situation. You are a sinner. You must spend the rest of your life repenting by giving God (your MM) unconditional trust and devotion if you are to have any chance of getting to heaven (having him commit fully to you).

 

I'm sure there are all kinds of nuances and positive aspects of the relationship that keep you emotionally invested in it. I don't suppose anybody would give up so many options and permit another person to hold so much power over them unless there were some very clear benefits. But ultimately you are in a situation where you must continue to prove that you're fully committed to him while he responds with nothing more than the status quo and a carrot of hope. Why would he ever give up the power he currently holds over you? What would be in it for him?

 

I can't see how this would ever progress without you taking some power of your own by way of an ultimatum. With an ultimatum you risk losing this whole situation, but without one it looks as though you'll remain in it for ever. Or until he tires of you - and remember, there are no guarantees in life. There's no guarantee that regardless of all your efforts to be "trustworthy" he won't get bored and ditch you. Possibly doing so right about the time all your other options have run out.

 

I hope you take back a bit of power for yourself, because love does not always conquer all - and it would be terribly sad if you sacrificed everything for nothing.

[whichwayisup]

So, this MM thinks it's OK to cheat on his own wife, betray his whole family, but it isn't OK for his OW to sleep with or date other guys. Hmmmmmm..

[bentnotbroken]

Why would you expect the truth from a man lying to his family. And why would you waste 14 more years on a man who isn't yours. Do you know how much time you have left on this earth? And if you don't know, why would you waste it whatever you have on a piece of steaming crap? Get real and move on with a productive life with someone who isn't married and has some type of standard in life. One that he doesn't just hold others to, but himself as well.

 

He is the kind who would be pissed if his wife cheated on him and wonder why she did it.

[Lonely Lover]

I suppose I don’t know that they aren’t sleeping together, any more than anyone *knows* her significant other is faithful. But I’ve been in their house several times when his wife was on vacation, and have seen their rooms. And he’s said if I need proof, I could stop by unannounced and I’ll always see him alone in his bed (no, I’ve never done that—I’m not that out of control). I know, it sounds gullible to me, too. But for the sake of argument, I’m still going to assume my view of the situation is right.

 

My parents and a few friends know about the affair. All of them hate it, but nobody really tries to talk me out of it anymore. And if they do, it’s always from the morality standpoint (ie is immoral to sleep with another woman’s husband) rather than from concern about my happiness. Even my counselor thought I needed to “wait it out” and see if my MM would leave this summer. No kidding. But maybe that just means I need a different shrink. I am angry—I’d never let anyone else treat me this way—but his excuses seem so reasonable, and I have such a hard time imagining life without him.

 

However, I thought more people would share Adunephel’s point of view. I did promise that I would be faithful, only to break that promise several times. Most of you made some mention of an agreement in your relationships that you wouldn’t be faithful. I told him that I would be. You really don’t think he has a leg to stand on with that?

 

His wife found out about us, but she thinks it lasted only a year, and she thinks we ended it last year. I know she’s having an affair too—I saw her out with a man about a year ago. My MM knows about it too, and doesn’t seem to care much. Their marriage really is one of convenience.

 

I appreciate all the “tough love” from everyone here. I always felt like what he was giving me wasn’t enough…but I let him convince me that I was asking for too much. Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought….

 

I have to say, hearing EVERYONE here give the same advice speaks pretty loudly…. I think this was the wakeup call I’ve needed for so long. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.

 

You misunderstood me though, “Bent.” I’d only agree to live in this town for longer than a couple years as his wife, not mistress. I’m debating about spending another couple of years getting my masters degree here (that’s the highest I can go in my field without leaving the state), in hopes that he’ll get his **** together and end his marriage.

[Curmudgeon]

...in hopes that he’ll get his **** together and end his marriage.

 

Yessiree! Gonna leave his wife and children. Gonna end his marriage. Gonna be with you fulltime. May even marry you. Gonna cheat on you just like he's done his wife. You gonna cheat on him.

 

With your education, how is it that you appear to have trouble spelling and understanding d-y-s-f-u-n-c-t-i-o-n?

[Adunaphel]

However, I thought more people would share Adunephel’s point of view. I did promise that I would be faithful, only to break that promise several times. Most of you made some mention of an agreement in your relationships that you wouldn’t be faithful. I told him that I would be. You really don’t think he has a leg to stand on with that?

 

I forgot to add in my post that he could have chosen to consider the fact that you dated other guys a wake-up call. He chose to hold it against you and use it against you instead.

If it was a deal breaker, he should have ended the affair right away. Not (again) use it an excuse to string you along for at least a couple more years.

I could understand if he was paranoid about you seeing other people (no sympathy for him, though, considered that it is 4 years you are waiting for him). It would be understandable if he sought constant rassicuration from you. But strumentalizing the fact you "cheated" to get all he can from you and use you feeling not guilty, while giving you as less as possible? no way.

 

It is great to know you are seriously thinking about the whole situation and that opening a thread on LS was useful to you.

[bentnotbroken]

The moral standpoint as you put it, is one that says you won't get hurt by this man if you were not involved with him. I am still trying to wrap my mind around you being in his wife's house. How would you feel if a woman did that to you.

 

You have invaded her privacy, her sanctuary. That is as much a violation as messing with her H. What is going on in your brain? That is the home that she shares with her children. Where their memories are made. How would you feel if someone did that to your home? That is so wrong on so many levels.

 

You talk about people caring for your happiness, what about the happiness of his children? Shouldn't you care about that? The things that you are doing to his wife and kids are going to come back to you and yours. You can deny that will happen, but that doesn't mean it won't.

 

What would you do if someone was doing that to you and your child? Or if you child comes to you one day and says, "Mom this person is involved with my spouse and I am hurting so badly, what do I do?"

 

You spoke of his wife having an affair, what business is that of yours? Maybe she is doing it because of you(no she shouldn't be screwing around either, they both are scummy)and just because someone else does something wrong, that gives you permission to follow suit? Why not rob a bank then? Use your brain and grow some standards. That will serve you better in life than having sex with a MM.

[LucreziaBorgia]

it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him. Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce. He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him.

 

That's not one you see too often. MM made it your responsibility for his divorce, and made it on his terms. You could do pretty much anything at this point and it will never be "enough". He doesn't really want you to sweep him off his feet. He wants you to continue to think that the reason he isn't divorcing is your fault, and for you to continue to bust your ass trying to please him while he continues to stay married.

 

If his W decides to divorce him, you may end up with him but if she doesn't then you can expect to continue what you are doing: working your tail off and wasting years of your life trying to prove that you are "enough" for a man who only wants you part time.

[silktricks]

I agreed to it, but the first 2 ½ years we were together I cheated on him with several guys. I know it was wrong, but it felt so nice to go out with men who were all mine. He always found out about the other men.

 

it was wrong to say you'd do something and then do something different... but it was wrong of him to demand this from you in the first place. It doesn't matter if he is truly sleeping with his wife, or not, the face he shows the world is that of being a husband - with all that entails - and not your husband. He has no right to expect exclusivity from you when he does not give it to you.

 

 

Now, he doesn’t trust me—he’s worried about me cheating on him again. He says he can’t leave his wife until he really trusts me. What can I do with this? Are his feelings valid, or are they just excuses not to get a divorce? What can I do to prove to him that I could be faithful to him if only he were mine?

 

You can't. No one can. Not ever. Love isn't about proof, it's about love and hope and commitment and faith. You can spend years and years "proving" that you are faithful - and to what end? The very next day you could do something that could upset the apple cart. No one can "prove" what their future actions will be. But that isn't the point anyway. He is demanding something from you that he has no right to demand - not when he is married to another woman.

 

 

it’s his attitude that I have a lot of mountains to climb before I can prove myself to him. Until then, he says he isn’t comfortable getting a divorce. He says he wants me to sweep him off his feet, to really knock him down with how much I love him.

you have to climb mountains? What does he have to do, pray tell? You're supposed to knock him down with your love? This man is so unbelievable. He's managed to convince you (the unmarried one) that you are somehow not good enough for him (the married one). He isn't comfortable getting a divorce? What about your comfort????

 

He’s said several times that he wants to know that he is loved unconditionally. He says that if I really cared for him, I’d give him the time he needs to sort through his life without ultimatums or pressure.

The concept of unconditional love is well and good, but he apparently can't do it himself, can he? If he could, he'd still love his wife (remember he already promised to love her - but apparently he couldn't - somewhat conditional there - right?) Now he wants you to love him unconditionally - while he's placing conditions on his love for you!

 

—I want the real commitment so badly, nothing else really satisfies me. This really hurts his feelings. Should I be more grateful for what he feels comfortable giving me?

 

Grateful for what? And HIS feelings are hurt? What about yours? Does he give a scrap for your feelings?

 

This man is NOT being kind to you. If he can treat you this way now, can you IMAGINE how he'd treat you if you were actually married??? It rarely improves!

[torranceshipman]

LOL!!!

 

What is wrong with this picture...a MARRIED MAN who has KIDS AT HOME wants you to sweep him off his feet so much that he will get a divorce?!?

 

Are you insane? Sheesh, the guy is too much! This is clown at the circus level ridiculous, seriously. What a joke of a man. He is feeding you bullcrap that noone could take seriously.I am sure he has charmed the pants off of you and is doing everything he can to charm you into staying with him but CMON woman. This is so stupid...he clearly doesnt love or respect you and is 100% gameplaying...he sounds like he's mentally at freshman frat boy level (sorry to any frat boy freshmen reading this, lol,don't mean to generalize!).

 

And that statement about dropping into his marital home to prove that him and his W are not sharing a room....okay, erm, cast iron proof there. NOT! That is nuts. He knows 100% you will never be that insane and I would willingly stake my life on the fact that he sleeps with his W EVERY single night and probably has a good sexlife with her. And if she has an A, believe me, a man like that would go NUTS so whatever the backstory thee...he's lying to you about that as well.

 

This guy also brings you into the home he shares with his family - oh lord what a Class A Sleazebag. He is blatantly not interested in getting a D or being with you, but you do represent a brilliant gameplay and a chance to control someone 100% - what an ego boost to have a pretty young girl turn herself into a real doormat/desperate to please/at his beckand call regardless of what crap he tells you. You are 100% BETTER than this...this is definitely a toughlove post btw, not a flaming one - you are young and have a great life ahead of you so go get that Mastes or that PhD, have a great life...start it by dumping the sad loser. NC is the way to go here. In years to come you'll look back and think my God, cant believe I fell for that (but many people do and you're not alone...the trick is to be strong enough to leave).

[Lonely Lover]

I should’ve listened to this advice years ago. I knew better—really I did—but I didn’t want to believe in common sense. I chose to believe that the things he “required” of me were reasonable, but I always knew they weren’t. It started so normally, and then kept building up month by month. I chose to pretend it wasn’t that bad. Ugh. I’m so ashamed of how I’ve lived my life the past few years. If somebody had told me four years ago that I’d be in this situation, I never would've believed it. I used to feel like a good, smart person. Not so much any more. You’re right (of course) BNB. It was 100% wrong to go into their house. I hated it, I knew it was wrong. I knew better! But I did it anyway, and I do worry that karma will come right back to me.

 

I am more than enough for this guy. Too good for this crappy situation. Or at least I was, before I let myself get into this. And with some time to heal and get my morals readjusted, I will be again.

 

I'm ending it with him tonight. It has to be done, regardless of the **** he tells me. I wish someone else could listen to him, though—he sounds so believable, so authentic. I’ve never been so taken in by another person before. But I know what I have to do. I've had to do it for so long. There is no denying it any longer. So why is my still heart breaking?

[wildsoul]

He wants you to continue to think that the reason he isn't divorcing is your fault, and for you to continue to bust your ass trying to please him while he continues to stay married.

That nailed it. I'd like to add that it's classic abuser manipulation to get you focused on what's wrong with YOU, so you won't be focused on what's wrong with HIM.

 

Be strong, LL. Be strong.

 

Start paying off the balance on your pain debt to get free now. Don't keep acruing interest that you'll have to pay off in spades later. *hugs*

[torranceshipman]

Wow, awesome, you sound like a strong woman-definitely leave him. Too right you're too much for this guy - he probably still can't believe someone so young, hot and clever is actually so into him.

 

And you know, I totally 100% believe how authentic he must sound and there are a million women (an there'll be a million more) that also fall for these lines - you believed him because you're an open, trusting person and he is a master manipulator - don't let this experience make you bitter or unable to trust again as this was just one stupid guy - many, many women in your situation might've fallen in the same way as you did, so don't call yourself stupid...just think of it this way - from now on, every day you waste with this guy, is a day of your new, positive life you've lost. So kick him to the kerb and move on - theres an awesome guy out there for you. He might beg and plead to get you back - whatever you do, dont fall for it. But appreciate the ego strokes of his chasing you . And if he doesnt contact you, it'll make moving on easier but believe me, he'll miss you. Keep posting here and good luck!