Why did he do this?

[anne1707]

My thread in the Infidelity forum has more details but there is something I am trying to understand.

 

I am married and my 3 year affair has just ended. Basically the OM asked me to leave my husband and I wouldn't so he ended it (5 weeks ago). Over the next two weeks, he and I remained in contact and we started texting each other again, including him sending me a text saying he wanted to spend his life with me. We were also acting as more than jsut colleagues in how we maintained eye contact, let our hands "accidently" touch, etc. This carried on into the next week.

 

During that 3rd week, I told him that maybe I should leave my husband. I sent him a text saying that maybe I should be with him (less than a week after his text about spending his life with me). His response was that he did not think he could give me what I wanted. However I was on an emotional rollercoaster by then. We met after work on Friday and he then told me he had met someone else. I was stunned at this because only 3 weeks earlier he had asked me to leave my husband and he had sent me a text along those lines only a week earlier.

 

I went home distraught and told my husband about the affair. I met the OM on the Saturday and he then told me he loved this new woman. He insists that whilst he already knew her, he only started seeing her after he and I had split. During the conversation, OM and I had that day he also referred to decisions he had made that week just so he could see me.

 

Since then, if he is "in control" of the situation, he tells me he has moved on and that he has met someone he wants to be with (who I am 90% certain is also married!)- even to the extent of telling me he felt nothing for me. When more relaxed, he shows interest in me - eye contact, being able to talk about non work stuff eg his kids, telling me I look lovely and then last week going for a walk whilst waiting to go to a meeting when we really were walking too closely together for just work colleagues and also telling me that he does care after all.

 

I want to make my marriage work but the OM's actions have completely stunned me and hurt me very badly. He is contradicting himself in what he says he feels for me and then what he shows he feels for me. Also if he left me because I would not leave my husband and he wanted a "proper" relationship, why start seeing another married woman?

 

Some insight would be appreciated so I can deal with this and move on and concentrate on my marriage.

[LakesideDream]

The guys a player. When you first refused to leave your husband for him, he was "hurt". He used that hurt for a license to begin with yet another woman.

 

He still enjoyed playing with you, seducing you, teasing you. When you responded by meeting his demands he decided to hurt you.

 

It's part of his drama game. He isn't a nice person. A life with him would be full of pain and sorrow.

[Meaplus3]

My thread in the Infidelity forum has more details but there is something I am trying to understand.

 

I am married and my 3 year affair has just ended. Basically the OM asked me to leave my husband and I wouldn't so he ended it (5 weeks ago). Over the next two weeks, he and I remained in contact and we started texting each other again, including him sending me a text saying he wanted to spend his life with me. We were also acting as more than jsut colleagues in how we maintained eye contact, let our hands "accidently" touch, etc. This carried on into the next week.

 

During that 3rd week, I told him that maybe I should leave my husband. I sent him a text saying that maybe I should be with him (less than a week after his text about spending his life with me). His response was that he did not think he could give me what I wanted. However I was on an emotional rollercoaster by then. We met after work on Friday and he then told me he had met someone else. I was stunned at this because only 3 weeks earlier he had asked me to leave my husband and he had sent me a text along those lines only a week earlier.

 

I went home distraught and told my husband about the affair. I met the OM on the Saturday and he then told me he loved this new woman. He insists that whilst he already knew her, he only started seeing her after he and I had split. During the conversation, OM and I had that day he also referred to decisions he had made that week just so he could see me.

 

Since then, if he is "in control" of the situation, he tells me he has moved on and that he has met someone he wants to be with (who I am 90% certain is also married!)- even to the extent of telling me he felt nothing for me. When more relaxed, he shows interest in me - eye contact, being able to talk about non work stuff eg his kids, telling me I look lovely and then last week going for a walk whilst waiting to go to a meeting when we really were walking too closely together for just work colleagues and also telling me that he does care after all.

 

I want to make my marriage work but the OM's actions have completely stunned me and hurt me very badly. He is contradicting himself in what he says he feels for me and then what he shows he feels for me. Also if he left me because I would not leave my husband and he wanted a "proper" relationship, why start seeing another married woman?

 

Some insight would be appreciated so I can deal with this and move on and concentrate on my marriage.

 

It sounds to me like he played you! IMO he sounds very childish to throw a new OW in your face. I would not waste a minute more of your time on him. You need to focus on your H and figure out what may be missing in your marriage that made this other man so appealing. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[anne1707]

The feeling of being played and even deliberately hurt is definitely there. Up until a few weeks ago, I would never have expected this behaviour. Everything he has said or done has made me believe he loved me, and if anything it was that he loved me more than I him. The contrast is huge.

 

I wonder now whether he ever loved me, And what would he have done if I had left my husband when he asked. Does he realise what he doing even. When I asked him why he sent me the text saying he wanted to spend his life with me, he just says he cannot remember doing that! He has not been able to come up with any defence of his actions over the last few weeks. He is even acting as if he is the victim in all this and that I am being unreasonable and making him feel uncomfortable.

 

I have not mentioned it here yet but the OM and I work together so in some ways there is no escaping from the constant reminder of what we had and the pain now felt. I am looking for another job.

 

I know a life with him would be a disaster and I want to make my marriage work but these unresolved issues keep getting in the way. Plus will he try making a move on me again in the future. Will he let things settle down and then try to play me again. How would I cope with that.

[stampdaddy]

Anne, this is NOT to "bash" you as I dont do that.. however, would/could you show your H these posts youve, well, posted..? What do you think he would feel if he saw such the fence you sit on for him..? It sounds like to me you would have left him IF.. and that you will only "make it work BECAUSE.. Please do not leave this man in the dark as much as you are... It's just not right

[anne1707]

My husband knows I am using this forum and he has a pretty good idea of what I am saying and the feedback I am getting. Whilst I would not feel entirely comfortable with him reading this, I would not stop him if that was what he wanted.

 

He knows that I am trying to get these feelings dealt with so I can concentrate on making my marriage work.

[stampdaddy]

that's good then.. I will keep up with your story.. good luck

[whichwayisup]

I suggest you seek counselling to work on you. Understand why you allowed another man into your heart and were seconds from throwing your marriage away for some other guy. If the OM had said yes, I will be with you, marry you - YOU would have left your husband behind. But, since the OM said no, now you want your husband again.

 

Put yourself in your H's shoes. Imagine how he feels. I don't mean to sound harsh, but there's something really wrong here if you can one minute be ready to walk out the door and then boom! Want to stay married to him. How would you feel if your H did that to you?

 

Counselling will also help you let go of the OM. This guy is scum so you need to be strong and be able to say NO to him if he tries to make a move on you again in the future. Or, let your husband have a conversation with him... Either way, start looking for another job..

[troubadour]

Whichwayisup, I sugessted her a few days ago to have her husband to talk to her OM but she did not think it would be helpful. You see regardless of all her BS how much she is commited to making her marriage work and how much she loves her husband... she wants to keep her options open in respec to her OM. We both know, and she does as well, that such conversation would profaundly change the dynamics in her relationship with OM. Actually, it could pernamently close the door to resuming her affair in the future... and she is not ready to close this door.

 

Have you noticed that she has opened a third thread within last 10 days. Of course, she will claim that she is trying sort things out for herself and to some degree it is true, but she also desperately needs attention and she needs the drama... and a married dull life is not going to fullfil this void. It is just a matter of time before she is in OM's bed again. She likes the sense of security which being married to her husband provides and I believe that in her own way she has fellings for him... but for excitement she will turn someone else...

 

She has already received a ton of sound advice on this forum but she is not going to apply it. The very first thing she would have to do is to take all possible steps to make sure that her affair with OM would have no chance of resuming in the future. There is no doubt that asking her husband to talk to her OM would help tremendously to accomplish that... not to mention how much it would also boost her husband's confidence. But this is something she wouldn't be willing to do... instead she keeps on opening new threads and going for a walks...

[bentnotbroken]

Any advice given in true honesty to this poster, gets dismissed if it isn't what she wants to hear. She needed the reality check of being played, just like she was doing to her H. What is necessary to heal isn't what she wants to do. She wants the OM.

[ioncebelieved]

This thread is perfect for me since I was the OM!!!

 

Okay, I will try and give some insight to the best of my ability. In life when you are faced with a decision you must act. Not really sure how long your affair with him lasted...In my case I put up being the OM for almost two years and I made the same statement to her on several occasions about spending her life with me and that I wanted to spend mine with her. Now, she lied when we first got together about going through a separation and getting a divorce and I allowed her to play that silly game for too long. I WANTED TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH HER AND I STILL DO!!!

 

In your case, it certainly sounds to me that he IS IN FACT playing a game with you. He may have another women, and may be throwing her up it your face. Another poster said player, maybe, maybe not. He may be hurt that you did not choose him over your husband. Whatever he is doing, I WOULD NEVER DO TO MY EX OR ANYONE!!! That is some serious business about leaving your husband and first life for your OM and your second. Only you know if you did the right thing by telling him NO in the first place.

 

How long did you two last? What a stupid move on his part!! I loved mine enough if she for all this time decided to be with me, I would eventually cave if she proved herself! Mine never told me flat NO, like you did yours, but of course by not answering and her still being with him, I pretty much have my answer. Anyways, I have been in NC for a month with mine and she has made NO attempt to contact me. In time, I feel she will!

 

I wish you the best and if you have any questions feel free to ask!! The poster above me I think is pretty much spot on as well.

[anne1707]

Whichwayisup, I sugessted her a few days ago to have her husband to talk to her OM but she did not think it would be helpful. You see regardless of all her BS how much she is commited to making her marriage work and how much she loves her husband... she wants to keep her options open in respec to her OM. We both know, and she does as well, that such conversation would profaundly change the dynamics in her relationship with OM. Actually, it could pernamently close the door to resuming her affair in the future... and she is not ready to close this door.

 

Have you noticed that she has opened a third thread within last 10 days. Of course, she will claim that she is trying sort things out for herself and to some degree it is true, but she also desperately needs attention and she needs the drama... and a married dull life is not going to fullfil this void. It is just a matter of time before she is in OM's bed again. She likes the sense of security which being married to her husband provides and I believe that in her own way she has fellings for him... but for excitement she will turn someone else...

 

She has already received a ton of sound advice on this forum but she is not going to apply it. The very first thing she would have to do is to take all possible steps to make sure that her affair with OM would have no chance of resuming in the future. There is no doubt that asking her husband to talk to her OM would help tremendously to accomplish that... not to mention how much it would also boost her husband's confidence. But this is something she wouldn't be willing to do... instead she keeps on opening new threads and going for a walks...

 

 

I have just told my husband the things you have said word for word.

 

His view is that he may talk to OM at some time but not now. Because there is nothing he wants to speak to him about. I need to sort my head out first and come back to the marriage.

 

Third thread? True but the first one was done in the wrong forum and was advised to go to the infidelity one so I did. This thread I opened basically because I wanted to hear from OM/OW what they thought of the OM because I knew that they would tell me what an **** he has been.

 

Security with my husband? Do I like it? Of course I do. That is part of what being married is about.

 

Going for walks? Well I actually had a lovely walk with my husband yesterday!

[anne1707]

This thread I opened basically because I wanted to hear from OM/OW what they thought of the OM because I knew that they would tell me what an **** he has been.

 

 

This is on the basis that either you are happy with being the OM or OW because that suits what you want and you don't ask for more. Or you really want more and ask for more.

 

The OM in my case asked for more but did not really want that.

[Curmudgeon]

I have just told my husband the things you have said word for word.

 

His view is that he may talk to OM at some time but not now. Because there is nothing he wants to speak to him about. I need to sort my head out first and come back to the marriage.

 

Security with my husband? Do I like it? Of course I do. That is part of what being married is about.

 

Going for walks? Well I actually had a lovely walk with my husband yesterday!

 

I find it difficult to believe any of this. If I was your husband I would decidedly have something to say to the OM. It would likely be along the lines of, "Take her. She's yours. I don't want your leftovers or anyone else's."

 

Security with your spouse is part of what a marriage is about? And just how secure can your husband feel about being married to you. How can he count on your love, loyalty and fidelity. Oops. That's right. He can't, can he. I guess "security" with your spouse is a one-way issue in your view of marriage, huh?

 

A lovely walk! How....well....lovely!

 

Unbelievable!

[Zoomarch]

He is a Sociopath. You remind me of my situation. And you sound like a successful professional, like myself - Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to be a stay at home mom, without the stresses of work related stress that increases the risk of these sorts of things. Anyway, here is the description of a Sociopath which is what I'm STILL dealing with but you won't get much help from this forum because when I brought this up, there wasn't anyone who understood:

 

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning

They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. Grandiose Sense of Self

Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation

Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Callousness/Lack of Empathy

Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. Irresponsibility/Unreliability

Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity

Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle

Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility

Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily

[Angel1111]

It would be nice to know why but you're probably never going to know that. What you DO know, however, is that he has betrayed you and you can thank your lucky stars that you didn't leave your marriage before you discovered what he was capable of (if you're wanting to stay in your marriage).

 

It makes no difference what he says and does because the two things contradict one another. That means he's either confused or is playing you. Either way, neither of those two things makes for a stable relationship that you can depend on, nor does it have anything to do with love. You can't afford to believe anything this guy says or does from this point forward because he has betrayed your trust in him.

 

I am rarely one to recommend NC because I think it's unnecessary. But in this case, I totally recommend it. He doesn't deserve to ever have your attention or to speak to you again.

[anne1707]

Angel1111

 

I totally agree with you. If had left my husband to be with the OM when he asked, it would never have lasted. The man is incapable of holding on to a real relationship (he does have a string of failed relationships but my feelings for him blinded me from the obvious). Whatever interpretation is put on his actions over the last few weeks and his treatment of me, none of it looks good for him. Intentionally or not he has been cruel to me. I really did think that OM and I had something that was genuine but it looks like I was mistaken.

 

Within the confines of working together in a small company, I aim to go for NC as mush as possible. Keep it strictly work.

 

I also know that some see me turning to my husband as "second best" so that I am not alone. I have talked about this with my husband and whilst he can see how others might come to this conclusion, he does not. He knows me better than anybody else and can see that up until a few weeks ago, I never wanted to leave him. He knows I then panicked and said and did things that ultimately I would not want. He believes me when I say I want our marriage to work. This is not weakness on his part. He is incredibly strong and also clear in what he wants.

 

And Zoomarch -there is some truth in what you say too. OM is very charming, everybody thinks he is smart and funny and a good man. I know he was very hurt in the way his first marriage ended (he also omits to tell people about this marriage). She left him for someone else without warning. He came home one day and she was gone. Now there's a clue to his actions....

[Angel1111]

Angel1111

 

I totally agree with you. If had left my husband to be with the OM when he asked, it would never have lasted. The man is incapable of holding on to a real relationship (he does have a string of failed relationships but my feelings for him blinded me from the obvious). Whatever interpretation is put on his actions over the last few weeks and his treatment of me, none of it looks good for him. Intentionally or not he has been cruel to me. I really did think that OM and I had something that was genuine but it looks like I was mistaken.

 

Within the confines of working together in a small company, I aim to go for NC as mush as possible. Keep it strictly work.

 

I also know that some see me turning to my husband as "second best" so that I am not alone. I have talked about this with my husband and whilst he can see how others might come to this conclusion, he does not. He knows me better than anybody else and can see that up until a few weeks ago, I never wanted to leave him. He knows I then panicked and said and did things that ultimately I would not want. He believes me when I say I want our marriage to work. This is not weakness on his part. He is incredibly strong and also clear in what he wants.

 

And Zoomarch -there is some truth in what you say too. OM is very charming, everybody thinks he is smart and funny and a good man. I know he was very hurt in the way his first marriage ended (he also omits to tell people about this marriage). She left him for someone else without warning. He came home one day and she was gone. Now there's a clue to his actions....

 

Well, your husband is being amazingly understanding about this and you're incredibly lucky. You do need to keep tabs on his emotions, though, because I think he's in shock and may hit a wall somewhere down the road.

 

When you're at work, be totally professional with this guy, don't be ovely friendly toward him, and don't let him engage you in any conversation that doesn't have to do with work. Also, don't look at him from across the room or anything else that would give him the impression that you're thinking about him either in a good way or a bad way. Make him think that you're completely indifferent toward him. If he tries to talk to you about personal things, tell him that you're busy and can't talk. Treat him like he means nothing to you.

[soda]

Well, your husband is being amazingly understanding about this and you're incredibly lucky. You do need to keep tabs on his emotions, though, because I think he's in shock and may hit a wall somewhere down the road.

 

When you're at work, be totally professional with this guy, don't be ovely friendly toward him, and don't let him engage you in any conversation that doesn't have to do with work. Also, don't look at him from across the room or anything else that would give him the impression that you're thinking about him either in a good way or a bad way. Make him think that you're completely indifferent toward him. If he tries to talk to you about personal things, tell him that you're busy and can't talk. Treat him like he means nothing to you.

 

Well stated. Be prepared for OM to keep you at arms length. It sounds to me like he wasn't prepared to jump into reality with you. After all, affairs are aside from the realities of our lives...which is what makes them attractive (no, I've never had one.)

 

You have a choice to make. Either put OM out of your life (no emotional connection) and work on your marriage, or be prepared to be on your own...for an indefinite amount of time. OM is not going to jump with you. No matter what he might have told you in the past, he was not willing to take the leap when he had the chance. He's just not that into you.

 

Work on your marriage, or be prepared to be alone.

[siluquey]

I would count my blessings that my husband still wants to try and work it out. What ever happened to make you get into an affair should be discussed and worked out together. Ask yourself if your husband found another woman he was in love with and told you about it, would you be understanding? I think once we take vows, we should do our best to keep the vows and MAKE it work except in the case of abuse or adultry.

[anne1707]

I do think I am incredibly lucky that my husband still wants our marriage and is prepared to try and work through all this. He has also understandably said that he will have a limit to how much time he can give me to sort myself out for his own dignity. He actually did have an affair years ago and I forgave him. There was no doubt at all in my mind that I wanted to stay with him.

 

We have had a good weekend where we have talked about things some more and alos enjoyed being with each other. However I know we are far from through even the first stages of geting our marriage back on track.

 

I know the OM still has some influence over me and I am trying to detach myself from that. It annoys me that even last week he was showing signs of attraction to me and liking me. After all he has said and done, he is still playing me. My husband knows that the OM is doing this but he still does not want to speak to the OM yet. I know his concern is that he may end up hitting the OM which, worse case scenario, could mean my husband is arrested and I get fired.

 

I did have a very nasty argument with the OM at work on Friday (I know I told him a few home truths about his behaviour and he had no defence or explanation). I must admit I am not looking forward to going to work today. At the moment, it does feel as if what is he going to try and do to me today?"

[Adunaphel]

From your post it does not sound like the OM has been playing you - it sounds more like he was disappointed and hurt that you stated you'd not leave after he spent three years with you, and he got tired of being strung along. If such is the case, I find it hard to blame him.

 

including him sending me a text saying he wanted to spend his life with me.

 

Sending you such a text message was unconsiderate of him, but perhaps he was just in an emotional turmoil.

 

We met after work on Friday and he then told me he had met someone else. I was stunned at this because only 3 weeks earlier he had asked me to leave my husband and he had sent me a text along those lines only a week earlier.

 

Dating someone else can be very, very helpful when you are coping with the end of a relationship and trying to move on.

Not very fair to the other person, who will probably be a rebound, but quite human.

 

Try to figure out the real reason why you told your H about the affair and decide whether you love him or not, and whether you want to stay married to him or not.

Ask yourself if you'd consider divorcing him if the OM were not in the picture.

About OM... when and if you are divorced, he might still be available, expecially if he loves you as muich as he said. If he keeps being in the picture until you make a decision, it is no good to you (since he'll make your decision more difficult) and no good to him (as his life has already been on hold for long enough).

[bish]

I want to make my marriage work but the OM's actions have completely stunned me and hurt me very badly.

 

You can't make your marriage work and give 2 squirts of piss about what the OM did.

 

You are stunned and hurt by the OM? Now you know how it feels to be your husband.

 

and the thing I don't get is, you told the OM you wouldn't leave your H. So why can't the OM find someone else?

 

If you wouldn't leave your H for this OM, then why does it matter what he does if you didn't want to continue with him anyway?

 

This OM finding someone else is the best thing to happen. It gives you a much needed, and deserved, kick in the pants and pretty much will ensure NC if he truly wants the new woman.

 

Quit focusing so much on this damn OM already and put that energy into your husband. If you don't want to do that, then just get a divorce already.

[bish]

I am rarely one to recommend NC because I think it's unnecessary.

 

It is absolutely necessary. It is disrespectful to the person one claims to love and claims they want to work things out with if they remain in contact with the person they were seeing behind his/her back.

 

Ask any BS and they will tell you, it is unacceptable for the cheater to remain in contact with their OM/OW. TOTALLY unacceptable.