Desperate in Love

[Lonely Lover]

I’m in a desperate situation, and have nobody to turn to. I apologize for the length of the post, but I need to get everything out.

 

I’ve been involved with a married man for almost 4 years now. He is 20 years my senior and has 2 children with his wife. He is everything I dreamed of in a man (except, of course, that he is married)—generous, smart, athletic, funny, caring, an excellent father…. Although he is still married, it is for the most part only a marriage of convenience. He has been sleeping in a different floor of their house for three years now, and hasn’t slept with his wife for about 2 years. I’ve gotten to know his girls very well, and I love them, too.

 

December 2006, I finally gave up—the pain and longing became too much. He won me back a month later only by promising me that he would move out of his house in June 2007. He said he needed time to get things under control, to prepare his children for the big transition. I hated waiting so long, but I was overjoyed to plan a new life with him. Before June, though, his mother got lung cancer. The doctors gave her a couple months to live. She knew about us, and asked him not to proceed with the divorce until after she was gone. She feared it would keep her from seeing her grandchildren for the last few months of her life. My world was crushed, but I tried to be understanding for him. Meanwhile, our love grew deeper and deeper. He had a lot of trust issues to work through, and we used this time to start healing. You see, for the first 2 ½ years we were together, I cheated on him several times. I promised him repeatedly that I would be faithful, but when I became ‘freaked out’ about our affair, I would get involved with another man. I lied to him about the other men, but he always found out about them. He thinks I have huge issues with fidelity, and is unsure that I’d be capable of handling a real relationship with him. I’ve been faithful to him for 1 ½ years now, and I never cheated on a man before him (I was in an affair with another mm when I was a teenager).

 

His mother lasted almost a year past her diagnosis. During that time, talks of him moving out totally stopped; he was wrapped up in care-giving. We still saw each other, but our relationship was getting more and more distanced. He still didn’t trust me at all—after all, whenever our relationship got tough, I would sleep with another man. I stayed faithful, this time. Last March, I couldn’t stand the loneliness and waiting, and ended it with him again. A couple weeks later, he promised me that he would move out on June 1st (his mother had passed away). I was skeptical, but took him back. Well, July is almost over, and he is still living with his wife. He says he tried to move out, but his kids were so upset that after only one night he moved back. I ended it with him. Again, though, I missed him so much that I took him back (this time with no promises from him).

 

He still talks about a life with me sometimes, but never anything specific anymore. We spend nearly every evening together, and I never feel happier than when I am with him. But being away from him throws me into a deep sadness—I hate knowing his is with his wife. To make things worse, he still doesn’t trust me, and I’m worried he never will. I am graduating college this winter, and plan on going to graduate school. I would stay at the same university if he committed himself to me, but I don’t want to stay here just to be his mistress. I feel guilty for thinking about applying to other schools. I feel trapped, lost, and miserable.

 

I hope someone here will understand what I’m going through, and give me some advice. I’m so tired of feeling alone.

[OWoman]

He still talks about a life with me sometimes, but never anything specific anymore. We spend nearly every evening together, and I never feel happier than when I am with him. But being away from him throws me into a deep sadness—I hate knowing his is with his wife. To make things worse, he still doesn’t trust me, and I’m worried he never will. I am graduating college this winter, and plan on going to graduate school. I would stay at the same university if he committed himself to me, but I don’t want to stay here just to be his mistress. I feel guilty for thinking about applying to other schools. I feel trapped, lost, and miserable.

 

I hope someone here will understand what I’m going through, and give me some advice. I’m so tired of feeling alone.

 

Lonely, it sounds like you've both outgrown what you had. But whereas you're ready to graduate to next steps with him, he's looking to invest in something more secure. He "doesn't trust you" (which is ripe coming from a MM who, by the very nature of his being M, cannot fairly demand nor expect fidelity from an AP) and is withdrawing little by little from you. He no longer talks of a future together with hard commitments or timelines, is still with his W despite promises, and has had the wake-up call of seeing the effect on his kids when he left. With his mother having died, chances are his having to face growing up and being an adult, with all the responsibility that entails. As with students are probably not part of that picture any longer.

 

Your best bet, IMO, would be to plan your future without him in th epicture. Choose the best school for your career, and work hard to get the best marks you can, to get in there. If he sees you moving on with your life, and not being at his convenience all the time, he'll also get a bit of a reality check. He could, if he wanted to persuade you, separate from his W and start D proceedings and be ready for you by the time you graduate. If he wanted. You could change your mind and stay, if he did. If you wanted.

 

But right now, you have nothing from him - no commitment, no movement, no action. All you have is a track record of broken promises and the long slow goodbye. Building future plans around that is bound to disappoint.

[LadyDi]

I think I'd go on and apply where you'd like to go. Take him out of the picture. You can always change things if he comes thru w/a D. I think of he left and came back after one night because of the girls, he's not leaving. Kids always win out.

[whichwayisup]

He has been sleeping in a different floor of their house for three years now, and hasn’t slept with his wife for about 2 years.

 

He may tell you this, but you don't know if this is true. Only they know, as you can't see what happens behind closed doors and in their house.

 

Please try your best to detach and let go of this MM. He has NO intention of leaving his wife, his kids, his life as he knows it.

 

I'm sure he cares for you, but not enough to give up everything for you. He is settled in, has two women meeting his needs. When he has time for you, he'll see you. I hope you're sick of playing second fiddle in his life.

 

LIVE your life for you, he certainly isn't living his life for you. HE lives it with his family, his kids...Go to college, meet up with guys your own age and try your best to forget this guy! You want your OWN family, not his. You want children one day, not with someone who's already been there...Need to start off fresh and make your own memories and creat a life with a guy who can offer you EVERYTHING, and all of himself to you, instead of some older guy who really, when it comes down to it, just is happy in an affair with no intention of pursuing it into something more. Actions speak louder than words...