lostforwordsgirl Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 ill try to make this short- im not the type of person to post but whatever... i got married when i was barely 18, been with husb for 4 yrs, 1 child who is 2. ive been unhappy with our relationship since day 1, i feel like i was majorly pressured into marraige and never got to live my life the way i wanted to. husb wouldnt let me go to shcool, etc. he is the type who thinks women should just stay home and knit a sweater or something. we are also very violent and have created a ton of unhealthy, bad habits together. i admit it i got extremely tired and bored and i looked elsewhere. it started out innocently enough but i am totaly having an emotional affair (i guess u would call it) with another man. we havent slept together but its taking everything i have not to let that happen. ive been living apart from husb for the last month. i cant even stand to see his face, i feel so against him. he knows about me being friends with this guy, but doesnt know we have feelings for each other. he has always been EXTREMELY paranoid that i was cheating on him and i honestly never have even considered it till now. he has hurt himself and even threatened to kill himself over it. i am so terriified of that happening. that is the only reason i feel i would consider going back to him though, is to keep him from hurting himself, and because he is generally such a great dad to my kid. im on a major guilt trip right now. and the way i feel around this other guy is so great, like im finally getting to be myself again. they are like day and night opposite each other. he is completely upbeat and fun and we connect on an insane level. and my husb is so negative and dark all the time. i definatley dont want another relationship- i dont want to start another marraige or anything like that with this other guy. but just being around him i am so free, ive already started making changes to my life. im signed up for school. is it too soon? should i be sad about this? because i am strangely euphoric. ive become a better mom, too lately. although im going to be so poor, i will be living a hard life without him financially, but what is more important?? i mean really, people settle all the time for unhappiness so that they can live in their comfort zones. i dont know, i just dont want to make a mistake. i feel like im in this surreal fantasy world and need to hear outside opinions from sane people!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 If you can't stand your husband...if the marriage has been violent.... File for divorce. I don't understand what your confusion is. It sounds as though you've already come to your own conclusion...what are you hoping to hear/learn here? Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Cheating = bad. Violent, controlled marriage = bad. Divorce = less bad than those options. Get away from hubby, file all your papers and stuff, get yourself together. Then see how things go with new guy. You are distancing yourself with this affair. Trying to make it a situation where divorce is the only option. That way you don't have to look back and wonder if it could have been salvaged. Hubby doesn't deserve you if he treats you that way and you feel aweful all the time. But new guy doesn't deserve to be an excuse. Just get out of the marriage, then decide how you feel about the other guy. Cheating will just make everyone feel like crap. You already have enough reason to get out of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 we are also very violent and have created a ton of unhealthy, bad habits together. he has hurt himself and even threatened to kill himself over it. im signed up for school. is it too soon? The marital environment does not sound healthy for you, and especially not for your child. But I would do my best to not start a physical relationship with the other guy until you have taken proper "separation steps". There is no need to set-up yourself for any added difficulties and accusations down the road. (I realize that you do need emotional support at this time, so it might be difficult to stop contact with the other guy altogether.) No, it's not too soon to go back to school (congrats for doing that!) or to take whatever other steps to prepare yourself for your future, too. It is totally understandable that you will feel more and more relief, the further away you get from a controlling, abusive, unhappy situation. For those so inclined, threatening suicide is seen as the IDEAL way to control and manipulate -- after all, who wants to feel "responsible" for someone else's death? But the truth is, suicide is a choice that comes from the exercise of individual Free Will. Next time hubby threatens self-harm or self-destruction, tell him that it is his choice that only he can make, that you will respect his decision, that you will not take responsibility for his choices and, should that turn out to be his final act, you do promise to do everything humanly possible to ensure that his child is well taken care of in the future. Call his bluff on it, do not let him control and manipulate you with it. Best of luck -- you do deserve much better than you have been getting! Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 You are wrong for using this other man. And he is a fool to start cooping feelings for you (unless he does not know your married, then you are doubly wrong). Lets get this right from the start, unless your husband held you at gunpoint, posed a threat to you and/or your loved ones, and he had been beating you into subservience, you choose to get married. So, he is not the cause of you getting married. With that out of the way... Do the right thing now. If you are REALLY not into your marriage and husband, cut it loose. Suck up the stigma you going to get. Suck up the fact that you are not going to have the same financial security anymore. Suck up the fact that your child will have to cope with dual home parenting. You have no right to bring another man into your mess and this is exactly what you are doing (and if he knows your married and he is still carrying on with you...HE IS AS GUILTY AND WRONG AS YOU ARE!). If you really love this man (and really think about it, apparently you thought you loved your husband enough to bare a child with him and marry him), call of the affair and maintain a friendship. Get your divorce and move on once one relationship is done. You owe doing the right thing first and foremost to yourself, next to your child, then your husband, and then this guy you find yourself involved with. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Are you still 18? If not don't act like it. You are or should be more mature than you were when you were married. If this is an abusive relationship, #1 seek help. If you are part of the abuse, do it now. #2 if you don't want to see your H's face, divorce him. #3 take responsibility for your own life and your own decisions. You H isn't responsible for you choosing to take the crap he dishes out. Nor is he your crap. You have a child, it is time to stop being one yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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