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Are you tired of being second best?


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ioncebelieved

For almost two years, I put up with being second best and getting crumbs from my ex married women. For so long you want to believe in them. You want to believe that you stand a chance. In my experience, you stand a chance if their spouse gets tough enough and kicks them to the curb!!!

 

That's right!! Kicks them to the curb!! Like I said, I lived this life almost 2 years and it was VERY PAINFUL for me. For so long, I tried to bail and she would suck me back in because she was SELFISH!!!

 

I have been in NC for almost a month now as she has me! The way things ended was done in a cowardly fashion.

 

You live and you learn is so true. Too bad I let a women into my heart more than any women in my life and NOW pay the price!! I think is she thinking of me, does she miss me, is going to try things again with us? I think way too much and I should be glad that the problem now belongs to her husband!

 

So are you tired of being second yet????? God how I miss her and love her, but I do not miss the lies, crumbs and disrespectful behavior! This women would take me with her to get things for her husband and her family. Although she and he are childless. Before Easter, the Friday of, she took me to get a Honey Baked Ham that she and her husband and their families would enjoy on the holiday.

 

That little trip was when I had enough!!

 

We are better than this folks and it is about time we start acting like it!!!

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ioncebelieved - first of all i have to say that i totally understand where you are at. I am the OW - xmm has 2 kids. i am also M. He was my boss.

 

No i cant STAND being second best. I hate the stolen moments, sneaking around, lying and cheating.

 

I was a lost soul for so long BEFORE i met the MM. I started a new job (not there now) and felt an instant attraction to this MM. Then he kissed me. WOOOOOOOOOW did that spark something off in me. For the next two weeks we made love so passionately, i had never felt this before. We shared daily phone calls, txts, went out for a drink after work, shared our past and current hurts of the heart and formed what i thought was a close friendship and connection. He told me first that he loved me. Which shocked me to the core. Never expected it.

 

I too tried to break it off - STOP was our word to get out of it - I said Stop 4 times, he never said it to me. Each time I broke it off, 5 minutes later he would touch me, kiss me or tell me he loves me. The last time he still did all thouse things but I left my job. It took two weeks to hook up again although he did call me daily during this whole time - 1st red flag.

 

At this point I regretted breaking up with him and wanted to be with him even more - i was willing to leave my M for him. I went to the office and after being there for 5 minutes, another employee turned up so i had to HIDE IN THE LOO FOR 45 MINUTES. 45 minutes. I had never been forced to hide like this in the 6 months we were together. 2nd red flag.

 

I felt like a whore. Needless to say when I came out of hiding he shoved me out the door as he was "going to his inlaws for dinner" This hit it on the head for me. I emailed him telling him how humiliated i was, that i was not going to continue to be the third person holding his marriage together. Told him if he married the wrong person he needed to got to MC or leave her. I told him he wouldnt change and neither would she. That nothing more could happen btwn us while we were M.

 

He has gone NC for 9 weeks, I txt him 2 days ago and he replied - stop txting me. Yet even though I hate what he did to me - it lead to a mental meltdown, I still love him. And I kill myself a little more everyday by thinking of him. What do you do ??

 

BTW last break up was triggered when he said that he had started sleeping with his w so she wouldnt get suss. He would tell me weekly that his W would say he was not affectionate towards her anymore. She suspected, as did my H, our A. He told me his sister in law told him to get a pregnancy test for his W as she may be expecting - he refused to have more kids, but she is very manipulative of him to the point he has no self esteem. I guess i was his ego trip. God help me

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mistresswchildren

Why do we put up with it?? I cannot understand it myself! What I really don't understand is that now his children with me are "second best" to the family that he created after our children were born. I do not begrudge their child. He deserves all the love that his parents can give him, but my children deserve a real father as well. Because they are children born of an affair, they seem to be "second" in his life. Well, in reality, they actually seem to not even hit the radar on his list of priorities. My little girl just turned one, and he did not even send her a card. It really does make me angry. I think that I have gotten over being second best because I know that I placed myself in that position, but he told me he wanted these children. He told me that they would always be important to him. He hasn't even met his little girl! The more I think about it, the more angry I become. I made a bad choice, and I admit that, but why does he continue to make horrible choices and receive no consequences for his actions. God, sometimes I wish I could hate him. Sometimes, I think I might hate him. I haven't figured it out yet. I guess I just keep telling myself that hate is a useless emotion because it only hurts me. He doesn't care if I hate him or not. He could care less. As long as he is happy, the rest of the world can fall apart. :mad:

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GreenEyedLady
So are you tired of being second yet?????

 

You get what you accept.

 

Demand better for yourself.

 

I never settled for second best and guess what?

 

Now I'm the only one.

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Event Horizon

He has gone NC for 9 weeks, I txt him 2 days ago and he replied - stop txting me.

Just be glad he's not using you for an ego boost with the texts. My MW basically dumped me and now 7 months later is calling and texting like crazy. I don't tell her to stop because I enjoy it. I don't respond either. My ego boost tanks are overflowing. I like knowing she is suffering and I want it to continue.

 

At least he told you to stop. He must still care about you a little, IMO.

 

E..H

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ioncebelieved

That is exactly it!!! I started feeling so cheap having to meet up and hide her car and hie our relationship. Good thing it was LDR too.

 

I finally got tired of it all. If I were first, this would not happen.

 

During the end, i started feeling sorry for her husband even though I think he should have been stronger how he was being done. He found out about us early on and called me when he found my number in his wife's purse and not to mention he had a keystroke program that read all of our emails, IM and he got all the gory details.

 

I was pissed that he called me and of course she still held to the fact the were going to get a divorce and they were separated. The husband told a different story about them being separated. I called her mad as hornet and believed her bit, "baby, he is just upset we are going to get a divorce bit."

 

If only he would have called and talked to me more about things and her, i would have been a better position to walk away sooner rather than later.

 

Truly makes me think it really is going to get to him later on. I am quite sure he think that I have been totally out of the picture for longer than I actually have. Karma has a funny way of rearing its ugly head and one day it will get her!!

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I don't think the OW is the second best.. I think, in most A, she IS the best...

 

Most of the time, the only reason that is holding the MM to his marriage are the kids.. and the 'lifestyle' (finances, family, friends).. but if you compare the two women.. the OW is the best... in his eyes.

 

That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his W.. he's just loving his OW more..

 

OK.. to be fair.. let's say it could also be 50-50... meaning the W is much better doing banana muffins.. but the OW is much better in bed... the W might be better in cleaning up the house.. but OW is much better at making him feel like a million bucks..

 

Just saying.. ;)

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bentnotbroken

And he isn't worth the muffins, the clean house or feeling like a million bucks. Why make him feel like a million when he isn't worth two rusty nickels. Just saying:rolleyes:

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GreenEyedLady
And he isn't worth the muffins, the clean house or feeling like a million bucks. Why make him feel like a million when he isn't worth two rusty nickels. Just saying:rolleyes:

 

LMAO!

 

I love it!

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ioncebelieved
I KNOW I am not second best.... I am the woman who has his love, all of it

 

That may be true, but you are still sharing!!

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ioncebelieved
no,,, not sharing the things that are important to me...

 

I may be confused of your actual situation. If you are good and happy with it then I can't take that from you. I was generally speaking of all who feel like second. If you are the OW and feel first cool.

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That may be true, but you are still sharing!!

 

This is very true. MW in my situation says that while she cares about her parner she is in love with me. That's all fine, but I'm still the one who sleeps alone every night, who jumps when a car goes by and we are parked somewhere (interestingly enough she doesn't).

 

I'm the one who is only living half of a relationship. While between her partner and I, she gets a whole relationship.

 

This is not life, because while I am independent, I don't FEEL single. I can't bring myself to meet other women.

 

~99

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ioncebelieved
This is very true. MW in my situation says that while she cares about her parner she is in love with me. That's all fine, but I'm still the one who sleeps alone every night, who jumps when a car goes by and we are parked somewhere (interestingly enough she doesn't).

 

I'm the one who is only living half of a relationship. While between her partner and I, she gets a whole relationship.

 

This is not life, because while I am independent, I don't FEEL single. I can't bring myself to meet other women.

 

~99

 

 

That is right!! Crumbs!!! Mino may getting her needs met in ways we know nothing about, but for me next time it is all or nothing!! The flipside to it all of it is you never know what goes onbehind the married couples doors. What they are telling their spouse. It is just ugly and I since I lived it hate it!! Brought me closer to someone that I was not!!!

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ioncebelieved

 

I'm the one who is only living half of a relationship. While between her partner and I, she gets a whole relationship.

 

~99

 

That is how I felt all the time!! People that do that sort of thing are very selfish!! Great way of looking at it! I wonder what mine is doing right now only having half the relationship since I am out the equation. My take is she will soon find someone to make her half whole again and her husband when still be a chump!!

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That is how I felt all the time!! People that do that sort of thing are very selfish!! Great way of looking at it! I wonder what mine is doing right now only having half the relationship since I am out the equation. My take is she will soon find someone to make her half whole again and her husband when still be a chump!!

 

Yes she always acts a little hurt when I tell her that I think within a year of me leaving her she would be in another affair. But I think it's true. Her partner isn't even willing to admitt that there is a problem in the relationship, even when confronted with the affair.

 

Plus MW really does get a kick out of the excitment of it all (think about my SN, we came up with it together) She'll need something to fill the gap and she's not much of a drinker :sick:

 

I don't want to be bitter about it, but I know that there is a resentment within me about all this that I will need to work through.

 

BTW I'm starting LC tomorrow and NC next month. I can't just go NC right this minute because of how our lives are entwined.

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ioncebelieved
Yes she always acts a little hurt when I tell her that I think within a year of me leaving her she would be in another affair. But I think it's true. Her partner isn't even willing to admitt that there is a problem in the relationship, even when confronted with the affair.

 

Plus MW really does get a kick out of the excitment of it all (think about my SN, we came up with it together) She'll need something to fill the gap and she's not much of a drinker :sick:

 

I don't want to be bitter about it, but I know that there is a resentment within me about all this that I will need to work through.

 

BTW I'm starting LC tomorrow and NC next month. I can't just go NC right this minute because of how our lives are entwined.

 

You really got to take baby steps!! I have tried NC and LC several times this year and circumstances like me having surgery for a herniated disc is one major reason why I started talking to her again.

 

It takes time and when you get all your ducks in row, you will be there. For me, I just realized NC was the only option left by her. I stood up for myself and I would probably still be doing the same thing with her as the last few years. Our relationship worked for her and I allowed it. Not anymore.

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I stood up for myself and I would probably still be doing the same thing with her as the last few years. Our relationship worked for her and I allowed it. Not anymore.

 

YES EXACTLY - I told xmm when he said he was sleeping with W that I wasn't going to be sloppy seconds, he said "believe me, she gets sloppy seconds not you" So i can see how this statement can be true that i was first in the sex department, but i was very clearly second as far as everything else was concerned.

 

Now this would be ok if i didnt care, but i did care. It hurt that we would be intimate and he would go home to her. I became jelous of her. He may have really just been going home to the kids, but she was there and i went home without him. By standing up for myself and not allowing him to make me feel like 2nd best, i screwed the Relationship /Affair to the wall. He got the best of both worlds and i only had half of him, sharing him with his wife. She clothed, fed, and cleaned up after him, I wanted to do that for him. It felt like i was just there to make up for her lack of interest and experience in bed - I think xmm married his W because she fell pregnant and he didnt want kids, but it was too late and he felt he had to do the "right thing by her". He said he loved making love to me and said he had never felt this way about anyone before, physically and emotionally.He wanted to but me a ring - i told him - how do i explain a new ring to my H when i dont even wear the ring he (H) gave me anymore. He said he was crazy about me and loved me too much to loose me, but he stuck his head in the sand when it came down to me or her.

 

If someone doesnt mind being treated like that - go for it - but when it bothers you like it bothers the posters here, than there is a problem. As much as it hurts, it will never work under the current circumstances. You can never settle for 2nd if you feel so bad about being the OW/OM. Mind you I cant work out what hurts more now, being second or being nothing at all, whichis what i am now coz he wont talk to me.

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Why do we put up with it?? I cannot understand it myself! What I really don't understand is that now his children with me are "second best" to the family that he created after our children were born. I do not begrudge their child. He deserves all the love that his parents can give him, but my children deserve a real father as well. Because they are children born of an affair, they seem to be "second" in his life. Well, in reality, they actually seem to not even hit the radar on his list of priorities. My little girl just turned one, and he did not even send her a card. It really does make me angry. I think that I have gotten over being second best because I know that I placed myself in that position, but he told me he wanted these children. He told me that they would always be important to him. He hasn't even met his little girl! The more I think about it, the more angry I become. I made a bad choice, and I admit that, but why does he continue to make horrible choices and receive no consequences for his actions. God, sometimes I wish I could hate him. Sometimes, I think I might hate him. I haven't figured it out yet. I guess I just keep telling myself that hate is a useless emotion because it only hurts me. He doesn't care if I hate him or not. He could care less. As long as he is happy, the rest of the world can fall apart. :mad:

 

This is what pisses me off mwc. The x's "seem to get away scott free" and we are but a mere shell of our former selves ( pre MM/MW) and suffer daily for what seems like will be the rest of my life.

 

I have decided that the only way to set me free from my xMM is to tell my H what am dumbass whore i have been. I am just waiting for him to get home from work. Will pop back when i can, i feel a brand new thread coming on mwc - HELP !!

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Just be glad he's not using you for an ego boost with the texts. My MW basically dumped me and now 7 months later is calling and texting like crazy. I don't tell her to stop because I enjoy it. I don't respond either. My ego boost tanks are overflowing. I like knowing she is suffering and I want it to continue.

 

At least he told you to stop. He must still care about you a little, IMO.

 

E..H

 

I LOOOOOVE that you dont respond to her txts and she keeps sending them ANNNNND that you enjoy the thought she suffers LOL

 

Seriously but, she must have broken your heart at one point, and thats not funny. I feel TOTALLY feel your pain, and the "naughty / evil " side says to me tell her to SUFFER AND ENJOY KNOWING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE COZ YOU HURT ME WORSE THAN I COULD EVER HURT YOU !! -

 

I'D LOVE TO HAVE TO OPPURTUNITY TO SAY THAT TO MY XMM, BUT HE WONT TALK TO ME

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**** dont tell me that by breaking nc thats what i did - gave my xmm an ego boost after its over. I hate that he now has a lifetime of f***en sexual fanasties to replay in his head THAT WILL INCLUDE ME.

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Event Horizon
I LOOOOOVE that you dont respond to her txts and she keeps sending them ANNNNND that you enjoy the thought she suffers LOL

 

Seriously but, she must have broken your heart at one point, and thats not funny. I feel TOTALLY feel your pain, and the "naughty / evil " side says to me tell her to SUFFER AND ENJOY KNOWING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE COZ YOU HURT ME WORSE THAN I COULD EVER HURT YOU !! -

 

I'D LOVE TO HAVE TO OPPURTUNITY TO SAY THAT TO MY XMM, BUT HE WONT TALK TO ME

It's not funny but it's life man.

 

As far as my not responding, it's not all out of spite. It's for her too. The things I would say to her would hurt her horribly. She's better off remembering me the way I was instead of what I've become.

 

I already failed God's test once and I'm afraid he's testing me again to see if I'll hurt her emotionally because I didn't get what I wanted the first time around. I don't date right now because I'm afraid of what I'll do to the next girl, emotionally speaking. I'm so so tempted to hurt women emotionally so as to exact some kind of revenge. I feel as if evil is tugging at my soul. After reading what I've written I think I have to change my number but the evil inside me wants to know she suffers(emotionally). I'm so tired of fighting for my soul. All I have to do is let go and the pain stops but I don't want to fail the test again. I think I might need a little therapy, or maybe a lot, or maybe not. At any rate, I'm not letting go of my soul. Not today.

 

I need to be held by a woman I trust 100% right now so bad. What a pathetic human being I've become. Geez as I'm writing this I just had a thought. Maybe I should volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. Maybe that's the way to fight for my soul without so much pain.

 

Maybe something like that would help you too. You asked why this happened in one of your posts. Maybe it's to make us better people but WE have to do it, it won't happen by itself. Maybe God is trying to save our souls and we don't even realize it. I only mention God because you said "praise the lord" in another thread so I hope you aren't offended.

 

Sorry if this post doesn't make any sense it's just what is going thru my mind right now, and it's late here.

 

E..H

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i never let myself be second best but if i did, i tell you it was not nice and what did i do? i got out of it becuz i know i deserve better.

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