HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Yesterday I finally found the strengh and courage to tell my MM that it was over. The A had been going on for 4 years, I love him but I just can't continue living this lie. I proposed NC for a while and told him to really think what he wanted. That he needed to really decide; either work thing out with his W, or end it completely. That he could come back only with divorce papers in hand. When it was time to say goodbye I said, " I feel I will not see you in a long time". He responded... I will see you sooner than you think, I just have to finally work on those papers. Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Holy crap, 4 years!! That's a long time! What kind of man is this to deceive his wife like this for so long? I know it must be a painful experience for you though. Try to think about how he was betraying his wife, and imagine you were married to this guy one day and he would look for an affair if he wasn't happy. The guy is a POS in my opinion. Four years of lies to the poor wife is simply inexcusable. Try to find a better man honey, someone who is at least not married. Link to post Share on other sites
Agent_99 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Please don't get your hopes up. I recently asked my MW to leave her partner. The conversation went from how do I do it? To If I do it, to I can't make any promises, to I can't do it. If he does leave his M, please think about how long and involved his divorce will be. THink about that he is going to need time to grieve the end of his relationship with his wife. Even though I wanted to leave my X, I still grieved over the end of what we had, only it was delayed because I was so adamant that it was the best choice for me and I shouldn't have anything to be sad about. If he doesn't leave, then you are only still putting yourself through the rollercoaster of emotions. AND you might be tempted to contact him to see how things are going by getting your hopes up. Take this time now to refocus on yourself and the things you want in your life. Pick up a new hobby to help fill the time that he used to take. I'm going NC with my MW next month and I'm going to start learning how to play guitar. I've already resumed my excersice regimen so that I have one outlet in place. My heart goes out to you - 4 years - I'm so afraid that 4 years from now i'll find myself in the same place as I am now. ~99 Link to post Share on other sites
dazed.1 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Yesterday I finally found the strengh and courage to tell my MM that it was over. The A had been going on for 4 years, I love him but I just can't continue living this lie. I proposed NC for a while and told him to really think what he wanted. That he needed to really decide; either work thing out with his W, or end it completely. That he could come back only with divorce papers in hand. When it was time to say goodbye I said, " I feel I will not see you in a long time". He responded... I will see you sooner than you think, I just have to finally work on those papers. Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice. Yeah 4 years is a long affair. It must be really hard because you have developed such strong feelings for him. I don't really know your story but I have to say this (maybe it has already been said, I didn't read the other posts), do you really think him leaving his wife is going to be the answer? I mean say he does end it with his wife, and comes back to you. Your relationship initiated with infidelity. He cheated on his wife and had a long term affair with you. What makes you think that he would not do that to you? Because he loves you? I'm sure he loved his wife at some point too. If he wasn't willing to work through the difficulties that come with marriage (and there are countless) with his first wife, why do you think he will be so willing to do that with you? I just think you should think about what I have said here. Don't wait around for him to leave his wife/ not leave his wife. Do what is best for you and your well being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks guys. My mind knows what to do but my heart is very controlling. I will take a new approach in dealing with letting go. I must say it is the 1st time in these 4 years with him I make this type of decision. He was surprised and even stated he was proud of me. As to A_99 my only advice is the longer your in the A, the harder it becomes to let go. There is someone out there always very quick to judge and say just let go, your just a fool, but only people like us can really understand how you can end up for years loving someone so much knowing he/she was never yours to begin with... Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 He said he's proud of you? lol! Tell him to go to hell. You don't need his encouragement or sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tate Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 HOO, Your post struck me cause I am a MM in the exact same position that your MM is in right now. I have been in an EA for 6 years which turned into PA/EA for the last 4... About one week ago my OW and I went no contact permanently unless I am willing to make the decision for sure for her. Being in this situation as long as I have I'll tell you this is the only way I can imagine focusing on myself (and my relationships) and what I want to do long enough to make a decision. NC has been tough and challenging as hell but I have convinced myself that it is the right thing... not much about these scenarios is right so that is a bit of a bright spot if one looks at it this way. I'll tell you this for sure, don't contact him in any way shape or form. Any contact will shift his focus from actually making a decision back to the "oh well, I can have my cake and eat it too" mentality. And if he contacts you don't answer or acknowledge him... it only gives him hope and in my way of thinking distracts from the goal of actually doing something or making that decision. I have given myself a "deadline" (fast approaching, btw) of sorts which my OW knows of and I think is comfortable with... I have also tried to focus in on myself and my issues before making the renewed committment either way. I am currently in therapy and working through these things as best I can. I think with a four year relationship the odds are decent that you will see him back. One thing I have been thinking hard about and one you should also remember about a MM, or any M for that matter, is that decision for you is one in MY mind that constitutes marrying you... for that is what I want for my OW (ex-OW) and I. That is a serious committment regardless if one is currently "committed" to another or not. I think that is one reason why a MM who truly feels and wants a future with his OW seems to be "stringing her along"... heck, he might do the same thing if he wasn't married. Give him his space and let him sort things out... if it is meant to be and he loves and wants to be with you this NC period will be the best thing for him. I think maybe we can discuss these things with each other in this thread over the course of the next weeks for support and thoughts... I know I need a little. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Sorry to burst all you OM/OW peoples bubble.... but your belief that a married person is going to leave their spouse to marry you is just pure FANTASY. Where is the honor and goodness in that? Do you think people who are married are proud to say they married a person they were cheating on their spouse with? Those married people who engage in this sort of activities are not quality people. Why would you even want to spend your life with them? It's not going to happen. Wake up and get smart. Respect yourself and stop hurting yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Sorry to burst all you OM/OW peoples bubble.... but your belief that a married person is going to leave their spouse to marry you is just pure FANTASY. Where is the honor and goodness in that? Do you think people who are married are proud to say they married a person they were cheating on their spouse with? Those married people who engage in this sort of activities are not quality people. Why would you even want to spend your life with them? It's not going to happen. Wake up and get smart. Respect yourself and stop hurting yourself! Funny, the whole world thinks Nelson Mandela is a "quality person". Except you. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Funny, the whole world thinks Nelson Mandela is a "quality person". Except you. Who's nelson mandela? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 One thing I have been thinking hard about and one you should also remember about a MM, or any M for that matter, is that decision for you is one in MY mind that constitutes marrying you... for that is what I want for my OW (ex-OW) and I. That is a serious committment regardless if one is currently "committed" to another or not. I think that is one reason why a MM who truly feels and wants a future with his OW seems to be "stringing her along"... heck, he might do the same thing if he wasn't married. Tate, I think it's easy to underestimate the enormity of the decision for a MM. My MM left an abusive M, a situation which should have been a no-brainer, but even that was far from easy. HOO, I don't want to be accused of offering "false hope", but I do want to point out that it does - sometimes - happen. Not always, but sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Who's nelson mandela? What, Google's broken? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Tate....Thanks its actually good to hear your feelings as the MM, I will take your advise and follow the NC rule as much as I can. It's not easy goings from 5 to 8 calls a day to none, but like you said he needs time to sort his life out and I am willing to give it for the best which ever way it may go. I totally agree to continue on this thread for a while..thats why I am here for all the support I can receive and give as well. jon01....Why are you so bitter in all your responses? I read some of your posts and they all seem full of anger. Maybe you should start your own thread instead of insulting those of us who know what we are doing and are here for advice & support. TY ....OW Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 What, Google's broken? I was j/k. Who gives a rat's ass about NM? This thread ain't about him, so stop trying to use him as a reason to knock me down. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 jon01....Why are you so bitter in all your responses? I read some of your posts and they all seem full of anger. Maybe you should start your own thread instead of insulting those of us who know what we are doing and are here for advice & support. I am not insulting you. I am trying to help you. I'm a little direct but maybe that's what you need to hear to break free of this pain you are in. And btw, if u knew what u were doing, you wouldn't have got involved with a married man in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Tate Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Tate....Thanks its actually good to hear your feelings as the MM, I will take your advise and follow the NC rule as much as I can. It's not easy goings from 5 to 8 calls a day to none, but like you said he needs time to sort his life out and I am willing to give it for the best which ever way it may go. I totally agree to continue on this thread for a while..thats why I am here for all the support I can receive and give as well. I'm with ya on the 5-8 calls a day thing... my OW and I were in nearly constant contact one way or the other during the day and even the evening for that matter... But for me looking at it now that is why it is so important for you to go dark right now. It's the only truly way to know for sure if all of that invested time (and potential invested time) was worth it or is going to "pay off". I do not believe for a second, though some here may disagree, that I am a typical "cake eater" or typical MM. I am in my early 30's and the only two romantic relationships or women I have ever known are my wife and OW. With that being said, it was amazing to see after coming on these forums how actions I have taken and things I have said are stereotypical of someone (a MM) in my situation. So that is why I tell you to give him some time to figure out exactly what he wants 'cause if he truly loves you he is essentially choosing whichever for the rest of his life. It may not be morally correct but it's the way it is for me. Just know that really NC is best for the both of you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Wow Tate....the more I read your posts the more I can relate to you. We are in the same situation. I was married for 18 years after 2 years divorced I met my MM. He also has had only 2 relationships and we are in our 40's. I also think is not the typical "cake eater" situation, but I am also very aware that if I did not come to my dicision, we would probably stay as we are for a longer time. And when you love someone so much you can never feel complete no matter what the situation is with his W, if he does not make that commitment with you. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I was j/k. Who gives a rat's ass about NM? This thread ain't about him, so stop trying to use him as a reason to knock me down. I'm not going after you. I'm going after your fallacious argument that "cheating" is the sole determinant of whether someone is a "quality person" or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Tate Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 And when you love someone so much you can never feel complete no matter what the situation is with his W, if he does not make that commitment with you. I understand, HOO... and I think that is the point that my OW was at as well. I'm really impressed with your strong attitude and all... sometimes I don't know how she has managed to deal with my indecisiveness all these years at all. I was wondering... what sort of feelings do you harbor (other than your strong love) for your MM? Do you resent him for putting you off? Do you understand him and his position? One fear I have is that perhaps I have "damaged" my OW to the point that I can't make things good with her if I do committ to her... I have no real reason to think this but it stays somewhat on my mind and bothers me for her. Yeah... i was thinking at lunch earlier - NC allows a MM to do his "best" for his OW. Ironically, I think the way to do that is indeed not talking or conversing to his OW... strange but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I am not insulting you. I am trying to help you. I'm a little direct but maybe that's what you need to hear to break free of this pain you are in. And btw, if u knew what u were doing, you wouldn't have got involved with a married man in the first place. not insulting but judgemental is okay ? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Yeah... i was thinking at lunch earlier - NC allows a MM to do his "best" for his OW. Ironically, I think the way to do that is indeed not talking or conversing to his OW... strange but true. NC allows the MM to see what life is like without the OW in it. If he can make it, he knows he can leave things status quo and find someone else to replace her with. If he can't make it without her, he puts his big boy pants on and steps up to the plate. NC gives the OW a break from all the hurt and rejection. Allows her to decide what she wants and see she won't die if she doesn't end up with MM. She can also date and not feel guilty. IMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Author HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 I was wondering... what sort of feelings do you harbor (other than your strong love) for your MM? Do you resent him for putting you off? Do you understand him and his position? One fear I have is that perhaps I have "damaged" my OW to the point that I can't make things good with her if I do committ to her... I have no real reason to think this but it stays somewhat on my mind and bothers me for her. I would say it goes by stages. In my case at first I understood as I went into the A with my eyes open, understanding his position, then you realize your in love and go into resentment as to why do I have to be in hiding when you claim you feel this way, and then comes the point your just tired of waiting and hoping until you just can't handle it any longer and realize you need to make a decision and commit or move on. That's where I am at right now. Will any of this damage our future together I would say NO; Actually the fact of going through all these years of being committed without a commitment when you finally do it you will appreciate, and value it even more. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice. He may be back he may not. Just proceed like he will not and continue living your life. My last break up with my honey achieved the desired results. He told me he couldn't make his own appointed deadline and I told him I wouldn't be with a MM any longer and that it was nice knowing him. We were broke up less than 2 weeks. And we've been living together for six months now and considering everything, we've been very happy and very lucky. Either way, you will be ok. There comes a time when enough is enough. You have done what you needed to do. No one knows for sure what another person will do. But don't back down. He will not believe you in the future if you do. I wish you the best of luck, no matter what happens. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 you don't need no MM! think of the families you would be hurting! FInd a single man! he might have been using you for sex only and may be one of many! Think of his wife you are hurting! Would you like your man doing two women! Move on girl! Move on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Thank you GEL... I know you’ve been one of the lucky ones and I am so happy for you. And yes, if there is one thing I'll do is stay NC as much as it hurts. That is one piece of advice everyone here agrees on. I have never placed him in this position and if he loves me the way he says he does then it was for the best, and if it does not work out for me, I guess I'll finally realize it's time to move on. My mind is worried, but my heart is at ease.....because it is so hopeful Link to post Share on other sites
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