Jumbo Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 How long does it take to get over an A...was/am in love with my MW and in the A for 7 years...have been NC for about 4 months....my mind still goes back to her daily....and i miss it all... intimacy, friendship, hugs laughter, support etc that we shared....always thought it would work out...dumb I know...but based on other' s that have been in the same boat it how long does it take to get out of one's system? Its hard many days not to call...and I keep wondering how she can not call based on what was shared during A....I guess there is nothing to be gained by either of us calling the other.... Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 and I keep wondering how she can not call based on what was shared during A.... Because she decided to work on her marriage and to put her husband first, which means NC with you. I'm sure she misses you, but she isn't going to jeopardize her marriage and 4 months of effort towards her marriage, to call you. That would be a big mistake and also would put you back 4 months of healing. Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I'm not over it yet, and my xMM was a complete a**hole. Read some of my previous posts. It is stupid, but true, "Time Heals All." I have to believe that. Every day I think of him less. Every day things get a little easier to deal with. I have daily reminders of him because of our two children, but I keep viewing them as the ONLY gift he gave me. Hang in there. It gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jumbo Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 Mistress - I am so sorry....unbelievable. Thanks for your words. I will keep you in my thoughts....its hard to fathom that the love stays in us through it all. How long have you been NC....did he walk away from the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 It takes as long as it takes - everyone is different. Some seem to move on and find someone else pretty fast...others take quite a while. For me it's been over a year and I'm still really not interested in anyone else at all, but at least I'm not sad all day every day anymore, so it does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 It takes as long as it takes - everyone is different. Some seem to move on and find someone else pretty fast...others take quite a while. I agree. When someone asks how long it takes, I start to wonder why they are trying to rush things. The people that ask this question are usually the ones it takes longest for because they won't allow themselves the time to feel the feelings and go through the process of healing from the disappointments. It takes however long its going to take. The only way to get out is to go through. The only way to get to the other mountain peak is to go through the valley. No shortcuts. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SadGuy99 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 A 7 year affair will take a while to get over. I'm sure you were extremely close. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I understand your pain. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jumbo Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Thanks...for the kind words...Yes very...were were best friends on every level. Funny how things work out...so weird she is not there.....I was doing good until a couple things really reminded me how much I miss her...and her smile. Link to post Share on other sites
SadGuy99 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 8 year affair here, I completely understand. I have yet to sucessfully walk your path and we have tried many times. Its very hard when you know someone that well, they are a part of you. You get to where you know them so well and can predict what they are going to do better than even they can. Don't feel slighted by her not calling I guarantee she is having just as hard of a time as you are. Its for the best, its in her interest as much as yours to live without all that pain. How long can either of you continue endure that roller coaster? It takes its toll on you as you well know. (I swear being the president gives you less grey hair ) Think about how nice it will be when you don't have to feel like this anymore. If you hang in there it will happen and you will be free to live your life without so much pain. It is only going to get easier the longer you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jumbo Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 You are right...many things echo true...the roller coaster comment resonates true. I guess it will be good when I do not feel this way...issue is that I never felt like I did with her with anyone, ever...and she said she felt the same way. I do not think that I will ever truly forget her, she will always have a piece of my heart based on all the times that she was there for me...and she was. I just really miss my pal. Maybe it will work out for you...you never know. We really fit. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Have you heard the Nina Simone song "For a while"? (OK I know that's not the original; I don't know who did the original but her cover is cool.) It might be difficult for you to listen to right now, but the lyrics capture the process quite nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
SadGuy99 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 issue is that I never felt like I did with her with anyone, ever...and she said she felt the same way. That I undersand very well. I have never loved anyone even close to as much as I love her. I didnt even know it was possibe to feel this way about another person. I was with her through 5 years of an abusive marriage during which I was her only friend since her H wouldnt allow her to go out/etc and frequently used her son as leverage. During that time we created a very intense bond. What was the reason you both decided to end the affair, if you dont mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jumbo Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 she was not where she was supposed to be....pretty much got out it. ultimatums were given and she feared what could be lost and the social implications of divorce...and being outed as cheating spouse. H was not abusive and it was easier to stay...guess I did not offer enough to make it worth it...that is the readers digest version. Its just that based on what was said and shared over he years lead me to believe something different. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 How long it takes to "get over it" doesn't necessarily depend on the time together either......I've seen people move on in a relatively short time after longer Rs or even Ms while others who had shorter Rs just can't seem to. It can also depend on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Some things are easier to digest and handle than others. Link to post Share on other sites
SadGuy99 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 That is very sad, sorry it happend that way. I'm sure you offered enough.. sometimes people freak out when difficult situations arise and do the wrong thing or make bad/unexpected decisions. Ppl having affairs are not the most stable ppl either. Dont judge or blame yourself based on bad reactions to something like an affair that is completely messed up to begin with. Its an affair it's bound to go wrong... Trust me your not the only one to feel this way. I've been through some real hell and OW has done some $hitty things through the years, usually when i find out the reason it's understandable on some level. She has tried to "leave" several times for various reasons I never cease to be amazed or shocked by it. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for both of you and her and I hope you get though it and find some peace. I think its about bedtime but it has been nice talking with you, I dont get to talk to too many people with long term affairs like we have had. Link to post Share on other sites
astra77 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I am so sorry Jumbo. I left my A about 11 weeks ago, hit rock bottom, picked myself up but am yet too get over it. My affair only lasted 6 months and I feel bad enough, I cant imagine how bad OM/OW feel that have been in a long term A. If only there was a magic pill or potion that can solve all our issues. Or we could turn back time and reassess decisions we make. But as they dont exist its not a help. My pain has subsided somewhat - but I have days like today when I get really down. I just cant understand it at all, how two people can share so much, love, intamacy, weekends away etc and in the blink of an eye, it all changes. I wish I could answer your question Jumbo, I ask myself the same thing everyday. Unfortunately I am yet to find the answer. I heard once that for as many years as you have been together, the break up will take that many weeks to get over, EG 7 year relationship will take 7 weeks to get over, but thats crap coz its been 11 weeks and Im still hurting, loving him, missing him and he doesnt seem to care. God its so hard. Hugs to everyone who needs one today. Link to post Share on other sites
Tate Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Astra, you make a really good point when you mention "in a blink of an eye" thing... It's incredible how it goes from all to nothing so quickly. I'm a MM just out of an incredible 6 year relationship with my girlfriend. We simply both reached the end and came to the point we couldn't handle what we called "the situation" as it was any longer. I have never longed to talk or see someone so badly as I have the last few days though... it is simply incredible the pain and heartbreak this type of relationship causes. It almost gets to the point you feel powerless to make a decision for fear of the damage that will get left behind either way... And right now I think I'm damaging myself more than anyone 'cause I am completely indecisive about what I really want to do or who I do want to spend my life with. And Astra, I hope you're right about the weeks v years things to get over it... though right now I can't imagine in 6 weeks I'll be feeling much better... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Tate you need to start your own thread about the indecisiveness you are feeling and how staying married is a decision that's a non-decision. Wow, a MM right here on the forum. I hope your clothes are flame retardant. LOL. How ever long it takes to get over a relationship with unreal intensity built into it, I really don't know. It has taken me years to get over a fling - probably because at the time I didn't know that was what he intended it to be. But, its all good now. Welcome, tate and jumbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Tate Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Tate you need to start your own thread about the indecisiveness you are feeling and how staying married is a decision that's a non-decision. Wow' date=' a MM right here on the forum. I hope your clothes are flame retardant. LOL. Welcome, tate and jumbo.[/quote'] I was going to do that as soon as I had the opportunity and time to do so. I'll make sure to change into that fire-retardant suit before my next post. I might very well need it. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I was going to do that as soon as I had the opportunity and time to do so. I'll make sure to change into that fire-retardant suit before my next post. I might very well need it. I understand. I hope you do start a thread in Infidelity on it. I am a few years out from my H's *inappropriate* R with a co-worker, but I know that limbo very well. Its a decision to go back to what was before "the situation". It usually does mean the end of the A. But it doesn't mean that the married partner went back to married bliss. Enough of my thread jack. Sorry jumbo. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Sometimes it takes me reading stories like Jumbo and Tate to scare the bejeezus out of me.. 7 & 8 years.. I am 4 years and DONE! I can't imagine "doubling down" for another 4... Jumbo, how did your MW never get busted? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I was going to do that as soon as I had the opportunity and time to do so. I'll make sure to change into that fire-retardant suit before my next post. I might very well need it. the fire retardant suit button is called "ignore" Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 the fire retardant suit button is called "ignore" He's new. He has to know whom to ignore first. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
SadGuy99 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Wow 3 of us "lifers" in one thread Its errie how similar things sound, wow. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Wow 3 of us "lifers" in one thread Its errie how similar things sound, wow. we are just beginning NC.. sorta.. But I have to be the one to stick to it. I cant waste any more of my life "hoping". Now of course I know that not every story ends the same, BUT....... Link to post Share on other sites
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