Depressed and heart broken...

[Amy123]

Hi everybody,

 

Here is my situation, will try to keep it as short as possible.

 

Have been married for 10 years and have a son 3 years old. Marraige hasn't been great for me. The first couple years were ok, but from the 4th year it kept getting worse and finally became a nightmare after my son was born 3 years back. My son had a really bad sleep pattern for the first 2.5 years of his life, and I literally did not sleep more than of 2-4 hours for those 2.5 years. I work full time btw. My husband did not help me out even for a day and would sleep in another room for those years so that he could get his sleep. Our distance grew and then finally with me doing pretty good at my career things are at a all time low. We have hardly spoken for the past one year. We never had sexual compatibility to begin with, so ofcourse we do not have any sex or intimacy at all any more.

 

I met this man 7 years back. We always maintained friendship as our lives were very similar. He had similar problems with his wife after his daughter was born. We always kept in touch all this years and he was always special to me as I was to him. Last November, I bumped into him in an office party. I always had a soft corner for him but never really acted on it. However since that day, we haven't looked back. I was pretty miserable at that point with my marraige so we started meeting each other a lot. We knew each other for 7 years, so I knew everything about him almost before we started meeting. He is incredible, very romantic, very secure with himself, helps me with my job, and he just completely swept me off my feet. I don't think I have ever fallen in love like this. And he tells me and I believe him that it was the same for him too.

 

Now comes the hard part, we are both married with one kid. We decided that we will break up and be together. We both believe that we will be happy together. However breaking a marraige of 10 years(10 for him too), is hard and at some point you don't even know if breaking up is the right thing to do. We both love our spouses at some level.

 

He has now decided to that he needs to give his marraige one last try before he decides one way or the other. That obviously broke my heart although I realize that that is the right thing to do. For the first time however I had more clarity on my thoughts, now that there is no one waiting for me, I could think more clearly if I wanted to work on mine as well or not. Yesterday it was clear to me that even if I did stay in the marraige, there is nothing in it for me except that if I stay back everyone, family, friends, my son, everybody would be happy but me.

 

What should I do? SHould I stay or should I leave in the hope that I will find happiness someday? Will that affect my son really bad?

 

Please help. I am depressed and heart broken at the same time.

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Would you consider seeking counselling to help you decide if you should stay married or not? Reguardless of the other (married) man, you need to decide what is best for you and your family.

 

Talk to your husband as well. Maybe he is unhappy as well and together you can decide to either fix the marriage or end it. But, for the sake of your child, you owe it to child and to yourselves to give it your best by doing marriage counselling. The love is still there, it's just been pushed down and buried because of resentments and distance.

 

It would be awful if you divorced and then a year later felt full of regret. To walk away from a marriage, break up the family unit before even giving it your absolute best (with NO other man in the picture) is a shame..

[Amy123]

Thank you for your quick reply. We have done counselling once before and are doing counselling again for the last several weeks. Both of us are unhappy but I guess I am more unhappy than he is. Counselling isn't helping me much. Whenever I think about being in the marraige I get depressed. What I am really thinking of is, I want to get separated for a while, not divorce, and then figure out if I miss my husband and feel that love for him. The other angle to this is, now that I met the other man and he showed what I could get in life, I am not able to appreciate what I have at home. I feel I am such a horrible and selfish person.

[Kamikaze]

Thank you for your quick reply. We have done counselling once before and are doing counselling again for the last several weeks. Both of us are unhappy but I guess I am more unhappy than he is. Counselling isn't helping me much. Whenever I think about being in the marraige I get depressed. What I am really thinking of is, I want to get separated for a while, not divorce, and then figure out if I miss my husband and feel that love for him. The other angle to this is, now that I met the other man and he showed what I could get in life, I am not able to appreciate what I have at home. I feel I am such a horrible and selfish person.

 

Amy,

 

You are not a horrible person. I am currently in the same mind frame. My MM has decided to stay with his W and I am in therapy. I, however, feel that the best place for me is to be on my own until I can figure everything out. My therapist wants me to wait a year until I can think clearly without the emotions. I am not happy. I am making everyone around me unhappy.

My husband does not know of my A - which has lasted almost 30 years. And, I have no plans to tell him and hurt him that way.

 

You need to do what is best for you. Otherwise, you will be angry and frustrated and will end up in another A. Take your time - think through every detail. Time is on your side.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your quick reply. We have done counselling once before and are doing counselling again for the last several weeks. Both of us are unhappy but I guess I am more unhappy than he is. Counselling isn't helping me much. Whenever I think about being in the marraige I get depressed. What I am really thinking of is, I want to get separated for a while, not divorce, and then figure out if I miss my husband and feel that love for him. The other angle to this is, now that I met the other man and he showed what I could get in life, I am not able to appreciate what I have at home. I feel I am such a horrible and selfish person.

 

You're not a horrible person...You've just made some bad choices and put yourself in a situation where alot of people will be hurt. Yourself included.

 

Does your H know about your affair?

 

Continue with the MC and also do individual counseling with the marriage counsellor.

 

Until you're able to ween yourself from the OM, let go and heal, you can't focus on your marriage.

[Agent_99]

One thing you said that caught my attention, was about everyone else being happy about you staying in your marriage, except you.

 

You do need to take some time to figure out your feelings for your H. Seperate from your MM. It isn't easy, but it is possible. I agree that individual counseling might be a good idea.

 

I was in a similar situation almost a year ago. I was with my XH for 13 years. My A was very new when I left H, but we had actualkly ended things and were returing very well to just friends. BUT my ability to have an A when I had worked so hard on my M was a wake up call.

 

Just remember to take time to do things for yourself, something you enjoy that doesn't involve either H or MM. 'Cause if your gonna leave your H, you really want to make sure that it is because it is over.

 

~99

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think it's best to not only detangle yourself from the MM but to focus internally on why you feel that way. Dont blame your husband for your own internal unhappiness. Men always getting blamed when the woman want to cheat. Aint that some load of crap. and yes it will affect your son.

 

I know it affected me I still havent forgiven my father for what he did... and he's dead.

[Amy123]

Thank you all for your support and advice. My H does not know about my affair. Yes, it seems like I am blaming him for my unhappiness, but I fell in love with the MM because I was so miserable. I knew the MM for a long time and have always been fond of him but had never acted on it until last Nov.

 

Since yesterday, things have changed again a bit. My MM called and to say that he was really unhappy with his wife and all he could do is think about me. Initially he was going to try to make things work for atleast 3/4 months but now he is saying that it probably won't work. His parents are visiting from Europe and are with him right now and they think the same way. By the way, his wife knows about the affair, doesn't know who the person is though. He also told me that he is seeking individual counselling to help figure out what to do.

 

I know he loves me and I have never loved anybody like him before. I almost know what the answer to this is, but should I wait for him if he can figure it out soon enough, say within a month ?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you all for your support and advice. My H does not know about my affair. Yes, it seems like I am blaming him for my unhappiness, but I fell in love with the MM because I was so miserable. I knew the MM for a long time and have always been fond of him but had never acted on it until last Nov.

 

Since yesterday, things have changed again a bit. My MM called and to say that he was really unhappy with his wife and all he could do is think about me. Initially he was going to try to make things work for atleast 3/4 months but now he is saying that it probably won't work. His parents are visiting from Europe and are with him right now and they think the same way. By the way, his wife knows about the affair, doesn't know who the person is though. He also told me that he is seeking individual counselling to help figure out what to do.

 

I know he loves me and I have never loved anybody like him before. I almost know what the answer to this is, but should I wait for him if he can figure it out soon enough, say within a month ?

 

Did you get hit with the stupid stick??? his wife knows about the affair and yet you think he'll still be with you if you wait??? WTF? He aint leavng his wife for you. You said you fell in love with him because your miserable so what happen when the affair ends? do you cheat again, divorce your husband get deeper into depression, miserableness??? Why dont you tell your husband so he can have a choice in his life? why lead a double life? why hide what's going on in your head, it must be exhausting.

[Angel1111]

Thank you all for your support and advice. My H does not know about my affair. Yes, it seems like I am blaming him for my unhappiness, but I fell in love with the MM because I was so miserable. I knew the MM for a long time and have always been fond of him but had never acted on it until last Nov.

 

Since yesterday, things have changed again a bit. My MM called and to say that he was really unhappy with his wife and all he could do is think about me. Initially he was going to try to make things work for atleast 3/4 months but now he is saying that it probably won't work. His parents are visiting from Europe and are with him right now and they think the same way. By the way, his wife knows about the affair, doesn't know who the person is though. He also told me that he is seeking individual counselling to help figure out what to do.

 

I know he loves me and I have never loved anybody like him before. I almost know what the answer to this is, but should I wait for him if he can figure it out soon enough, say within a month ?

 

This is why affairs are so devasting to everyone involved, besides even the obvious things. It's now so hard for you and MM to disentangle yourselves from the mix of emotions that you can't even make a decision about each other, or about your marriages. The affair has clouded everything.

 

In order to make a good decision about this, you need to separate the two things - your marriage and MM. Concentrate on your marriage first. If you feel you've given it all you can, and if you're husband is unhappy, too - then talk to him about how he feels about divorce. It's possible he wants out as much as you do. If you decide to separate, do it only on the basis that you want out of your marriage - not that you're hoping MM will be waiting for you, or following you soon.

 

I may be naive but it sounds like MM's marriage isn't going to last. But, it's really hard to say for sure because guilt is a strong motivator for some people. Since his wife now knows about the affair, then his guilt meter is going to go off the charts. And don't underestimate its power. You cannot make your decision based on what he said because, even though he probably meant it, that could change overnight because things in his marriage could change.

[whichwayisup]

You really ought to tell your husband. MM's wife knows about the affair, it's only a matter of time before she finds out who you are and tells your husband. Not saying she WILL do that, but many BS's (betrayed spouses) do tell to prevent the A from starting up again.

 

What you feel for your MM is taboo and on the expense of your husband and children. Affairs bring out alot of emotions, intense and dramatic - THAT is addictive and that's why you feel so much for him. The lying and sneaking around, that's a part of the intensity which makes the affair exciting.

[Owl]

I agree with WWIU. Tell your H.

 

Something else to think about...marriage counseling is pretty much USELESS if one of the partners is engaged in an affair. All of the work you've been doing has been compromised by the lie (by ommission).

 

Your H doesn't have any chance to really work through things if he doesn't have all the facts.

 

I say tell him. Let him decide if he wants to work it out with you or not as well.

 

It really IS only a matter of time now before he finds out...better that you do it in a controlled fashion than he find out on his own. One way has you being honest and trying to take some positive initiative...the other way has you just getting busted with your hand in the cookie jar.

 

Tell your H...see what happens from there.

[Amy123]

This is my latest, thought I would let everyone know about it. Like you guys thought, my MM's wife had told my H about the affair and things cannot be any worse.

 

However on the same note, Me and my MM have decided to move in together at the end of the month, now that everyone already knows about it, the respective marraiges obviously cannot work anymore.

 

Thanks again for everyone's reply.

[noforgiveness]

This is my latest, thought I would let everyone know about it. Like you guys thought, my MM's wife had told my H about the affair and things cannot be any worse.

 

However on the same note, Me and my MM have decided to move in together at the end of the month, now that everyone already knows about it, the respective marraiges obviously cannot work anymore.

 

Thanks again for everyone's reply.

 

Amy don't compound one huge mistake with another. Moving in together just because everyone already knows is no reason to move in together.

 

Is this what you really want? Do you really want the mm and him you or is this just the easiest road to take? Think about it and do what is best for you not what is the easiest. You don't sound happy. Just matter of fact about it.

[OWoman]

This is my latest, thought I would let everyone know about it. Like you guys thought, my MM's wife had told my H about the affair and things cannot be any worse.

 

However on the same note, Me and my MM have decided to move in together at the end of the month, now that everyone already knows about it, the respective marraiges obviously cannot work anymore.

 

Thanks again for everyone's reply.

 

Amy, I hope things work out for you guys. But... given the circumstances thrusting you together, they may not. You're landing up together through circumstance rather than choice, and you'll both have lots of your own stuff to work through regarding your Ms as well as the challenges that come with moving in with someone AND blending families. I don't recall if he has kids, but at 3 years your son could add a lot of stress to an already difficult situation. You'll both need to give it your all to make it work.

 

Some kind of family counselling - especially around boundaries and space - may help as you get settled in, so that you can feel that you're working together as a team rather than a laserquest situation where everyone is just shooting at everyone in the dark.

 

Good luck - I hope you guys can work things out and find the happiness you'd hoped for with each other!

[stampdaddy]

I have to echo the 2 Posts before me. You have to THINK this through.. While the "image" of you two laying in each others arms at night, seeking comfort will not be there.. More so of the 2 of you laying there with faces that are both quietly thinking, "WTF just happened??" You both will be rapt with guilt, remorse, questions upon questions, and THAT WILL SEEP INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND KILL IT!! You both have to have that time, SEPARATELY to sort through this. You don't want your "love" for eachother to be destroyed just because you were "forced" into this do you? You both need to find the "peace" that thinks have been settled and you can reach out for the others hand and then and ONLY then, walk into a future..

[whichwayisup]

OK, I just did a long reply and it disappeared...

 

I'll try again - What about your 3 year old son? Have you thought about him and how this is going to affect him? You think you and the MM are going to have a life together in a month, but it won't work, for obvious reasons that have already been pointed out -

 

How do you know that your marriage won't work? You haven't even given it a chance, done counselling or anything. Though your husband does deserve someone else who can love him and ONLY him, not cheat on him, so setting him free IS probably best for him, even though I'm sure he's devastated.

 

If you live with the MM so quickly, you're going to mess up your 3 year son. Talk about changing his safe and secure home into dramatic and confusing mess. Stop being so selfish and put your kid first.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is my latest, thought I would let everyone know about it. Like you guys thought, my MM's wife had told my H about the affair and things cannot be any worse.

 

However on the same note, Me and my MM have decided to move in together at the end of the month, now that everyone already knows about it, the respective marraiges obviously cannot work anymore.

 

Thanks again for everyone's reply.

 

So what about your perspective in laws and family members???

 

Do you think they wouold accept the new OM more than your husband.

 

Really what is wrong with you Amy to jump from one marriage by having an affair than by moving in with the OM. Do you really expect to be with your son after this??? This is crazy!!!! The OM will mess up sooner or later. He wont be there for you. and if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you once he becomes tired of you.

 

...this is very sad.