CJF13 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN FOR FIVE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH OLDER I AM 39 AND HE IS 53 NOW, ANYWAY, I HAVE CAUGHT HIM WATCHING PORN AND MASTRBATING TO IT INSTEAD OF OFFEING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, HE WILL WAIT TILL I GET UP THEN DO THIS. IS THIS EMOTIONAL CHEATING? I FIND THIS BEHAVIOR VERY UPSETTING AND HAVE TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL. HIS REPLY IS- IT'S NO BIG DEAL. PLEASE HELP WITH ANY ADVICE. THANKS:eek: Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 If this is affecting your sex life, meaning he is choosing to jerk off and watch porn instead of having sex with you, then yes, it is a problem. But, if he is just doing this for his own sexual needs, has nothing to do with you (MOST men DO jerk off daily, even if they are getting laid as well..Just something men do which has NOTHING to do with the woman they're with) then try not to take it so personally. Why not watch porn with him, fool around and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN FOR FIVE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH OLDER I AM 39 AND HE IS 53 NOW, ANYWAY, I HAVE CAUGHT HIM WATCHING PORN AND MASTRBATING TO IT INSTEAD OF OFFEING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, HE WILL WAIT TILL I GET UP THEN DO THIS. IS THIS EMOTIONAL CHEATING? I FIND THIS BEHAVIOR VERY UPSETTING AND HAVE TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL. HIS REPLY IS- IT'S NO BIG DEAL. PLEASE HELP WITH ANY ADVICE. THANKS:eek: How the hell is having sex with yourself in any way cheating? weird mindset........as is posting this on the OW/OM board...... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN FOR FIVE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH OLDER I AM 39 AND HE IS 53 NOW, ANYWAY, I HAVE CAUGHT HIM WATCHING PORN AND MASTRBATING TO IT INSTEAD OF OFFEING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, HE WILL WAIT TILL I GET UP THEN DO THIS. IS THIS EMOTIONAL CHEATING? I FIND THIS BEHAVIOR VERY UPSETTING AND HAVE TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL. HIS REPLY IS- IT'S NO BIG DEAL. PLEASE HELP WITH ANY ADVICE. THANKS:eek: Yes it is emotional cheating.. he is in love with himself.. and is all over himself... tsk tsk tsk... naughty ..naughty boy... PLus... he's 2 people short of having a threesome... watch him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I don't really think it's cheating but it isn't very well nice to know that your other half is jerking off to other people. If anything a person would feel a little upset and quite inadequate (porn stars are definately not your average people...). Like the first poster said: is it interfering with your own private sex life or is it something he does on the side?--- has this happened before? Did you and your mate have a previous discussion about pornography and how the both of you felt about the subject?... The more info we get the better we can help;) Goodluck to ya and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yes it is emotional cheating.. he is in love with himself.. and is all over himself... tsk tsk tsk... naughty ..naughty boy... PLus... he's 2 people short of having a threesome... watch him!!! so is his hand the OW ? <shaking head> Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 It's not cheating, and it's not abnormal. I watch porn and masturbate, whether I am in a relationship or not. Are there other issues in your relationship that need addressing? Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 It's not cheating, and it's not abnormal. I watch porn and masturbate, whether I am in a relationship or not. What if the partner made it clear that he/she is not comfortable and would not like for the other to watch it or continue watching? Is that cheating or ommission? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 What if the partner made it clear that he/she is not comfortable and would not like for the other to watch it or continue watching? Is that cheating or ommission? WOW... That would make the partner a control freak.. I would tell him to effoff... period... Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 WOW... That would make the partner a control freak.. I would tell him to effoff... period... Believe it or not Lizzie there are people out there that do not like watching porn and are not comfortable with it. In addition if the subject became a conversation of values and beliefs and the partner disagrees with it then it's not a control issue it's a principle they have. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Believe it or not Lizzie there are people out there that do not like watching porn and are not comfortable with it. Good.. I appreciate that.. if YOU don't like it.. then DON'T watch it... but to tell your partner NOT to watch it.. there's a huge difference.. that's controlling.. and I would never put up with a control freak.. NEVER! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 What if the partner made it clear that he/she is not comfortable and would not like for the other to watch it or continue watching? Is that cheating or ommission? are we to have NO privacy whatsoever just because we're living with someone ? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME MAN FOR FIVE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH OLDER I AM 39 AND HE IS 53 NOW, ANYWAY, I HAVE CAUGHT HIM WATCHING PORN AND MASTRBATING TO IT INSTEAD OF OFFEING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, HE WILL WAIT TILL I GET UP THEN DO THIS. IS THIS EMOTIONAL CHEATING? I FIND THIS BEHAVIOR VERY UPSETTING AND HAVE TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL. HIS REPLY IS- IT'S NO BIG DEAL. PLEASE HELP WITH ANY ADVICE. THANKS:eek: The issue is that he seems to be replacing you with porn. I don't think this is the right place to post. I think maybe the marriage board will get you more answere. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 are we to have NO privacy whatsoever just because we're living with someone ? Heck no. Everyone is entitled to privacy. However if your hiding something doesn't it make it wrong, in a sense? The trouble porn tends to create: 1) an unrealistic view of human counterparts 2) have messed up expectations when it comes to "real" sex 3) can create habituation [may not apply to everyone but by far most]; over time a person needs "stronger" porn to get the same arousal - it's very much like a drug addict needing more of the drug to get a high, and the same brain process are responsible for both addictions. The need to escalate eventually results in the person "needing" to view horrible things like bestiality or rape, or the same kind of porn must be consumed in large and larger quantities. **On a personal note: I'm not against porn and believe porn just isn’t the problem it's the attitudes and depictions that are merely a manifestation of deep-rooted cultural beliefs, religious or not! If you disagree with porn then find someone that does too! Porn in the end does create problems. On the other hand if a women were using a sex toy would that be cheating too--a quote from a guy: "How do you think most guys would feel if they were to find out that their wives, who have been using sex toys since before they were together, were using something a little bigger than he is?? Well, I’ll let you know now, as a guy, that I would be extremely disappointed and have a horrible case of low self-esteem" Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Heck no. Everyone is entitled to privacy. However if your hiding something doesn't it make it wrong, in a sense? The trouble porn tends to create: 1) an unrealistic view of human counterparts 2) have messed up expectations when it comes to "real" sex 3) can create habituation [may not apply to everyone but by far most]; over time a person needs "stronger" porn to get the same arousal - it's very much like a drug addict needing more of the drug to get a high, and the same brain process are responsible for both addictions. The need to escalate eventually results in the person "needing" to view horrible things like bestiality or rape, or the same kind of porn must be consumed in large and larger quantities. **On a personal note: I'm not against porn and believe porn just isn’t the problem it's the attitudes and depictions that are merely a manifestation of deep-rooted cultural beliefs, religious or not! If you disagree with porn then find someone that does too! Porn in the end does create problems. On the other hand if a women were using a sex toy would that be cheating too--a quote from a guy: "How do you think most guys would feel if they were to find out that their wives, who have been using sex toys since before they were together, were using something a little bigger than he is?? Well, I’ll let you know now, as a guy, that I would be extremely disappointed and have a horrible case of low self-esteem" Short answer ? NOOOOOOOOOOO Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Short answer ? NOOOOOOOOOOO Then I guess it depends on what your omitting, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 There is no need to yell! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 There is no need to yell! was I yelling ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Then I guess it depends on what your omitting, no? not really...I just don't happen to feel that being married to someone gives them the right to every single thought or action I may indulge in......but then I also don't believe in being joined at the hip either Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 not really...I just don't happen to feel that being married to someone gives them the right to every single thought or action I may indulge in......but then I also don't believe in being joined at the hip either True. In the end communication and trust is key to a good and healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 True. In the end communication and trust is key to a good and healthy relationship. Yes but this is very far from controlling.. and telling your partner what TO or NOT TO do... or.. think ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CJF13 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 if this is affecting your sex life, meaning he is choosing to jerk off and watch porn instead of having sex with you, then yes, it is a problem. But, if he is just doing this for his own sexual needs, has nothing to do with you (most men do jerk off daily, even if they are getting laid as well..just something men do which has nothing to do with the woman they're with) then try not to take it so personally. Why not watch porn with him, fool around and stuff. i have tried to watch porn with him and then fool around, i am open to new things but when we watch it together and have sex then he can't get done unless i blow him while he is watching the tv. Yes, this is effecting my sex life. I am available to have sex anytime and willing and he knows this but like i say he will wait till i get up otu of the bed then do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CJF13 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 i don't really think it's cheating but it isn't very well nice to know that your other half is jerking off to other people. If anything a person would feel a little upset and quite inadequate (porn stars are definately not your average people...). Like the first poster said: Is it interfering with your own private sex life or is it something he does on the side?--- has this happened before? Did you and your mate have a previous discussion about pornography and how the both of you felt about the subject?... The more info we get the better we can help;) goodluck to ya and keep us posted! like i said i am more than willing to try new things and i am avialable. I am a person that really likes sex and he knows this. This has been going on for about two years now but has become a ever other day thing in the past 6 months. He says it is no big deal but i have told him it bothers me that i would like to be part of the experience. But he is the one getting off and i left out in the cold, so to speak. Any advice is appreciated. I don't want this to ruin my relationship and need advice on how or what i can do to change this. If this just happened every so often, once a week or something i could live with that. But in 3 weeks i have had sex twice and he has jerked off at least 8 times that i know of. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 like i said i am more than willing to try new things and i am avialable. I am a person that really likes sex and he knows this. This has been going on for about two years now but has become a ever other day thing in the past 6 months. He says it is no big deal but i have told him it bothers me that i would like to be part of the experience. But he is the one getting off and i left out in the cold, so to speak. Any advice is appreciated. I don't want this to ruin my relationship and need advice on how or what i can do to change this. If this just happened every so often, once a week or something i could live with that. But in 3 weeks i have had sex twice and he has jerked off at least 8 times that i know of. If he is masturbating to porn in preference to having REAL sex with you, then yes you have a problem. I think you need some professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
Tsuki no Michi Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I am available to have sex anytime and willing and he knows this but like i say he will wait till i get up otu of the bed then do this. To me it sounds like he prefers watching porn to having sex with you. If that's the case then I do think it's a problem. Obviously I have no specifics about what the two of you engage in on a regular basis, but I do think you need to discuss why he prefers it over you. Really, I'd probably recommend counseling simply because some people need a non-judgemental setting in order to open up. Just a suggestion anyway. I'm not against porn per se, but I think if used it should be to enhance the sexual experience rather than replace it. The latter is generally not good unless you don't have a partner at all. JMO anyway. TNM Link to post Share on other sites
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