Never Coming Back!!

[beautifullove]

For those who haven't read my first post, my bf of 8 solid months told me he was not coming back. He and I are both seperated, although as time progressed I realized that he has not drawn clear lines during his seperation, which caused us to argue on a few occasions. I should also add that he told me he chose to seperate because he no longer wanted to be with his wife, which is why I even considered being with him. Anyway, after telling me he wasn't coming back, he has called me frequently. Although I vowed to do the NC thing - which on occasions I wouldn't take his calls, my heart got the better of me and I would take his call. At first, he left a couple of messages showing his concern about how I was feeling, and another message saying that he's being trying to contact me , which ended with I love you. Then, when I finally took his calls, one of our conversations seemed to be about whether I cared about him or not. He was pissed at the fact that if it wasn't for him calling me, then we wouldn't even be talking. And, of course I reminded him about the fact that he dumped me. Anyway, today he called and I took the call to get things off my chest. In a nutshell, I wanted him to know that he hurt me, that I still love him, but that he had to get his things, since he no longer lived here (in our apartment), because I needed to move on. Oh, also, when I texted him yesterday, I told him to get his things by saturday, and he replied to my text by saying "so this is it'.

 

So back to today, after mentioning about me needing to move on (which is something I read on here) he got angry and persisted to ask me if I had met anyone since he's been gone, so I knew he was bothered by my comments about moving on. I told him that he didn't need to worry about that (he hee heee) and he snapped back saying that I was still his girlfriend. I told him that if he loved me like he says he does, he would not have dumped me, and he would have been banging down my door by now. So he tells me he will see me soon. The point is, I love this man, and I know he loves me. He also says he did it because he was angry and going through alot right now, and that he is concerned that I can't handle situations that involve his wife, because his divorce is not going to happen over night, which I know has alot to do with his money situation, although he has just started working. We truly connected, and we shared many great times and experiences, and if there is any way to go forward so that this relationship can work, I would be grateful for the advice. Also, what do you think his intentions are? Does he regret what he did?

[whichwayisup]

You tell him when the divorce is final and he can actually show you proof of the divorce, THEN you will date him and start over. Until then, tell him to stop calling you, emailing you, whatever. Yeah I know it'll be hard on you but the more you keep this cat and mouse game going, the more he isn't going to do anything. He'll stay married and try to get you to go back to being the OW.

[beautifullove]

Cut off all contact?????? Is there really no alternative? I know the reality is, if he truly loves me he will do what he has to do, but in this day and age, one can easily become distracted, and I'm not talking about his w, but dating generally.

[whichwayisup]

Read stampdaddy's situation.

 

If you stay, he'll do nothing and he won't divorce, he won't leave his wife. If you let go and leave him alone to sort this out without you in his life, there's a chance he'll do what he needs to do. But, with that being said, there's always a chance too he won't leave and he'll decide to stay with his wife. IF that happens atleast you being in NC mode with him will help you heal and move on. Detaching from him, having no daily contact and not knowing about what is going on with him will be easier for you to heal as time goes on.

[beautifullove]

What you say, I know is correct, but I don't like the word chance. I don't feel stong enough to do the NC yet. Couldn't I just let him do the calling, and if he doesn't call then impose the NC. Couldn't I tell him we can be friend's until he/we get divorced - I think I could handle that.

[whichwayisup]

That is worse. You're giving him complete control. You wait until he calls, then he'll call whenever he feels like it. one week, two weeks might go by then he'll call you and you'll be upset and pissed off at him for not calling you enough.

 

Try to slowly detach yourself daily and exclude him from your life. Don't "talk" to him about personal stuff, what's going on in your life. Try not to ask ANY questions about his marriage, his wife and what's going on.

 

Anyway you need to handle this your way, but in the long run by not doing NC with him, he'll just do nothing and you'll be in a holding pattern while he continues to be with his wife, pushing you to stay the OW.

 

By being friends, the affair just moves into an emotional affair.

[beautifullove]

Okay, slowly detaching myself, sounds like a plan. Not talking about personal stuff, and not asking any questions is what I will do, and I won't answer all of his calls, until I'm ready for the NC.

 

Your advice is very much needed and appreciated.

Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Put yourself first. Focus on you, your life, your friends, family, hobbies and work, etc.. Don't "wait" around for him, LIVE for you, not for him.

 

You're welcome. Just take it one day at a time.

[wildsoul]

I needed to read this too. Thank you, ladies.

 

beautifullove: I see what you mean about us having some parallels. I see this thread is almost 2 week old now. How did your "slowly detaching" plan work out for you? Are you in full NC yet?

 

I'd like some insights into the process. Like you, I'm not ready to do the full NC. But I also know that what whichwayisup wrote sounds correct. It's painfully clear that if I stay, it's guaranteed to stay stuck. I just experienced that with him.

 

I've done NC before with a past boyfriend. I tried all or nothing, only to have it turn into a yo-yo back and forth situation. I'm wondering if easing into it will help me adjust better than trying to do a full NC right out the gate. So I'm keen to hear your experience with it!

[astra77]

I needed to read this too. Thank you, ladies.

 

beautifullove: I see what you mean about us having some parallels. I see this thread is almost 2 week old now. How did your "slowly detaching" plan work out for you? Are you in full NC yet?

 

I'd like some insights into the process. Like you, I'm not ready to do the full NC. But I also know that what whichwayisup wrote sounds correct. It's painfully clear that if I stay, it's guaranteed to stay stuck. I just experienced that with him.

 

I've done NC before with a past boyfriend. I tried all or nothing, only to have it turn into a yo-yo back and forth situation. I'm wondering if easing into it will help me adjust better than trying to do a full NC right out the gate. So I'm keen to hear your experience with it!

 

BABY STEPS !!

 

Something that i have since learnt is that, for me, going cold turkey was so damn hard. Especially when I am used to seeing xmm for 8 - 14 hours a day at work AND getting 2 - 5 phone calls from him a day.

 

I first initiated NC 2 roughly two months ago - and proceeded to break it several times. Counting and keeping track of days etc was too much for me to bear.

 

Ween yourself off of him - like a junkie, going cold turkey never works, you have to go to rehab and treatment takes along time and alotta hard work

[bentnotbroken]

BABY STEPS !!

 

Something that i have since learnt is that, for me, going cold turkey was so damn hard. Especially when I am used to seeing xmm for 8 - 14 hours a day at work AND getting 2 - 5 phone calls from him a day.

 

I first initiated NC 2 roughly two months ago - and proceeded to break it several times. Counting and keeping track of days etc was too much for me to bear.

 

Ween yourself off of him - like a junkie, going cold turkey never works, you have to go to rehab and treatment takes along time and alotta hard work

 

 

I beg to differ. Cold turkey does work if you are truly serious and committed to it happening. It isn't easy, it isn't pretty and it will cause a lot of heartache. But it can be done and is more effective than the slow drip. I understand that things aren't the same for everyone, but when something this detrimental is at play, the sooner is the better.

[beautifullove]

He was seperated when we met, but he told me he had slept with his wife 3 weeks before I met him. I asked how did he know our relationship would be different compared to the other 2 times he had seperated from his wife. He said this time he knew it was over. I was seperated and knew that I wasn't going back, so I was confident in what he said. He told her about me. She was living in another state, but when she found out about me she moved back to their home. She called me to tell me she was pregnant, so from that I knew he was honest and could be trusted, because the dates matched. We decided to split, but then changed our minds, because she was due to terminate the pregnancy b/c of her medical conditions. Anyway, we were intensely connected spiritually, mentally, sexually, in every way possible. He was going to move into his friend's house, but after we talked we decided it best that he moved in with me b/c of the distance. We also decided that he would stop working the job he was doing, because he had an injury that made it difficult to do his job. The plan was for him to get another. That never happened. Things moved very fast, but we were happy. I love(d) him and I thought he loved me. I supported him, taught him how to use the computer, encouraged him to open his own bank account (even though he didn't have money, supported his love of music, and got him onto a course so he could complete his GED (which he never did because he left). I was there for him, and wanted him to make up for fifteen years of doing nothing for himself, which seemed to affect him. I wanted for us to grow together. When they were together, he told me she caused them to go bankrupt b/c she didn't listen to him, she didn't value his opinions, and ignored his decisions in parenting which resulted in her young kids having kids. He always provided for the family, and did everything for her and nothing for himself. She didn't even put his name on her son's birth cert. she put the name of her husband that she was married to at the time.

Anyway, she constantly called him crying, and she always found ways to get him to go to the house. But she knew he was ready to move on. Things went quiet for a while, then she called crying about the fact that her male best friend tried to sleep with her while she was at his house one evening (this is someone she had slept with when they seperated before, he was also living in the same place as her before she moved back, and he came back on the same flight with her when she decided to come home.) After that call, he never heard from he for about 6 weeks. He is a great father, and loves his kids (two of which belong to two other men, and one of his own). But she would constantly send him on guilt trips. And because of the loving man he is, it worked. We ending up arguing alot, because she was manipulating him, our relationship, his emotions, and it worked. We moved to another state, which is where they used to live many years ago (they've been married about 11yrs together for fifteen). She moved to the same state a few weeks later. Our arguments got worse. The minute she came the drama started as I predicted. And then the funeral.

[2sunny]

well i'm left scratching my head and saying - FUNERAL? huh?

 

either way that's a lot of unnecessary drama! a lot of this doesn't make sense.

 

just think of how you wouldn't have all this chaos surrounding your life if you were simply doing no contact with this dude!

 

you may want to ask yourself why this drama is appealing to you and your daily life? what are you getting out of all this?

 

good luck with that.

[whichwayisup]

I was just going to say exactly that, alot of drama.

 

This guy isn't worth it - He has alot of baggage and his wife is still IN his life.

[beautifullove]

So the day he left, unbeknown to me was the last day I would ever see him again. I feel as though I have experienced a death, and never had a chance to say goodbye. Although I was weening myself off him, I was lost. We moved into a remote place in a 2bed cond. and then into a 3 bed, so that he could have a studio, and I/we could have a study. We also planned for us to get divorced/ get married and have a baby. We planned to buy a house once he had been working for a year, and I was well on my way through grad. school. But, now I am on my own - completely. My friends/family live elsewhere, whereas he's not alone. Anyway, after he told me he was never coming back, he called me, and text me sometimes daily, or every other day. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him at all. I ignored it all. I was in total disbelief. How could he just turn around and walk off, without an explanation. I loved him so much, and thought he loved me, up until the day he did what he did. However, the straw that broke the camels back - that caused me to break contact, was when he sent me a text saying, get this,"God said repent and ask for forgiveness, and your sins will be forgiven'. Sooooo, I text him 'When truth comes, falshood perishes. Verily falsehood is a perishing thing! You were false, so take your quote and your religion and ..." Need I say more? I was livid. Yesterday, he the sends a text saying "I'm changing my phone so if you want my new number let me know." Is he serious???? I didn't respond. A few hours later he called. That's when I caved in and answered. He basically was calling to let me know he was going to mail my key (which he told me he was going to do ages ago, but the lady at the office said she would call to get it, because I didn't want to speak to him.) He I told him that after everything, the least he could have done was give me closure. He mumbled a little, and then said it wasn't my fault, he will always love me, he wanted to see if I was ok, he didn't plan for this to happen, because he planned to spend the rest of his life with me. When I moved the convo. back to his reasons for leaving, he said he couldn't talk at that time, so he would call me later. I tried to stay calm to get an answer and got nothing but angry, hurt, and frustrated. But, later never came. I finally thought I would get closure. Well I did, but not from him. I was able to find out that he has gone back to life with her.

I am in disbelief, because as hypocrital as it may sound, if I knew that he was ever having second thoughts, or wanted to make his M work, I would never, never, never, have touched him, and he knows this. We talked at length, and he made it clear it was over. I guess it's amazing how death brings people back to life!

 

HINDSIGHT:

On several occasions I questioned his actions, and voiced my concerns as to whether he had some inner feelings that he had managed to bury when it came to him and his W. But he was sure about how he felt and me, and about her. I even asked him if he still loves his wife, and he said that he would always love her, but that he wasn't in love with her. She is a few years older than him. He is 37.

The FACT is, I had warning signs, when she called and shouted at me, he said nothing because of the upcoming funeral, and ran to her house to show his support. We argued about that, but he just didn't get it. And when I said I felt threatened by her call, he played it off saying she doesn't mean it. But yet when I used to get angry, he would act like I'm being oversensitive, and say he couldn't take it.

The FACT is I should have left the first time I realized that he hadn't completely seperated.

The FACT is I should have dumped him after a month without a job.

The FACT is I should have made is ass walt to the funeral.

The FACT is he needed a GED;how could I have expected him to understand that 2+2=4.

The FACT is if we did have a baby, our kid would be younger than his grand children - that's most dysfunctional.

The FACT is in control, not being controlled.

The FACT is he told me to trash his things b/c he didn't want it - he wanted to start again - so I did.

The FACT is his wife is insane (she paid a prophet who told her I was walking past graveyards), and he is unstable, they deserve each other.

The FACT is I as educated as I am, in this case my degree/masters degree/beauty(in and out) strength/money/character failed me - I was hoping for true love, and I was wrong.

The FACT is I am guilty as charged - guilty of loving a MM.

The FACT is I will live and learn from my mistakes, and will use my experience to save whoever I can from making the same mistake. Yes, I am hurt, angry, in love, but slowly getting over it. I will dust myself off and try again.

The FACT is I will love again, like I've never loved before.

The FACT is I WILL LOVE AGAIN, as an even better person. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't deserve this. I deserve all that true love offers.

 

PLEASE EXCUSE ALL SPELLING/GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, I'M WRITING ON EMOTIONS.

 

The FACT is I could write a damn book on my life!!!! lol. Be strong, and follow your instincts, because they never let you down.

[beautifullove]

The drama is one of the main reasons I was happy to get away to another state. But it came with him. That was actually at a time when I truly reconsidered if I could be with him and HIS drama. I had a peacful life when I met him, and I have a peaceful life again. Sorry for the long post.

 

If I did NC when I first thought about doing it, I would have escaped with my dignity and respect in tact. With NC, you cant lose - he you will heal and move on through the hurt and pain, and he may or may not come back. But if he does come back you will be able to make an informed decision. I wish I had that book from the beginning!!!

[wildsoul]

If I did NC when I first thought about doing it, I would have escaped with my dignity and respect in tact. With NC, you cant lose - he you will heal and move on through the hurt and pain, and he may or may not come back. But if he does come back you will be able to make an informed decision. I wish I had that book from the beginning!!!

*sends a soul hug*

 

Thank you for sharing so honestly. I know what you're saying about escaping with dignity and respect intact.

 

Reminds me of a bad former relationship where I stayed in until I was a worthless grovelling puddle. Damaged my own self-esteem. Took years to rebuild it. And now, I have a similar choice before me. *sigh*

 

Hope you start feeling better soon. Your list of facts is excellent, btw.

[beautifullove]

I'm glad I can be of some use. I just don't want you to look back and wish you had followed your instinct, because as silent as they are, they speak volumes.

 

As for me, thinking of them together as one big happy family after this ordeal, is an image I am trying to put out of my mind. I wonder if he even remembers my name. The way he has wiped the slate clean is blinding. It's as if I never existed. I was so stupid.

[Lonely Lover]

"The FACT is I WILL LOVE AGAIN, as an even better person. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't deserve this. I deserve all that true love offers."

 

Our situations might be different in details, but they're fundamentally the same. Thank you for your post--you are farther along than I am in all this (I'm working up the courage for NC). I know what I need to do now, thanks to everyone here. Reading your last post was the last push I needed (I hope). Anyway, I'm going to write your last "Fact" on my forehead, if that's what it takes. Very powerful.

[beautifullove]

not his. If you allow him the choice, then your happiness is fundementally in his hands. This is why I am here today. I am far from healing, b/c learning that he has gone back to his wife after everything we been through and ever talked about, it is still shocking to me. Obviously there are many more things that we discussed, and he had plenty of opportunities to let me know what was on his mind. BUT, because he knew that if I found out he had an inkling of a doubt about going back to his wife, I would leave, he never wanted me to know the truth. As I read in the book, it's about risks. He may be invested in you physically, but emotionally, and financially, he has no investment in you, but rather with his wife. In all the months I have supported him, he now has a job. He hasn't even thought to give me a penny. He tossed me away like a piece of trash. I was disposable. Never again.

 

LL: What happened to you, so I can offer my support?

[Lonely Lover]

BL: I have a couple posts, the most recent being "Normal or Not?" Obviously, the answer to that question has been a resounding "Not normal!" At all. Ouch. I'd love more support, although I've already gotten more advice (ie, sharp kicks to my ass) than I can believe. I should've listened to this advice years ago. I really knew better--I just didn't want to hear it. I let myself believe what he "required" of me was reasonable, but I see now that I was just being stupid. So very, very stupid. For so long. I'm sick with shame over the things I've done in the name of love. I'm ending it tonight. Wish me luck.

[Lonely Lover]

BTW, what book were you refering to?

[beautifullove]

How to survive your boyfriend's divorce by Robyn Todd & Lesley Dormen. I should have done my research before entering my relationship - in fact I probably would never had entertained it, if I had read the book first. I understand exactly how you fee, b/c I feel the same. I was a fool in love.

[beautifullove]

I have read your post.

1. If he no longer loves his wife, whether your a good girl or not should not effect his decision to get a divorce. If his decision is based on you behaving badly, he is not truly over his wife.

 

2.You don't have to climb any mountains to be with a man who loves you for who you are.

 

3. Get that book and READ IT QUICKLY!!!! (Barnes & Noble)