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I can't believe that he lied and continues lying


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Ok so I have a screwed up situation that has caused me much grief over the past year and half. I got involved with a man I work with. (sigh) Yes I know I know. Don't poop where you eat. Well the fact is I thought that this would be different. This dude seemed genuine and very interested in me. We developed a close and best friendship quickly which did not lead to the bedroom until approx four months.

 

When we slept together, he said" you are the kind of girl I would marry, but it's complicated." I can't commit to you. Ok so easy right? just walk away! Wrong ... It is has been anything but. We decided to take a road trip together and met my parents. He said he was visiting a friend and would be back to pick me up in a few days. It turned out that his EX dad died and he was actually going to help her through the funeral process. I am not involved with her he insisted. She doesn't have anyone else to help her through this.

 

Then his dog died the next day! back on the road we were to try to get to his dog in racing speed who had already passed. Then he threw up on the way home and stated, " I don't know whats wrong its just everything its you its her and its the dog." I let it go... I knew he was screwed up and now was not the time to talk about us.

 

Several months went by with me saying this isn't going to work with me. I think you have feelings for her still. Then off to Asia they went together that christmas. He said,"I am just going with her and thats it." "We will be going our seperate ways."I never heard from him on this trip other than the standardized emails he sent all his buddies. We stopped sleeping together and I was ok with that. Then he started to call all the time texting calling

meeting me for lunches and many excuses to continue meeting.

 

It was on again and stupid me thought this will change he will commit.

The next winter trip he did not go with her but during our sleeping together we never went out anywhere outside of work and I was not invited to his home ever. He said its too much to see you outside of work and during work. We only see each other in the office once a week since we do outreach work. I bought it. Before his next trip he started to call again and text again and yes there we were in bed again! On his next trip he texted me everyday and was not with her at all. Then I discovered her facebook through a mutual friend. Umm I thought I might just peek at once in awhile

She is single so maybe hes not lying when he says they aren't together.

 

Then we get into a big fight at work . I discover he has been listening to a co worker bitch about me for months, knowing that my co worker has never been my fan. I feel betrayed and tell him so. I also ask why he pulled the plug on us AGAIN!! He says its too complicated blah blah blah. I say sure and in three months you will be calling me again and texting me again and there will be again.

 

Anyways I decided not to speak to him for three weeks. He of course did everything he could to win me over before his summer vacation, however this time I did not sleep with him despite the persisitent requests. Then I see on Facebook that his EX once again is going camping with him, the famous camping trip he hasn't shut up about. So I ask him is so and so with you. He says NO. I think umm you leave on thursday and her facebook says gone camping on thursday. I didnt have the energy for another fight. Thank god I didnt sleep with him. Then I get a text that night saying everyone decided to come out here for friday night and I am all alone! ???? Oh for petes sake not only is he a liar but he takes it even further! He claims she is inlove with him and thats why she is always around. So I say well do you think that is the best thing to be hanging with someone who loves you if you dont have the same feelings for her.

 

My god I am at a loss. The only thing I know I can do to stay in the drivers seat is not sleep with him.... Help!!

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whichwayisup

You need to walk away from this man. You may love him, but he CONTINUALLY lies to you and obviously is still involved with his ex. If you want to stay in the driver's seat forever, end it. You deserve better and more - Something he is NOT capable of giving to you.

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Please dump this loser. Just talking about him makes you stutter....

 

And then he.....and then...and then....

 

How exhausting.

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yep... definitely exhausting!!

Too bad it wasn't real easy to draw the line

make it black and white

Relationships would be easy then..

 

 

C

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whichwayisup

So, what are you going to do now? Tell him goodbye and go no contact? Or are you going to hang onto this scumbag in hopes that he'll dump her and come to you?

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GreenEyedLady

Why do you keep accepting his lies?

 

He continues lying to you because he can. There are no consequences when he does and no incentive to stop.

 

People stay in R's because they get something out of them. What are you getting out of this?

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LMAO....

Well the problem for me is he sucks me back by saying things like "we are just friends.' I am friends with all of my ex's." however with HER it's always evasive and secret. His other ex's are in relationships. She is on her own. Is with - holding info a lie? I can't get around this lie.. He is gone now for six weeks. This is the longest we will have gone without seeing each other. I hope I can stay strong this time.

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I get attention and a daily call. I get lots of crap, deception, and lies too. Umm

Is attention worth this much?

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whichwayisup
Well the problem for me is he sucks me back by saying things like "we are just friends.'

 

No, you LET him suck you back in. Don't blame him for this, this is your choice. You KNOW he IS with her yet you are allowing HIM to control you. Take a step back and look at this without blinders on. Hopefully you'll understand that the more you hope, contact him, call him, whatever, the more you FEED his ego and the cat/mouse game continues.

 

If he LOVED you back he wouldn't be with his girlfriend. She isn't his ex. If she was, she would NOT be in his life.

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whichwayisup
I get attention and a daily call. I get lots of crap, deception, and lies too. Umm

Is attention worth this much?

 

Don't ask us, ask yourself this.

 

Are you insecure, weak and need this attention by him? A man who says one thing but does the other. A man who is USING you, treating you poorly, lying to you, manipulating you, loving the ego feed - IS he worth it? Please, ask yourself this.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but you need to look within yourself and ask WHY you are allowing yourself to fall for a LIAR, someone who doesn't respect you, let alone want a one on one relationship with you.

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Is with - holding info a lie?

 

 

Yes. Its a lie of omission. Just as intentional as telling a ball=faced lie any other time is too.

 

Have you considered changing your phone number and forwarding important emails to another account or blocking him? This is just not worth it.

 

Something is up between them, but no point in trying to figure it out when you feel and are being so disrespected.

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GreenEyedLady
LMAO....

Well the problem for me is he sucks me back by saying things like "we are just friends.' I am friends with all of my ex's." however with HER it's always evasive and secret. His other ex's are in relationships. She is on her own. Is with - holding info a lie? I can't get around this lie.. He is gone now for six weeks. This is the longest we will have gone without seeing each other. I hope I can stay strong this time.

 

Is it a lie to you? Your value system is what's driving the R. If you're ambivalent or unsure, then he picks up on that and he knows what to say and what to withhold.

 

But primarily, do you want to live even a day longer like this?

 

Doesn't the drama get to you? Do you want to feel like you're in competition with his ex the whole time you're with him?

 

But most of all, why aren't you going camping with him? If you're #1 and she's the ex, why is she going and you're not?

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GreenEyedLady
I get attention and a daily call. I get lots of crap, deception, and lies too. Umm

Is attention worth this much?

 

According to your actions, it is.

 

A daily call is not enough attention. It's lip service. And you're worth more than that.

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whichwayisup
Doesn't the drama get to you? Do you want to feel like you're in competition with his ex the whole time you're with him?

 

But most of all, why aren't you going camping with him? If you're #1 and she's the ex, why is she going and you're not?

 

Because the ex is NOT an ex. He is seeing two women at the sametime. I bet he's telling her you're his ex and who knows what lies he tells her about you.

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Is it a lie to you? Your value system is what's driving the R. If you're ambivalent or unsure, then he picks up on that and he knows what to say and what to withhold.

But primarily, do you want to live even a day longer like this?

 

Doesn't the drama get to you? Do you want to feel like you're in competition with his ex the whole time you're with him?

 

But most of all, why aren't you going camping with him? If you're #1 and she's the ex, why is she going and you're not?

 

 

Wow thats hard to hear... My value system. Yes I have been ambivalent and unsure and he knows what exactly what to say.

 

I was so clear three weeks ago when I found out that he had been talking **** to me to a co worker that was back stabbing me. It was so clear the betrayal .. and then he talked me out of his actions by saying that he had a duty to talk to him because he was part of the team.

 

Yes why the hell am I not with him. More importantly why is it so clear and then it gets hazy again. I know the sex is out. Now to cut contact..

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Because the ex is NOT an ex. He is seeing two women at the sametime. I bet he's telling her you're his ex and who knows what lies he tells her about you.

 

Well the sad thing is that last summer he took off to alberta with her when we were supposedly in a fight, what's his excuse this year? the fight has come and gone and he is planning a trip with her again!!

 

excuse me while I puke... Yes I know its me and trust me its the resentment towards myself that puts on the pounds as I try to eat it all away. I have to get to the gym and cut contact.

 

This will be hard..

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I don't think it's relevant as to whether he's lying this time or not. He's a total drama king and I don't know how on earth you have any respect for this child at all. And even though you're not sleeping with him, you remain connected to him by wanting to know what he's doing, who he's doing it with, and then confronting him about it. I don't know what this dance is that the two of you are doing together, but it's pretty sad.

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White Flower
I don't think it's relevant as to whether he's lying this time or not. He's a total drama king and I don't know how on earth you have any respect for this child at all. And even though you're not sleeping with him, you remain connected to him by wanting to know what he's doing, who he's doing it with, and then confronting him about it. I don't know what this dance is that the two of you are doing together, but it's pretty sad.

He does get off on the drama. He has two, maybe more girls fighting over him. And while he's seemingly defending himself he is laughing inside. Don't give him that power. You are stronger now, and don't need him. Set yourself free and don't look back.

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No we work together and see each other every day. I would love to quit my job and make a clean cut away from this man but that would mean no pay check and I would consider that pretty stupid especially since this is my career so I guess it's just not as cut and dry as you make it sound is it? I control the NC outside of work but it is next to impossible to stop someone from manipulating/games/backstabbing at work etc. In fact in order to survive this situation I have had to calm things by making him think I am a friend in order to stop his bullying and stalking at the work place. So I guess isn't that simple is it?? despite the fact I have put resumes out its just not that dam simple!!

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Thanks White Flower. I am taking steps forward. To move on.. Not terribly confident since I have slipped with this man in the past..

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whichwayisup

Ask for a transfer, or start looking for another job before you quit your job. If you stay, you'll continue to allow him to suck you into his life, his drama, his ego..UNLESS you learn to let go of what you feel for him, go no contact (in the sense of talking ONLY about work related things, no personal talk) and stay on the straight and narrow, maybe you can survive at work.

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Yes well you are right. If I can just set the boundaries and the limits. ( I have done this before), he gets really persistent. This is day two with NC. I know he is camping with her. Whats really sick is he is out there with three women he slept with long term. Two of them are in new relationships and the one, her, isnt. Its just yuck yuck yucky! I have been thinking about what you said whichwayisup and I think you are right. He pulls away from her and starts sleeping with me and then does the same thing to me and goes to her. I noticed on her facebook that she does not have the single application anymore. She also referred to some MR. to call when her phone was down to electric difficulties. I wish I could see it in black and white. Have a sign that they are a couple right in front of me. This would help so much. It would end all the confusion. Why don't I want to believe that he is a liar?What is that about! It's so frustrating.

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Ps I am looking every week and waiting for that transfer. I have been accepted to grad school too so this will help with change. You can't go to grad school and have this garbage in your life at the same time. Besides I will meet other men, intelligent men who are men not boys.

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whichwayisup
I wish I could see it in black and white. Have a sign that they are a couple right in front of me. This would help so much. It would end all the confusion. Why don't I want to believe that he is a liar?What is that about! It's so frustrating.

 

The signs are there, you just don't really want to see them. You don't want to believe he's a liar because you have feelings for him. They ARE a couple so take yourself out of the equation, your life will improve in the long run. Once you heal from this, you'll look back and think WTF was I doing with him???

 

Good luck in grad school and I hope that transfer comes in soon.

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Thank you. You have helped me more than you 'll know.

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