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"Disconnecting to regroup"


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isavelives2

I know I will get bashed here when I post this, but hopefully there are some other women/men in my situation that can add some insight.

 

I recently posted that I have been with a MM for 4 months, and things have been wonderful for us during that time. Then about 2 weeks ago, I got this email from him :

 

"" I miss you kid. I keep hearing you saying that I need to take care of one thing at a time, and I think that needs to be us. It's not fair to you to be here and not 100% dedicated to you. I'm stressed and not thinking clearly. I think maybe I should step back for a bit from us so I can take care of stuff . We each have our own thing going on it will take a toll on us. I want us to have a future !!!I know we're both nervous to see how things settle with all of us. I want nothing but the best for you, but if I can't be there all the way, its not fair to you. You deserve more. You are so great!!! I need to get to where we are equal, and I'm not there yet. You mean so much to me, and I don't want to lose you, so i want to take some time and handle my business. I want us to start having discussions about other things besides our home lives. There's more to us than that. I don't want this to end, but I don't feel like I can keep doing this to you and us. I love you and want to be with you. So if this is meant to be, we will percivere and be stronger together, instead of seperated like we are now."

 

I sent him a text message asking what he was doing, and if he was looking to throw it all away, his reply was:

 

""Not looking to throw it away. We just have some time apart and I want to focus on taking care of stuff here so WE can move forward. Guess I wasn't clear in my rambling....".

 

SO, things for the next week got worse and worse, we were at each others throats, and he was disconnecting from everyone (not just me). On Saturday 7/5 he took me home from work, and stayed about an hour. Then something happened and he literally had a "breakdown". I talked to him briefly Sunday morning, and Sunday night he said he was not going into work Monday, and needed a "Mental Health Day". He said "we'll be fine kid", I love you, and we hung up. Yesturday, I didn't talk to him till 10pm, and it was very short, he said he didn't feel like doing anything and may not come into work today (Tuesday). No normal "I Miss You, I Love You, Nothing" ....

 

So today, he took another day off, and text me a few minutes here, and a few there. He let me know that he went to the Dr and the Dr said he was "over stressed, and needed to disconnect and relax for a few more days, before returning to work". He let me know how he was doing, and I told him I missed him, I asked if there was anything I could do at work to help since he was gone 3 days. He said "things at work will be fine" "Everything will work out the way it's suppose to"..... OK so here's my question....... was he talking work or us.

 

I will say he has definitely disconnected this past few weeks, and been angry at the world (as he put it), but when he sees me he says he gets in a better mood. I want to stand by him whole heartedly (I do know I am the 1st affair he has ever had)..... I know his home life has taken a toll on him, but so have I lately, putting more pressure on him to set goals, and stick to them........

 

So what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him......

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No offense but I think he already knows that you'll always be there for him because you won't leave him alone as he asked.

 

You're only going to push him further away from you. Let him take care of what he needs to take care of. He practically shouted from the rooftops for you to back off.

 

Where's your self-respect?

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isavelives2

Guess I wasn't completely clear..... HE Texts me everyday.... and keeps in brief contact with me, I am not contacting him unless he texts me first.......

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Dark-N-Romantic
No offense but I think he already knows that you'll always be there for him because you won't leave him alone as he asked.

 

You're only going to push him further away from you. Let him take care of what he needs to take care of. He practically shouted from the rooftops for you to back off.

 

Where's your self-respect?

 

Maybe she will learn if he calls the police on her for harassment like some one else's married man did.

 

 

DNR

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Dark-N-Romantic

Even if he is still contacting you... Why are you still inserting yourself into his and HIS WIFE'S marriage? You have no right or reason to be there.

 

And where is the self-respect to find a man of your own? To be in a relationship that does not involve hurting someone else?

 

 

DNR

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isavelives2
Guess I wasn't completely clear..... HE Texts me everyday.... and keeps in brief contact with me, I am not contacting him unless he texts me first.......

 

We also ride into work together in the morning, we work the same schedule, and HE CALLED me Sunday (the last time we talked by phone).....

 

I agreed to give him 3 months to work everything out he felt he needed to.

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melodymatters

I dealt with something a BIT similar recently ( but they were only bf and gF of 6 months, and didn't have sex) and i got a VERY similar note.

 

I said something along the lines of ' i'm sorry, you sound really f'ed up right now, and i don't need that much jazz in my life, so take care of yourself, and i'll do the same !"

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Lookingforward
Maybe she will learn if he calls the police on her for harassment like some one else's married man did.

 

 

DNR

 

which turned out to be a beat up

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Dark-N-Romantic
which turned out to be a beat up

 

Beat up or not... It is definitely a reality check that those who go outside their marriage for any reason are not worth the effort that other person puts into them. And it does not matter how in love with them they are, love does not promote doing what is wrong or harmful to one's self or others.

 

 

DNR

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stampdaddy

If everyone is done bashing her.....

 

Listen, what he is telling you IS true. He needs time and space to deal with his confusion and conflict and the BEST thing you can do for EVERYONE is give him that. It is the best "gift" that you can give to both him, and yourself. It will be hard, but you have to honor what he is "asking you for". If you do, and he does handle his business, then you will be so much more healthier as a couple (which you arent really now), and, well if this is just a crock, then you didnt want him in the end anyway and this time and space will help you in that regard as well.... YOU HAVE TO DO THIS, and it doesnt have to mean the end, but it could lead to the real beginning. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY...

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isavelives2

DNR ---- it seems to me that you are a very bitter man, and really are not here to lend any type of support. I respect that everyone has their opinions, and I read them all.

 

I too came from a divorced family, where my mother cheated on my father. She left with us kids, and I never met him till I was 13..... only to find that he really wasn't a "father" to us, just a name on a birth certificate.

 

My MM also came from a divorced family, who's father deserted them and he did the whole "summer with dad thing". He was rebellious, and did end up getting his attitude in check in high school.

 

We both have skeletons in our closet (as I'm VERY sure you do also), but REALLY do you have to take out your anger towards your mother/father/ ex girlfriend (who ever hurt you), on all of us, that are confused, and looking for support, so maybe (just maybe), some of us will NOT ever be in this situation again.

 

We are not here to be judged or condemn, we are here in hopes to get strength to move on (just like a battered/abused wife), for many of us women, it takes ALOT of external support for us to do "what we need to do"...... it is in our nature to be the "motherly caring type", and I trully think that is why so many of us find ourselves involved in these type of relationships without even expecting it.

 

SO, that just brings me to again ask you to please not take your personal anger/ resentment / grief out on all of us....

 

 

Beat up or not... It is definitely a reality check that those who go outside their marriage for any reason are not worth the effort that other person puts into them. And it does not matter how in love with them they are, love does not promote doing what is wrong or harmful to one's self or others.

 

 

DNR

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Lookingforward

Save your breath Isave...you can't be heard on Planet Perfect :)

 

Just hang in there and do what you have to do.......I just caution you to guard your heart while you're giving him "space"

 

If it's meant to be, it will be

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isavelives2

Thanks LForward, I am also trying to take this time to disconnect myself somewhat as well, so to protect myself.

Protecting my heart is one of the hardest things for me to do, but somewhere, somehow, I know I need to do this!!

 

Thank you for your support!!!!!

 

Save your breath Isave...you can't be heard on Planet Perfect :)

 

Just hang in there and do what you have to do.......I just caution you to guard your heart while you're giving him "space"

 

If it's meant to be, it will be

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Dark-N-Romantic

So, I'll ask you ISaveLives...

 

If this was your son or daughter (that is if you have children or plan to have children), friend, or family member. Who was doing the same thing they were. Would you advice them to stay there?

 

What if it was them who were being cheated on and either they did not know or wanted to stick it out. Would you tell them that the other person who is knowingly engaging in their spouse is in the right and they should just let them have their way?

 

 

DNR

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Dark-N-Romantic

While what I meant was sincere...

 

You and your MM shows a case study of the sin's of the parents coming back on their children. I don't mean it as a bad thing. But, as a show WHY we as parents have to be the better examples than what so many apparently aren't.

 

I am a product of a divorce. My mother and stepfather got divorce (with our stepfather being the adulter, and our father was never in our lives because he was off chasing skirts). But, you know what, me and my brother vowed never to do that to anyone we love. And to this day, we never treat any woman with disrespect. He has never cheated on his wife. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. So, doing what is right isn't hard. Not placing ourselves ahead of others is not difficult. It takes a conscious choice. Rather or not you accept that is up to you. But, I am far from bitter. Actually I feel sad for people who fail to see the follies of their ways.

 

Sad especially for the wife and if there are any children who are doomed to reap the rewards of this whole mess. Yes they may seem like they are okay. Its not until we see them in similar situations to see if they can break the mold of this foolishness.

 

DNR

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isavelives2

I do totally respect your opinions, as for we have both experienced similar backgrounds in regards to divorce.

 

HOWEVER, I was also cheated on by my stbxh, and I was able to move on. He did stay with me, and I did let him, however, I don't know if I ever trully forgave him. We stayed married 10 yrs almost after his "one night stand".... so i can actually see it from both sides of the fence here, and CAN relate to most people that are on this board (including yourself, as for my brother and I were also raised by my mother). Thank you for your imput!

 

While what I meant was sincere...

 

You and your MM shows a case study of the sin's of the parents coming back on their children. I don't mean it as a bad thing. But, as a show WHY we as parents have to be the better examples than what so many apparently aren't.

 

I am a product of a divorce. My mother and stepfather got divorce (with our stepfather being the adulter, and our father was never in our lives because he was off chasing skirts). But, you know what, me and my brother vowed never to do that to anyone we love. And to this day, we never treat any woman with disrespect. He has never cheated on his wife. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. So, doing what is right isn't hard. Not placing ourselves ahead of others is not difficult. It takes a conscious choice. Rather or not you accept that is up to you. But, I am far from bitter. Actually I feel sad for people who fail to see the follies of their ways.

 

 

DNR

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stampdaddy
While what I meant was sincere...

 

You and your MM shows a case study of the sin's of the parents coming back on their children. I don't mean it as a bad thing. But, as a show WHY we as parents have to be the better examples than what so many apparently aren't.

 

I am a product of a divorce. My mother and stepfather got divorce (with our stepfather being the adulter, and our father was never in our lives because he was off chasing skirts). But, you know what, me and my brother vowed never to do that to anyone we love. And to this day, we never treat any woman with disrespect. He has never cheated on his wife. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. So, doing what is right isn't hard. Not placing ourselves ahead of others is not difficult. It takes a conscious choice. Rather or not you accept that is up to you. But, I am far from bitter. Actually I feel sad for people who fail to see the follies of their ways.

 

 

DNR

again, with all due respect, you dont have the faintest friggin clue what you would do until you find yourself on that road.. What, do you think that when you get married that you will just be skippin thru the daisies, that YOU are so far and above everyone else?? And another thing, your comment about "never treating ANY woman with disrespect..." Well, my friend, you sure do ALOT of it here....

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again, with all due respect, you dont have the faintest friggin clue what you would do until you find yourself on that road.. What, do you think that when you get married that you will just be skippin thru the daisies, that YOU are so far and above everyone else?? And another thing, your comment about "never treating ANY woman with disrespect..." Well, my friend, you sure do ALOT of it here....

Hi Stamp, I agree 100%.... :)

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Dark-N-Romantic
I do totally respect your opinions, as for we have both experienced similar backgrounds in regards to divorce.

 

HOWEVER, I was also cheated on by my stbxh, and I was able to move on. He did stay with me, and I did let him, however, I don't know if I ever trully forgave him. We stayed married 10 yrs almost after his "one night stand".... so i can actually see it from both sides of the fence here, and CAN relate to most people that are on this board (including yourself, as for my brother and I were also raised by my mother). Thank you for your imput!

 

Your welcome. I hope you find the strength and wisdom to do better for yourself. Even thought I feel that the deed is wrong. I still hope that all involved find what they are missing and the love everyone deserves and desires.

 

 

DNR

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Dark-N-Romantic
again, with all due respect, you dont have the faintest friggin clue what you would do until you find yourself on that road.. What, do you think that when you get married that you will just be skippin thru the daisies, that YOU are so far and above everyone else?? And another thing, your comment about "never treating ANY woman with disrespect..." Well, my friend, you sure do ALOT of it here....

 

Apparently you do not read ALL my comments throughout LS. Well, to catch you up...

 

As with ALL relationships, A MARRIAGE TAKES WORK AND EFFORT! IT DOES NOT JUST GO ON TO AUTO-DRIVE ONCE YOU PUT THE RING ON AND SAY THE VOWS! And marriage IS a relationship, and if you can understand that that is the beginning of being prepared and ready for marriage. Another to understand is that there are going to be times you love your spouse more than life, then there are going to be times when you want to give them the boot, but this is the test of were love REALLY comes in at. But, this is the same with any relationship.

 

You know what, all of us know the ins and outs of marriage, we learn it each time we are face to face with couples. This ranges from the questions we ask our moms and dads or other loved ones as we grow up to talking with and engaging married couples. All we do within our own marriages is take this information and fine tune it with our own ideas, desires, and expressions. We try to get all these things to fit within our marriage just as the spouse does with the information they have. Does this mean everything will be perfect, NO. Does it mean everyone is going to be able to make it work, well because things like adultery and abuse and other such negative things that exist in marriages and the fact there is this thing called divorce shows every marriage is not all daisy. You don't need experience to know this, but eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel. How do you think so many UNMARRIED PROFESSIONALS write these books and counsel couples? Can you tell me this? And to close this, why is it that I had to deal with my Marine's marriage issues at work and with suggestions from me they worked on their marriage (some improved and some didn't, the one's that didn't also did the marriage counseling thing or already knew they did not want to be married anymore). My best brother who has been married for a year once in a while ask my opinion and for suggestions. He tries them and calls me back and thank me for the help. So, again I guess I have, er what was your words? "...the faintest friggin clue..."

 

And again, if you read ALL my posts around here, you will know I talk about my flaws as well as my strengths.

 

Never once I desrespected anyone, now I have talked poorly of their actions. But, never of the person. Now if their action has a noun to it, then, yes it fits them. So, if someone engages in adultery, they are an adulterer or adultress. If you are the other person you are the mistress or other man (I don't think there is a word for a male mistress, oops did I just admit I didn't know everything!?! DAMN! I guess you were WRONG about me being perfect sorry pal.). So now if you can point out my disrespects, please show me and I shall definitely apologize for it.

 

Now unless you have something more you think you can argue with me about, please feel free, I am willing to entertain (yes now this is me ACTING like I am above you).

 

 

DNR

Thanks for the fun in debunking, at least to others, your view of me. And the fact you don't have the faintest friggin clue of who I am.

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Dark-N-Romantic
Hi Stamp, I agree 100%.... :)

 

Ditto goes for you, cosigner.

 

 

DNR

I just love those who don't have anything better than play cheerleader...Nice pom poms and skirt. (Yes that was an intentional berating... Oops I am human after all (Me and my mean streak).)

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Ok,

 

So what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him.....

 

He completely wants to end with you.

 

But he says the "I want us to be together" just to throw you off.

 

He is freaking out at this situation and afraid of you even, for what I can tell (trying to soothe you way too much).

 

I'd say take it easy, don't panic, make him see that you are not trouble for him (that you can stay in the background and not threaten his marriage), and be very accomodating when he calls and wants to visit (and happy to hear from him, not recriminating).

 

That is if you want to keep him, because he seems to be running scared.

 

My take. Good luck.

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Dark-N-Romantic

I too was raised by my mother. I was raised also by my aunt and uncle (who is deceased now). My uncle cheated on his women. He had one wife and a woman on the side (children with both). He convinced the other to get married to him while he was married to the other. The first wife and his children mysteriously died in fire. And he eventually wound up divorcing his second wife and getting married to my aunty (who came from a pervious marriage of abuse and cheating on the part of her husband). He cheated on her a few times and hit her on one occasion from what my mother told me. But you know what, they made it work. They lasted for years (at least 36) until his death. Yes they would have their arguments and disagreements. And they did have their issues, but you know what, they stuck it out, found their happiness (which was more days than not). It was not perfect love (no one every has that), but it showed me what some things could be apart of a marriage.

 

I smile too because my mother and aunty are two of the strongest women I know. Despite all they bs life and love through at them, they made it. They taught their kids to be above the situation. How to put others before ourselves (to a point of course) and not go out to intentional hurt people. And if and when we find out we are/did do what is necessary to correct it. May aunty gave me one important relationship tip...

 

"You have a sister and a mother and female cousins. You will do anything for them right? And you wouldn't want any man to hurt them right? If that is right, then you better not do unto other women you don't want done unto them."

 

I will always remember that and live by it.

 

Oh and it was my aunty who made sure my uncles kids (who were not her's) had the money they got. One of my uncle's daughter found that out well after he died and it was told to her by other members of her family. She is amazing.

 

 

DNR

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Ok,

 

So what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him.....

 

He completely wants to end with you.

 

But he says the "I want us to be together" just to throw you off.

 

He is freaking out at this situation and afraid of you even, for what I can tell (trying to soothe you way too much).

 

I'd say take it easy, don't panic, make him see that you are not trouble for him (that you can stay in the background and not threaten his marriage), and be very accomodating when he calls and wants to visit (and happy to hear from him, not recriminating).

 

That is if you want to keep him, because he seems to be running scared.

 

My take. Good luck.

 

 

I agree.

 

I think he is only calling you first to avoid having you call him unawares. Leave him alone. He's trying to keep you from messing with his life anymore than he feels you already have (note that I said HE feels, not I feel). He can't control his thoughts and feelings - this was supposed to be fun and under HIS control. But now his W is suspicious because he's been riding with you to work (classic), talking about you at home has stopped since the A started (typical), and he's become distant to her.

 

This whole situation is distressing him and he wants out but is afraid of upsetting you. He is trying the "smother" routine to get you to back out of the R with the crazy smothering guy (because he wouldn't want that). But you think it means he totally digs you and wants to keep sneaking around behind his W's back. But he doesn't.

 

He's trying to do the nice guy break up. His next act will be to go completely dark on you. No texts, no phone calls, no emails - except to say how busy he's been.

 

But, I could be wrong. I still agree with Ariadne.

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Save your breath Isave...you can't be heard on Planet Perfect :)

 

Just hang in there and do what you have to do.......I just caution you to guard your heart while you're giving him "space"

 

If it's meant to be, it will be

 

:laugh::lmao: Planet Perfect! The things you come up with, LF :laugh:

 

ISL2, I'm with LF and Stamp. It is best if you leave him be for now. Respect his wishes and let him figure out his things. At the mean time, you concentrate on yours and as LF said, guard your heart.

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