hecallsmepumpkin Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 I just wanted to write an update. The last thing I wrote on my last thread, "I love him..." I guess a quick recap is that I met a guy who I think we had a pretty intense emotional affair for about 7 months. We spent a lot of time together because we worked on a project fairly close together. We had spent a lot of time OUTSIDE of work hanging out, talking on the phone, exchanging texts etc. We had a lot of fun times where we did really childish things like play cards on our breaks and then we had those times where we had very in depth conversations. He has told me many things that only I know or that only him and his best friends know... Last weekend at our project ending party he had told me that he had feelings for me. I just brushed it off because I did not know how to react. Later that evening I went on a date... (although I have feelings for this guy I am not going to actively seek out this guy who has a girlfriend) and he kept calling me and texting me because he knew I was out with someone else. The next day (we had a long weekend here in Canada and this was the Sunday) we had hardly talked throughout the day and at night he had text me saying "Is it possible for me to see you tonight?" and I knew he had come straight from his girlfriends house. It was 12 am and we sat on my porch and talked for 2 hours until I was ready to pass out. We left off our conversation with basically me saying that he is making all this complicated and that he really needs to figure out what he wants because I'm not like this at all... Now it has been a week and we haven't talked at all. We had saw each other at a bbq yesterday and I didn't talk to him. I'm sure a lot of people in our past project was like "what is going on? they use to be such good friends". Probably it was because he had brought his girlfriend with him. But at the end of the night he had gave me a hug and said "It was good seeing you". And all I could say was, "yeah, you too. bye". I don't know why I am so mad... I guess the bottom line reason is that I knew ALL ALONG that this guy couldn't make up his mind. But what really got me the most was our friendship. The fact that he trusted me or felt comfortable with me to tell me things that others didn't know or very little people knew. And now it's like everything came to a screeching halt where we use to talk to each other every day, all day to now, NOTHING. I always say that if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend... it's really not about LOVE. I honestly don't think it has to do with love at all. It has to do with respect. He may still love her but he damn well doesn't respect her. So at least I am glad that that part is away from me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hecallsmepumpkin Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 And I wanted to add... that this is also why I am extremely mad. WHY would you tell me that you have feelings for me if you didn't feel that you would do anything about it? Why would you tell me that you had feelings for me and couldn't control it and didn't want to forget about it... if now all you do is drop from the face of the earth? why or earth did you keep me hanging? and now because you had said that I had something to think about? If you wanted to forget about it why would you tell me and say the things that you did! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 And I wanted to add... that this is also why I am extremely mad. WHY would you tell me that you have feelings for me if you didn't feel that you would do anything about it? Why would you tell me that you had feelings for me and couldn't control it and didn't want to forget about it... if now all you do is drop from the face of the earth? why or earth did you keep me hanging? and now because you had said that I had something to think about? If you wanted to forget about it why would you tell me and say the things that you did! I'm sorry to say it's because he was hoping you'd relax your standards and have sex with him. That 12am visit was a booty call. From your other thread, he's been with his gf for 7 years. That's longer than some marriages last, so you can't discount that he's committed to her in some way. Regardless of whatever issues they might be having, he wasn't planning to leave her, but he developed a close relationship with you through the project at work and he started wanting to have sex with you. When you wouldn't play that game and told him he had to choose, he did. And now that leaves you out. But you 'win' in the end, because a man like that isn't someone you could really trust to have your best interests at heart, could you? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 I agree with NJ. I'll also add that it seems like the respect issue is backwards. He respects her and not you (no disrespect intended here, from me). He expected to get some booty at Midnight but he didn't get it. So, he's with his girlfriend and sees you. No need to rock the boat if he's not going to get any. So he doesn't spend much time talking to you. Very disrespectful way to treat a "friend". Men use conversation to get sex. Women (sometimes) use sex to get conversation. He was hoping you'd be the other part to his sex-conversation equation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hecallsmepumpkin Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 That was what I needed to hear. The cold hard truth and a reality slap. I guess I was naive. I thought a guy who put in months of time and effort to build a friendship with me couldn't possibly just want... ONE thing. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Wanted to edit to add. Actually, he was disrespecting both of you. Don't let his actions harden you to another guy that offers real friendship, though. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 That was what I needed to hear. The cold hard truth and a reality slap. I guess I was naive. I thought a guy who put in months of time and effort to build a friendship with me couldn't possibly just want... ONE thing. Well, I'm sure he enjoyed your company and having you as an attentive listener. But that was all wrapped up in wanting to have sex with you, not in wanting to leave his gf for you. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Sweeping generalisation alert! Men use conversation to get sex. Women (sometimes) use sex to get conversation. I know a great many women who'd rather have sex than conversation (they could phone their mothers if they wanted conversation!) and a great many men who seek the intimacy of friendship and conversation with women they have no interest or intention of ever shagging. That said, I don't agree with the hard distinctions being made about this guy "only wanting sex and not friendship". I think he probably saw it on a continuum and as the intimacy increased, to him the next logical step was sex. I don't think he was grooming you for months just for a quick roll in the hay. I think when you put it on the table as being two separate categories rather than a soft blurring of edges he felt confused, withdrew and went to lick his wounds. Being asked to choose between his friendship and his R must have come as a cold horrid does of reality after the warm fuzziness of having it all. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 And I wanted to add... that this is also why I am extremely mad. WHY would you tell me that you have feelings for me if you didn't feel that you would do anything about it? Why would you tell me that you had feelings for me and couldn't control it and didn't want to forget about it... if now all you do is drop from the face of the earth? why or earth did you keep me hanging? and now because you had said that I had something to think about? If you wanted to forget about it why would you tell me and say the things that you did! Sweetie, we are always the ones who know their secrets. One day you wake up and find out there were so many others who knew their secrets, too. You were played. And when you stood your ground he figured he couldn't control you. You weren't swooning for him. Players need swooners to keep them hanging on. Don't ever be a swooner with starry eyes. Serial cheaters are suckers for this but will soon turn you into the sucker. On the other had, OWoman could be right on target with her thoughts on the matter. But my gut instinct is that this guy is on a path of serial cheating because he isn't even married yet and beginning to show signs of play. I hope I'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 Seems like you were putting an awful lot on something that was basically just a friendship due to proximity at work over several months with a guy you KNEW had a gf of several YEARS........... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts