"But I want both."

[Stall Tactics]

I'm not exactly sure where this little story actually goes, but this seemed like the appropriate topic. I've read a bunch of threads here the past several days and I really like the vibe on these forums. Hopefully, you can help me out a little bit here.

 

My name's Chris. I've been with my current boyfriend ("B") for just about 3 years now. Though our relationship is so very far from perfect, we have managed to form a loving bond with each other. B's got Asperger's Syndrome (ie, a high functioning form of Autism that essentially leaves him very self absorbed, emotionally shallow, etc). It has definitely given our relationship a big feeling of inequity. A lot of the times, it is as if I am his big brother and not his equal.

 

Eight years ago, I met my first boyfriend ("D"). I fell madly in love with him and we seemed to enter into this magical, new, and full-bodied relationship that was destined to go places. The only problem is that we ended up being separated by geographical distance and, eventually, our hearts had strayed. We always remained good friends, though, and I often described him as the love of my life (and most certainly my first true love).

 

My feelings for D never really went away. Despite getting into several failed relationships after him, I had always compared guys to the feeling I had when I was with D. Their smiles, their smells, their words, nuances, everything. I realize, now, that that was an unfair sabotaging of potentially good relationships, but I know it was something I had to do in order to really understand my feelings on people. Unfortunately, I had sort of separated my feelings for D and D himself. They were almost two different entities. When I was around D, whenever that would be - even on the phone, I felt different. I had told myself I could feel, invariably, nothing. If I had felt anything at all, I knew what would happen and I couldn't afford that anymore. When we had originally broken up, it took a very deep toll on my heart. I wasn't prepared to do that again.

 

Every new boyfriend that came and went was put under D's scrutinizing eye. He was, after all, one of my best friends. A person I kept close because it felt "right" for him to be there. The problem is that this time he was not at all happy with my choice in a man. I am not entirely sure why he does not like B, but he has told me flat out that he doesn't. It is true, I have come to him for advice about out relationship before.... Is this wrong of me? His response, usually, was for me to break up with him or question whether I really loved him, etc. I'm aware that this appears to be a bit of sabotage, but I trust myself to make the right decisions in the end despite the loudest suggestions.

 

In January of 2007, B and I were having a lot of conflicts. We argued very frequently, the sex had slowed to a crawl, and our respect for each other had waned. At the time, D had asked me to come visit him in Portland. For the next 4-5 months, I had evaded the matter because I couldn't admit to him what I was feeling. I knew, in my heart, that if I went up there then, I would not come back the same person. I certainly was not ready to give up on my relationship, but I knew if I went up there that that is precisely what I would do. Due to me not sharing this fact with D, he became resentful and assumed I was blowing him off.

 

In October of 2007, my older brother Brian was killed in a car crash. It is, by far, the most devastating thing to happen to me in my life. Given the nature of my 4 older sisters and parents, I did most of the consoling with not many people asking how I felt. Given B's emotional vacancy, I was almost forced to handle the situation on my own with very, very little emotional support. Those that did reach out to me were my very best friends. Yes, this included D.

 

In January of this year, I decided to come clean to D and tell him why I chose to avoid coming to Portland last year. Needless to say, he was surprised. We ended up talking over the next few days on the phone. I let him know that I was a changed person. My brother's death had forced me to reevaluate my priorities in life. I did not want to die an unhappy person. I do not want to live knowing I could die without shoring up what I needed to. This lead to me to confess to D my original feelings. However, I was expecting nothing in return. I didn't really concern myself with the possibility of him feeling reciprocal about the matter. The problem is that he did feel reciprocal. I was bowled over. After 6 years of just "friendship" and keeping those emotions contained and simply putting him in the little box in my heart, it felt as if all of it was spilling out.

 

Somewhere along the line, D became frightened about the prospective paradigm shift that would occur should the two of us come together. Now, this is pure speculation as I am (to be honest) too pussified to ask him what he feels, but I am assuming he really did not like the prospect of being "the other man" in a situation. I believe he wants me to end the relationship on my own accord and meet him half way. This is understandable. One problem: I can't.

 

I love B. I love him with all my heart. He is well meaning, a very good provider, and he does love me so very much. Unfortunately, he is also exceedingly stressful to be partnered with. He is someone who would, most likely, be a better friend than lover. However, I have become so accustomed to his scent, his skin, his warmth, that I feel if I were to lose him I would lose another piece of my heart. Given my recent loss of my brother, it is too much for me right now. I do not want to then shift all that emotion onto a prospective relationship with D, anyway.

 

What do I want to do? I don't know. I have a lot of things to work through before I really entertain any idea of a new relationship. I need to go back to the gym again - something I neglected after my relationship with B became strained. I need to be more competitive in the work force - something else I neglected after my relationship with B became strained. I have my work cut out for me, essentially. I suppose what I am looking for is someone to talk me through it or to help me see what is going wrong or what I am feeling. Am I wrong? I cannot see myself being with B forever, like I used to be able to. I could, however, see myself with D until I grew old and died. What am I supposed to do?

[Mino]

I'm not exactly sure where this little story actually goes, but this seemed like the appropriate topic. I've read a bunch of threads here the past several days and I really like the vibe on these forums. Hopefully, you can help me out a little bit here.

 

My name's Chris. I've been with my current boyfriend ("B") for just about 3 years now. Though our relationship is so very far from perfect, we have managed to form a loving bond with each other. B's got Asperger's Syndrome (ie, a high functioning form of Autism that essentially leaves him very self absorbed, emotionally shallow, etc). It has definitely given our relationship a big feeling of inequity. A lot of the times, it is as if I am his big brother and not his equal.

 

Eight years ago, I met my first boyfriend ("D"). I fell madly in love with him and we seemed to enter into this magical, new, and full-bodied relationship that was destined to go places. The only problem is that we ended up being separated by geographical distance and, eventually, our hearts had strayed. We always remained good friends, though, and I often described him as the love of my life (and most certainly my first true love).

 

My feelings for D never really went away. Despite getting into several failed relationships after him, I had always compared guys to the feeling I had when I was with D. Their smiles, their smells, their words, nuances, everything. I realize, now, that that was an unfair sabotaging of potentially good relationships, but I know it was something I had to do in order to really understand my feelings on people. Unfortunately, I had sort of separated my feelings for D and D himself. They were almost two different entities. When I was around D, whenever that would be - even on the phone, I felt different. I had told myself I could feel, invariably, nothing. If I had felt anything at all, I knew what would happen and I couldn't afford that anymore. When we had originally broken up, it took a very deep toll on my heart. I wasn't prepared to do that again.

 

Every new boyfriend that came and went was put under D's scrutinizing eye. He was, after all, one of my best friends. A person I kept close because it felt "right" for him to be there. The problem is that this time he was not at all happy with my choice in a man. I am not entirely sure why he does not like B, but he has told me flat out that he doesn't. It is true, I have come to him for advice about out relationship before.... Is this wrong of me? His response, usually, was for me to break up with him or question whether I really loved him, etc. I'm aware that this appears to be a bit of sabotage, but I trust myself to make the right decisions in the end despite the loudest suggestions.

 

In January of 2007, B and I were having a lot of conflicts. We argued very frequently, the sex had slowed to a crawl, and our respect for each other had waned. At the time, D had asked me to come visit him in Portland. For the next 4-5 months, I had evaded the matter because I couldn't admit to him what I was feeling. I knew, in my heart, that if I went up there then, I would not come back the same person. I certainly was not ready to give up on my relationship, but I knew if I went up there that that is precisely what I would do. Due to me not sharing this fact with D, he became resentful and assumed I was blowing him off.

 

In October of 2007, my older brother Brian was killed in a car crash. It is, by far, the most devastating thing to happen to me in my life. Given the nature of my 4 older sisters and parents, I did most of the consoling with not many people asking how I felt. Given B's emotional vacancy, I was almost forced to handle the situation on my own with very, very little emotional support. Those that did reach out to me were my very best friends. Yes, this included D.

 

In January of this year, I decided to come clean to D and tell him why I chose to avoid coming to Portland last year. Needless to say, he was surprised. We ended up talking over the next few days on the phone. I let him know that I was a changed person. My brother's death had forced me to reevaluate my priorities in life. I did not want to die an unhappy person. I do not want to live knowing I could die without shoring up what I needed to. This lead to me to confess to D my original feelings. However, I was expecting nothing in return. I didn't really concern myself with the possibility of him feeling reciprocal about the matter. The problem is that he did feel reciprocal. I was bowled over. After 6 years of just "friendship" and keeping those emotions contained and simply putting him in the little box in my heart, it felt as if all of it was spilling out.

 

Somewhere along the line, D became frightened about the prospective paradigm shift that would occur should the two of us come together. Now, this is pure speculation as I am (to be honest) too pussified to ask him what he feels, but I am assuming he really did not like the prospect of being "the other man" in a situation. I believe he wants me to end the relationship on my own accord and meet him half way. This is understandable. One problem: I can't.

 

I love B. I love him with all my heart. He is well meaning, a very good provider, and he does love me so very much. Unfortunately, he is also exceedingly stressful to be partnered with. He is someone who would, most likely, be a better friend than lover. However, I have become so accustomed to his scent, his skin, his warmth, that I feel if I were to lose him I would lose another piece of my heart. Given my recent loss of my brother, it is too much for me right now. I do not want to then shift all that emotion onto a prospective relationship with D, anyway.

 

What do I want to do? I don't know. I have a lot of things to work through before I really entertain any idea of a new relationship. I need to go back to the gym again - something I neglected after my relationship with B became strained. I need to be more competitive in the work force - something else I neglected after my relationship with B became strained. I have my work cut out for me, essentially. I suppose what I am looking for is someone to talk me through it or to help me see what is going wrong or what I am feeling. Am I wrong? I cannot see myself being with B forever, like I used to be able to. I could, however, see myself with D until I grew old and died. What am I supposed to do?

Hi, well if you cant see yourself with b then you need to break up with him,,,plain and simple... I dated a younger guy before.. much younger, and even though he was perfect in many ways, i had to break up because i saw no forever with him. it would not have been fair to him to keep him. He deserved to be somebodys forever. Its selfish to keep both... Breakup with b and then AFTER wards see how you feel towards D... But alone on the fact that b is not what you really want is a reason to leave. If D is not the right person, i am sure the right one will come along.... good luck, and i hope that makes sense:)

[Stall Tactics]

Hi, well if you cant see yourself with b then you need to break up with him,,,plain and simple... I dated a younger guy before.. much younger, and even though he was perfect in many ways, i had to break up because i saw no forever with him. it would not have been fair to him to keep him. He deserved to be somebodys forever. Its selfish to keep both... Breakup with b and then AFTER wards see how you feel towards D... But alone on the fact that b is not what you really want is a reason to leave. If D is not the right person, i am sure the right one will come along.... good luck, and i hope that makes sense:)

 

 

I guess I'm just not sure if my vision could be muddied by all the surrounding situations I'm involved in. Maybe I just wanted a more complicated response. I'm not sure. It sounds so harsh to just break up with someone after 3 years of trying really hard to make it work, succeeding, etc.

[Tripper]

ST, possibly too much is happening in your emotional life.

 

From your post, it doesn't seem like you have properly grieved for your brother. It takes a full year for the sense of loss to begin to diminish. I went through a similar situation and needed to seek bereavement counseling. So this is something you may want to consider. This also clouds the other issues.

 

Reading into your post, I sense that you have always been in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you have "been on your own" emotionally, and possibly, you haven't had the time to work on and develop yourself.

 

In your current situation, not only are you emotionally stretched, but your relationship with B is stressful and not meeting your emotional needs. Far away hills look greener with D, which may not prove to be true.

 

Relationships can be hard work, and you are in one that poses even more problems. But I need to ask, what are you getting out of it?? Yes, he is a good provider, well meaning etc.. but what does he give you on an emotional level??

 

You know you can't see yourself with B in a "forever" light, yet you can with D. This kind of says it all. However how you get there is not clear.

 

IMHO, I think you need to be on your own to do some work on yourself.. to grow, mature and determine what you really need.. and want. How you do that, is up to you.

 

Lastly, I don't think you are being fair to B, D, or yourself emotionally. You are not really happy with any aspect of your situation; everyone is losing to some degree.

 

No matter what you do someone will be hurt; such is life.