Kamikaze Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back. They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him. But, for all I know he's back in the saddle and feeding me Bull! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Do I think he's in pain? ...no. Men who have affairs most of them once they get outta that daze with the OW she wont mean much to him. I've had guys I know do it, had side pieces and when it was all said and done they went back to their girlfriends like it was nothing. They told me, the side piece was just a piece of ass. She's never gonna take the place of my wifey. The mentality remains to this day. This qestion is irrelevant. The more you dwell on the affair the more you keep it alive in your head and wont let it die. Focus on your marriage, the OM is not important. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Why do you care so much about his feelings? No matter how many questions you ask and answers you get, you will never know exactly what is going on in the MM's head unless he is willing to be honest with you. It doesn't seem like you are going to get that answer from him, so my question to you is: How long are you going to put his feelings at the forefront of your life? Is it that you want him to feel the pain you feel? If so, as long as you feel that way, you are preventing yourself from moving past your pain and being happy. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I just have to share something with you and I hope this makes sense. When I found out about my H's affair, I never wished anything bad for the OW. I know she wished bad for me and held on to that resentment for a long time. Her mean spirited thoughts about me kind of back fired on her in that she became bitter and unable to move on. She never met me, didn't know anything about me, but she wanted my H and if she couldn't have him, she wanted me and him to be miserable. There were days that I actually felt sorry for her, but most of the time, she was a non entity in my life and her efforts and energy were wasted. You have no idea what's going on in their life. Don't waste your time on trying to second guess how he is feeling. Move on and do what you need to do to be happy yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 I know in my head that you are right. I am trying to move past these feelings. But, in my heart - I still hurt. May be the rejection, may be because I have loved him too many years. It has been a month and 5 days since the blow-up, which is not long considering I have loved this man for 27 years. All I feel I can do right now is get through one day at a time with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back. They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him. But, for all I know he's back in the saddle and feeding me Bull! JMO - but... If he truly loved(loves) you, he is in a great deal of pain, just as you are. If he was using you, he is simply glad to out of the situation. But... you need to get to the place where how and what he feels doesn't matter. You need to move on with your life and leave his life to him. Focus on your future without him in it. Let him focus on his life without you in it. If something should happen in the future, so be it. But make this break clean so that your future is bright regardless of his circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 Everyone just keep telling me this !!!!!! I THINK it is sinking in! I have another session with my doctor on Monday - with each one I get stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
astra77 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Everyone just keep telling me this !!!!!! I THINK it is sinking in! I have another session with my doctor on Monday - with each one I get stronger. I guess sometimes we as humans have to accept that "some things are better left unsaid as the truth is too painful to hear" Maybe MM do love their OW, maybe they dont. Only the MM knows the answer to this question. tHAT SAID, I too want to know WHAT I MEANT TO MY XMM - though i dont beat myself with this question everyday like i used to - the question us OW REALLY need to ask ourselves is " DO WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW ??? " As I said some things are better left unsaid as the truth is WAY too painful to hear rings true in both circumstances. ALL OW - ask yourself this - this is what i now ask myself Question 1 Do you REALLY want him to tell you that he USED you for sex? OW, You may SUSPECT this is true and it kills you, but if your MM CONFIRMS this, are you not only making yourself FEEL SO MUCH worse? Question 2. Do you REALLY want him to tell you that he LOVES you, BUT for X, Y, Z reasons he cant continue to be with you? AGAIN if MM CONFIRMS this, are you not only making yourself FEEL SO MUCH worse? BEING AN OW IS A LOOSE/LOOSE SITUATION, WE AINT NEVER GONNA WIN Trust me - I KNOW that we want reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations of our worth in the MM's life, but sometimes we have to ACCEPT that the reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations etc may not actually be helpful and it's actually best to keep moving on, let sleeping dogs lie and not open up a fresh can of worms to torture ourselves further. We got caught up in a destructive situation, now lets get out of it and be healthy and happy as life is too short not too. Link to post Share on other sites
me003 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 BEING AN OW IS A LOOSE/LOOSE SITUATION, WE AINT NEVER GONNA WIN Trust me - I KNOW that we want reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations of our worth in the MM's life, but sometimes we have to ACCEPT that the reasons, explanations, rationalisations, validations etc may not actually be helpful and it's actually best to keep moving on, let sleeping dogs lie and not open up a fresh can of worms to torture ourselves further. We got caught up in a destructive situation, now lets get out of it and be healthy and happy as life is too short not too. Totally agree with the above statement. When people get into an A they hurt everyone not just the W or H. (but all of you already know this) The reality is this.... How many OW end up with MM after Dday???? Not many... so there is really no gold at the end of the rainbow. Stop lying to yourself and see the A for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I just wish I knew what he (xMM) was feeling/thinking. The last time we spoke he said he would always love me, always miss me, but he had to put me back in that hidden place in his heart in order to get his children back. They did not call or send a card to him on his 60th birthday, or on Father's Day and I know he is very upset that they are NC with him. So they disowned their father for screwing around on their mother? Doesn't surprise me. I have a friend who, to this day more than 15 years ago, will not speak or has seen his mother because of what she did to his dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 So they disowned their father for screwing around on their mother? Doesn't surprise me. I have a friend who, to this day more than 15 years ago, will not speak or has seen his mother because of what she did to his dad. I think that is very sad. I can see this happening if there were real physical or emotional abuse but not just because one of the OS fell in love with someone else - after having a terrible marriage for many years. I wanted my father to leave my mother. She was a terrible person, made his life a living hell, then he died at 60 years old not having taken 1 single vacation his entire life. Life is just too short to live it this way. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I wanted my father to leave my mother. She was a terrible person, made his life a living hell, then he died at 60 years old not having taken 1 single vacation his entire life. Life is just too short to live it this way. I can't tell you how many similar stories I've heard. Men staying their entire lives in bad marriages because of some misguided sense of duty - and not always with an OW on the scene. I have a couple of colleagues doing it even now. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I can't tell you how many similar stories I've heard. Men staying their entire lives in bad marriages because of some misguided sense of duty - and not always with an OW on the scene. I have a couple of colleagues doing it even now. A man who really wanted to leave the marriage for himself and his own self peservation would. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 A man who really wanted to leave the marriage for himself and his own self peservation would. Spend a bit of time on the Marriage and Lifetime Partnerships forum and you'll see that that that, sadly, isn't always the case. Threads like Lanky / LankyGuy's illustrate how difficult it is for someone who's trapped to extricate themselves, even when they know it's the sensible thing to do. (And no there's no OW involved in that one, either.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Spend a bit of time on the Marriage and Lifetime Partnerships forum and you'll see that that that, sadly, isn't always the case. Threads like Lanky / LankyGuy's illustrate how difficult it is for someone who's trapped to extricate themselves, even when they know it's the sensible thing to do. (And no there's no OW involved in that one, either.) Thank you for the tip about the other thread. I will read there also. Tomorrow is the 4th - and I plan to have fun this weekend, NC with xMM, and really try to distract myself. Then on Monday I have a session with my doctor. I feel better today. Starting to rebuild my self-esteem. It is my life Da** it - and I am going to take it back. Have a great 4th of July! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Kamikaze Of course he is in pain, just because he did what he did and had to turn his attention back to his marriage it does not mean he is not suffering inside. Speaking from experience just the other day my ex and I were talking about what it was like to be apart after we broke up on. (I have this morbid obessesion with wanting to know what happened in that year he went back I don't dare ask him intimate questions I skirt around the topic and he offers information, I don't feel right asking him to tell in detail what was like but I just can't imagine how people do that!?) The other thing is I don't like talking to him about this since it is a very painful memory and it is almost like I burried it and never want to revisit that pain again, so I totally empathise with you Kami. Anyway he tells me he was like a living zombie. Going through the motions and trying to get his head around what he had to face at home, and it was just so much for him to deal with. He told me there was not ONE day that he stopped thinking about me, every day he would check his email and phone hoping I would contact him and nothing (DUHHHH) anyway in time it got more bearable but it was death for quite sometime and having to put on a face of "recovery" to deal with his W made it even harder. He says he would cry in silence when he could neak off to do it, feeling so messed up and guilty for having hurt me AND his W and ultimately HIMSELF for depriving himself of true happiness which he knew was not by his W's side, but he felt the remorse of what he did so deep he felt out of duty and pennance for hurting her as he did that the was the choice he HAD to make. well time proved otherwise since he could not stay in this state of comfrotable numbness for much longer before he would lose his mind. It eats away at you. Unless he is a callous cold machine of a person, it is not easy Kami, for what it is worth I think he is suffering for SURE. BEING AN OW IS A LOOSE/LOOSE SITUATION, WE AINT NEVER GONNA WIN I hope you meant lose/lose when I first read it I thought you were being critical of the morals behind people who are in affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Kamikaze Of course he is in pain, just because he did what he did and had to turn his attention back to his marriage it does not mean he is not suffering inside. Speaking from experience just the other day my ex and I were talking about what it was like to be apart after we broke up on. (I have this morbid obessesion with wanting to know what happened in that year he went back I don't dare ask him intimate questions I skirt around the topic and he offers information, I don't feel right asking him to tell in detail what was like but I just can't imagine how people do that!?) The other thing is I don't like talking to him about this since it is a very painful memory and it is almost like I burried it and never want to revisit that pain again, so I totally empathise with you Kami. Anyway he tells me he was like a living zombie. Going through the motions and trying to get his head around what he had to face at home, and it was just so much for him to deal with. He told me there was not ONE day that he stopped thinking about me, every day he would check his email and phone hoping I would contact him and nothing (DUHHHH) anyway in time it got more bearable but it was death for quite sometime and having to put on a face of "recovery" to deal with his W made it even harder. He says he would cry in silence when he could neak off to do it, feeling so messed up and guilty for having hurt me AND his W and ultimately HIMSELF for depriving himself of true happiness which he knew was not by his W's side, but he felt the remorse of what he did so deep he felt out of duty and pennance for hurting her as he did that the was the choice he HAD to make. well time proved otherwise since he could not stay in this state of comfrotable numbness for much longer before he would lose his mind. It eats away at you. Unless he is a callous cold machine of a person, it is not easy Kami, for what it is worth I think he is suffering for SURE. I hope you meant lose/lose when I first read it I thought you were being critical of the morals behind people who are in affairs. Interesting that you made the comment about him being "comfortably numb." When we first started talking again 11 months ago - he said the song - "Comfortably Numb" was his life with his W. Now he says if he can just get back to that point - so he can have his kids and grandkids back in his life - he will be ok. Strange! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Interesting that you made the comment about him being "comfortably numb." When we first started talking again 11 months ago - he said the song - "Comfortably Numb" was his life with his W. Now he says if he can just get back to that point - so he can have his kids and grandkids back in his life - he will be ok. Strange! Yes for some men that is a realistic aspiration the highs and lows of being in an affair are just too much to handle emtionally.That was the case with my ex he couldn't handle the stress of the extreme highs and lows. BUT once he went back to feeling that comfortable numbness as a long term state, and having lived the highs of being with someone who made him feel so much inside and out, he just could not settle for that again. My guy doesn't have kids so I think it is "easier" than it is for someone who has kids and grandkids. Wow that's walking away from an entire life K! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Yes for some men that is a realistic aspiration the highs and lows of being in an affair are just too much to handle emtionally.That was the case with my ex he couldn't handle the stress of the extreme highs and lows. BUT once he went back to feeling that comfortable numbness as a long term state, and having lived the highs of being with someone who made him feel so much inside and out, he just could not settle for that again. My guy doesn't have kids so I think it is "easier" than it is for someone who has kids and grandkids. Wow that's walking away from an entire life K! Yes, it is his entire life - 37 years. But, I have been part of that life for almost 30. Only time will tell. He also once told me he was afraid of ending up old and alone. I feel he believes if he left his current life this would happen. None of us can tell the future. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I think that is very sad. I can see this happening if there were real physical or emotional abuse but not just because one of the OS fell in love with someone else - after having a terrible marriage for many years. In my buddy's case it was a matter of the mother just bored with being with the same man for her entire life. If she left him because he was an abusive pr!ck or something, that would have been one thing. His dad is good man and thats why he won't speak to his mother to this day. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Why must cheating be justified when you women claim oh it must be emotional abuse!!!!??? WTFFF?????? I hate that emotional abuse excuse!!! Cheating does happen in good marriages especially if one of them becomes greedy!!! selfish! and a cakeeater! I've seen great marriages mess up because the female got bored, saw excitement and wanted just a taste. And they would admit that they husband never hurt them. So where's the emotional abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Kamikaze Of course he is in pain, just because he did what he did and had to turn his attention back to his marriage it does not mean he is not suffering inside. Speaking from experience just the other day my ex and I were talking about what it was like to be apart after we broke up on. (I have this morbid obessesion with wanting to know what happened in that year he went back I don't dare ask him intimate questions I skirt around the topic and he offers information, I don't feel right asking him to tell in detail what was like but I just can't imagine how people do that!?) The other thing is I don't like talking to him about this since it is a very painful memory and it is almost like I burried it and never want to revisit that pain again, so I totally empathise with you Kami. Anyway he tells me he was like a living zombie. Going through the motions and trying to get his head around what he had to face at home, and it was just so much for him to deal with. He told me there was not ONE day that he stopped thinking about me, every day he would check his email and phone hoping I would contact him and nothing (DUHHHH) anyway in time it got more bearable but it was death for quite sometime and having to put on a face of "recovery" to deal with his W made it even harder. He says he would cry in silence when he could neak off to do it, feeling so messed up and guilty for having hurt me AND his W and ultimately HIMSELF for depriving himself of true happiness which he knew was not by his W's side, but he felt the remorse of what he did so deep he felt out of duty and pennance for hurting her as he did that the was the choice he HAD to make. well time proved otherwise since he could not stay in this state of comfrotable numbness for much longer before he would lose his mind. It eats away at you. Unless he is a callous cold machine of a person, it is not easy Kami, for what it is worth I think he is suffering for SURE. I hope you meant lose/lose when I first read it I thought you were being critical of the morals behind people who are in affairs. Well, I was wrong! See my NEW Post! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Well, I was wrong! See my NEW Post! not necessarily wrong - just that the pain being inflicted on him by his W seems to have trumped any pain he feels from not being with you. (plus he's a wuss) Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thank you for the tip about the other thread. I will read there also. Tomorrow is the 4th - and I plan to have fun this weekend, NC with xMM, and really try to distract myself. Then on Monday I have a session with my doctor. I feel better today. Starting to rebuild my self-esteem. It is my life Da** it - and I am going to take it back. Have a great 4th of July! You do just that! It's the only one you have and you deserve to be the best you that you can! (Isn't July 4th Independence Day or some such? If so, it's very fitting that you celebrate it in style....) Link to post Share on other sites
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