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Order & Chaos

Out of curiousity, are the majority of exit affairs EA or PA? I keep reading that they have the lowest percentage of "survival" and can't figure out if then it would be easier to walk from an EA or a PA. :confused:

 

I would think PA as that would be, for me emotional and physical, but not sure if that would be the majority.

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GreenEyedLady

I think that they would be PA, just because it crosses such a line that can never be uncrossed, but I don't know how true it is.

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For a man? Definitely a PA. Actually, it would probably be a PA for a woman, too, to leave her M. For both, I think the biggest compeller is the double-whammy, a PA and an EA... and falling in love with the OP.

 

But I've always thought of Exit Affairs as having everything to do with the CS's intentions. They're looking for a soft lap to fall in as they're leaving the M -- "the bridge" if you will. It's not necessarily about leaving for the OP.

 

And I think this is precisely why Exit Affairs don't usually last as permanent relationships -- because they're thought of, from the very beginning, as "the bridge." The purpose of crossing a bridge is to get to the other side. Once you've crossed it, you keep on gettin' it, leaving it far behind. You have no more use for "the bridge."

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I would say PA / EA combo, for both men and women.

I would have to agree. I think it would be both for the women and at least PA for the man.

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But I've always thought of Exit Affairs as having everything to do with the CS's intentions. They're looking for a soft lap to fall in as they're leaving the M -- "the bridge" if you will. It's not necessarily about leaving for the OP.

 

I think the difficulty arises in that those intentions are not always conscious - the MP wants out, uses the opportunity of the A to achieve that, and then realises that it wasn't about the people, it was about the structure. Many tears all round.

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Order & Chaos
I think the difficulty arises in that those intentions are not always conscious - the MP wants out, uses the opportunity of the A to achieve that, and then realises that it wasn't about the people, it was about the structure. Many tears all round.

 

That is what I was thinking. I am just not that sure people are so self aware that they understand that they are looking for a "bridge" to get out of the marriage especially since they are most likely so disconnected in the marriage that they are out of touch with themselves already.

 

I wonder at what point does the realization becomes evident that the "bridge" is a bridge and not about the other person? I mean I would assume that when it is started they really think it is about the individual and at some point the fog starts to clear.

 

And do the exit affairs have the lowest success rate b/c of all the stress and drama of the ending of a marriage(s)? A new relationship is so frail in a healthy state, adding all of these other factors would be a major strain.

 

And, on that vein, what affairs have high success rates!?! I guess I don't understand the stats since it would seem like if one is going to "succeed" then it would be an exit affair for someone.

 

Thanks so much in my musings. :) Just finding these stuff interesting.

 

I found out a few years ago my mother had had an affair with a married man she had been involved with in the past. My parents stayed together but they were already toxic before the affair, worst afterwards. Been talking to my dad about it, the final end of their marriage years later, the lines that he drew for himself, etc.

 

I feel for both of them, knew that they were just looking for happiness and for misguided reason stayed together and miserable for decades. Luckily they are happy now and better friends than during their marriage.

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Lookingforward

I think men are more likley to have the classic "exit affair" than women as from reading many threads on here it seems that it is the MM that "needs" to have someone there waiting before they can take the leap to leave their M, even when there are many valid reasons for dissolving that union.

 

Woman seem to be more likely to leave a toxic M on their own.

 

Just my take anyway.

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My wife's EA was definitely intended to be an exit affair. And her EA would have immediately become PA had she got on the plane and met with him as she'd planned.

 

Luckily, it didn't work out that way.

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Exit affairs imply more than they mean. MM don't have affairs to enable us to divorce. We have affairs for the usually hot affair sex. Most guys are not that premeditated about the whole thing. Men are simple creatures.

 

I had a 3 year PA, which continued as an EA for 2 more years. I was married and so was my lover.

 

I ended the affair and 2 years later ended my marriage.I didn't need another woman to cushion the blow (or fall). My ex-affair partner (I believe) remains married and my ex-wife and I get along very, very well.

 

And I'm very happy being single. Most of all, I'm happy about not being in an affair.It's been 4 years and counting since I've seen the MW, and I miss her not.

 

Never again.

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Lookingforward
Exit affairs imply more than they mean. MM don't have affairs to enable us to divorce. We have affairs for the usually hot affair sex. Most guys are not that premeditated about the whole thing. Men are simple creatures.

 

I had a 3 year PA, which continued as an EA for 2 more years. I was married and so was my lover.

 

I ended the affair and 2 years later ended my marriage.I didn't need another woman to cushion the blow (or fall). My ex-affair partner (I believe) remains married and my ex-wife and I get along very, very well.

 

And I'm very happy being single. Most of all, I'm happy about not being in an affair.It's been 4 years and counting since I've seen the MW, and I miss her not.

 

Never again.

 

But are you "typical" ? SOME men do have affairs to help them "exit" the M.

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I'm probably not typical. I have noticed that some middle-aged men are weenies. By that I mean they leave their wives, spend 2 weeks dating, sleep with a woman, and end up marrying her. Its as if they can't stand to live and sleep alone. In my view, they're wusses.

 

If by exit affair one means that a MM with premeditation embarks on an affair to provide an excuse to leave the wife and kids, I don't believe it's common. What often happens is the MM has the affair, unfavorably compares his wife to the OW and his marriage to the affair, and then jumps out of the marriage onto the lap of the OW. The OW gives the MM an emotional parachute which he uses to drop out of his marriage, and she also provides a safe, convenient drop zone.

 

Unfortunately, once the MM lands safely, he no longer needs the OW. He can then date around, and trade-up. In a way it's a two-for-one, a double betrayal:the MM betrays the wife and the OW.

 

Life isn't fair.

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nope - it just IS

 

Til its not...but lets not get into that...that's religion, and a whole DIFFERENT can o' worms! :)

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Lookingforward
Til its not...but lets not get into that...that's religion, and a whole DIFFERENT can o' worms! :)

 

well you gotta live like this is the only life you get, no ?

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well you gotta live like this is the only life you get, no ?

 

No arguments from me there! This is how I live.

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What often happens is the MM has the affair, unfavorably compares his wife to the OW and his marriage to the affair, and then jumps out of the marriage onto the lap of the OW. The OW gives the MM an emotional parachute which he uses to drop out of his marriage, and she also provides a safe, convenient drop zone.

 

This resonates with my understanding - and experience - of the term. I've had a few As where guys have done just that: compared the A with the M and dumped the M, wanting to take up with the OW (me) - only instead of a "safe, convenient drop zone" they found a hostile prickly pear waiting because that was so not what I was up for and so they promptly got dumped and landed up alone.

 

Grogster I would agree with you on the age thing, on the evidence of my experience - I definitely think older guys who have built up a lifestyle, assets and usually a family are reluctant (or terrified) to walk away from that to nothing, and have to start from scratch all over again. It's easier for younger guys who don't yet have that hug investment to write off. Then again, guys who are even older - or who've had a health scare that alerts them to their mortality - once again seem more like younger guys in the risks they're willing to take - they see their time running out and they're not willing to waste the last years of their life shackled to someone they see as a burden rather than a source of energy.

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This resonates with my understanding - and experience - of the term. I've had a few As where guys have done just that: compared the A with the M and dumped the M, wanting to take up with the OW (me) - only instead of a "safe, convenient drop zone" they found a hostile prickly pear waiting because that was so not what I was up for and so they promptly got dumped and landed up alone.

 

Grogster I would agree with you on the age thing, on the evidence of my experience - I definitely think older guys who have built up a lifestyle, assets and usually a family are reluctant (or terrified) to walk away from that to nothing, and have to start from scratch all over again. It's easier for younger guys who don't yet have that hug investment to write off. Then again, guys who are even older - or who've had a health scare that alerts them to their mortality - once again seem more like younger guys in the risks they're willing to take - they see their time running out and they're not willing to waste the last years of their life shackled to someone they see as a burden rather than a source of energy.

 

That's an interesting observation, OWoman. I know of the long time married couple--50 years--and they're both in their 70's. Hubby has ED and bladder cancer. Nevertheless, about a year ago he just walked out of the marriage, bought a new home and hangs out with this youngish swinging couple. The wife and adult child are in a state of shock.

 

But the old, ill codger wants to play with the time he has left.

 

Eros makes people do strange things.

 

So you have rejected affair partners who've left their marriages for you. Did they forcast this behavior? Did they know that you were going to reject them once they became marital refugees? Were they desperate, or just stupid?

 

One should never leave a marriage for another person.

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So you have rejected affair partners who've left their marriages for you. Did they forcast this behavior? Did they know that you were going to reject them once they became marital refugees? Were they desperate, or just stupid?

 

I was always very clear about what I wanted, and the terms of the engagement. They chose to believe otherwise, so yes, they were stupid. Perhaps desperate too - I didn't stick around to find out. I'm no social worker.

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I was always very clear about what I wanted, and the terms of the engagement. They chose to believe otherwise, so yes, they were stupid. Perhaps desperate too - I didn't stick around to find out. I'm no social worker.

 

No, you're not. :)

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One should never leave a marriage for another person.

 

I agree! I think it's a form of escaping oneself and one's own problems just like an affair is.

 

It's compounding problems if you ask me.

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I agree! I think it's a form of escaping oneself and one's own problems just like an affair is.

 

It's compounding problems if you ask me.

 

Perhaps yours was. None of mine have been, as I've had no "problems" I needed to escape from.

 

(and sometimes the "other person" the CS dumps their BS for is themselves. Which doesn't compound problems, it starts to address them.)

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White Flower
My wife's EA was definitely intended to be an exit affair. And her EA would have immediately become PA had she got on the plane and met with him as she'd planned.

 

Luckily, it didn't work out that way.

I'm very curious Owl. Would you have forgiven her if her A had turned PA?
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That is a VERY good question, WF.

 

Had it been PA before I "caught on"...perhaps. In truth, I'm not 100% sure either way on that one...probably one of those "would have to see when/if I get there" things.

 

In her case, they'd not had the chance to go to PA since he lived several states away...but he purchased tickets for her to fly there and live with him on d-day.

 

I would NOT have forgiven her if she'd got on that plane. I made that crystal clear to her. Had she gone...knowing what that would have done to me...being forced to consider up front what that would do to me since I knew about the affair...I would not have forgiven her.

 

She knew that...it was part of what popped her "affair fantasy" bubble. I spelled out to her very, VERY clearly that we had a chance to reconcile up to that point...but beyond that point, there would be NOTHING between us...no friendship, no family relationships...NOTHING.

 

She realized then that she'd been keeping this belief that I'd still be some part of her life after she went to be with OM. She hadn't thought about the fact that I'd be so hurt that I would NOT forgive at some point. She figured I'd be her friend at least...and I don't think she ever gave thought to the fact that OM would never have trusted that friendship either.

 

In my situation, I drew a "line in the sand". I made it clear that there was a boundary...a limit on how far I would fight. She knows me well...I NEVER draw a line I'm not fully intending to keep.

 

I'll also be honest...had it gone PA prior to my finding out...I think its very possible I would have been far, far more....unreasonable...in my response. I very well might have done something drastic in that case.

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mopar crazy

According to my WH he said they did not have sex until after I kicked him out of the martial home. He said he wanted a D so I told him to get out. He asked if I could give him a couple days to find a place. The day after he told me he wanted a D I heard from two friends he was having an A w/a co-worker. Of course he lied. He moved out about three days later and that is when he said it turned into a PA.

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pythonshoes
According to my WH he said they did not have sex until after I kicked him out of the martial home. He said he wanted a D so I told him to get out. He asked if I could give him a couple days to find a place. The day after he told me he wanted a D I heard from two friends he was having an A w/a co-worker. Of course he lied. He moved out about three days later and that is when he said it turned into a PA.

 

of coarse he lied to you. believe it or not we MM don't really want to hurt our wives. we did love and care for them at one time.

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