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I have posted other threads about MM and our situation but I need help with something a little different.

 

MM/OM is currently separated as am I. Everytime we spend time together I get phone calls from my STBX or my family that inturupt everything we do. I try and turn my phone off, but they just keep calling and if I don't answer then sometimes they will just show up at my house. When STBX has the kids I try and be accessible because of the kids, but STBX seems to use this as an excuse to talk to me. MM gets very frusterated with the situation but knows that we have to have contact because of the kids. STBX is still feuding over the situation and always wants to "talk" about it. I think he is trying to push OM out of my life by being a pest. What can I do to stop the madness? I don't want to be downright hateful about it because I'm afraid STBX would then try and fight me for custody of the kids (he uses this like blackmail).

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Honestly, other than involving the lawyers or police, I don't see much that you can do about it.

 

You can't possibly be surprised that your H is acting the way he is, can you?

 

He's hurt, shocked, and his entire world has just been upchucked over his head. He's fighting for his family, his marriage, his world in the only way he knows how.

 

I'd suggest mediation immediately to work out how to handle contact between the two of you. Realize that there will always be contact between the two of you due to the kids...and that the continued contact between you and your STBX will probably always be a source of pain and contention between you and your OM/MM.

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decide what your boundaries are in this situation and state them clearly to stbxh.

 

if you are clear - then there should be no reason to be interrupted when he has them - unless there is an emergency.

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OP, why would "your family" try to disrupt your personal life? I understand the psychology of the STBX, but your own family?

 

Since you have a legal separation, I'll assume child custody and visitation has been settled. Beyond his legally stipulated visitation rights, he has no reason or right to invade your personal space. Perhaps a RO might get his attention. :)

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Chrome Barracuda
OP, why would "your family" try to disrupt your personal life? I understand the psychology of the STBX, but your own family?

 

Since you have a legal separation, I'll assume child custody and visitation has been settled. Beyond his legally stipulated visitation rights, he has no reason or right to invade your personal space. Perhaps a RO might get his attention. :)

 

A restraining order??!?! Are you F-ing serious!

 

I'm letting you know now if you go down that route you will start a war. I know many men have been falsely accused by women and had restraining orders put on them under false pretences and let me tell you something. If a lawyer in a court of law can prove you falsified the charges it will backfire on you!

 

All that just to continue your affair? WTF

 

You are breaking the marriage apart! That is for certain. If you dont want to come back to the marriage then fine but you know what dont blame him for wanting to have his family intact. He didnt marry you just to get divorce and have you mess with someone else!!!

 

Your in the damn fog. but hey it's all about PG love right?

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Whoa Chrome don't jump down my throat about the restraining order. I don't want to go that route.

 

We do not currently have the legal separation in place because STBX keeps changing the visitation. It is also not required in my state, but it would be nice to have it in place.

 

Yes sad to say that my family has taken his side in all of this and they would love nothing more than for him to file for custody of the kids.

 

I am not completely surprised at the way he is acting, but I also know that it is over and there is really no reason to keep in contact other than to discuss matters that pertain to the kids.

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PGLOVE, some thing to consider.

 

My wife too, "knew it was over". She was completely convinced that there was absolutely no chance of recovering our marriage. Between her view of where things were in the marriage, and the knowledge of the damage she'd done by having the affair, she was convinced it was completely over.

 

That was four years ago...and we're better than ever now.

 

You are convinced that its totally over...right now.

 

You would be amazed at how many affairs come up because of continued contact with an ex...ESPECIALLY when the ex was left in an affair.

 

Its entirely possible that things might change down the road.

 

But...for your situation right now...unless you get some kind of legal documentation in place, there really isn't anything you can do about it. These are all really just normal results of the choice to have an affair. Very common to see these kinds of things happening.

 

As far as the family taking his side and wanting him to file...honestly....step outside of your shoes for a minute and look at it from their viewpoint...do you blame them?

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Owl~ Thank you for the reply but I do know that it is over, for good!

 

I also understand that my family may not like the situation, but I am still a good mother and a good provider for my children. My Stbx couldn't provide full time for them and he knows it. I don't expect them to accept the situation but just for them to stay out of it.

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A restraining order??!?! Are you F-ing serious!

 

Just to be clear, the OP is not me and, as you can see, prefers to find other ways to deal with the issue.

 

If my wife were harassing me during/after a legal separation and/or divorce, I'd have no problem taking legal steps to stop her. That's what the legal system if for. That's why I have a lawyer on retainer. There's no tit for tat (OP had affair (I presume), now H is allowed to harass her because she was "bad") in my book.

 

I take a very dim view of people who attempt to invade my personal space without my expressed permission. I would simply use my existing surveillance system to gather evidence of any transgressions. The OP has a different philosophy. Good for her. I hope it works out for her.

 

BTW, IMO, the current description by the OP of the entire family dynamic sounds like, as you so succinctly put it, "WAR" :)

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OWL -- PG Love is "convinced" because she is living in the moment, believing that her fantasy world with her OM will continue to be just that when she gets married. I'm glad that you offered the advice to her that you did, but she appears to be living in a fog that won't allow her to understand the reality of her situation until she's burned bridges.

 

PG Love -- is your STBXH not "providing for (your children)" part of the history that you've rewritten in your mind to convince yourself that the marriage couldn't work? Believe whatever you want. There is a reason that your family doesn't support you.

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I don't expect them to accept the situation but just for them to stay out of it.

 

That's an unreasonable expectation. They're your family...they have a vested interest in you, your children, your husband, and the outcome of this entire situation. To expect them to sit on the sidelines would be foolish.

 

I also understand that my family may not like the situation, but I am still a good mother and a good provider for my children. My Stbx couldn't provide full time for them and he knows it.

 

This may all well be true. But...from the outside perspective, their view will be slightly different. From an OUTSIDE view, you may be a good mother and provider NORMALLY, but you have recently very clearly communicated poor decision making and selfish choices that were obviously harmful to your family overall. Your choice to have an affair makes your motives suspect, and compromises their belief in your ability to make sound choices for the good of everyone involved. The lies and deception that you employed to maintain the affair also are cause for them to worry about what else may have been lied about.

 

Realize I'm actually not attacking you here...I'm giving you an OUTSIDE VIEW...I'm trying to help you see what motivates them to feel the way that they do about this situation.

 

Thank you for the reply but I do know that it is over, for good!

 

What...SPECIFICALLY...tells you that your marriage is completely and totally over forever? HOW do you know this?

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Can'tGiveUp
I have posted other threads about MM and our situation but I need help with something a little different.

 

MM/OM is currently separated as am I. Everytime we spend time together I get phone calls from my STBX or my family that inturupt everything we do. I try and turn my phone off, but they just keep calling and if I don't answer then sometimes they will just show up at my house. When STBX has the kids I try and be accessible because of the kids, but STBX seems to use this as an excuse to talk to me. MM gets very frusterated with the situation but knows that we have to have contact because of the kids. STBX is still feuding over the situation and always wants to "talk" about it. I think he is trying to push OM out of my life by being a pest. What can I do to stop the madness? I don't want to be downright hateful about it because I'm afraid STBX would then try and fight me for custody of the kids (he uses this like blackmail).

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

PG, I have been in a similar situation, minus the A. My ex still calls almost everytime he has the kids (which is at least 3 times a week). Sometimes I don't answer. It's hard because you wonder if something is wrong with the kids but it is never that. (we split several years ago)

 

I have had any one of my kids show up unexpectedly (and lets just say I was thankful I was alone!)

 

I have explained to my kids that they cannot leave their Dad's just because they have an argument. They have to resolve it. I have had him threaten to bring a kid home because of their behaviour. I told him he has to deal with it.

 

None of it is easy. It is a way to keep you engaged with him. To maintain the contact. And it is hard to be nasty - I wish I could be like Carhill.

 

I would suggest maybe not being at home when he has the kids (unless you are talking days). Make him leave a message on your voicemail when he calls. Call back at your convenience. You can listen to the message to determine if it is an emergency.

 

Try and be aware of his "moods" and be polite, but do not allow him to engage you in arguments if you can help it. I could tell by my ex's voice when he was in a fighting mood. Splitting up was not his choice, and he had to go through the stages of loss. I ignored his outbursts and rudeness because it was over for me, but I understood he was still dealing with the fact that there was not going to be a reconciliation.

 

Talk to your OM and let him know you are trying to handle it. Explain that some calls will be necessary. Keep working on hammering out the separation agreement.

 

Good luck.

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GreenEyedLady

Why do you have to answer the door if your family comes over?

 

You're an adult. You make your own choices. At this point I say:

 

A) Don't answer their calls or the door if they come over.

 

B) Answer the door and let them in. I bet they'll never do it again.

 

Don't let them control your life.

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Just to be clear, the OP is not me and, as you can see, prefers to find other ways to deal with the issue.

 

If my wife were harassing me during/after a legal separation and/or divorce, I'd have no problem taking legal steps to stop her. That's what the legal system if for. That's why I have a lawyer on retainer. There's no tit for tat (OP had affair (I presume), now H is allowed to harass her because she was "bad") in my book.

 

I take a very dim view of people who attempt to invade my personal space without my expressed permission. I would simply use my existing surveillance system to gather evidence of any transgressions. The OP has a different philosophy. Good for her. I hope it works out for her.

 

BTW, IMO, the current description by the OP of the entire family dynamic sounds like, as you so succinctly put it, "WAR" :)

 

 

I TOTALLY agree with this, the ex is acting completely insane and NO there is absolutely not reason to try to understand his erratic and invasive behaviour. If he needs to talk she could meet him to talk or do it on the phone on HER scheduled time when it is convenient for HER. But to accept him to keep showing up at her place unnanounce trying to sabotage her life is insanity, and I totally empathise with you PG. He is acting completely out of line and there is no excuse for it.

 

Why do people become so psycho when it is time to let go, if someone does not want to be with you why do you need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to understand it IS OVER?

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He's hurt, shocked, and his entire world has just been upchucked over his head. He's fighting for his family, his marriage, his world in the only way he knows how.

 

 

Oh please, if it was the OP fighting and showing up unnanounced and pursuing the MP they had they A with you would not be so understanding, and yet when you get down to brass tacks both parties are fighting for the exact same thing, REFUSING TO LET GO and accepting the relationship is OVER.

 

 

This man is sabotaging this woman's life and is doing the needy thing. He may not know any better but he needs to learn like any normal human being that when it's over, it's over and what he is doing is out of line.

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bentnotbroken

My question is if your family feels like you are a good parent and role model, why would they side with him?

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pelicanpreacher
I have posted other threads about MM and our situation but I need help with something a little different.

 

MM/OM is currently separated as am I. Everytime we spend time together I get phone calls from my STBX or my family that inturupt everything we do. I try and turn my phone off, but they just keep calling and if I don't answer then sometimes they will just show up at my house. When STBX has the kids I try and be accessible because of the kids, but STBX seems to use this as an excuse to talk to me. MM gets very frusterated with the situation but knows that we have to have contact because of the kids. STBX is still feuding over the situation and always wants to "talk" about it. I think he is trying to push OM out of my life by being a pest. What can I do to stop the madness? I don't want to be downright hateful about it because I'm afraid STBX would then try and fight me for custody of the kids (he uses this like blackmail).

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Have you ever been diagnosed as bi-polar before or find yourself making lifechanging decisions on what appears to be a whim very often? Have you ever had an indepth medical examination into your mental state and fitness before? I've read your threads and see parallels between you and other posters who've suffered the affliction of mania so I'm just wondering....

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Just to be clear, the OP is not me and, as you can see, prefers to find other ways to deal with the issue.

 

If my wife were harassing me during/after a legal separation and/or divorce, I'd have no problem taking legal steps to stop her. That's what the legal system if for. That's why I have a lawyer on retainer. There's no tit for tat (OP had affair (I presume), now H is allowed to harass her because she was "bad") in my book.

 

I take a very dim view of people who attempt to invade my personal space without my expressed permission. I would simply use my existing surveillance system to gather evidence of any transgressions. The OP has a different philosophy. Good for her. I hope it works out for her.

 

Carhill I could not agree with you more!

 

Nor do I agree with Owl's view for families to meddle in such matters - if my family had ever attempted to meddle in my life in such a way they'd have been disowned pronto! I'll bet if they were meddling in the marriage rather than the post-M R the response would be quite different and the OP would be told to set boundaries firmly and prioritise the M over outside interference!

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Oh please, if it was the OP fighting and showing up unnanounced and pursuing the MP they had they A with you would not be so understanding, and yet when you get down to brass tacks both parties are fighting for the exact same thing, REFUSING TO LET GO and accepting the relationship is OVER.

 

 

This man is sabotaging this woman's life and is doing the needy thing. He may not know any better but he needs to learn like any normal human being that when it's over, it's over and what he is doing is out of line.

 

Agree completely.

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Thanks all for the suggestions and comments.

 

Cantgiveup~Thank you for your comments I believe our situations are very similar.

 

My family has always been closely involved in my life including my marriage and that has been part of the problem. It has taken me a while to realize this, but now that I do I am trying to set some boundaries with them.

 

They side with him because they are all about the moral issues. They are super religious and don't believe in divorce so I am doing a bad thing, but it doesn't affect me being a good mother to my children. Morally wrong, yes and I will have to explain that to my kids one day.

 

Stbx has been to the house in the middle of the night while OM was there and it still doesn't stop him from calling and coming over. Stbx is just hanging on to something that is not there.

 

Owl~ I know it is over because there has been so much pain and hurt that it can never go back to anything good for either of us. No amount of counceling can make me love him. I'm not even sure I loved him in the first place. If you read my past threads you will realize that we got married on the fly because I didn't want to go home my first summer in college, so instead I got married. I don't love him, actually I have no feelings for him at all and he hates the things I have done to him. He thinks that I am hard and callous, which I am with him.

 

Carhill~ You hit the nail on the head with this comment:

(OP had affair (I presume), now H is allowed to harass her because she was "bad").

 

He is constantly harrassing and threatening to fight for custody if I don't give in and talk to him when he wants or meet him when he demands. I try and be as accommodating as I can to keep the peace, but it's getting to a point where I am tired of keeping the peace and want to move on and live my life. He needs to do the same and realize that he can find happiness with out me.

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Lookingforward
My question is if your family feels like you are a good parent and role model, why would they side with him?

 

Because some families are toxic (to the person in the OP's position anyway) ?

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showupbutbroken

I have a friend in a bad marriage, family has noticed, does not want him to get a divorce. He mentioned he does all the work - cooking, cleaning, bills, etc. - and wants more of a partnership (to W and his Mom). His Mom offered to come help with it to save the marriage. My parents would tell me to kick a man to the curb if he was not what I wanted/needed and they are very religious too. They care less about appearances though.

 

Parents want the "best" for their kids, but it is often their best and not the kids best. Some are really worried about how they look to other people too. She needs to draw the boundaries with her family, maybe with the help of a counselor. They can help her learn the tools she needs.

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bentnotbroken
Because some families are toxic (to the person in the OP's position anyway) ?

 

 

Is it toxic or just saying that she is wrong and feeling like she is a bad role model. Just curios, I don't' know if her family is toxic or not.

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Lookingforward
Is it toxic or just saying that she is wrong and feeling like she is a bad role model. Just curios, I don't' know if her family is toxic or not.

 

Just my pov, but I feel any family that thinks they have the right to interfere in your M/R is toxic to the OP, especially when they are taking the stbx spouse's side - it's none of their damn business.

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bentnotbroken
Just my pov, but I feel any family that thinks they have the right to interfere in your M/R is toxic to the OP, especially when they are taking the stbx spouse's side - it's none of their damn business.

 

 

I was just curious. I guess I grew up in an era and when families were close and wrong doing wasn't condoned or tolerated. It didn't mean that they didn't love you(or my parents would have disowned me:p),but if I had cheated on my H, they would have supported him and my kids,not me. I just find it kind of interesting that we want our families at arms length, unless we need them for something.

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