Father cheating on mother...oh sh*t

[backto1]

Hey all,

 

I'm 24, just went through a tough as **** breakup and have working from home at the parents' house so it's not so quiet at my place.

 

Anyways, you know how windows has that little "show desktop" button right next to the start button? Well if you don't know what I'm talking about, keep reading anyways. I meant to click that button but I accidentally clicked on Microsoft Outlook...yea...big mistake.

 

So I see these sent e-mails saying "sounds interesting, let's meet up call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx" The xxx-xxx-xxxx was his real phone number.

 

The subject was a response to a craigs list ad like "22-26 w4m sex".

 

The good thing is these e-mails never got sent. My father is stupid at computers and I think he just clicked on one of those e-mail addresses and it automatically brought up Microsoft Outlook even though he doesn't have any e-mail addresses set up through Outlook.

 

But...I don't like it. One time he accidentally carboned me in on an e-mail that was sent to another woman. Nothing too bad was said in that e-mail but it was slightly flirty like "how have you been!? I've been great!" stuff like that.

 

Should I say anything? I feel like I should at least tell him to be more careful...I mean this stuff was just sitting there that anyone could have stumbled across it. maybe it's a harmless flirt ego builder thing I dunno... But they've been married for 25 years and I can't stand to see this type of ****.

[carhill]

Yuck. Just the thought would turn my stomach. I'd have a man to man talk with him. No man would ever (potentially) disrespect my mother that way without some input from me.

[bentnotbroken]

Tell him to knock it off or you will go to your mother. I can't tell you to tell your mom, but I would. There is no way I would allow anyone to put my mother in that situation.

[jj2007]

I would sit down and have a talk with him about it pronto! Tell him what you found, ask him if he has acted on anything yet, tell him if he keeps this up you will let your mother know.

 

That's what I would do.

[Art_Critic]

Tell him what you found and tell him to knock it off...don't threaten your Dad about going to your Mother.. Nobody likes to be threatened and you will bear the brunt of any fallout..

 

Do not tell your Mother.. you are too old to be in the middle of their marriage problems..

Take it from someone who at the age of 15 told his Step Mother that his Dad was banging another woman..

Keep yourself out of their marriage..

[Owl]

Telling him to knock it off will simply drive him to take better care to cover his tracks the next time.

 

Show the emails to your mother, let her decide what she wants to do about the situation.

 

She deserves to know the truth about what's been going on, and its her choice to continue the marriage or not.

 

Don't waste your time discussing this with your father. He'll take it deeper underground, he'll do damage control to minimize what's been going on, etc...

[carhill]

Owl's right. My response presupposed an honorable man, which my father was, rest his soul. Given the circumstances offered here, I'd put a keylogger on the computer and smile

[nadiaj2727]

I agree with Owl. I feel bad for your Mom so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I think you should step up and protect your mom, who cares if your dad gets mad at you, HE is in the wrong here. Maybe he needs a wake up call to find out what he stands to lose. I wish I had gotten that wake up call from someone I loved. Good luck to you.

[NoIDidn't]

Tell him what you found and tell him to knock it off...don't threaten your Dad about going to your Mother.. Nobody likes to be threatened and you will bear the brunt of any fallout..

 

Do not tell your Mother.. you are too old to be in the middle of their marriage problems..

Take it from someone who at the age of 15 told his Step Mother that his Dad was banging another woman..

Keep yourself out of their marriage..

 

I agree mostly, but not with the keep out of their mariage part. These are your biological parents, I assume, so they are your family not some strangers whose business won't affect you.

 

Tell Dad what you saw. Tell Dad you don't like it. THEN......MOVE OUT!! Things will only go downhill from there. If you don't want to end up in the middle you have to get your own place.

 

I do not envy you. Like Art, I informed a step mom of the same. But I didn't live with them so didn't witness most of the fallout.

[porter218]

you need to tell your mother. No woman should be in the dark about something like this. Those adds on craigs list are escorts mostly, this is a dangerous addiction your dad has fallen into. Tell your mom and then move out...the sh*t is about to hit the fan. Don't blame yourself when this happens, she NEEDED to know about it. Men who use escorts are so hard to catch cheating, is is lucky you stumbled upon this.

[Art_Critic]

I agree mostly' date=' but not with the keep out of their mariage part. These are your biological parents, I assume, so they are your family not some strangers whose business won't affect you.[/quote']

 

I wanted to clarify my point.. I slightly contradicted myself unknowingly..

 

Even by talking to your Dad you are putting yourself in their marriage.. What I meant about keep out of the marriage was if you tell your Mom you will have hurt them both..

You will become the reason the marriage fell apart...

They are your blood parents so you can't be committed to one and not hurt the other.

 

I do feel you should speak with your Dad and also feel you should not threaten to tell your Mom or even tell her because as soon as you do you will alienate yourself from your father and your Mom's life will become a mess and you can very well be the fall guy..

 

Like I said... I have been there..

After my Father found out that I told my Step mom he pulled me aside and threatened my life with a metal ruler..

He put the metal ruler up to my throat and said " shot down in flames by my own blood "..

Now.. I'm not saying your Dad will do that to you.. I had a different type of relationship with my Dad than most do but you still need to be careful of what you are doing.

[nadiaj2727]

I wanted to clarify my point.. I slightly contradicted myself unknowingly..

 

Even by talking to your Dad you are putting yourself in their marriage.. What I meant about keep out of the marriage was if you tell your Mom you will have hurt them both..

You will become the reason the marriage fell apart...

They are your blood parents so you can't be committed to one and not hurt the other.

 

I do feel you should speak with your Dad and also feel you should not threaten to tell your Mom or even tell her because as soon as you do you will alienate yourself from your father and your Mom's life will become a mess and you can very well be the fall guy..

 

Like I said... I have been there..

After my Father found out that I told my Step mom he pulled me aside and threatened my life with a metal ruler..

He put the metal ruler up to my throat and said " shot down in flames by my own blood "..

Now.. I'm not saying your Dad will do that to you.. I had a different type of relationship with my Dad than most do but you still need to be careful of what you are doing.

 

 

I completely disagree. If the marriage falls apart it is his FATHER who is fault, no one else. His FATHER is the one hurting his mother by doing this behind her back. By telling his mother the truth he is helping her... giving her the knowledge of what is really going on in her marriage and giving her the power to decide what to do about it.

 

Sorry about your father's reaction Art Critic but he was wrong. He was just trying to blame you for HIS own actions.

[Owl]

You will become the reason the marriage fell apart...

 

Nope...here's where people get confused.

 

Its the CHEATING that will cause the marriage to fall apart...not the person who brought it out in the open.

 

Don't confuse the message with the messenger.

[Art_Critic]

Nope...here's where people get confused.

 

Its the CHEATING that will cause the marriage to fall apart...not the person who brought it out in the open.

 

Don't confuse the message with the messenger.

 

I WAS the messenger once with my parents.. that is why I posted the way I did..

Owl,

Have you ever had to tell that to one of your parents ?..

 

I became the reason for the turmoil ( according to my Father ) in their marriage..

It pushed us apart for many years.. it doesn't matter who was right or wrong in that matter..

 

That is what I meant by not putting yourself in their marriage..

[Art_Critic]

Sorry about your father's reaction Art Critic but he was wrong. He was just trying to blame you for HIS own actions.

 

Of course he was wrong... that doesn't change the fact it happened does it ?

Of course he was blaming me to take the heat off himself.. again.. that doesn't change the fact that a reaction to this type of thing is consistant with the way my Father reacted..

Today.. I would choose a different way of handling it.. and I posted how I would handle it..

When you are dealing with a cheater you are dealing with someone that cannot be honest with themselves..

 

The OP cannot be loyal to both of his blood parents if he turns one in.. so to speak..

Why would someone have to choose between parents like this ? The OP doesn't have to...

[backto1]

Thanks for the replies. There's no easy way to handle this so I've decided to start out with the route that doesn't automatically burn all the bridges. I can always burn bridges later.

 

I'm going to call him and tell him what I found, apologize for looking but then tell him that this is bad...really bad. I'm not going to talk to anyone else about it.

 

We've been a really close family since forever. I always thought they were perfect, happy, a model of old fashioned relationships that don't fail.Now it all feels like a lie...Very embarrassing too. Nobody I can turn to.

 

Wish me luck!

[backto1]

The talk went about as well as could be expected considering the situation.

 

I told him what I'd found, I apologized for looking at it but I also said that anyone else could have found it and that would've been even worse.

 

He said "look son, if I wanted to cheat on my wife, I would tell her and then let her move on with herself. That craigslist stuff was something me and the guys at work were messing with because all the "girls" on there are scams, wanting money and stuff like that. After 25 years of marriage, I was just curious what it was about but it was for amusement, not to cheat."

 

He was real nice about it, didn't sound worried at all or defensive. He said thanks for deleting it and that I can always talk to him about anything.

 

As stupid as this sounds I'm taking him at his word for it. He's never done anything to betray my trust in the past and after being his son for 24 years, I've got a pretty decent read on him.

[whichwayisup]

I hope he's telling the truth, guess time will tell. But, just incase he hid the truth from you and you stumble across anything else, you might want to tell him this: We've been a really close family since forever. I always thought they were perfect, happy, a model of old fashioned relationships that don't fail.Now it all feels like a lie...Very embarrassing too. Nobody I can turn to.

 

Your words, maybe one day he'll need to hear.

[nadiaj2727]

Of course he was wrong... that doesn't change the fact it happened does it ?

Of course he was blaming me to take the heat off himself.. again.. that doesn't change the fact that a reaction to this type of thing is consistant with the way my Father reacted..

Today.. I would choose a different way of handling it.. and I posted how I would handle it..

When you are dealing with a cheater you are dealing with someone that cannot be honest with themselves..

 

The OP cannot be loyal to both of his blood parents if he turns one in.. so to speak..

Why would someone have to choose between parents like this ? The OP doesn't have to...

I understand your point of view and I'm sorry for what you went through but IMO it is your dad's fault that your relationship with him was so strained. That must be the kind of person he is and you can't fault yourself for that. I understand you are talking from your own experiences. As am I... in my experience I have learned that telling the truth is always best. I think OP's mom deserves to know the truth and if OP's father wants to hold it against him then that just shows that OP's father is not being a very good person or father. There are consequences to every decision but I think OP might realize that if he has to choose between his parents (through his father's decisions) then it is better to be loyal to his mother than to his father who is the one doing something wrong. Such is life... there are often yucky choices like being torn between our parents... but there is always a right way out, which isn't necessarily the easiest way out. FWIW Art Critic I think you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself even if your father isn't.

 

OP good luck, I hope your dad was telling the truth. When I was a cheated I lied, snuck around and BS'ed my way through everything, always very convincingly, so just be careful because as Art Cri

[Screwedover]

Owl is spot on. Take Owl's advice.

[porter218]

Don't tell me you HONESTLY bought his response!

 

If that's the case, he won't mind you sharing his "little game" at work with your mom, right? I mean, after all, it's all a joke, right? Why not share the joke and fun with your mom too?

 

If it's all a joke, why did he gave out his REAL telephone number? If it's all a joke, why did you come across flirtatious email between him and other women, if it's all a joke, there should be any (ZERO) problem with you telling your mom about this incident.

 

If it's your stepmom, you have the discretion t whether disclose or not, but this is YOUR OWN mother. How would you feel, if your own son didn't tell you that your wife might be cheating behind your back after he found out such information. Can you really face your mom with hiding such secret.

 

Do the right thing now.

 

Exactly this wasn't a joke between him and coworkers. They probably showed him this way of finding escorts. He wouldn't have given his real # if this was a joke. Of coarse he is going to deny it. I have a friend who owns an escort service and this is one of the many ways they advertise, and she says the majority of their clients are happily married older men who were told about craigs list adds by other men in their office at work. It sounds like your dad fits that bill 100%. You should either tell you mom(this would be the right thing to do) or tell your dad you know that was a lie and you believe he has cheated and he better never make that mistake again. whatever you do, keep your eye on him....he is going to destroy your poor mom.

[NoIDidn't]

I know you say you believe your father, but his explanation sounds like a lot of bunk to me.

 

Because we women (me, that is, don't know if you are or not) can be devious when we want to be, this is what *I* would do to test his explanation out in the open.

 

At the dinner table WITH Mom, I would bring up that silly prank that he claims to be doing with the guys from work and tell him about some of the crazies that I found. I'd add that some of them were local and I was wondering what responses he and his "boys" received.

 

If all the blood drains from his face or he starts stammering out an answer to you, he lied to you. If he acts as usual, maybe he told you the truth or maybe he's just a really good liar. When people look to the right, they are making something up (lying).

 

How long have your parents been married?

[nadiaj2727]

Don't tell me you HONESTLY bought his response!

 

If that's the case, he won't mind you sharing his "little game" at work with your mom, right? I mean, after all, it's all a joke, right? Why not share the joke and fun with your mom too?

 

If it's all a joke, why did he gave out his REAL telephone number? If it's all a joke, why did you come across flirtatious email between him and other women, if it's all a joke, there should be any (ZERO) problem with you telling your mom about this incident.

 

If it's your stepmom, you have the discretion t whether disclose or not, but this is YOUR OWN mother. How would you feel, if your own son didn't tell you that your wife might be cheating behind your back after he found out such information. Can you really face your mom with hiding such secret.

 

Do the right thing now.

 

I agree with this-- saying it was a joke was a cop-out on his part. Don't fall for it. MAYBE it was a wake up call and he'll realize the damage he's doing and stop, or maybe he will just take it further underground. Men at work don't sit around contacting escort girls on Craigslist as a joke... even if they do, I'm sure their employers wouldn't be happy about this. I'm sorry to say but this is showing you that his actions- even if he is somehow just participating in a "joke" at work- aren't revealing that he has a great character right now or that he is acting wisely, responsibly, morally. Whatever the truth, and of course I like most people here think he tried to BS his way out with you and you fell for it- I think your mother deserves to know. If you are married or committed, how would you feel if your spouse/ significant other was participating in this kind of "joke" (even if it was a joke, which I don't believe)? Really stop and think about it for a moment, if the shoe was on the other foot, do you still think he's doing the right thing??