stuck on a married woman

[nunyanunya]

So here it comes. I won't waste your time going on about how perfect I think this woman is for me, but facts remain, we developed a rather intense emotional and (albiet on the internet) physical connection. For me, this had been the first time i'd experienced it, and I thought I was the luckiest guy on the planet. This woman, who chose another man before, thinks I'm worth her time. Talk about an easy mark, I fell head over heels while we shared our secret spaces and words and meanings. I even flew out to meet her once.

 

Fast forward a year. Life events separated us, I became involved with someone else, she got involved in her life, and every time it seemed like wed pull away and almost move on, one of us would sent that i miss you email, and we'd kinda sorta dive back in. I know im the lowest of trash when I say that id been disinterested in my current relationship the whole time. I have no excuses.

 

Eventually things picked back up as far as communication frequency goes, but i was getting the feeling that things were changing, at least on her end. I'd frequently try to bring it up, maybe subconsciously hoping that shed tell me to move on, but im either dumb, or what, but I don't feel like I can get a straight answer on things. When ever I do sort of bring up the idea of moving on, I can tell she gets a little anxious, usually jokingly saying," are you breaking up with me" to which id always go, " no...."

 

Up till now, I've let her see my whiny clingy side, i've shown her that I can be the guy that can have trouble getting over things, or get ansty when she doesn't talk to me at all for a day or so. I hate being that guy, but in spite of that, she usually makes me feel better later by saying, "you worry too much. I've just been busy with things, you know....", but regardless, I hate being that guy.

 

One thing that doesn't help is that for the time that I was essentially not allowed to talk with her much she seemed to find herself someone else to kinda spend time on, someone else new to meet and discover, and while i sat back and watched, it just ate at me because I couldn't help thinking that I was being replaced, and there was nothign i could do about it. Yes, i know thats not a healthy mindset, again, I hate being that guy.

The funny thing is is that when I confront her about it, she swears that its just not the same kind of relationship that we had, etc etc, and that she thinks that my jealousy is cute and funny to watch. Did i mention she knows how to press my buttons, and sometimes does it frequently?

The mixed signal i read there is that she actually cares about what I think about her, or my mental well-being, why else would she care about soothing me? I think she knows that I wouldn't do something horrible like

tell her husband all about what we had (because I do talk to him regularly, funny side note).

 

Other mixed signals I get is that one of the things we used to do was share pictures and music, and the last time we traded things around, she said<" as a housewarming gift, now that you have your privacy, heres a pic of me that you can put on your desktop" She picked one of the ones I had told her was my favorite one, a platonic one of her staring sweetly in the camera, one that i knew she had made just for me long ago.

 

I know that shes married, and the details there aren't important, but im pretty sure that unless that man leaves her, or dies, shes not getting a divorce.

 

Coming off of a really bad psycho-girl-hijacking-you-in0your-car kind of breakup, i frequently fight off loneliness. Im not going back to that crazy girl, but what i've noticed myself do is that i desire to have that emotional connection with this married woman back, and lately shes been busy, but hasn't called or decided to reach out and make a connection for a couple of days (did i mention how flaky i've been about her?), and I know that this destructive cycle has to stop. Whats keeping me might really be the fact that i want to see if that connection we made will ever come back, and that maybe I really can just be her friend from now on, but I just can't seem to bridge the gap. Because here I am, pouring my heart out to complete strangers.

 

Steps I've taken:

I removed her picture from my desktop. It tears at me to know that that's not coming back.

I've stopped listening to the music she sent me way back, the kind shed sent to express herself and her feelings about me.

 

What worries me:

I will be coming into more time soon, ill be able to be online in the evenings more, which means that i will be able to catch her after shes done her daily life things and the kid is asleep. literally starting tomorrow, this can happen. But I want to be healthy, and I know that Im not. I hate thinking that I can't just calm down about this, that id be forced to throw it all away. but im old enough to know that it probably should happen. I could use some feedback!

[Tripper]

REALITY CHECK, DUDE!!!!

 

You don't have a relationship! You have an "online, cyberfriend" in cyberspace. From what you've posted you've actually only met her once. At best this is an acquaintance.

 

For all you know she's playing this game with a dozen other guys to get her own jollies. Oh yeah, and she's married.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but your behaviour is very addictive, and this is not real life, it's more of a cyber fantasy.

[nunyanunya]

well, maybe I should add that i've been talking with her for 2+ years now, and that I was literally a week away from moving close to her to start finding work. What i meant by my use of the word relationship was not that we're dating or whatever, but more like shes not just some random chic I met online. We talk about private things. I guess I just don't know how to put it

 

That said, yes I recognize that I am addicted. That I am not in love. I am trying to figure out what exactly i'm stuck on, what im afraid of. I know i could block her and cut comm with her, but I don't know why im not ready to do that yet.

 

Yes I know she could be doing this with a zillion other guys. Yes I know shes married. Yes I know i need a few reality checks. thats what i'm here for, so don't hold back.

[Lookingforward]

well, maybe I should add that i've been talking with her for 2+ years now, and that I was literally a week away from moving close to her to start finding work. What i meant by my use of the word relationship was not that we're dating or whatever, but more like shes not just some random chic I met online. We talk about private things. I guess I just don't know how to put it

 

That said, yes I recognize that I am addicted. That I am not in love. I am trying to figure out what exactly i'm stuck on, what im afraid of. I know i could block her and cut comm with her, but I don't know why im not ready to do that yet.

 

Yes I know she could be doing this with a zillion other guys. Yes I know shes married. Yes I know i need a few reality checks. thats what i'm here for, so don't hold back.

 

well you know for a FACT that not only is she married but has at least ONE other guy (just like you) on the side already......

 

damn, guys are stupid

[nunyanunya]

Fair enough, those are good things to keep in mind through this.

 

yes, I know i must sound like a little baby, because there is virtually nothing at stake, nothing to lose from walking away, her M seems to be improving, and yet here I am. I recognize that I do not know enough to get myself out of this all by myself, that I could use some advice, because if that WEREN'T the case, then i wouldn't be here.

 

so now it seems like the question's are:

 

how can I let go of these misguided feelings and enjoy being her friend?

 

Anyone else care to jump in?

[Tripper]

Ok, I don't know your state of mind, but one thing strikes me from your posts.

You are operating on 2 levels. Rationally/pragmatically/sanely you know your behaviour is addictive and possibly destructive. However on an emotional level you seem to need the drama and connectivity this situation gives you.

 

What's happening in your life that makes you so emotionally needy?? Can you channel that into some other activity?? Something you are passionate about??

[carhill]

OP, push back from the keyboard.

 

Been there, done that long before "cyber". Still feel the pain as I type this. There is no upside here. Save yourself. Don't be me

[nunyanunya]

OP, push back from the keyboard.

 

Been there, done that long before "cyber". Still feel the pain as I type this. There is no upside here. Save yourself. Don't be me

 

still feel the pain? come on, there has to be a better way...

 

What's happening in your life that makes you so emotionally needy?? Can you channel that into some other activity?? Something you are passionate about??

 

I'd like to think its not the drama i need, but the connectivity.

 

Whats happening at the immediate moment is that I just ended a (real) relationship of a year and a half, and i'm adjusting to not having someone (anyone) around. The house is quiet, bed's empty, etc... it feels easy to try to remember the good times i used to have with MW, especially because I keep in contact with her. Unfortunately, yes, i'm having trouble moving on from what used to be.

 

Also, about the neediness, i think its been a case of, haven't let her go yet, so its still burning. I haven't stopped talking to her, and thats not helping my heart move on.

 

There are probably activities I could channel (whatever it is) into something else, like work, meeting other people, life skills, w/e.

 

About the passion, well, I was passionate about her, first time i let it get that deep for me, so its hard to let go. no its not my first break up, and i've been on both sides, still....

[carhill]

still feel the pain? come on, there has to be a better way...

 

Nope. After 23 years and 15 of NC (until last year) with her getting divorced and me getting married, it's all still there. As I said, don't be me....

 

Best advice is to get away as fast as possible. Save yourself.

[Tripper]

Whats happening at the immediate moment is that I just ended a (real) relationship of a year and a half, and i'm adjusting to not having someone (anyone) around. The house is quiet, bed's empty, etc... it feels easy to try to remember the good times i used to have with MW, especially because I keep in contact with her. Unfortunately, yes, i'm having trouble moving on from what used to be.

 

Ok so if I understand this correctly, you were in a relationship and at the same time having some sort of EA with this married woman. Not healthy for the "real" relationship, I would think.

 

Also, having just exited a R, you will need time to recover. Generally this is a time that you do some work on yourself through introspection, reading self help books etc. Also a time to discover something new... perhaps a new hobby or sport. Rearranging the furniture and maybe some new paint colours may not be a bad idea also...

 

Keep in mind that these are coping techniques.. you are in "mourning" and will heal with time. Usually it takes a turn through all the seasons... ie: a year...

[Lookingforward]

find someone else to "connect with" - it's a big wide internet world out there

[nunyanunya]

Ok so if I understand this correctly, you were in a relationship and at the same time having some sort of EA with this married woman. Not healthy for the "real" relationship, I would think.

 

no, it wasn't healthy for the real one, the only explanation i can give was that at the time things between me and MW were just fun and interesting, and so i went looking for and found a tangible girl, but then things with mw picked up, i don't even begin to understand how i could emotionally provide for each of them, and I think in the end, the answer is, I clearly couldn't But the real relationship ended for other reasons. I didn't leave her for MW. I can say that with a straight face.

 

I don't know why i keep asking this, but why do I feel like I'll be losing something by cutting off MW. I know that I can't pursue her, but why am I holding on to it? Because I might be hoping that some day I can? Maybe its just me being particularly vulnerable and lonely after this break up, but grrrrr.

[Tripper]

no, it wasn't healthy for the real one, the only explanation i can give was that at the time things between me and MW were just fun and interesting, and so i went looking for and found a tangible girl, but then things with mw picked up, i don't even begin to understand how i could emotionally provide for each of them, and I think in the end, the answer is, I clearly couldn't But the real relationship ended for other reasons. I didn't leave her for MW. I can say that with a straight face.

 

Hmm.. I would think that after giving emotionally to 2 people, and of course yourself, now that both have sort of vacated you are feeling an emotional vacuum.

 

I do believe you when you say you didn't leave etc., but I think in the whole process it became emotionally damaging to you.

 

The big question is how to move to a better headspace. Let's face it, you can't go back to what was, and you can't go forward to what you want your life to be; you are stuck in the here and now. The trick is to live each day to the fullest moving forward day by day. After all a journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step.

 

What do you think your first step should be??

[nunyanunya]

this isn't supposed to0 make me tear up, god i feel like an idiot, but the first step should be saying goodbye. well if not to her, just, at her in my head, and then cut things off. i've cried enough about her, ffs...... here i go... sucks that i can't be ok with things and keep her as a friend, maybe some other time, but I know that right now im going to blow up inside if i don't change this.

[Tripper]

this isn't supposed to0 make me tear up, god i feel like an idiot, but the first step should be saying goodbye. well if not to her, just, at her in my head, and then cut things off. i've cried enough about her, ffs...... here i go... sucks that i can't be ok with things and keep her as a friend, maybe some other time, but I know that right now im going to blow up inside if i don't change this.

 

Ahhhh... now THAT is the first positive step towards self awareness. When you reach a point where you simply acknowledge that at this moment "life sucks" and you need to effect change... or else..

 

Yes, saying goodbye allows you to bring closure to that chapter of your life. Painful?? Yes.. no doubt... but necessary.

[nunyanunya]

and i've just discovered that my new neighbors love having loud sex every night on their squeaky bed whose room is right above mine...

 

grrrrrr

[Tripper]

Ouch!!! If it's really annoying and continues, make a recording of a couple of their sessions and give them the media to listen to.

[nunyanunya]

LOL! speaking from experience? thats an excellent idea

[Owl]

OK...so what "format" did you meet her online?

 

Chat room, game format like Pogo...MMORPG?

 

I'm betting on the latter...I'd guess WoW or EQ or something similar.

 

I ask, because this really does have bearing on my advice/suggestions.

[nunyanunya]

@ owl Counterstrike. not kidding. 26y/o Mw plays counterstrike. she kinda fell in my lap, i didn't harass at her like all those 15y/o's on there, she seemed to gravitate towards that and wanted to start talking out of game. one of us hosted our own ventrilo server for the longest time, sit around in it all day waiting for the other to hop on, a nice surprise. sometimes wed play on a server all by ourselves with bots. aimmed, msn video'd, emailed. etc. I was in my senior year of college, (23) so I had time just like she did, stay at home mom with a tot. recipe for disaster? seems that way.... shame on me for letting it happen, coulda wrecked her M, and something might tell me in the future that I will realize exactly how I wasn't helping things. Dunno.... Whatcha got?

[Tripper]

LOL! speaking from experience? thats an excellent idea

 

uh huh, on both the receiving and giving end;)

[Owl]

You won't like my advice, but its your best bet for ending this entire situation.

 

Stop playing counterstrike. Change your IM and email addresses, and don't give them to her, or to anyone that might give them to her.

 

This limits opportuities for resumed contact if she gets weak. And, avoiding the opportunity of meeting up with her via the game format will help YOU to avoid her if you get weak.

 

Start a new game. Something DIFFERENT, that won't have you reminiscing about her.

 

Or...get a NEW hobby to take up that time you're going to have in the evenings that you'd be logged in and playing. Take up a martial art, go to a gym, run...fishing...WHATEVER.

 

I know you don't know my story, but my wife was the MW in a situation VERY similar to yours a couple of years ago. She nearly left me for a man she'd NEVER MET IN PERSON. Was all set to go live with him, in fact. Very similar situation...met via a game format, contact escalated to IM/email/phone.

 

It was taking the very same kind of steps I outlined above that saved our marriage. And honestly, it would have helped OM recover too. I don't know for sure what he did for himself...but I'd hope that he followed something similar to help himself get over the whole ordeal.

 

The bottom line is that you need to redirect your energy into something else, and you need to change your habits to avoid resuming the affair.

 

Make sense?

[nunyanunya]

wow...... clear as day....

cs is getting kinda old on me anywho, but, wow.....

The fact that you've been the BS and are able to speak peacefully to me, an OM....speaks volumes..... I'd like to think that i have a conscience, but I think I just felt my first pangs of guilt about what I did. ps. after reading through some of the posts here, im starting to realize what an ignorant little child i am, and that this could have gone a lot worse. And thank you ALL very much for your advice.

[Owl]

Well, if you're interested, here's the link to my story from about four years ago. It can help you see the BS's side if you're thinking about expanding your viewpoint on the situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Feel free to stick around and post...ending this isn't that easy for anyone, I know.