IreneK Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I'm not the soon too be ex wife obviously, i'm the OW, not for long though. First, i'm introducing myself. My name is Irene, i'm 34 years old and I'm living in the UK, i'm an architect ,mum of 3 babies a 10 year old boy and a 7 year old girl of my first marriage and a 3 year old baby girl with MM. The divorce process is about to finish and MM will be a free man soon. Some background: The wife cheated on MM just a month after she gave birth to their daughter in October, i already knew them as one of the daughter of MM is my best friend in the world. He supported me during my divorce and i supported him when he find out his wife was cheating on him but around January things started to change between us of course, and actually MM never really hide our relationship to his wife, the woman didn0t find out until June, when i was already pregnant, and the drama began... So to make things short, the woman is impossible, she says that she doesn't want me, and my kids near hher daughter. For god's sake, the girl spends 2 weeks of the month with us in our house(key word OUR), and really what does the woman wants? She says that we should leave while the girl is there, but really that's MY house too, i paid half of it, she wants me too leave for the two weeks!She's insane there's no way in heck i'm going to do that becuase it's my house and my daughter needs her Father as well. The little girl is sweet, but the mum has been telling the girl things i bet becuase i don't think a 4 year old will be able to say racist remarks to my daughter and other tw babes, and they know. The woman also says racist remarks to me and practically tells me to go back to my country(Croatia) and she also says that my child is an abomination. What a bi&%. Sorry i'm just venting. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Sounds like that poor child has to deal with a house full of people with extremly low standards. Her mother and her father. Too bad, kids shouldn't be exposed to the mess of adults, and the 3 of you have exposed her to more than a lifetime's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 It doesn't sound like you're looking for advice so: Welcome to LS and the OW Forum! Link to post Share on other sites
Author IreneK Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 I'm actually looking for advice, forgot to add it. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Could you elaborate more on what advice your seeking? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I'm actually looking for advice, forgot to add it. What do you want advice about? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 You knew them because you and MM's daughter are best friends? So, how old is your MM? People from Croatians look pretty "white" to me according to my google searches. Are you Jewish, Black, or something else? There is more racism than skin color or religion. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 People from Croatians look pretty "white" to me :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: I'm hoping that statement is "merely" one of ignorance, and not one of malice. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 So to make things short, the woman is impossible, she says that she doesn't want me, and my kids near hher daughter. For god's sake, the girl spends 2 weeks of the month with us in our house(key word OUR), and really what does the woman wants? She says that we should leave while the girl is there, but really that's MY house too, i paid half of it, she wants me too leave for the two weeks!She's insane there's no way in heck i'm going to do that becuase it's my house and my daughter needs her Father as well. The little girl is sweet, but the mum has been telling the girl things i bet becuase i don't think a 4 year old will be able to say racist remarks to my daughter and other tw babes, and they know. The woman also says racist remarks to me and practically tells me to go back to my country(Croatia) and she also says that my child is an abomination. What a bi&%. Welcome Irene! I'm assuming the "two weeks of the month" custody arrangement is what is being requested in the divorce settlement? In which case, once it's legally in force, the s2bxW will have no grounds to interfere with the arrangement unless she has evidence that exposure of the child to her (the child's) sibling and step-siblings, and step-mother, is not in the child's best interests. And racism is not considered sufficient evidence. If she continues using the child to racially harass you or your children, I think you should lay a complaint of harassment through the courts. The child, at four, would as you say merely be repeating on what she's hearing elsewhere, and her mother would be the source she would attach most weight to, so it suggests strongly she's the source of the prejudice. The child can be involved in some kind of diversity counselling to help her overcome the negative stereotyping she's being fed, but the mother needs to be checked because otherwise that poor little girl is going to land up very confused and unhappy. The s2bxW is probably just having a hard time adjusting to the dissolution of her M and seeing her H taking up with someone else and moving on, while she's still working through her bitterness - but understanding her behaviour makes it no more acceptable. She needs to deal with her issues among adults, not involve kids in fighting her battles for her. I hope the divorce is finalised soon, so that you can draw a firm line in the sand and use the protection of the law to ensure that she doesn't overstep it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I am not sure what advice you are seeking but I will note that adding adultery to a divorce is analogous to exploding a nuclear bomb in a house fire. The Wife's response is, unfortunately, typical and to be expected. I agree the children are made to suffer due to the actions of the adults. For the children's sake, your best response is to be polite and gracious (meaning NO degrading of their Mother) at all times. Do all your venting away from their presence. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I hate reading about situations adults have created(not just here)and the children are being hurt. Whether it is through past A, thinking of A, or the A is over and you are dealing with an obsessive OP. Sorry for the t/j, it just gets to me. Link to post Share on other sites
goingforgold Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Sounds like that poor child has to deal with a house full of people with extremly low standards. Her mother and her father. Too bad, kids shouldn't be exposed to the mess of adults, and the 3 of you have exposed her to more than a lifetime's worth. Very sad but very well said, poor child! Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You need to just tell the xW in private, that what is done IS DONE. Nothing can change that now. Tell her that if she doesn't cut it out and except the circumstances as they are now then she is going to damage her own child. During those 2weeks you have her daughter just do damage control by explaining to her how hurtful and wrong those racist comments are. She so young that if you talk to her about it soon enough then she will know better. The xW needs to understand that it is time to be a responsible adult and make peace with you. You guys may never like each other but your kids are siblings and a common respect for that needs to be in place. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You need to just tell the xW in private, that what is done IS DONE. Nothing can change that now. Tell her that if she doesn't cut it out and except the circumstances as they are now then she is going to damage her own child. During those 2weeks you have her daughter just do damage control by explaining to her how hurtful and wrong those racist comments are. She so young that if you talk to her about it soon enough then she will know better. The xW needs to understand that it is time to be a responsible adult and make peace with you. You guys may never like each other but your kids are siblings and a common respect for that needs to be in place. Porter how are their kids siblings? OP and MM aren't married yet-- MM is still married to W and OP says she's still the OW. So "what's done is done" isn't really correct... it's still being done. What a stressful situation, I hope it can somehow be amicably resolved for the children's sake. But this is why I've learned it's best for the third party to stay out of a marriage and just wait for the divorce to be final. Too much added drama, and heartache, and I imagine especially for kids. I say let the marriage run its course and end in the most respectful way possible before getting involved. Then again no one asked for my opinion. Not even sure what the OP is looking for, but that's my take on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Porter how are their kids siblings? OP and MM aren't married yet Marriage is not what makes kids siblings - that would make them step-siblings - but shared parentage is. As in: mum of 3 babies a 10 year old boy and a 7 year old girl of my first marriage and a 3 year old baby girl with MM. The divorce process is about to finish and MM will be a free man soon. Some background: The wife cheated on MM just a month after she gave birth to their daughter in October Ergo, a shared parent (the father - OP has a 3year old daughter with MM, and s2bxW has a 4 year old daughter with MM). Same father = (half)siblings. Not all that hard to work out and no wedding certificate needed. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Marriage is not what makes kids siblings - that would make them step-siblings - but shared parentage is. As in: Ergo, a shared parent (the father - OP has a 3year old daughter with MM, and s2bxW has a 4 year old daughter with MM). Same father = (half)siblings. Not all that hard to work out and no wedding certificate needed. Yup, shared blood=siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Porter how are their kids siblings? OP and MM aren't married yet-- MM is still married to W and OP says she's still the OW. So "what's done is done" isn't really correct... it's still being done. . :laugh:lol. The edit button is always there for mistakes like this. The baby is born, and already 3 I might add. kind of hard to undo that:confused:. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 :laugh:lol. The edit button is always there for mistakes like this. The baby is born, and already 3 I might add. kind of hard to undo that:confused:. I think that's why babies grow so fast - to make sure you can't shove them back where they came from :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 :laugh:lol. The edit button is always there for mistakes like this. The baby is born, and already 3 I might add. kind of hard to undo that:confused:. Sorry I somehow missed the fact that there is an OC. I get it now, shared blood = siblings. Sorry for being clueless! Wish that edit button lasted longer than 10 minutes or new post LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IreneK Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 You knew them because you and MM's daughter are best friends? So, how old is your MM? People from Croatians look pretty "white" to me according to my google searches. Are you Jewish, Black, or something else? He's 57, but hey the Wife is 37 not much older than myself. My friend is daughter of his first wife(who passed). No, i'm not Black, Jewish or anything, if you want more information i'm Croatian born of Russian Parents. When she's here and starts saying those things i tell her that it's not right, and that she shouldn't say that becuase it's hurtful and you know. it's fine until she's gone and comes back and we start from zero. The wife got very very angry wih me once, like if i have taught the kid to do witchcraft. She was with my son while he was reading a book in Russian, you know with the cyrillic alphabet. She said that she wanted to learn to read like that. And you know out of fun, i taught her the alphabet and she learned fast, and of course she went back home telling her mum what she did The woman got angry with me, saying that i shouldn't teach her daughter useless things and those kind of words. Oh my god, it's just the freaking alphabet. Of course i never did that again. I've never tell her anything mean, about her mum(to "step daughter") but the woman fills the kid with bad things about me, and then she comes and ask me if it's true that it's becuase of me that they're parents are not together anymore and usually ends it with "That's what mummy says". I've tried to talk with the woman once, but she closed the door on my face so i've never tried again, becuase usually when she comes and argue with me and it't not nice. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Order & Chaos Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I am not sure what advice you are seeking but I will note that adding adultery to a divorce is analogous to exploding a nuclear bomb in a house fire. The Wife's response is, unfortunately, typical and to be expected. I agree the children are made to suffer due to the actions of the adults. For the children's sake, your best response is to be polite and gracious (meaning NO degrading of their Mother) at all times. Do all your venting away from their presence. Racist remarks is typical and expected? Why on earth, regardless of the affair, would one want to allow that to be said? Link to post Share on other sites
Order & Chaos Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Can you argue with that? After all, you're the OW. I am surprised the kid hasn't started to hate you yet. Goodness the child is 4, why would she hate anyone!?! Children have to learn hate and though this isn't the most rosy of situations, wishing that upon child is just pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts