The Scarlet Letter

[mistresswchildren]

Will I always be the OW? It has ended. It is over. Why am I still labelled with a huge scarlet A? I am so sick of it. I made a mistake. Albeit it is a mistake that not every one makes, but I think I am starting to get a little bit frustrated with people labeling me as a home wrecker. I didn't wreck their home. They are still together. I am not sure how happy they are, but they weren't all that happy before. Who knows, maybe our affair made them realize that they had some work to do. Just because it happened once, does not mean that it will EVER happen again. I am no longer the OW. For those of you OW out there that are still in your relationships, I know that you all have feelings. I have been where you are, and you are HUMAN BEINGS. I think that instead of people getting up on their high horse and preaching that these women are subhuman scum, they should really look at their own lives. Sorry, I just needed to vent. Being the OW does not mean that you are a slut. I have slept with two men in my entire life. One was my high school sweetheart, and the other is the father of my children. If that makes me a slut, then most people in the world are. Thanks for your time!

[Lookingforward]

MWC, you have to realise that for some you are forever 'branded' but don't let it bother you - it says far more about their issues than yours

[mistresswchildren]

MWC, you have to realise that for some you are forever 'branded' but don't let it bother you - it says far more about their issues than yours

 

Thanks, but it doesn't take away the sting when some tells you to "get off your back every once in a while." I am not a slut. While I know most of you realize that, I have had it with people who were betrayed (and not all of them because there are some great BSs on here) placing all the blame on the OW. Guess what! There were TWO people in that bed. I never took vows (and no I am not justifying my actions). So, who is the real slut. Me or him? He's the one that took vows and was sleeping with TWO women at once. That wasn't me. Call your H a slut all you want, but unless you personally know the other person is "loose" keep your comments to a minimum.

[Lookingforward]

Thanks, but it doesn't take away the sting when some tells you to "get off your back every once in a while." I am not a slut. While I know most of you realize that, I have had it with people who were betrayed (and not all of them because there are some great BSs on here) placing all the blame on the OW. Guess what! There were TWO people in that bed. I never took vows (and no I am not justifying my actions). So, who is the real slut. Me or him? He's the one that took vows and was sleeping with TWO women at once. That wasn't me. Call your H a slut all you want, but unless you personally know the other person is "loose" keep your comments to a minimum.

 

We really really need a male equivalent for "slut", nothing I can think of comes close........

[LakesideDream]

MWC, Some people are so afraid of making mistakes that they paint themselves into a corner. They believe they are "above all that" and beyond the things that you, I, and so many of us have. My ex was one of those. For literally decades she decryed and put down "homewreckers". Most here know her story. She spent half her life doing what she hated.

 

Here at LS there are a few who hate anyone that don't agree with them that everyone involved with a married person is a dirtbag. I wonder how many of them have been in love. I wonder how many have felt unconditional love when offered to them. In any case I pity them for their anger.

 

Don't worry about what some people say to hurt you. None of them are move valuable people than you are. They just think they are.

 

I hope you continue with your successes. You worked through a lot of crap to get where you are. I'm sure you could use some R&R.

[norajane]

You needn't worry about what people on a forum think of you. The only people you need to be able to look in the eye are your children, yourself, and whoever your next love will be. If you can do that, then whatever anyone here has to say shouldn't make any significant difference in your life.

[nellstar]

You needn't worry about what people on a forum think of you. The only people you need to be able to look in the eye are your children, yourself, and whoever your next love will be. If you can do that, then whatever anyone here has to say shouldn't make any significant difference in your life.

 

I absolutely agree with what Norajane posted. Who cares what others think of you. Those people who are high up on their horses, well there's nothing you can do about them. I wouldn't worry about them.

 

Hang in there, sweetie.

[OWoman]

I absolutely agree with what Norajane posted. Who cares what others think of you. Those people who are high up on their horses, well there's nothing you can do about them. I wouldn't worry about them.

 

I disagree. I would wear it proudly, like a medal. The fact that people like that diss you is a huge compliment - it shows they think you are not like them, ie you are not smug, narrow-minded or insular; not petty or vindictive or defensive; not hostile or aggressive or cruel. And that, MWC, is a far bigger compliment than any they could pay you by simpering at you.

 

You're a better person than those who seek to put you down. Don't forget that.

[Adunaphel]

Just choose friends and people to trust among those who know better than putting a label on you.

[Lizzie60]

Those Holier than Thou.. preaching on their high horses.. might be hiding worst stuff..

 

Life is too short to worry about what anonymous people on a public forum think about you..

 

It's YOUR life..

[Nevermind]

1) I am sorry that people still treat you badly. People who have not been involved in your affair have no business judging you. If they do, and they treat you badly it does indeed speak volumes about their own charactre. I hope that you'll be given the chance to start over again.

 

2) Not everybody who is against cheating is cruel, narrow-minded, petty, insular etc.

 

3) I think many of the people who are so aggresive (on these forums) are so, because they did indeed feel love and had this feeling torn to pieces by an affair. I cannot speak for people in RL.

 

 

I don't judge people by one aspect of their lives and I most definately see the fault for affairs in the person who is in a commited relationship. (The other wife/man is only to blame if they were in a relationship with the betrayed spouse or something similar. Say a best friend who starts an affair with your husband. In those cases both are to blame.)

 

It is easy to think that the partners of the WS are cold/heartless/boring, but the truth is that you will never know that. So let's not paint that picture, since the image of the sinful succubus doesn't fit the OWs either.

 

However, everybody deserves to be viewed as a whole, and one action doesn't make the entire person. Hurting someone for something they did in the past is mean. So, the OP was wronged in two ways. Once again, I am sorry.

[OpenBook]

Those Holier than Thou.. preaching on their high horses.. might be hiding worst stuff..

 

This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, but it's so true. The harsher their attack on you, the more horrible their own secrets are. Something's eating away at them, and it has nothing to do with you.

[marlena]

This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, but it's so true. The harsher their attack on you, the more horrible their own secrets are. Something's eating away at them, and it has nothing to do with you.

 

My thoughts, too. You should never let people like this get under your skin. "Scribes and Pharisees"...even Jesus denounced them. Don't give these people a second thought.

[Owl]

Who says you still wear the Scarlet "A"?

 

You only wear it as long as you CHOOSE to wear it. No one else can see it. I'm not sure if you're talking about how you're seen on this site, or in person. But really, it doesn't matter.

 

If you're no longer in the affair...then you're no longer an OW. You may be a "Former" OW...IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. If you choose to post from that perspective, then that's the hat (and letter, I guess) that you choose to wear...FOR THAT POST. Or for that advice you offer a friend...whatever.

 

Other than that...you're MWC...and only then when you want to be. At the end of the day, you are who you CHOOSE to present to other people.

 

Who/what is making you feel like you're still wearing a scarlet "A"?

[serial muse]

I was also wondering this - who is making you feel like you're labelled with a Scarlet A, MWC? Is it people on these boards, or people IRL?

[OWoman]

I want a nice big scarlet A to wear. It will sure beat the "D" on that conical cap...

[GreenEyedLady]

Who says you still wear the Scarlet "A"?

 

You only wear it as long as you CHOOSE to wear it. No one else can see it. I'm not sure if you're talking about how you're seen on this site, or in person. But really, it doesn't matter.

 

If you're no longer in the affair...then you're no longer an OW. You may be a "Former" OW...IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. If you choose to post from that perspective, then that's the hat (and letter, I guess) that you choose to wear...FOR THAT POST. Or for that advice you offer a friend...whatever.

 

Other than that...you're MWC...and only then when you want to be. At the end of the day, you are who you CHOOSE to present to other people.

 

I agree with Owl.

 

You are who you want to be. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Forgive them because they are miserable people and seek to make others miserable too...

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

We really really need a male equivalent for "slut", nothing I can think of comes close........

 

 

Whoremonger is what God calls them.

[whichwayisup]

MWC, have you forgiven yourself? Once you do that and believe in "you", all of what people say either here or IRL won't phase you.

 

This is your life and if people try to label you, well, that's their problem. You made a mistake, got hurt and now you've moved on.

[OWoman]

Whoremonger is what God calls them.

 

I have a problem with that term - it still comes down to insulting the woman / women rather than the man. A whoremonger is someone who deals in / with whores, ie is tainted by association with women of dubious character. The man's character is not being assailed but by association. Whereas slut, or whore, or whatever, insults the woman herself.

 

Maybe just go with manslut / manwhore / man<insert perjorative here> - whatever best seems to fit your particular instance of the above. The intention will be clear enough to whoever hears it.

[bentnotbroken]

I have a problem with that term - it still comes down to insulting the woman / women rather than the man. A whoremonger is someone who deals in / with whores, ie is tainted by association with women of dubious character. The man's character is not being assailed but by association. Whereas slut, or whore, or whatever, insults the woman herself.

 

Maybe just go with manslut / manwhore / man<insert perjorative here> - whatever best seems to fit your particular instance of the above. The intention will be clear enough to whoever hears it.

 

 

O.K. use the Deuce Bigalow terms. Manwhore, Mangina, Heb*tch. Whatever floats your boat.

 

 

I would just like to say to MWC, I don't know if you are talking about the real world or boards, either way, why let someone else deal your cards. If you have turned away from the wrong doing and you and God are good, no human can take away from you what God granted. A true Christian is supposed to rebuke in love(I am still working on this along with my anger issues)then once that has happened, they(we) should move on. If you still feel guilt or shame, the labels will bother you. If you have moved on with your life, then break the bonds. There is now reason for you to feel any of those things.

 

You know the old saying about being to busy looking back to see what is in front of you? It means shake of the past and look forward to the blessings that God has only for you. The devil seeks to keep you bound in the past and listening to the negatives, that way you can't experience all the positives waiting for you in the future. Your life should be a testimony to overcoming obstacles that we place in our on path. As long as you let the obstacles of words bother you, no one can see your true victory.

[grogster]

Ive been posting here on and off since 2003, and I've had more than my share of flame wars with posters who malign those in affairs. Most of the bashing, however, is not against those who've had an affair, ended it and moved on (like myself). Instead, the war rages against unremorseful cheaters who are presently involved with their MM/MW--and who make no apologies for their behavior.That's when the crap hits the fan.

 

The War rages between affair "cheerleaders" and the betrayed spouses and their fellow travelers.

 

For the rest of us, most people have a let bygones be bygones mentality.

[nellstar]

This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, but it's so true. The harsher their attack on you, the more horrible their own secrets are. Something's eating away at them, and it has nothing to do with you.

 

I thought so too. I do know one person who judged people very harshly and turned out she has far worst secrets. Those secrets came out during our gala dinner too. How lovely.

[bentnotbroken]

Ive been posting here on and off since 2003, and I've had more than my share of flame wars with posters who malign those in affairs. Most of the bashing, however, is not against those who've had an affair, ended it and moved on (like myself). Instead, the war rages against unremorseful cheaters who are presently involved with their MM/MW--and who make no apologies for their behavior.That's when the crap hits the fan.

 

The War rages between affair "cheerleaders" and the betrayed spouses and their fellow travelers.

 

For the rest of us, most people have a let bygones be bygones mentality.

 

 

I agree with this. I think the condoning hurting others makes most people irritate. And if it is a choice to continue the hurting and encourage others to do the same. But, I have learned that once I have stated my opinion, accepted or not, I need to move on. People change on their own by choice or circumstance, not from outside yelling and screaming.

[nadiaj2727]

Thanks, but it doesn't take away the sting when some tells you to "get off your back every once in a while." I am not a slut. While I know most of you realize that, I have had it with people who were betrayed (and not all of them because there are some great BSs on here) placing all the blame on the OW. Guess what! There were TWO people in that bed. I never took vows (and no I am not justifying my actions). So, who is the real slut. Me or him? He's the one that took vows and was sleeping with TWO women at once. That wasn't me. Call your H a slut all you want, but unless you personally know the other person is "loose" keep your comments to a minimum.

 

Hi mistress. I understand your frustration, I feel like I'll always be an OW too. That makes it a lot harder to heal.

 

But one thing is that all that matters is how YOU feel about yourself. You know you're not a slut, so who cares what anyone else says.

 

About wives blaming OWs seemingly more than they blame their Hs, yes there are double standards but it is natural to at first blame the one perceived as the outsider/ interloper/ "homewrecker" than the one near and dear to their hearts, who they have to forgive and live with (if they choose to stay with them). And also remember that we don't live with them so we have no idea what kind of names their spouses are being called, or how mad at them they are etc. From what I've read it seems it's sometimes the case that they blame the third party at first because they love and trust their spouse and find it so hard to believe that the person who took vows with them or otherwise committed to them, that has been with them for so many years etc., could do the worst possible thing to them. But then in their healing process they look more squarely at their spouse and start dealing with the awful truth that yes, this person is not who they thought they were, this person is capable of hurting them so badly and did hurt them so badly! Mind you this is just what I've read on message boards and in books and it's just a generalization... sometimes they place the blame squarely on the spouse, kick him out right away, etc. It's all over the board I'm sure but I think a natural reaction is "why would you be with a man who is committed to me?"... so it just helps me to try to think of it from their point of view and realize why they are thinking that way about me.

 

I don't even know if it's a gender thing-- I've heard a lot of betrayed MALE spouses or S/Os, my ex fiance among them, put most of the blame on the OM, and call him names... yes, women's names have more sexual connotations but men get called names too... I think it sometimes just bothers us women more than it may bother men. We have to look at it as something they call us because they are hurting and they know or feel that they themselves could never do that to another person, so for us to be able to do it to them makes us less than human, some kind of monster with no morals. I'm sure if I were in their place I would feel the same way although I think I would blame my husband just as much or more, and I think that MOST of them do too, at least eventually... it's just their way of venting and dealing with all their pain. I honestly feel worse for them for having this happen to them than I do for me for being called a slut because I helped inflict something like this on them. And that was my stumbling block for a long time-- how can I get past what I did? How can I be someone who did that?

 

Well, I'm a lot farther on my journey past it and I've come to realize that I did something really sh&tty but that doesn't define who I am. I am also a person who STOPPED doing something sh&tyy because I realized it was wrong, and unhealthy for everyone involved including me. So did you!! That is something to be proud of and to remember when the word "slut" slung by someone who doesn't know you stings. And I am someone who has learned from my experiences and knows better now, and I would not make those same choices again. And so are you. So just remember that they can brand you however they want, it doesn't matter. All that matters is how YOU brand yourself. You are strong, intelligent, kind, and a good person. Move forward in happiness and realize you learned from your past mistakes and you're a better person because you took your power and got out.

 

PS The way I think about the slut thing is that BOTH xMM and I were acting slutty when we were in the affair. To me the word slut, although sexist, if you take it out of the female context and apply it to either gender, has an idea of shame, of cheapness, or doing something that is less than honorable or less than a person who knows what they're worth and what their values are would do. It was just plain slutty for him and I to be sneaking around having sex in secret because we were too ashamed of our actions to bring them to light, and because we were well aware they would hurt other people. And he is still slutty because he's willing and eager to keep doing it any time any place if I just said one three-letter word, yes. And he'll probably get someone else if he hasn't already now that I won't do it with him anymore. I imagine it's similar with your xMM. So HE is the slut, who continues to roll around in the muck and never climb out, I did something slutty, but I realized it wasn't for me, climbed out of the pit, took a shower, and kept walking on my merry way, bound to stay away from the pigs forever. There's a big difference between acting slutty and always being a slut. (And with "slut" I mean both guys and gals.)