Introduction and Leaving MM

[BreezyGirl]

Hi everyone.

 

First, I want to say *thank you* to all who have shared your experiences about being an OW to a MM. It's very isolating to be the OW, and hearing the voices of others who have BTDT is so incredibly useful. Thank you!

 

A little about me. I've been involved with an older MM for about 6 months now. As many of you have described, it's already become an addiction--something that feeds my self-esteem, makes me feel better. But the lows (when he's with his W or two young kids), are particularly damaging.

 

So, after reading what you all have written, I've already summoned the courage up to break it off. We will be meeting in about two weeks time (he lives far away) and this will be our last meeting.

 

What solidified it for me was when he changed his tune about two months ago. When we first started he was "in the midst of a divorce" and then he decided he was going to stay with his wife. That makes me a mistress, really, and I can't do it. I can't play second fiddle for any real amount of time.

 

But I'm worried about how I'm going to pick up the pieces of my life. I'm also married and utterly unhappy. This affair gave me a way to keep it all together--a buffer or something like that. It also gave my life some sort of renewed passion and purpose. How do I go back to not having that? (That's the addiction part of it, isn't it?)

 

Please, if you've made it through to the other side, give me some encouraging words! I'm leaving the MM no matter what, but some last minute coaching couldn't hurt!

[carhill]

Just fair warning..... Everything doesn't always go as you might so carefully plan. Human relations are very complex.

 

Do you have a MC lined up for after you break things off? It sounds like you and your H need MC to work on the M, or, at very least, clarify your perspectives and reasons for getting a D.

 

I know what you struggle with and wish you well. Welcome!

[White Flower]

Please, if you've made it through to the other side, give me some encouraging words! I'm leaving the MM no matter what, but some last minute coaching couldn't hurt!

Hi BG,

 

I'm not completely there yet, but I will agree with Carhill and warn you that he will resist your leaving him and do and say just about anything to keep you. Be strong! Remember to be true to yourself whether that means making your M work or finding someone who can value you enough to make you his top priority.

 

Best wishes,

WF.

[nadiaj2727]

Hello Breezy, I'm glad you realized you deserve better and you are leaving MM. Good for you. Yes as WhiteFlower and Carhill said he will make it difficult. He wants to have his cake and keep eating it too- just remember you don't want to be the side cake anymore and stay strong.

 

You asked for personal experiences. Well my xMM changed into a different creature once I started to try to break it off. It was the hardest thing I've ever done so far. There were so many different emotions:

 

-- leftover love

-- despair at the realization that he didn't truly love me and want out of his M or he'd already be with me

-- anger at him about the above and about other things like lying to me and stringing me along

-- anger at myself for believing his lies, for being with someone like that, for being putty in his hands for so long and then for quite awhile staying putty even as I was trying to leave, which made all the bad feelings way worse

-- sadness that this relationship that I thought was so unique and special was really just another dirty secret

-- guilt that I had been the OW when, like you, that had never been my "intention"

-- self-doubt about myself-- how could I be a good person when I had justified helping to betray someone for so long, what kind of taste did I have if I willingly hooked up someone I knew was capable of lying and cheating, etc.

-- worry that his wife would find out or that people at work would find out and hate me forever

-- fear and confusion at what I would do next, etc.

 

So I know how it feels but I started to realize that feelings are one thing, actions are another. I think it was the defining theme that I learned from being an OW. HIS feelings and actions were totally opposite-- I had to listen to his actions, not his feelings. And MY feelings were confusing and conflicting-- sometimes telling me to stay with him and have hope, sometimes telling me to run as fast as I could away from that jerk. So I tried to disregard my feelings, which I know is hard to do, and focus on other things-- my logic, my gut, and my values which had been severely eroded by my decision to be with a MM but which were still there deep inside giving me those feelings of confusion and guilt and most of all unhappiness. The guilt is there IMO to show us that we are doing something against our values and to motivate us to start doing something different.

 

So my advice to you is to try to pay your feelings no heed-- after all, following them was what got you into this mess in the first place right! So follow your logic and your gut and your values. And also to remember that the best way to do it is like ripping off a bandaid-- fast and quick and over for good. Don't let things linger or leave doors open. Just walk away with your head held high knowing that you are doing the right thing and that you are in charge of your own destiny. I didn't do it that way but I sure wish I would have.

 

Stay strong and realize that only YOU can get yourself out of this mess because only YOU got yourself into it. The first relationship you need to work on is your relationship with yourself, so I think you should seek counseling. If you want to fix your marriage then I'd also recommend marriage counseling. Best wishes.

[BreezyGirl]

So I know how it feels but I started to realize that feelings are one thing, actions are another. I think it was the defining theme that I learned from being an OW. HIS feelings and actions were totally opposite-- I had to listen to his actions, not his feelings. And MY feelings were confusing and conflicting-- sometimes telling me to stay with him and have hope, sometimes telling me to run as fast as I could away from that jerk. So I tried to disregard my feelings, which I know is hard to do, and focus on other things-- my logic, my gut, and my values which had been severely eroded by my decision to be with a MM but which were still there deep inside giving me those feelings of confusion and guilt and most of all unhappiness. The guilt is there IMO to show us that we are doing something against our values and to motivate us to start doing something different.

 

Thanks for your feedback everyone. Nadia J, this paragraph really sums it up for me. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for the last six (nearly seven) months, and I'm emotionally exhausted and ready for change. Even now, I've been sitting here since yesterday morning waiting to hear from MM, and now I'm getting upset about why he hasn't emailed or called. So, I'm making myself feel better knowing it will all be finished in about a week from now. I'm sure I'll be feeling some of the grief and grieving that you describe (I'm actually worried it will be a lot to bear), but at least there will be some relief, too!!

 

I've read a lot of stories that MM suddenly start chasing you down once you break it off. I don't have this concern because he's fairly passive in this way (based on what he's told me about the ways in which he's broken up with girlfriends prior to his marriage). I think he'll leave me alone fairly quickly, which will be a gift, I suppose.

 

Anyway, thank you again for sharing. Your support means a lot to me, even in this virtual world! : )

[White Flower]

 

So I know how it feels but I started to realize that feelings are one thing, actions are another. I think it was the defining theme that I learned from being an OW. HIS feelings and actions were totally opposite-- I had to listen to his actions, not his feelings to start doing something different.

 

This is an excellent point, Nadia. I hate to sound cliché, but actions are louder than words.

[mistresswchildren]

Alright, so one question, why do you need to meet with him in two weeks? I feel that this is a very bad idea. If you are strong in your decision to leave, then leave and don't look back. Do not meet with him! This leaves things too open. When you are dealing with him face to face, emotion gets in the way. Now, if this were a "normal" relationship, meeting with someone to break if off is the respectable thing to do, but it is an affair, and as such it needs to end with as little contact as possible. I know you may think that it will bring closure, but it won't. It will only help you to continue this whole thing. Take it from someone who knows.

 

I give you credit for breaking it off early. It is necessary to do so. The longer this goes on, the more likely it is that you will not get out until you are "thrown under the bus." Don't let that happen. Stay strong in your conviction!

 

As far as your comments about having something else, maybe a sense of hope, you need to figure that out. Maybe, MC or a divorce are in order. MC could bring you the hope that you need. Divorce is also an option. Think about it, if you really are not happy in your marriage, there is an adventure to be had by ending an unhappy relationship. You can figure out YOU. You can learn who you are. Sometimes a little bit of soul searching can really give you hope and excitement for your future. Whatever you do, please, just end this. Don't let yourself get in to deep. There are people here. When it is hard, just post. Trust me, there is always an ear to listen. You may not always like what people have to say, but it will give you a little slap in the face when you have lost all reason (this is from personal experience).

[Owl]

But I'm worried about how I'm going to pick up the pieces of my life. I'm also married and utterly unhappy. This affair gave me a way to keep it all together--a buffer or something like that. It also gave my life some sort of renewed passion and purpose. How do I go back to not having that? (That's the addiction part of it, isn't it?)

 

Here's my thought.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to renew the passion and purpose...as long as you remember that the "in love" part of a relationship is a PHASE...typically lasting around the first two years of the relationship. If you're expecting your marriage to feel the same way it felt when you very first started out with your H, you're probably setting your expectations too high.

 

With that said, if you need to find a way to work through all of this, the best possible thing I can suggest at this point is to tell your H the truth about your affair.

 

This will obvioiusly be a catalyst for change in your marriage.

 

Either this will end up being a wake up call for BOTH of you, and a chance to use marriage counseling and other tools to improve your marriage...or it will be a wake up call for both of you, and a chance to end it and move on.

 

Regardless, the worst possible thing I can think of would be to try to work through your marriage with this huge whopping issue in the middle that you're hiding from your H. There's NO WAY your marriage will recover based off this deceit, there's no way to rebuild intimacy based on a lie (even by omission).

 

So my recommendation is to start working through how you're going to break this to your H.

[nadiaj2727]

This is an excellent point, Nadia. I hate to sound cliché, but actions are louder than words.

 

Yeah, I've realized that sometimes the cliches are cliches for a common sense reason. Other ones I found out to be oh too true as a result of the A is "look before you leap" and "fools rush in" (kind of go hand in hand). I realize that xMM doesn't think things through. I don't know if it's just the place he's in right now or if it's just a general personality trait, but he saw me, decided he wanted me, and went for me... telling me one thing and his wife another. When he realized he couldn't have both he moved out but he still TRIED To have both. He didn't think about the consequences of his actions and how hard it would be to completely separate himself from his marriage.

 

I don't blame him for any of that anymore, I just realize, it is what it is. But it definitely taught me that *I* need to look before I leap and don't rush in... next time I really want something I will think it all through before I grab it without thinking about the repurcussions.

 

Hope things are still going well for you WF. Sorry for the t/j. BreezyGirl I hope you remain strong and consistent for your meeting in a week, so that you can put this emotional turmoil and drama behind you and no longer be sitting around waiting for him to email or call you. Get out there and live girl.

[BreezyGirl]

Alright, so one question, why do you need to meet with him in two weeks? I feel that this is a very bad idea. If you are strong in your decision to leave, then leave and don't look back. Do not meet with him! This leaves things too open. When you are dealing with him face to face, emotion gets in the way. Now, if this were a "normal" relationship, meeting with someone to break if off is the respectable thing to do, but it is an affair, and as such it needs to end with as little contact as possible. I know you may think that it will bring closure, but it won't. It will only help you to continue this whole thing. Take it from someone who knows.

 

I give you credit for breaking it off early. It is necessary to do so. The longer this goes on, the more likely it is that you will not get out until you are "thrown under the bus." Don't let that happen. Stay strong in your conviction!

 

As far as your comments about having something else, maybe a sense of hope, you need to figure that out. Maybe, MC or a divorce are in order. MC could bring you the hope that you need. Divorce is also an option. Think about it, if you really are not happy in your marriage, there is an adventure to be had by ending an unhappy relationship. You can figure out YOU. You can learn who you are. Sometimes a little bit of soul searching can really give you hope and excitement for your future. Whatever you do, please, just end this. Don't let yourself get in to deep. There are people here. When it is hard, just post. Trust me, there is always an ear to listen. You may not always like what people have to say, but it will give you a little slap in the face when you have lost all reason (this is from personal experience).

 

Mistress, I agree with you 100%. It's a terrible idea. I know, intellectually, you are absolutely correct. But I think I can remain resolute and our meeting isn't entirely a desire so much as a logistical necessity (long story--planned in advance at least a month ago when breaking up wasn't yet on my radar).

 

When you write, "...there is an adventure to be had by ending an unhappy relationship," you don't know how inspiring those words are to me. Sometimes I imagine that divorce is a death sentence. One's dating life is over (who would want to date me now that I'm divorced, I wonder), but I suppose the adventure of just finding oneself again may be fabulous enough. I know I read somewhere that divorced woman are less happy with their choice than anticipated before the divorce. I suppose this is probably a thread for a different board!

 

Nadia, I also wanted to pick up on your earlier comments about feeling guilty. I so never thought I would be the one with the scarlet letter "A" pinned to my lapel--it seemed so taudry and cheap to be the OW. So, taking on this role has led to a whole heaping helping of guilt and digust--where is the morally driven, stand-up character I used to pride myself upon? Anyway, this theme also resonates with me.

 

Regardless, I keep practicing and refining my "exit speech" on a daily basis. I remain resolute! I am sure I will write again, though, when my confidence begins to wane or my purpose waver!

 

Thanks all. You're all amazing!

[melbar68]

Breezygirl just do what your head tells you to do. This coming from someone who is also involved with a married and living with someone for 12 years but very unhappy and separated from this someone. i have been with my M for a year and the longer you are with him the harder it will be to leave him. the few times i have tried to break it off he will tell me things that make me fall more in love with him in other words he will say everything i want to hear.

 

i do love him with all of my heart and i do belive he truly loves me too but then why are we not together, sometimes i want to be and sometimes i'm not sure if i could ever trust him if we were.

 

if you realy want to break it go ahead but the longer you stay the more you invest your heart in this relationship and often it doesnt get worse.

 

im very confused myself but i can tell you do what your head tells you not your heart, i know its easier said than done , but your head will lead you in the right direction