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I want to start offby saying that I believe in Karma. I know what I did was worng and maybe this hurt is what I have to go through.

 

I have been dating a married man for the past two years. His wife of 14 years read emails that we emailed to each otherhade written. She got most of the information but somehow thinks that I have a boyfriend and that the last time we were intimate was 4 months ago (lies H told her) in fact we are usually together 3 to 4 times a week. In those 2 years she had no idea that this was going on. In fact we took about 6 vacations in all.

 

Like someone else posted before I have been trying to break up with him but when I did he wanted to see me and then I would break down and go back to him. I am an educated woman but I melt and fell into his wants. I have been single for the past 2 years because he gets VERY jelous of other guys. I know I have a low self esteem here but I can't seem to break it off. We work together and when I have tried to break up he emails me or drops off cards at my door, or send me songs. He know how much I love him and he knows taht he has me and that I am weak.

 

I have never asked him to choose me over W. I have always encouraged him to spend time with his kids. He claims that he loves his W and that he love me.

 

When W found out that I was the OW she emailed me and him. She has no ide who I am but she knows that we work together. We wanted me to call her and telll her that it was not me who wrote those emails and that have nothing to do with him and that I have a boyfriend that I am in love with. I was willing to do this for him because I never wanted him to loose his family. I was willing to have a friend pretend to be my boyfriend and have both of us talk to her.

 

She read enough of our emails to realize that the relationship was VERY deep and not just a fling.

 

My problem now is that I want him to win her back and spend all his free time with them. I told him that he could convince her to come back to him like he has with me. I also wanted to break up with him so that he had no excuse to not fight for W.

Am I twisted inside? I love him very much and I don't want him to suffer. He didn't eat or sleep since W found out. I am willing to put myself out to make him happy. I know that I am wrong for having anything to do with him, but i just love him. I gave up control of my life to him. I stop hanging around my guys friends for him. I just want him to be happy and have his life back. He comes from a family where his father constatly cheated on his mom and mom knew of all the women. They are still married but not living together.

 

I am a pretty girl, nice body, good job, nice home, why am I in this situation? I have plenty of guys who want to date me, but I chose a married man.

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Why are you in this situation?

 

It appears that you have extremely low self-esteem. You are willing to do whatever he tells you, with no thought for your own needs and desires.

 

Even if he never gets his W back, you should leave him alone. He's not good for you.

 

I know that you can't answer for him, but I wonder why he stopped eating and sleeping since his W found out? What's that all about? (asked rhetorically)

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Chrome Barracuda

You deserve better, leave this man alone!

 

Go find a single man to mess with. Go into IC you have alot of issues you need to tackle head on that is stopping you from having a forfilling relationship.

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Geishawhelk

he's a manipulating, fornicating "have my cake and eat it too" lying, cheating, chauvinistic bas**rd.

 

You must be so proud to be putty in his hands.

 

Fer chrissakes woman, where did you leave your backbone again?

 

I am an educated woman......I am a pretty girl, nice body, good job, nice home, why am I in this situation?

 

Because for all these wonderful qualities, you forgot to add "Doormat"....

 

You need to see a counsellor, and you need to fight this addiction. That's right.

It's an addiction.

This isn't love. it's a desire.

A desire to be wanted, needed, validated and loved.

This man is not fulfilling any of these needs, because if he was, your confidence would be up, you'd have poise, stature, presence, attitude and honesty.

As it is, the whole thing is actually destroying you, creating a dishonest and needy creature, with no dignity or pride.

You need to do something for yourself.

Leave him to sort his mess out and look after your own needs for a change.

 

By the way:

I know all of the above will have absolutely no effect on you whatsoever.

You're likely to wail in protest about how wonderful he makes you feel, and about how mixed up you are...

That's BS.

Basically, your addicition is making you think he's wonderful, and your guilt and common sense are what's making you feel mixed up.

Try doing the right thing for once.

Be led by your mind, and not his prick.

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Why are you in this situation?

 

It appears that you have extremely low self-esteem. You are willing to do whatever he tells you, with no thought for your own needs and desires.

 

 

I know that you can't answer for him, but I wonder why he stopped eating and sleeping since his W found out? What's that all about? (asked rhetorically)

 

I mentioned that I had a low self esteem. Before he came along I was dating a guy who I let into my life and he deposited checks that bounce into my account. He took my ATM card and he was depositing NSF checks and withdrew $6,000. I went to the police and filed reports. I got the money back. During the time the MM was thre to liste to me and was very understanding. He is also a supervisor but not directly over me.

 

I was at a low point in my life because I was broke and he was there.

 

As far as not eating because I have been trying really end it to the point that I was not answering his calls or emails... he was not eating or sleeping during this time either (this was when I was getting the bilkof the emails whoch W read), but since he is the one who cooks at home he was making himself eat.

 

I guess he came at a time when I was low and I never got backup. I think that in a way his W finding out was for the best, He will be too busy trying tofix it and I can break free of this.

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whichwayisup

Please get counselling to help get your self confidence back. This guy knows how to push your buttons and manipulate you to keep you in his life. You have lost who YOU are by being with him. He is controlling and selfish, he doesn't CARE about anyone but himself.

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I am a pretty girl, nice body, good job, nice home, why am I in this situation? I have plenty of guys who want to date me, but I chose a married man.

I sense you involved yourself with a married man as a means of avoiding commitment. You were traumatised by the prior relationship and are somewhat commitment-phobic.

 

Take this opportunity to work with the feelings the previous relationship left you with then you will be ready to move on to something healthier.

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You don't owe him any gymnastic feats to get his wife to believe his lies. You DO NOT deserve to bear the full burden of both your decisions, just your own. I think the rule should be that once confronted by a spouse you do not lie to his/her face and cause further hurt and humiliation. I would make an non-specific acknowledgement of an inapproriate friendship, apologize for the distress she feels and your part in it, and make a meaningful pledge to stay out of their marriage and lives as they try and work it out.

 

I think the relaying of the 'details' is the husband's job, because he's the only one in this situation who has all the information and the full context. He knows what he's lied to you about, and he knows what he's lied to her about. If he is truly contrite and can spin it so the wife is not unecessarily hurt by something that doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of their marriage, well good for them. On the other hand, if this is the kind of man who will do this over and over, the BS has some responsibility to summon her own dignity and common sense and draw some lines in the sand that don't depend on the maybe true/maybe not accounts of the person in a romantic relationship with her husband.

 

You're being managed by this guy, and he's willing to have you further compromise your ethics and dignity for his benefit. While that might be an understandable impulse in someone who fears the loss of his family, the fact is you don't owe him any further involvement in his resolution with his wife. You will already suffer enough for your sins because you love him and will hurt immensely for some time. You don't need to suffer the further shame and moral erosion of directly deceiving his wife.

 

I fully expect you to ignore everything I've said, so I'll just wish you the best. :)

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White Flower
You don't owe him any gymnastic feats to get his wife to believe his lies. You DO NOT deserve to bear the full burden of both your decisions, just your own. I think the rule should be that once confronted by a spouse you do not lie to his/her face and cause further hurt and humiliation. I would make an non-specific acknowledgement of an inapproriate friendship, apologize for the distress she feels and your part in it, and make a meaningful pledge to stay out of their marriage and lives as they try and work it out.

 

I think the relaying of the 'details' is the husband's job, because he's the only one in this situation who has all the information and the full context. He knows what he's lied to you about, and he knows what he's lied to her about. If he is truly contrite and can spin it so the wife is not unecessarily hurt by something that doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of their marriage, well good for them. On the other hand, if this is the kind of man who will do this over and over, the BS has some responsibility to summon her own dignity and common sense and draw some lines in the sand that don't depend on the maybe true/maybe not accounts of the person in a romantic relationship with her husband.

 

You're being managed by this guy, and he's willing to have you further compromise your ethics and dignity for his benefit. While that might be an understandable impulse in someone who fears the loss of his family, the fact is you don't owe him any further involvement in his resolution with his wife. You will already suffer enough for your sins because you love him and will hurt immensely for some time. You don't need to suffer the further shame and moral erosion of directly deceiving his wife.

 

I fully expect you to ignore everything I've said, so I'll just wish you the best. :)

I wholeheartedly agree with 81West. Don't bend over backwards anymore for this man. You already gave him everything he ever wanted; don't let him control you like that and have you lie to his W. She is seeking the truth and wants to make an informed decision about her future. Give her that much. Don't be a sacrificial lamb so this guy can have a perfect life. It will only be a lie.

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I wholeheartedly agree with 81West. Don't bend over backwards anymore for this man. You already gave him everything he ever wanted; don't let him control you like that and have you lie to his W. She is seeking the truth and wants to make an informed decision about her future. Give her that much. Don't be a sacrificial lamb so this guy can have a perfect life. It will only be a lie.

 

OK I'm going to break ranks here and suggest something entirely else.

 

Stay right out of it. Say nothing either way. You owe neither of them anything; don't get caught up in their M dynamics. You owe YOURSELF getting your life back on track and as long as you're getting pulled into their M, however tangentially, you're going to be caught up in the A and unable to move beyond it.

 

If you love him, let him go.

 

If you care about her - even distantly - stay away and let her find the answers she needs (even if they're silences, which may speak louder) from her H and her heart.

 

Try to love YOU a little, and leave them to resolve their own issues. You no longer have a part in that - you've walked away from it. Leave it. Love yourself enough not to look back.

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Hello me003. I think it's good that you're being honest with yourself and us. This is the first step towards healing. I agree with those people who recommend you go to a counselor to deal with all of these issues. I was an OW and I'm still in counseling and it helps so much.

 

This man is a jerk. I feel sorry for his wife. I also feel sorry for you but you're at a place where you can see WHY you did some of the things you did and realize that the affair was your fault just as much as his. Good for you.

 

Stop letting this guy get away with disrespecting his wife and you. I agree with WhiteFlower that you should give his wife the truth she is seeking. You owe her that much. You participated in something that hurt her and I know you realize that-- awesome. It will help your own healing to make amends to the best of your ability with the person you helped hurt. And it will make sure your relationship with this guy ends for good-- I'm guessing he will be mad at you and won't want to be with you anymore because you "betrayed" him by telling his wife about HIS betrayal. Good, that is how it should be-- if you really want him to try to fix things with his wife then you need to have no more contact with him, period. Do whatever it takes to get you to that place.

 

I think you're headed in the right direction. I have been where you are. You CAN get stronger and do the right thing from here on out, and be happier. :) Please get counseling and tell his wife the truth! Then step away and for your own good have no more contact with her (and him of course). Start your life over as an independent woman who knows better than to sneak around with another woman's husband and allow some lying cheat to manipulate and control you. Unlike some of the others I know you're listening to these words or you wouldn't have come here and posted and asked for help. Again, I was where you were once and I advise you to listen very closely to what most people are saying, especially WhichWay and if Owl comes to your thread which I'm guessing he will once the weekend passes. ;) Best wishes.

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OK I'm going to break ranks here and suggest something entirely else.

 

Stay right out of it. Say nothing either way. You owe neither of them anything; don't get caught up in their M dynamics. You owe YOURSELF getting your life back on track and as long as you're getting pulled into their M, however tangentially, you're going to be caught up in the A and unable to move beyond it.

 

If you love him, let him go.

 

If you care about her - even distantly - stay away and let her find the answers she needs (even if they're silences, which may speak louder) from her H and her heart.

 

Try to love YOU a little, and leave them to resolve their own issues. You no longer have a part in that - you've walked away from it. Leave it. Love yourself enough not to look back.

 

Not really breaking ranks OWowan - it's what I intended to say with my post for the most part. The only thing I would do differently is give the BS a basic admission and NC assurance if directly approached. I would not discuss details or scope or make myself available for further conversations. It would be a difficult exchange for a BS to initiate, so I would find it hard to leave her completely unacknowledged.

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I mentioned that I had a low self esteem. Before he came along I was dating a guy who I let into my life and he deposited checks that bounce into my account. He took my ATM card and he was depositing NSF checks and withdrew $6,000. I went to the police and filed reports. I got the money back. During the time the MM was thre to liste to me and was very understanding. He is also a supervisor but not directly over me.

 

I was at a low point in my life because I was broke and he was there.

 

As far as not eating because I have been trying really end it to the point that I was not answering his calls or emails... he was not eating or sleeping during this time either (this was when I was getting the bilkof the emails whoch W read), but since he is the one who cooks at home he was making himself eat.

 

I guess he came at a time when I was low and I never got backup. I think that in a way his W finding out was for the best, He will be too busy trying tofix it and I can break free of this.

 

 

It wasn't my intention to come across harshly. If I did, I apologize. It was late, and I was trying to be brief.

 

You just sound so beat up and beat down in your OP that the low self-esteem is all that is really heard. Its like you don't think that you deserve any better. Kind of like you are trying to prove that you are lovable and desirable by throwing yourself away for him.

 

If you love yourself even a little bit, please stop this madness. Real love isn't like this. Most people will say that being in an affair is selfish, and I tend to agree. But in your case, this co-dependency is killing your spirit. Its deadening your desire to fight for yourself. You need to be selfish to save your sanity.

 

Real love doesn't make us prove ourselves to our beloved. Our beloved brings out the best in us, even when they aren't around. When he's not around, you probably feel at your lowest until your next fix of his presence.

 

Real love doesn't ask more of you than it has to give. Don't lie to his W for him. What does it get for you besides more guilt and angst?

 

This isn't real love. Get yourself back by walking away from this situation. It won't be easy. But nothing worth truly having is ever easy to attain. Your sanity and mental/emotional health will prove worth it. You will need a support people. A counsellor is a good first choice.

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White Flower
Not really breaking ranks OWowan - it's what I intended to say with my post for the most part. The only thing I would do differently is give the BS a basic admission and NC assurance if directly approached. I would not discuss details or scope or make myself available for further conversations. It would be a difficult exchange for a BS to initiate, so I would find it hard to leave her completely unacknowledged.

I agree. If she didn't approach me personally, I wouldn't go to her and share anything. But if she did, I would be kind enough to confirm the truth that is being denied her. Women need to support women's intuition even if we did borrow their H's for a while.

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I want to start offby saying that I believe in Karma. I know what I did was worng and maybe this hurt is what I have to go through.

 

I have been dating a married man for the past two years. His wife of 14 years read emails that we emailed to each otherhade written. She got most of the information but somehow thinks that I have a boyfriend and that the last time we were intimate was 4 months ago (lies H told her) in fact we are usually together 3 to 4 times a week. In those 2 years she had no idea that this was going on. In fact we took about 6 vacations in all.

 

Like someone else posted before I have been trying to break up with him but when I did he wanted to see me and then I would break down and go back to him. I am an educated woman but I melt and fell into his wants. I have been single for the past 2 years because he gets VERY jelous of other guys. I know I have a low self esteem here but I can't seem to break it off. We work together and when I have tried to break up he emails me or drops off cards at my door, or send me songs. He know how much I love him and he knows taht he has me and that I am weak.

 

I have never asked him to choose me over W. I have always encouraged him to spend time with his kids. He claims that he loves his W and that he love me.

 

When W found out that I was the OW she emailed me and him. She has no ide who I am but she knows that we work together. We wanted me to call her and telll her that it was not me who wrote those emails and that have nothing to do with him and that I have a boyfriend that I am in love with. I was willing to do this for him because I never wanted him to loose his family. I was willing to have a friend pretend to be my boyfriend and have both of us talk to her.

 

She read enough of our emails to realize that the relationship was VERY deep and not just a fling.

 

My problem now is that I want him to win her back and spend all his free time with them. I told him that he could convince her to come back to him like he has with me. I also wanted to break up with him so that he had no excuse to not fight for W.

Am I twisted inside? I love him very much and I don't want him to suffer. He didn't eat or sleep since W found out. I am willing to put myself out to make him happy. I know that I am wrong for having anything to do with him, but i just love him. I gave up control of my life to him. I stop hanging around my guys friends for him. I just want him to be happy and have his life back. He comes from a family where his father constatly cheated on his mom and mom knew of all the women. They are still married but not living together.

 

I am a pretty girl, nice body, good job, nice home, why am I in this situation? I have plenty of guys who want to date me, but I chose a married man.

 

You now want MM to win his family back? Pleeezze. You had an affair wth this man and now your concerned with him getting his family back? My goodness.. Get a grip on yourself. It seems as though your self esteem is a BIG issue..IC can help that. I don't mean to sound harsh, however truth is, If you expect someone else to complete you as a person.. without feeling complete as yourself, then you will never be happy. Just my thoughts.

 

AP:)

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bentnotbroken
You now want MM to win his family back? Pleeezze. You had an affair wth this man and now your concerned with him getting his family back? My goodness.. Get a grip on yourself. It seems as though your self esteem is a BIG issue..IC can help that. I don't mean to sound harsh, however truth is, If you expect someone else to complete you as a person.. without feeling complete as yourself, then you will never be happy. Just my thoughts.

 

AP:)

 

 

 

 

Exactly. She can't possible believe what she is saying.

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mistresswchildren

Did she contact you directly? If she did, I agree with everyone else that you may want to confirm it, however, if not, don't go into it. All you will be doing is creating more drama in your life and hers. As far as he is concerned, drama will follow him. If he can't have you, he will most likely find someone else (this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him). He will get what he deserves in the end, and hopefully, his wife will see through his lies at some point. Just don't get caught up in all of it. That is a surefire way to stay in the A. If you get to involved, if you get to know his wife in this situation, you may be able to justify your actions. She may become hateful and resentful (which is normal for a BS in that position). You will be able to convince yourself that she is not a good person and she is not right for him. Trust me, I understand this all too well. Just stay out of it, and stay away. I realize it is easier said than done, but you have to do it for yourself. YOU are worth more!

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Here's your problem. As long as you work with this guy, the affair is going to continue. He clearly knows how to push your buttons emotionally to get exactly what he wants from you.

 

Start looking for a new job...TODAY!!!!

 

Get out of there, and break off ANY kind of relationship with this man...RIGHT NOW.

 

Don't wait, don't look for reasons not to do this...do it now.

 

I'd agree with the suggestions for counseling for yourself as well...but first and foremost, break this cycle that's gone on for the last two years!!!

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whichwayisup

If you want this guy to go back to his wife and familly you're going to have to completely remove yourself from his life. No talking, no emailing, no seeing him, no text messaging. NOTHING.

 

Say goodbye, wish him the best and stay out of his life. Ignore ANY attempts of his if he tries to contact you. Those actions, WILL show him that you are OUT of his life for good.

 

Owl is right, start looking for another job because if you work with him, you'll always have feelings for him and you won't be able to fully heal and let go.

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