Other (married) woman inlove - Long

[lizalee]

Hi Everyone

 

Not sure I'm at right board but here goes

 

Little background on myself. I'm 32 been married for 11 years with 1 daughter - very stormy marriage for the past 5 years. Finaly had enough of it and 5 months ago decided to leave. Told my H i wanted out and moved out with my daughter. Been seperated a month when H came back begging for reconciliation. He said we should go to counselling before I make a final decision to divorce. I agreed but did not move back in. Well, was at counselling for 3 weeks and it really looked like it might work out for us.

Littly history bout H: Very controlling, verbally abusive and confrontational.

 

We talked about these issues in MC and was told how to deal with it etc. Long story short, i moved back home and everything was hunky dory for a month until I realised that nothing has really changed. Because my H was afraid that i would not stand for his b***s**t he started attacking our daughter when we had an argument. - this happens in my absence. She being, only a child tells me everything he says and it's clear that he's getting at her coz he can't take it out on me. Anyway, I am now right back where I was before - Trying to build up the courage to leave again, this time its final.

 

Now - about the OM and how it started.

 

We've known each other since we were teenagers. Never had any interest in him in the BF kind of way. A couple of years before I got married (just started dating H) I bumped into him and he told me that he has been inlove with me for years and whether i would not give him a chance. I told him I had a boyfriend and left it at that. He then got involved with one of my best friends sisters and they have been together since (Still not married with 2 kids).

 

Anyway, we have been socialising together sometimes and we actually have a very good relationship - me, him, his gf etc. although on 2 or more occasions we would be dancing or something and he would mention to me that he still likes me etc. and that i was the one thing that he always wished he could have. I would normally just laugh this off as we would both be a little intoxicated then - My understanding was that it's the alcohol talking. I never saw the need to confront him about this because to me it was just simple jokes - I mean we both had our partners for years.

 

One thing I never made known to anyone was the unhappy marriage I was in. I kept this all to myself. H would not allow me to have friends or would never go with me to the friends that he approved of. So, it meant that most of the time i was in the OM company I was alone. Still nothing happened and there were no intensions.

 

Finally a month ago, we are having one of our get togethers and me and the OM end up sitting together and just talking. He once again declared his feelings to me and this time we had no drinks. So this was a very sober conversation. He mentioned to me that he heard about my recent separation from H and wanted to know what happened. I found myself confiding in him about "most" of the issues cause he was always such an understanding friend. Two weeks later, we meet at another friends house and this time he kisses me outright. I was so stunned and looked around to see if anyone saw. I couldn't believe what just happened....

 

I have never ever cheated or even thought about cheating even though I had a miserable life. I distanced myself from him and tried to avoid him the whole night. At the end of the evening - little tipsy we met again and this time he pulled me in a dark corner and started kissing me again. This time I kissed back. Lasted a couple of minutes then my conscience told me to leave. He started calling me everyday after this and we started chatting. I realised I was developing some kind of infatuation for him. We decided to meet one evening and started talking.

 

Long story short, i have been having a A for +-2months now. He asked me whether I would leave my H for him as he is prepared to leave his GF for me. He says he loves me and I do feel the same. I know it all sounds cocky but I do love him. We almost got caught a couple of weeks back and I was spooked. He said he doesn't care if we get caught he's actually hoping for it. My dilemma, I like his GF and don't want to hurt her (I know I'm already doing it). Also I don't want him to walk out of his relationship, which he doesn't have any problems with just because I am unhappy.

 

He says that even if I stay married he would like to continue with this A. He says he loves and respects me and would continue even if it means he has to share me. My problem, I will be leaving my H coz i realised i don't love him but i do not want to be the OW forever. I don't want to hurt his GF and kids but what do i do. He says that his gf wants to get married and he asked me if he should - My answer: "You owe her this after 14 years". I'm insane i know.

 

Any advise would help.

[OWoman]

Hi Everyone

 

Not sure I'm at right board but here goes

 

Little background on myself. I'm 32 been married for 11 years with 1 daughter - very stormy marriage for the past 5 years. Finaly had enough of it and 5 months ago decided to leave. Told my H i wanted out and moved out with my daughter. Been seperated a month when H came back begging for reconciliation. He said we should go to counselling before I make a final decision to divorce. I agreed but did not move back in. Well, was at counselling for 3 weeks and it really looked like it might work out for us.

Littly history bout H: Very controlling, verbally abusive and confrontational.

 

We talked about these issues in MC and was told how to deal with it etc. Long story short, i moved back home and everything was hunky dory for a month until I realised that nothing has really changed. Because my H was afraid that i would not stand for his b***s**t he started attacking our daughter when we had an argument. - this happens in my absence. She being, only a child tells me everything he says and it's clear that he's getting at her coz he can't take it out on me. Anyway, I am now right back where I was before - Trying to build up the courage to leave again, this time its final.

 

Now - about the OM and how it started.

 

We've known each other since we were teenagers. Never had any interest in him in the BF kind of way. A couple of years before I got married (just started dating H) I bumped into him and he told me that he has been inlove with me for years and whether i would not give him a chance. I told him I had a boyfriend and left it at that. He then got involved with one of my best friends sisters and they have been together since (Still not married with 2 kids).

 

Anyway, we have been socialising together sometimes and we actually have a very good relationship - me, him, his gf etc. although on 2 or more occasions we would be dancing or something and he would mention to me that he still likes me etc. and that i was the one thing that he always wished he could have. I would normally just laugh this off as we would both be a little intoxicated then - My understanding was that it's the alcohol talking. I never saw the need to confront him about this because to me it was just simple jokes - I mean we both had our partners for years.

 

One thing I never made known to anyone was the unhappy marriage I was in. I kept this all to myself. H would not allow me to have friends or would never go with me to the friends that he approved of. So, it meant that most of the time i was in the OM company I was alone. Still nothing happened and there were no intensions.

 

Finally a month ago, we are having one of our get togethers and me and the OM end up sitting together and just talking. He once again declared his feelings to me and this time we had no drinks. So this was a very sober conversation. He mentioned to me that he heard about my recent separation from H and wanted to know what happened. I found myself confiding in him about "most" of the issues cause he was always such an understanding friend. Two weeks later, we meet at another friends house and this time he kisses me outright. I was so stunned and looked around to see if anyone saw. I couldn't believe what just happened....

 

I have never ever cheated or even thought about cheating even though I had a miserable life. I distanced myself from him and tried to avoid him the whole night. At the end of the evening - little tipsy we met again and this time he pulled me in a dark corner and started kissing me again. This time I kissed back. Lasted a couple of minutes then my conscience told me to leave. He started calling me everyday after this and we started chatting. I realised I was developing some kind of infatuation for him. We decided to meet one evening and started talking.

 

Long story short, i have been having a A for +-2months now. He asked me whether I would leave my H for him as he is prepared to leave his GF for me. He says he loves me and I do feel the same. I know it all sounds cocky but I do love him. We almost got caught a couple of weeks back and I was spooked. He said he doesn't care if we get caught he's actually hoping for it. My dilemma, I like his GF and don't want to hurt her (I know I'm already doing it). Also I don't want him to walk out of his relationship, which he doesn't have any problems with just because I am unhappy.

 

He says that even if I stay married he would like to continue with this A. He says he loves and respects me and would continue even if it means he has to share me. My problem, I will be leaving my H coz i realised i don't love him but i do not want to be the OW forever. I don't want to hurt his GF and kids but what do i do. He says that his gf wants to get married and he asked me if he should - My answer: "You owe her this after 14 years". I'm insane i know.

 

Any advise would help.

 

Right.

 

1) Leave your M NOW! If you H is "attacking your daughter" why are you still there? Why did you not leave immediately? This is no longer about you and whether or not you love your H. This is about your daughter and about responsible parenting. There can be no possible excuse for continuing to subject her to that.

 

2) You developed an infatuation for the OM by your own admission. What makes you believe that it's love now, rather than merely a deepening of that infatuation? Right now you're in a needy situation - unhappy, isolated and adrift - and here comes a knight in shining armour to rescue you. You weren't interested, until he kissed you, and then suddenly all the lights went on and it's true love? That must have been some kiss! (Incidentally - do you allow guys you're not interested in to kiss you, generally? If you were really not interested why did you not smack his face for him for his impudence? Something is not adding up here... Either you were more interested than you let on, or he took advantage of you and you didn't stop him.)

 

3) You don't want to be an OW. Yet you know that his relationship with his GF is serious, you're friendly with her and you don't want to piss on her tree. You're faced with a choice - hurt her honestly, by taking her BF and her kids' father; hurt her covertly by continuing the A; or walk away and consider re-engaging, if at all, from a point of calm reflection down the track if and when you're both free.

 

Right now you're in the middle of too many things at once. It sounded like you leaned on this guy as a friend to help you through a difficult time and he took advantage of that by hitting on you when you were vulnerable. Coming from a dysfunctional, abusive relationship, you failed to recognise that you were being exploited and took it as a sign of caring rather than of predation. Are you really happy to leave one skewed relationship for another? Would you not rather be with someone who cares for you enough to respect your boundaries, who doesn't see you merely in terms of their own needs and desires and who doesn't take advantage of your vulnerabilities to advance their own agenda? Would you not rather your daughter grow up with a healthy relationship to model her own future on, than another potentially unhealthy one - that may in turn lead to further abuse for her, too?

 

If you can't do it for you, at least do it for her. Walk away.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Everyone

 

Not sure I'm at right board but here goes

 

Little background on myself. I'm 32 been married for 11 years with 1 daughter - very stormy marriage for the past 5 years. Finaly had enough of it and 5 months ago decided to leave. Told my H i wanted out and moved out with my daughter. Been seperated a month when H came back begging for reconciliation. He said we should go to counselling before I make a final decision to divorce. I agreed but did not move back in. Well, was at counselling for 3 weeks and it really looked like it might work out for us.

Littly history bout H: Very controlling, verbally abusive and confrontational.

 

We talked about these issues in MC and was told how to deal with it etc. Long story short, i moved back home and everything was hunky dory for a month until I realised that nothing has really changed. Because my H was afraid that i would not stand for his b***s**t he started attacking our daughter when we had an argument. - this happens in my absence. She being, only a child tells me everything he says and it's clear that he's getting at her coz he can't take it out on me. Anyway, I am now right back where I was before - Trying to build up the courage to leave again, this time its final.

 

Now - about the OM and how it started.

 

We've known each other since we were teenagers. Never had any interest in him in the BF kind of way. A couple of years before I got married (just started dating H) I bumped into him and he told me that he has been inlove with me for years and whether i would not give him a chance. I told him I had a boyfriend and left it at that. He then got involved with one of my best friends sisters and they have been together since (Still not married with 2 kids).

 

Anyway, we have been socialising together sometimes and we actually have a very good relationship - me, him, his gf etc. although on 2 or more occasions we would be dancing or something and he would mention to me that he still likes me etc. and that i was the one thing that he always wished he could have. I would normally just laugh this off as we would both be a little intoxicated then - My understanding was that it's the alcohol talking. I never saw the need to confront him about this because to me it was just simple jokes - I mean we both had our partners for years.

 

One thing I never made known to anyone was the unhappy marriage I was in. I kept this all to myself. H would not allow me to have friends or would never go with me to the friends that he approved of. So, it meant that most of the time i was in the OM company I was alone. Still nothing happened and there were no intensions.

 

Finally a month ago, we are having one of our get togethers and me and the OM end up sitting together and just talking. He once again declared his feelings to me and this time we had no drinks. So this was a very sober conversation. He mentioned to me that he heard about my recent separation from H and wanted to know what happened. I found myself confiding in him about "most" of the issues cause he was always such an understanding friend. Two weeks later, we meet at another friends house and this time he kisses me outright. I was so stunned and looked around to see if anyone saw. I couldn't believe what just happened....

 

I have never ever cheated or even thought about cheating even though I had a miserable life. I distanced myself from him and tried to avoid him the whole night. At the end of the evening - little tipsy we met again and this time he pulled me in a dark corner and started kissing me again. This time I kissed back. Lasted a couple of minutes then my conscience told me to leave. He started calling me everyday after this and we started chatting. I realised I was developing some kind of infatuation for him. We decided to meet one evening and started talking.

 

Long story short, i have been having a A for +-2months now. He asked me whether I would leave my H for him as he is prepared to leave his GF for me. He says he loves me and I do feel the same. I know it all sounds cocky but I do love him. We almost got caught a couple of weeks back and I was spooked. He said he doesn't care if we get caught he's actually hoping for it. My dilemma, I like his GF and don't want to hurt her (I know I'm already doing it). Also I don't want him to walk out of his relationship, which he doesn't have any problems with just because I am unhappy.

 

He says that even if I stay married he would like to continue with this A. He says he loves and respects me and would continue even if it means he has to share me. My problem, I will be leaving my H coz i realised i don't love him but i do not want to be the OW forever. I don't want to hurt his GF and kids but what do i do. He says that his gf wants to get married and he asked me if he should - My answer: "You owe her this after 14 years". I'm insane i know.

 

Any advise would help.

 

While your H does sound abusive and controlling, this by no means gives you the freedom to have an affair. I can relate because I choose to become involved in a rather long ea with a mm for the same reason.. and it was WRONG.

 

I would say either simply look into MC in order to try and fix your marriage or head to a lawyer and file for a divorce. This OM with the GF needs to be out of the picture while you deceide or else IMO your not going to get all that far. Does this make sense?

 

One other question I have is "Why on earth would he ask you if he should marry his GF if he wants to be with you?" That makes zero sense.

 

AP:)

[Lyssa]

I think the last thing you should worry about is having an A or how it would turn out between you and OM. Please do something about the safety of your daughter. It's verbal abuse now, who knows what he'll do next.

[whichwayisup]

You're making this situation much worse for you and your daughter by cheating on your husband. Leave him, divorce him THEN pursue someone else, because if you think your husband is pissed now and taking it out on your daughter, IMAGINE what he is capable of when he finds out you've been having an affair. You left once, you can do it again. Pack up afew things, and get your daughter away from him. If you feel threatened by him, call 911.

 

To be honest it sounds like the OM is your safety net. Do you really want to have a relationship so quickly after leaving your abusive H? I doubt your daughter is ready to have a new step father, so please, give it time. The OM has a girlfriend and chances are what you two feel for eachother is all new and exciting but it's all based on in the heat of the moment feelings.

[OWoman]

One other question I have is "Why on earth would he ask you if he should marry his GF if he wants to be with you?" That makes zero sense.

 

I reckon it makes PERFECT sense, from his perspective!

 

He doesn't want to be alone. His GF is pressuring him to get M. He's been holding out on her because she's his Plan B - his Plan A is to land Liza and sail off into the sunset with her, but if she's not up for that, well, then he'll have to settle for GF (and maybe Liza on the side) and that may mean having to M after all.

 

He's wanting Liza to commit to him, to say, "no no, don't marry her, I want you!"

 

or, at least, "Well, you're over a barrel buddy, so marry her, and we'll just keep this up on the side".

 

He's getting her buy-in, one way or the other. If she says yes to the marriage, she's agreeing to stay on as OW. If she says no to the marriage, she's committing to a FTR with OM. Heads he wins, tails she loses.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a jacked up situation, get that baby out of the situation with your H. This is going to get worse before it gets better if you don't leave. F the om until you take care of your child.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but kids always come first. Their safety, well being, security.

[OWoman]

This is a jacked up situation, get that baby out of the situation with your H. This is going to get worse before it gets better if you don't leave. F the om until you take care of your child.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but kids always come first. Their safety, well being, security.

 

It's not everyday Bent & I agree, so when we do, you know it's SERIOUS!

[GPFan]

I agree with everyone else here. Your circumstances are volatile as it is. Introducing an affair is analogous to putting out a house fire with a nuclear bomb. Also, your lover's casual response to being exposed could potentially put you and your daughter in danger.

 

Perhaps the two of you could agree to take some time off whilst each of you resolve your respective existing relationships.

 

Stay safe and take care of yourself first!