sassy07 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I don't really know where to start. First I know I will get alot of negative responses but I already know what I have been doing is wrong. I never intended to fall in love with a married man. Especially this one. I have known him for over 15 years. It just kinda happened we were both going through the same thing at the time both marriages on the rocks. I divorced my husband and he was thinking about leaving her. I just want to say I do truly feel like a bad person but I couldn't help the way I felt about him. He has made me feel things no one else ever has. THis has been going on now for 21/2 yrs. He never made any promises about leaving her and even said because everyone knew me they would never except it. Well he left her about a month ago. I have been trying to give him space and let him deal with everything. It is so hard though I love this man more than anything. He told me awhile back he wasn't in love with her anymore and there was no chemistry. He also told me they were not having sex. I know thats what he said. I try to date and move on but there is never any chemistry with anyone. How crazy is this when I do date and kiss I guy I feel like I am cheating on him. I don't know what to do. I know I am probably fool, but I know this man and don't believe that he would use me. Sometimes I feel like a fool but I want to wait and see what happens. Any advice I would appreciate. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You never will move on if you're attempting to date or whatever while you're still in contact with MM. Affairs are addictive...and while you're still in that addiction to MM, you won't be able ALLOW anyone else to get close to you. You know that your affair with MM isn't going to go forward...he's not willing to leave...its in the same state its been in for the last 2 1/2 years. What do you WANT out of all of this? That seems to be the first place to start. What are your boundaries and expectations in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Owl is right about the dating - Right now no man will compare. Maybe you should stop dating since you're not really ready emotionally and your heart definately isn't in it. I guess it's up to you now - Do you want continue to be his affair partner, the OW? If not, then be strong and end it completely. Go do some counselling to help you get stronger so you can do this. He isn't going to leave his wife, even if he says he is going to, he isn't. He told me awhile back he wasn't in love with her anymore and there was no chemistry. He also told me they were not having sex. I know thats what he said Yet his actions do not meet his words. Obviously too, you don't know if he is or isn't having sex with his wife, only they know the answer to that question. Maybe he isn't lying about it, but maybe he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Do you guys not see, he LeFT his W!!!!! Sweetie, give him time to adjust. Keep yourself busy.. You are not ready for dating. If it was love, he will be back..give it time Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Do you guys not see, he LeFT his W!!!!! Sweetie, give him time to adjust. Keep yourself busy.. You are not ready for dating. If it was love, he will be back..give it time It's no longer an affair - in fact it's not all THAT clear from the OP that there WAS an A, just feelings talked about....... Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 oH, I thought it was. But my point is, he did leave his wife!!! Its always being thrown out there "that he will never leave. Gee if thats true, why is the divorce rate 60%? Why is it always "he wont leave her??? Some do.... this one did! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 oH, I thought it was. But my point is, he did leave his wife!!! Its always being thrown out there "that he will never leave. Gee if thats true, why is the divorce rate 60%? Why is it always "he wont leave her??? Some do.... this one did! and from what the OP said, he left for his own well being, not "for" her...... but I'm a little confused over what the OP wants advice on actually. The situation is a little unclear for me to offer any at this point. and you're right, that's why the D rate is so high ....because NO one ever leaves a M Link to post Share on other sites
mongoose20 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 IMHO, best thing you can do for BOTH of you, is tell him what you are feeling. Then back away. Most people would say NC, but i think thats wrong, having been in a similar situation myself, its good to have someone around during a divorce(or separation if that is what it turns out to be) to talk to. I would, however, suggest no first contact. be there if he needs you. Give this time, and it will work itself out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 he did leave his wife!!! Its always being thrown out there "that he will never leave. Gee if thats true, why is the divorce rate 60%? Why is it always "he wont leave her??? Some do.... this one did! Yeah a month ago. Time will tell....He could very well change his mind and go back home. Or, he could divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I have been trying to give him space and let him deal with everything. It is so hard though I love this man more than anything. Does he want space? Has he given you any indication on what he's thinking? Are you still seeing each other? I'm not here to judge you. I just need a little information about what's going on. Hang in there! You'll be ok. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Did you begin your actual affair with MM prior to the end of your marriage? Throughout the 15 years that you've known MM did the two of you make a habit of discussing your marriages while flirting with each other? Do you have a way of obtaining 3rd party verification of what MM is telling you about his marriage? Does MM's wife know anything about your relationship with him, especially over the last 2 years? Does the MM have children still living at home? What is the top reason you believe he'd stay in his marriage? Are you absolutely sure of this man's character? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Never fails to amaze me somehow when people respond to a post and they obviously haven't read the WHOLE message..? Well he left her about a month ago. I have been trying to give him space and let him deal with everything. It is so hard though I love this man more than anything. I try to date and move on but there is never any chemistry with anyone. How crazy is this when I do date and kiss I guy I feel like I am cheating on him. I don't know what to do. I want to wait and see what happens. OK, a month is very new. Anything could happen at this stage, he may even go back, or may go back in a few months time. So you are right to keep your distance if that's what feels right, and it's also what he asked for (although you don't give his feelings on this... have you talked about that with him?). I wouldn't be pushing myself to date at this stage unless it feels natural and normal. If you're all caught up with him it won't work, and you may just ruin another chance with someone else because you're not ready. Keep posting, and I think you're doing the right thing: just wait and see what happens. Keep your mind open, BUT... do guard your heart. Plenty of men separate and then go back, especially when they did it in a rush or without properly considering all angles. Best of luck anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 oH, I thought it was. But my point is, he did leave his wife!!! Its always being thrown out there "that he will never leave. Gee if thats true, why is the divorce rate 60%? Why is it always "he wont leave her??? Some do.... this one did! Just a clarification...what you normally see 'thrown out there' is DIVORCING his wife. Not leaving her...because we see tons of guys leave only to return later. DIVORCE is really the key step. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Just a clarification...what you normally see 'thrown out there' is DIVORCING his wife. Not leaving her...because we see tons of guys leave only to return later. DIVORCE is really the key step. yep my XMM did that (leave & returned later). sassy you said you know what youve been doing is wrong. do you still think its wrong? if so then all you can do is stop doing it, or else i think you may just keep feeling confused & unsettled. im not trying to 'preach' but i realised it was a big relief to start doing the RIGHT thing, not the wrong thing ya know. i understand about the chemistry. but ive been thinking... chemistry is a necessary part of love but there is so much more to it. if he gets D'ed you can see what happens buidling on that chemistry! hopefully you have some other good ingredents. like youve been friends for a long time, thats good. but 1st he has to be in a place where he can be in a committed R & right now he sounds confused & you too. so remember the chemistry but remember it also takes more & you have to wait & see if it'll ever get there. i hope everyting turns out well for yoU! Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 oH, I thought it was. But my point is, he did leave his wife!!! Its always being thrown out there "that he will never leave. Gee if thats true, why is the divorce rate 60%? the divorce rate-in the US at least-is 50% i think. and in 2/3rds of the cases it is women who file for D not men. & im thinking alot of ppl file for divorce w/out having a op. so im just not sure how much the divorce rate has to do w/ men leaving there Ws for the ow. of course it does happen but the link b/t divorce rate & it happening is what is too confusing for me to try to figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 the divorce rate-in the US at least-is 50% i think. and in 2/3rds of the cases it is women who file for D not men. I saw a book that claimed that women filed for 91% of the divorces in this country. Men rarely file themselves. Even in the worst marriages, it seems. Whether its 9% or 33% of men that actually file, the number is still less than the women that do it. I'm pretty convinced that if you want a man to get a D to be with you, you should try convincing his W, not him. lol Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I filed and I have about ten friends who have filed in the last 3 years, only 2 were men. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 the divorce rate-in the US at least-is 50% i think. and in 2/3rds of the cases it is women who file for D not men. & im thinking alot of ppl file for divorce w/out having a op. so im just not sure how much the divorce rate has to do w/ men leaving there Ws for the ow. of course it does happen but the link b/t divorce rate & it happening is what is too confusing for me to try to figure out. I think that has to do with the fact that the H (with the OP) leaves and it is the W that usually ends up doing the filing...That's the way it's been in most of the cases in my personal experience. As unfortunate as it is, most people don't feel the need to leave a M, as humdrum as it may be, until they meet someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 the divorce rate-in the US at least-is 50% i think. and in 2/3rds of the cases it is women who file for D not men. US divorce rate was about 45% in 2002 http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsWorld.shtml I've seen figures of 67% quoted for my country, but stats are extremely unreliable as many marriages are never formally terminated but simply abandoned. (Which is even more difficult among polygamous marriages - distinguishing between a "least favoured" wife and an abandoned wife is next to impossible!) Given our very low reported marriage rates (about 335 per 100 000, or 0.3) that kind of divorce rate would mean almost no people were married... whereas surveys show that just under half of the adult population reports being married. I suspect the discrepancies are methodological (the marriage rate is incidence rather than prevalence; the marital status recorded on surveys will include self-diagnosed Ms [such as common law, co-habitation, etc as well as people who are in abandoned marriages... at least, from the side of the abandoned party!] rather than those registered civilly). I'd be interested if there were similar figures here about filing by gender - certainly among customary and religious marriage types, it's usually the prerogative of the H to D the W. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 One other question...You also mentioned that throughout your relationship with MM he continued to assert that he had no intention of leaving his wife. How do you perceive this statement in regards to his feelings for you? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 the divorce rate-in the US at least-is 50% i think. and in 2/3rds of the cases it is women who file for D not men. & im thinking alot of ppl file for divorce w/out having a op. so im just not sure how much the divorce rate has to do w/ men leaving there Ws for the ow. of course it does happen but the link b/t divorce rate & it happening is what is too confusing for me to try to figure out. I think the majority of divorces occur as a result of infidelity. However, I think the stats show that it's usually women (and men) who have found out about their partner being unfaithful who want to divorce, more commonly than people in undiscovered affairs leaving without d-days. 'Leaving for the OW' isn't common. Divorcing due to infidelity with an OW isn't uncommon in the slightest. But regarding 'who files', I think a lot of this is down to the 'decency' of the H allowing the W to file. I've read about this quite a lot in the UK. It looks better, supposedly, to outsiders, that the W filed for divorce based on 'irreconcilable differences' or 'infidelity' than the H filing. So not sure which sex files more is very relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I think the majority of divorces occur as a result of infidelity. However, I think the stats show that it's usually women (and men) who have found out about their partner being unfaithful who want to divorce, more commonly than people in undiscovered affairs leaving without d-days. 'Leaving for the OW' isn't common. Divorcing due to infidelity with an OW isn't uncommon in the slightest. But regarding 'who files', I think a lot of this is down to the 'decency' of the H allowing the W to file. I've read about this quite a lot in the UK. It looks better, supposedly, to outsiders, that the W filed for divorce based on 'irreconcilable differences' or 'infidelity' than the H filing. So not sure which sex files more is very relevant. Frannie, as I understand UK law - "Irreconcilable differences" / no fault takes two years (uncontested) or 5 years (contested) separation, MINIMUM. In a volatile context like infidelity, I don't imagine too many couples are happy to stay wedded (albeit separated) for that long. I expect most would opt for "quicky" divorce, which is possible on two grounds only: adultery, or unreasonable behaviour. Only the BS can file on the grounds of adultery - the CS cannot file on the grounds of their own adultery. So, unless the CS has a case to file on the grounds of the BS's "unreasonable behaviour", they CAN'T file, legally. They'd need to sit it out for 2 years, at least, to file on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences". Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I think that has to do with the fact that the H (with the OP) leaves and it is the W that usually ends up doing the filing... This is what I don't get. If the H is going to leave, he needs to be the one to file. Why wait for the W to file? Why always trying to look good while obviously not doing good (the right thing in filing for what he wants himself)? I don't want a man that's incapable of asking for what he wants directly. Passive-aggressive is just not an attractive trait. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 One other question...You also mentioned that throughout your relationship with MM he continued to assert that he had no intention of leaving his wife. How do you perceive this statement in regards to his feelings for you? Peli I'm assuming (since this doesn't quote or reference anything since) that your question is directed at the OP - who's gone MIA since her initial post. She didn't state in her post that he had "continued to assert he had no intention of leaving his wife", she simply stated that he made no promises that he WOULD leave his wife. Which is a rather different matter. Especially since he then went and did just that. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 This is what I don't get. If the H is going to leave' date=' he needs to be the one to file. Why wait for the W to file? [/quote'] Only the BS can file on the grounds of adultery - the CS cannot file on the grounds of their own adultery. So, unless the CS has a case to file on the grounds of the BS's "unreasonable behaviour", they CAN'T file, legally. They'd need to sit it out for 2 years, at least, to file on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences". In at least some cases / places. (In my country, a D takes about 10 minutes, start to finish - which is marginally longer than a M takes! ) Link to post Share on other sites
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