should i contact him?

[surgngnl]

if you read my past posts, you'll know that i was an OW for a short while. this man, who i knew very well when we were young and we both had pined for one another ever since, has been unhappy in his marriage (no kids) for over 7 years. when we began talking again after so long, he immediately filed divorce, sold his home with the W and is moving to another city to begin his life over. for 2 months, we were incredibly happy to have found one another again. it was bliss and i had only agreed to move forward with our relationshio after he had filed for divorce.

 

then, all of a sudden, he changed completely with me. while he now divorced and moved, he is severely depressed and has retreated into a hole. he has not contacted me in some time and when we did talk about 2 weeks ago, he cried and told me that he was very confused about his life. he is set on being out of the marriage, but he feels guilty that he caused his wife pain, embarrased is conservative family and can't stand to be around anyone. this has left me out in the cold and i do believe that it as finally hit me that i am terribly confused and sad that i lost him.

 

the question is: do i contact him and tell him how i feel? i think that it would be very selfish considering that his entire life has changed and he obviously can't offer me anything that i deserve (his words about a month ago). but the reason i ask is that all i can think of for the last 3 days is talking to him and spilling out how sad i've been since we have cooled off. nothing dramatic happened between us; when he told me that he was depressed and angry at him self for what he's putting himself and everyone else through, i let it go as to not burden him anymore than he already was. now, it's been about 2 months of barely any contact and i'm honestly not ok. i know that i'm in a state of depression (i have been diagnosed with manic depression since i was young), but i honestly believe that this extreme high/low that i've felt with him was my trigger this time around. i'm on meds, etc, so don't harp on the depression, please, i just need to know if talking to him about how i feel and how much i still wish for us to work out one day when he's straight is the right idea.

 

any advice would help tremendously.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Contact him? Yes. Tell him how you feel? No. He doesn't need something else that big to think about; not right now, anyway. To paraphrase the great Jack, 'sell heavy thought someplace else; we're all stocked up here.' All he needs is someone to be on his side. No condescension, no judgment, just sympathy (trust me, he's already getting more than enough of the first two as it is).

 

As to him leaving you 'out in the cold' as you put it, it's quite possibly nothing personal. After a major breakup (and a divorce is as major as it gets), some guys go into a shutdown phase. We don't see with any of our friends, we don't talk to them, we don't write them, nothing. We just cut off from the world for a while. And this shutdown phase is directly proportional to the length of the relation. If it was a chick we dated for a few weeks, we take a day or two. A long term girlfriend or fiancée; a few months. A wife...well, that can take years. It doesn't mean we push away anyone who seeks us out, just that we don't go seeking them.

 

If you make contact, although he'll be conflicted, deep down he'll probably be happy to see you; if for no other reason than you're a friendly face at a time when he needs one the most. Until he gets back to being himself, you two can't be much of anything, so getting him back on track is step 1.

[surgngnl]

i took your advice and i called. i mentioned nothing of my own feelings of the situation; i made it a call that was as someone who is there for him. and i have to say, the conversation was more than i expected.

 

we talked for over 5 hours. ah... i love those talks...

 

we touched on everything that's happening with him - he's moving to a different state next week, the house is sold, she has moved out and he is dealing. he's not happy still, but he sounded better. and he did say that he was very glad to hear from me; that he was sorry that he has been so distant lately. he says that he hasn't been speaking to anyone and is ready to be away from everyone when he moves. he's going through all the "i don't know that i'll ever be with anyone again" stuff. understandable.

 

however, after 4 hours, we decided that we wanted to see one another again, that it had been too long and we missed one another. we discussed it, got all giggly and happy and then we hung up for him to pack to come.

 

and then, i get a call back that he can't come... that he has to make sure that he's at the (far away from me) office the next morning and he can't risk not doing so since he's been slacking at his job as he's been going through the divorce. he said that he knows that every time that we're together, he never leaves on time because he can't leave me.

 

i, of course, was disappointed, but i said i understood. we ended up on the phone for the next hour talking about his depression and the things that i've been going through with work lately. i had a suspicion that i was going to be let go the next morning at work (i'm always so paranoid since this stupid recession is killing my clients). i said this to him and he was supportive like he always is. and then he blew me away with the idea that if i lose the job, i can always move in with him if i need to. i was struck by this, but i'm sure he was only being a friend. though, he did say it more than twice and was even going into how the new town he'll be in isn't so bad, that i would like it.

 

of course, i didn't lose my job. and i was super happy that before i went to the meeting, i got a text from him asking me to let him know how it went. when i called him later on, i told him all was ok , that i was going to be fine and he got a little short with me for a second, like he was disappointed. what does this mean? did he really want me to move up there? is this man coming around? am i going to actually get back my "one that got away"? he's called and emailed twice since then (2 days ago) and i suspect that he'll call me tonight since he's going out of town and tends to get bored. i know not to jump into any talk about us or anything in that area, but i just wanted to know for myself if i actually can hang on to hope. i was pretty close to letting it go, but i don't know now... of course, i won't be moving anywhere with him, i won't be pushy with my own feelings for a few more weeks (let him recover a bit longer from his divorce), but do i have a chance? that would be one exciting deal if i do...

 

take care and be good.

 

thanks to you all.

[A.G.Doren]

This man is not going to be ready for another relationship for a good long while. I would expect to be friends with him and nothing more for even if he says different. In fact if says different chalk it up to him feeling needy and gracefully avoid it.

[OWoman]

when i called him later on, i told him all was ok , that i was going to be fine and he got a little short with me for a second, like he was disappointed. what does this mean?

 

I think, for one brief gap, you offered him the opportunity to save you. To be the strong one who rescued you from your plight, rather than the one who was on the receiving end of your caring, your support, your strength. And then, it was whisked away from him leaving him the weaker party once more.

[nadiaj2727]

i took your advice and i called. i mentioned nothing of my own feelings of the situation; i made it a call that was as someone who is there for him. and i have to say, the conversation was more than i expected.

 

we talked for over 5 hours. ah... i love those talks...

 

we touched on everything that's happening with him - he's moving to a different state next week, the house is sold, she has moved out and he is dealing. he's not happy still, but he sounded better. and he did say that he was very glad to hear from me; that he was sorry that he has been so distant lately. he says that he hasn't been speaking to anyone and is ready to be away from everyone when he moves. he's going through all the "i don't know that i'll ever be with anyone again" stuff. understandable.

 

however, after 4 hours, we decided that we wanted to see one another again, that it had been too long and we missed one another. we discussed it, got all giggly and happy and then we hung up for him to pack to come.

 

and then, i get a call back that he can't come... that he has to make sure that he's at the (far away from me) office the next morning and he can't risk not doing so since he's been slacking at his job as he's been going through the divorce. he said that he knows that every time that we're together, he never leaves on time because he can't leave me.

 

i, of course, was disappointed, but i said i understood. we ended up on the phone for the next hour talking about his depression and the things that i've been going through with work lately. i had a suspicion that i was going to be let go the next morning at work (i'm always so paranoid since this stupid recession is killing my clients). i said this to him and he was supportive like he always is. and then he blew me away with the idea that if i lose the job, i can always move in with him if i need to. i was struck by this, but i'm sure he was only being a friend. though, he did say it more than twice and was even going into how the new town he'll be in isn't so bad, that i would like it.

 

of course, i didn't lose my job. and i was super happy that before i went to the meeting, i got a text from him asking me to let him know how it went. when i called him later on, i told him all was ok , that i was going to be fine and he got a little short with me for a second, like he was disappointed. what does this mean? did he really want me to move up there? is this man coming around? am i going to actually get back my "one that got away"? he's called and emailed twice since then (2 days ago) and i suspect that he'll call me tonight since he's going out of town and tends to get bored. i know not to jump into any talk about us or anything in that area, but i just wanted to know for myself if i actually can hang on to hope. i was pretty close to letting it go, but i don't know now... of course, i won't be moving anywhere with him, i won't be pushy with my own feelings for a few more weeks (let him recover a bit longer from his divorce), but do i have a chance? that would be one exciting deal if i do...

 

take care and be good.

 

thanks to you all.

 

Didn't you post a remorseful "I'm sorry" letter to his BW on here awhile ago? What happened then that now you feel totally okay having a five hour conversation with her husband when they are not yet divorced?? (If I'm wrong about that I apologize but I don't think they are from your posts.)

 

If you really feel sorry for what you did then I think you should stay out of his life and their divorce. Let them end their marriage as honorably as possible. Have respect for their marriage even though it's ending, it needs to be laid to rest properly, and also for yourself-- don't be a third party to a marriage/ divorce and don't be a mattress for him to fall on when he obviously hasn't made you a priority. Why are you involving yourself in his problems?

[nadiaj2727]

This man is not going to be ready for another relationship for a good long while. I would expect to be friends with him and nothing more for even if he says different. In fact if says different chalk it up to him feeling needy and gracefully avoid it.

 

I agree with this and this is why I say protect yourself and don't get involved in his mess. Maybe you feel the need to save him or for him to save you but that is not a healthy relationship IMO. Just wait until you can have a healthy one with him or someone else.

[SerenityX2]

First of all I'm really sorry for your pain, but it doesn't have to be that way in the long run.

 

You ask why he got short for a second. I see this as a big read flag for 2 reasons.

 

First, because anyone that makes you second guess or think "what did he mean by this or that statement?" or "how does he really feel?" or any other combinations thereof, I'd advise for them to walk away. There are people out there that don't make you wonder what they're thinking or what their "true" agenda is.

 

Second, because it's a big flag in your communication if there is something that you don't understand in his behavior and you just can't flat out ask him "why were you short are you upset?" Communication has got to be there at the start of any relationship, and how you're questioning this, leads me to believe that you sometimes need to walk on eggshells with him for fear of upsetting, or else you fear his answer and want to play mind reader

 

Truth is, it may have been something at work or millions of other reasons as to why he was short, but you should be able to point blank ask him. Frankly that coupled with his depression, I don't see him anywhere near a healthy r'ship point.

 

Like Nadia brought up the letter, it was a beautiful heartfelt letter and like another poster brought up, down the line you may or may not be blamed just by virtue of your being there for his divorce. Whether or not you were there in a support role. I do know of situations where YEARS down the line when arguements came out so did the blame shifting of the guy.

 

I see where you had an exact thread with more replies that told you orig to stay away, but you resurrected the other thread with the one lone poster's advice of to "call him" because it's what you wanted to hear...but unfortunately it started the roller coaster.

 

The longer you stay in this turmoil the longer it will take to heal. I hope you find the strength to walk away, there's better out there, there really are wonderful guys, but you need to be patient. It seems to be you are trying to force a square peg in a round hole, b/c it's what you want, but you'll miss that somebody out there that doesn't make you second guess if you keep your heart tied to his.

 

I have been through 3 facets of being with guys that make you second guess, being alone, and finally finding the "right" one and still, being alone beats having to second guess anyday. I have no idea why you'd want to involve yourself with someone so clearly depressed and mixed up. You shouldn't need to go INTO a r'ship equipped with band-aids and glue.

 

I wish you the best, I really meant none of this as harsh...just giving you an observational perspective.

[nadiaj2727]

I see where you had an exact thread with more replies that told you orig to stay away, but you resurrected the other thread with the one lone poster's advice of to "call him" because it's what you wanted to hear...but unfortunately it started the roller coaster.

 

The longer you stay in this turmoil the longer it will take to heal. I hope you find the strength to walk away, there's better out there, there really are wonderful guys, but you need to be patient. It seems to be you are trying to force a square peg in a round hole, b/c it's what you want, but you'll miss that somebody out there that doesn't make you second guess if you keep your heart tied to his.

 

I totally agree. I also noticed that she had mostly replies telling her to stay away from him, give him space, focus on herself, etc. Yet sometimes unfortunately we choose to listen to what we WANT to hear instead of what we KNOW in our hearts to be true-- that the only way to find peace and do the right thing for ourselves and others is to stay away from situations like this.

 

surgngnl I know you want to be a woman of your word. Since you feel sorry for hurting this man's wife I think you know deep down that the best thing to do for her is to stay away from him while their marriage ends. You've also realized in the past that he is confused and unsure of what he wants, therefore I think you know deep down that you can do better and that you should not settle for less than you deserve. Therefore the right thing to do for YOU too is to stay away from him. Why be his sounding board for 5 hours, I don't see the point in that except to torture yourself. He needs to be a big boy and dissolve his marriage on his own... there are only two people who went into it and only two people who should be getting out of it. Your place is in a happier spot, because you're not the one who made this commitment or the one who has to end it. So you shouldn't concern yourself with it IMO, doing that is just asking for more hurt and probably remorse, as you seem to be the kind of person who genuinely cares about the right thing to do.

[surgngnl]

i knew that someone was going to call me out on my choosing to follow the one piece of advice that pointed me towards contacting him. i did. and i knew what i was doing the whole time. i'm not proud of it, but i take ownership of it now.

 

that was my weakness. it didn't end up being the bad move that i half expected it to be. it's ok, they are divorced, she is moved out, he is moving next week to another city and life is moving on.

 

however, i know that we've been going back and forth about my end of the bargain and what i should and shouldn't do in regards to "loving him." i do love him. that's not the point.

 

the point now is that i think he has a serious problem. putting aside anything else that's been going on, i am worried about him and i need some advice as to go forward.

 

after talking to him last night (he was drunk), today (he was horribly hungover and on his way to the bar to drink more at noon) and earlier tonight (he was still drinking). every time i speak to him, he is open about his drinking and he even jokes about being an alcoholic. i was letting him go through his "guy thing" that i thought happened in that he drank for a few weeks more than usual and then went along with life as is. i've always been like that, my friends have been like that, no one has gone over any edge.

 

but this time, with this guy, my newly divorced, strong silent type, heart of gold, yet horribly guilt friend, is going down much faster than i am confortable with. he is constantly drunk. he is constantly upset. he is constantly out of work at 3:00 pm to start drinking, then passing out drunk at 9:00 pm. it's not healthy.

 

i can handle him drinking - some of do this stuff; hell, i was drunk for a month straight after i was left in a horrible situation. but i functioned normally, just with a small headache. he is not. the way he talks about it, work should be noticing really soon... i would say the same with his family, but they have all left him alone disapproving of the decision to divorce his wife. he is alone. he is holing up. he is drinking to stupid excesses. he is slacking off of work. he is talking about being depressed. he is talking about what's the reason for going on. he is talking about drinking enough to not wake up. this is a persistant conversation i have with him.

 

question: how do i proceed? his family has ostracized him, he has no friends outside of family, he is alone and pushing himself farther in his hole, no one knows that it's worse but me. i've seen the progression. it's getting a bit scary.

 

am i being overly attentive and noticing more? or do i actually have a game plan that can be followed?

[whichwayisup]

He's a big boy and he's made a HUGE mess of his life. He has to be the one to fix it by hitting rock bottom. Nothing you do or say will change that.

 

You can tell him to go to AA, that he needs help - But, he won't "hear" you because he's in self pity mode and doesn't give a crap about anything. He's in a bad place and if you don't detach from him, distance yourself from him and his daily life, YOU will end up being more hurt by him.

[surgngnl]

that is my first instinct - to let him go down. but my other side asks if this would be something that i allowed for one of my other friends (male or female) to do. i wouldn't. i know i wouldn't. i've had to step in with three friend - all ending up as was intended. is he the one that i step aside from?

[whichwayisup]

You have no control or no say of how his life goes. He needs to do this his way and be alone.

 

If you stay in his life, he could easily turn around and resent you or even blame you.

 

DO NOT compare this situation and him to your other friends, completely different, apples and oranges..

[nadiaj2727]

i knew that someone was going to call me out on my choosing to follow the one piece of advice that pointed me towards contacting him. i did. and i knew what i was doing the whole time. i'm not proud of it, but i take ownership of it now.

 

that was my weakness.

 

Well, at least you admit it. You said it. Stop being weak. Leave this guy alone. Why are you attracted to this alcoholic? Do you have issues with co-dependency? Maybe you want to be his mother or his savior. I say you deserve to be Happy Girl living a happy single life or in a relationship with Happy Guy. But that's your choice to make.

[2sunny]

i know you care about him but you cannot help him right now. self pity is a very powerful thing. i can tell you from personal experience.

 

step back and allow him to heal himself - he knows what he needs to do and until he's willing to take action in the right direction his life will be hell.

 

you do not want to be involved when he's going down that road.

 

(((hugs)))

[SerenityX2]

I totally agree with the others.

 

Please, please remember...you shouldn't need band aids and glue to go INTO a r'ship...ever. People need to come to each other whole to have any shot of a healthy r'ship.

 

He will need to hit rock bottom himself, if you try to help...more than likely he's not going to want to admit a problem...even if he's joking about it. This is his coping mechanism and until HE wants to admit the problem, he won't see it.

 

I understand you'd help a girlfriend etc...but that's totally different (and even they may not listen!) He's someone that you have strong feelings for and being a "savior" is a very powerful aphrodisiac...I know that, however it will only lead to frustration and disappointment.

 

Unfortunately most people have to reach the bottom of their personal hell until they have the drive to want to climb out.