Why Does This Bother Me? LONG!!

[dirty diana]

This is follow up to my thread "Should I back off Altogether?" If you read it you will know I got involved in a brief affair with someone I work with. We agreed it was just for fun and if one of us wanted out we would say so. We were together a few times then he wanted out. He didn't want to be involved with a married woman.

 

We've talked a few times since then. Last call he shared info about his ex girlfriend. How he still loves her but knows they can't be together. Up until that time I did not really know about the ex or that it was serious. When he told me I wasn't upset or anything but it caught me off guard. I felt sorry for him though cause he seemed pretty down about it.

 

I wanted to brighten his day so a few days later I left a greeting card in his work mailbox. The inside read 'Have a Happy Little Day.' I signed it with a smiley face - no name.

 

Today he left a message saying hi and asking if I had left the card. I called him back, yes I left the card, just wanted to make you smile since last time we talked you seemed a little down. He was appreciative, said it did make him smile and he had it sitting on his desk. Then he explained why he's been feeling so down ...

 

Because of his ex. He loves her and is hurting w/o her. Wrote her a letter a week ago begging that they give it another shot. He's never begged a woman because of his pride but wants to be with her, marry her, dedicate his life to her and her four year old daughter. The whole time I'm listening and thinking to myself WTF but I was trying to be supportive. The reason I was thinking WTF is I didn't know about this woman and his love for her and it caught me off guard. So even though I was thinking WTF I asked if there was any way he could win her back and fight for the relationship. He said no because she has moved on ...

 

The reason she moved on is every time he tried to get close to her she pushed him away. When he's in love with someone he gives it his all and he just couldn't stand the way she was pushing him away so he suggested they date other people. She agreed but then he met someone and "some things happened" and the ex found out about it ...

 

So now I'm really thinking WTF but I ask why the ex is mad if she agreed to an open relationship. She's mad that he moved to the next level and slept with someone so she called it off and moved on. He wrote her the letter and she has until Thursday to respond and if not he's done. I asked what if she calls Friday would it be too late and he said yes. If she loved him she would not ignore that heartfelt letter and leave him hanging. That he is done even though he was sure he was going to marry her if they could have worked things out. Although he knew she wasn't necessarily right for him he loved her and would have married her. I said really -- you would have married her even though you knew she wasn't right for you and he said yes. Not tomorrow but six months to a year cause despite her flaws she helped him through a really tough time -- the death of his wife...

 

He went on to say he's dating this other woman that he likes but has concerns about. And no matter what he will never give his heart up again. So again, I'm thinking WTF ... you're dating somebody ... else?? But again, I was trying to be supportive cause at that point I was really confused. I suggested to him that he not close his heart, what if he meets the right person but misses out on the opportunity because he's shut himself down. The conversation went on that way a bit, he said something about the ex and how he "loved" her, to which I corrected and said "love", to which he acted like he didn't want to admit. All of a sudden he said he had to go and that was the end of the conversation ...

 

So please ya'll, help me figure out what's bothering me so much about this whole thing? I don't think I'm jealous, I mean I accept that he doesn't want to be involved with me. Other than the card I left I have not made any advances or tried to contact him. Am I bothered because I didn't know he was dating? Did he use me as a way to fill a void with the ex? Did he back off from me not because of my husband but because of his ex ... and the other woman he's dating. Am I mad because the call ended and I didn't get a chance to ask him these questions myself? I know it's irrational to be bothered by it, but I am ... and I don't understand why!!!

[Owl]

I think its likely that you ARE jealous, but don't realize it.

 

I'm also curious tho, after having read your threads, I still see nothing in any of them about the status of your marriage, or any plans to either end it or fix it?

[dirty diana]

I think its likely that you ARE jealous, but don't realize it.

 

I'm also curious tho, after having read your threads, I still see nothing in any of them about the status of your marriage, or any plans to either end it or fix it?

 

Perhaps you are correct. But why am I jealous? Human nature?

 

ETA: To answer your question about my marriage, I haven't posted here cause it's complex and hard to put into words. I will at some point though. Suppose I need to quit pining over the OM (cause that's what I'm doing at this point) before I can truly focus on the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Because you have feelings for him and it's obvious that he doesn't have the same type of feelings for you, and he doesn't see you in that light.

[Owl]

ETA: To answer your question about my marriage, I haven't posted here cause it's complex and hard to put into words. I will at some point though. Suppose I need to quit pining over the OM (cause that's what I'm doing at this point) before I can truly focus on the marriage.

 

Not really. You won't WANT to focus on your marriage while you're still pining for OM....but you can still make the choices to take action to fix things while you're still in that mode.

 

From my perspective, the best way to quit pining for OM is to start looking for ways to get your marriage to start meeting the emotional needs that OM was meeting instead.

[dirty diana]

Because you have feelings for him and it's obvious that he doesn't have the same type of feelings for you, and he doesn't see you in that light.

 

Must be true cause that hurt!

[whichwayisup]

Now you see it's impossible to be "friends" with someone you have feelings for. All it does is upset you, want him more while he goes on with his life. Do yourself a favour, detach from him, distance yourself from his daily life and try to close your heart off from him. If you don't do this, YOU will be the one who hurts and suffers, maybe miss out on a special somebody because you're hung up on a guy who isn't into you.

 

Sorry that you're hurting though.

[Lookingforward]

Now you see it's impossible to be "friends" with someone you have feelings for. All it does is upset you, want him more while he goes on with his life. Do yourself a favour, detach from him, distance yourself from his daily life and try to close your heart off from him. If you don't do this, YOU will be the one who hurts and suffers, maybe miss out on a special somebody because you're hung up on a guy who isn't into you.

 

Sorry that you're hurting though.

 

 

ummm...she's already married.........

[whichwayisup]

Oops I forgot. Thanks LF for pointing that out to me. Okay scratch that last part.

 

DD, you need to forget the OM and focus on your husband. Either fix the marriage or get out. Lusting after another man isn't fair to your husband.

[dirty diana]

Been thinking about things. Yes I am jealous. Probably would not have been if he hadn't ended it. I wanted to be in control and when I wasn't I was drawn to him. The good thing is he doesn't know. I haven't revealed feelings toward him whatsoever.

 

I realize I can't be his friend. It's too hard. Besides, I don't think he's been upfront with me. I think he's a player.

 

I was away from work today so he called my cell and left a message to razz me about taking the day off. I didn't return the call...

 

I wonder what he's getting out of it at this point ... why he keeps calling. The answers I come up with are: -- he wants to keep things friendly for work sake, or -- he wants to keep me on call in case things don't work out with the love of his life and the woman he's dating.

[OpenBook]

I wonder what he's getting out of it at this point ... why he keeps calling. The answers I come up with are: -- he wants to keep things friendly for work sake, or -- he wants to keep me on call in case things don't work out with the love of his life and the woman he's dating.

 

Maybe he genuinely likes you. You're definitely good for his ego... which is where he really needs the boost right now. You're his band-aid. Aren't you a little too "raw" right now to handle that?

[GreenEyedLady]

I wonder what he's getting out of it at this point ... why he keeps calling. The answers I come up with are: -- he wants to keep things friendly for work sake, or -- he wants to keep me on call in case things don't work out with the love of his life and the woman he's dating.

 

You seem to be mad at him. Yet it is YOU who are married. You are the one who's upset he's dating, but you already have a life partner. Who's the player here?

[dirty diana]

Maybe he genuinely likes you. You're definitely good for his ego... which is where he really needs the boost right now. You're his band-aid. Aren't you a little too "raw" right now to handle that?

 

Yes

 

You seem to be mad at him. Yet it is YOU who are married. You are the one who's upset he's dating, but you already have a life partner. Who's the player here?

 

I understand how it sounds to refer to him as the player. What I meant was he was not upfront about his ex and the other woman. He portrayed himself as lonely but it seems as though he keeps himself quite busy with the ladies. We engaged in some pretty serious conversations and not once did he mention the ex and his love for her. He talked a lot about his wife so it's not like the conversation didn't lend itself. But he's smooth and he knew talking about his ex upfront could have soured his chances to get what he wanted from me.

[GreenEyedLady]

What I meant was he was not upfront about his ex and the other woman. He portrayed himself as lonely but it seems as though he keeps himself quite busy with the ladies. We engaged in some pretty serious conversations and not once did he mention the ex and his love for her. He talked a lot about his wife so it's not like the conversation didn't lend itself. But he's smooth and he knew talking about his ex upfront could have soured his chances to get what he wanted from me.

 

With you being married, he could have figured he wouldn't need to be upfront with you. And some people don't talk about their past (present) R's out of respect to that person and not wanting to share about it.

 

Why would it have soured his chances? He knew you were married and it was just supposed to be fun and games. From what you're posting, it sounds like you wanted it to be more and you're hurt and angry that it wasn't.

[dirty diana]

With you being married, he could have figured he wouldn't need to be upfront with you. And some people don't talk about their past (present) R's out of respect to that person and not wanting to share about it.

 

Why would it have soured his chances? He knew you were married and it was just supposed to be fun and games. From what you're posting, it sounds like you wanted it to be more and you're hurt and angry that it wasn't.

 

I'm hurt by the way he has handled things. I never wanted more than fun and games, but when he wanted the fun to end, the way he ended things -- it got to me. We set up parameters of how things would be. He didn't stick with the parameters as far as how things ended. Also we've shared a lot with one another, especially about relationships and even before we ever had sex. Unlike most men, he's a talker and we've engaged in some intense conversation. I was hurt (and surprised) he never said anything about the ex and the other woman, that's all.

[whichwayisup]

I was hurt (and surprised) he never said anything about the ex and the other woman, that's all.

 

But you're married and maybe in his mind he felt like he didn't OWE you. Meaning, since you're lying to your husband, having an affair, he figured she has HER OWN life, I can have mine and not tell her about it.

 

Don't let this kill you because at the end of the day there are bigger issues to solve, not having anything to do with the OM. Need to focus on you, your H and decide what to do there.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm hurt by the way he has handled things. I never wanted more than fun and games, but when he wanted the fun to end, the way he ended things -- it got to me. We set up parameters of how things would be. He didn't stick with the parameters as far as how things ended. Also we've shared a lot with one another, especially about relationships and even before we ever had sex. Unlike most men, he's a talker and we've engaged in some intense conversation. I was hurt (and surprised) he never said anything about the ex and the other woman, that's all.

 

 

 

Why be upset with him about not sticking with parameters, you didn't with your husband, imagine how he would feel about that. It is odd that you would find yourself in the same situation as your husband and feel hurt and angry by it what is happening to you. This is something you chose, but your H didn't. And the circle keeps turning.

[dirty diana]

He called this morning. He asked what I did on my day and over the weekend. He proceeded to tell me about his weekend. He was at a bar and met someone. I laughed cause he hates bars. He didn't share much about this new someone and I didn't ask.

 

I don't remember what we were talking about but he made a comment about kicking my butt or asked if I needed him to give me a butt kicking.I said I'd had enough butt kicking from him. I told him that he bruised my ego. He scoffed and said "Really?" ... Men are so aloof! I said, yes really. He said is it because I backed out? I said no. It was the way you handled it. He said I told you why, right? (The woman he loves) Did that make it better? I said no, that made it worse. He said REALLY?? So then he started apologizing for backing out, he didn't want to be the reason if my marriage ends, thought he could handle it better, etc ... I asked himnot to apologize. I wanted him to understand I wasn't mad because he backed out but because of the way he handled it.

 

That piece of the conversation didn't go too far. I was at my desk, folks were listening so I couldn't elaborate. Somehow, the conversation turned toward the woman he loves? (I think I asked if he heard from her yet.)

He talked about her for a long time. Someplace along the way I felt compelled to tell him I was hurt that in all our conversations he never told me about the woman he loves. So I say to him -- May I share something with you? We had been on the phone for close to 30 minutes at that point so he said yes, please share but I will call you back. (I work 3rd shift and he works 1st so I was readying to leave the office.) He agreed to call me back in an hour, which he did on the dot.

 

The break in conversation helped me realize it's pointless to tell him how I feel about not knowing about the woman he loves. It's not going to make a bit of difference cause what's done is done. When he called back he was eager to know what I wanted to share and I told him that I changed my mind. He was frustrated by that but left the door open for me to share at a later time.

 

He talked some more about the woman he loves. I asked lots of questions and was interested in what he had to say. I tried to be a friend which wasn't hard at all compared to last week. I could tell he truly appreciated the fact that I listened and the advice I gave. He said he could tell that I was starting to get to know him and he's glad I know him more than on a physical level. Me too.

 

 

I know I said I wasn't going to be friends with this man but I just can't help it. I really enjoy talking with him. That's how the relationship started -- friendly chit chat, playful banter, challenging one another and debating thoughts. He's a good talker. He talks more than or just as much as women I know.

 

He called back a little while ago. He thought I would be sleeping and the call would go to VM. He called to say thanks for the chit chat and that it was nice. We debated briefly about he woman he loves and what he should do to get her back. We completely disagree on the subject and he wanted to offer more info he thought could sway me. We both got a good laugh out of that.

 

Sigh ...

 

I just wanted to add that I am VERY clear on the way this man feels about me. I'm not trying to be a friend in hopes he will start something back up with me. I don't think that would happen as he has been very upfront about what he wants and I respect that.

[A.G.Doren]

Why be upset with him about not sticking with parameters, you didn't with your husband, imagine how he would feel about that. It is odd that you would find yourself in the same situation as your husband and feel hurt and angry by it what is happening to you. This is something you chose, but your H didn't. And the circle keeps turning.

 

 

Quoted for truth. Please take this to heart.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just wanted to add that I am VERY clear on the way this man feels about me. I'm not trying to be a friend in hopes he will start something back up with me. I don't think that would happen as he has been very upfront about what he wants and I respect that.

 

Why do you expect him to trust you?

 

Also, you have declined on several occaisions to speak about your Marriage, yet with all honesty, I believe that is the central issue here.

 

I think you need to finally open up about that if you want to get any kind of decent advice. If you wish to simply blog or vent... continue on as is. So, maybe you should think about how you want to use this forum.

[dirty diana]

Why do you expect him to trust you?

 

Also, you have declined on several occaisions to speak about your Marriage, yet with all honesty, I believe that is the central issue here.

 

I think you need to finally open up about that if you want to get any kind of decent advice. If you wish to simply blog or vent... continue on as is. So, maybe you should think about how you want to use this forum.

 

If I was interested in posting about my marriage I would likely do so in the Marriage forum. But I'm not interested in discussing it which is why the topic hasn't been discussed much in my posts. If that keeps someone from responding or giving advice then so be it. I'm fine with the way I'm using this forum. I'm not trying to be rude and appreciate your opinion.

[Meaplus3]

This is follow up to my thread "Should I back off Altogether?" If you read it you will know I got involved in a brief affair with someone I work with. We agreed it was just for fun and if one of us wanted out we would say so. We were together a few times then he wanted out. He didn't want to be involved with a married woman.

 

We've talked a few times since then. Last call he shared info about his ex girlfriend. How he still loves her but knows they can't be together. Up until that time I did not really know about the ex or that it was serious. When he told me I wasn't upset or anything but it caught me off guard. I felt sorry for him though cause he seemed pretty down about it.

 

I wanted to brighten his day so a few days later I left a greeting card in his work mailbox. The inside read 'Have a Happy Little Day.' I signed it with a smiley face - no name.

 

Today he left a message saying hi and asking if I had left the card. I called him back, yes I left the card, just wanted to make you smile since last time we talked you seemed a little down. He was appreciative, said it did make him smile and he had it sitting on his desk. Then he explained why he's been feeling so down ...

 

Because of his ex. He loves her and is hurting w/o her. Wrote her a letter a week ago begging that they give it another shot. He's never begged a woman because of his pride but wants to be with her, marry her, dedicate his life to her and her four year old daughter. The whole time I'm listening and thinking to myself WTF but I was trying to be supportive. The reason I was thinking WTF is I didn't know about this woman and his love for her and it caught me off guard. So even though I was thinking WTF I asked if there was any way he could win her back and fight for the relationship. He said no because she has moved on ...

 

The reason she moved on is every time he tried to get close to her she pushed him away. When he's in love with someone he gives it his all and he just couldn't stand the way she was pushing him away so he suggested they date other people. She agreed but then he met someone and "some things happened" and the ex found out about it ...

 

So now I'm really thinking WTF but I ask why the ex is mad if she agreed to an open relationship. She's mad that he moved to the next level and slept with someone so she called it off and moved on. He wrote her the letter and she has until Thursday to respond and if not he's done. I asked what if she calls Friday would it be too late and he said yes. If she loved him she would not ignore that heartfelt letter and leave him hanging. That he is done even though he was sure he was going to marry her if they could have worked things out. Although he knew she wasn't necessarily right for him he loved her and would have married her. I said really -- you would have married her even though you knew she wasn't right for you and he said yes. Not tomorrow but six months to a year cause despite her flaws she helped him through a really tough time -- the death of his wife...

 

He went on to say he's dating this other woman that he likes but has concerns about. And no matter what he will never give his heart up again. So again, I'm thinking WTF ... you're dating somebody ... else?? But again, I was trying to be supportive cause at that point I was really confused. I suggested to him that he not close his heart, what if he meets the right person but misses out on the opportunity because he's shut himself down. The conversation went on that way a bit, he said something about the ex and how he "loved" her, to which I corrected and said "love", to which he acted like he didn't want to admit. All of a sudden he said he had to go and that was the end of the conversation ...

 

So please ya'll, help me figure out what's bothering me so much about this whole thing? I don't think I'm jealous, I mean I accept that he doesn't want to be involved with me. Other than the card I left I have not made any advances or tried to contact him. Am I bothered because I didn't know he was dating? Did he use me as a way to fill a void with the ex? Did he back off from me not because of my husband but because of his ex ... and the other woman he's dating. Am I mad because the call ended and I didn't get a chance to ask him these questions myself? I know it's irrational to be bothered by it, but I am ... and I don't understand why!!!

 

 

We agreed it was just for fun and if one of us wanted out we would say so. We were together a few times then he wanted out. He didn't want to be involved with a married woman.

 

Just for fun?? Your a married woman. You need to focus on your marriage and what's missing from that union that's causing you to stray. The longer you put off focusing on your marriage.. the worse off you will be. Think of how much hurt you will cause you H, if you don't end this.

 

AP:)

[Owl]

If I was interested in posting about my marriage I would likely do so in the Marriage forum. But I'm not interested in discussing it which is why the topic hasn't been discussed much in my posts. If that keeps someone from responding or giving advice then so be it. I'm fine with the way I'm using this forum. I'm not trying to be rude and appreciate your opinion.

 

I think that you'll find that there's a good reason why several posters have asked about your marriage.

 

You see, its that dichotomy of seperating your marriage and your affair that led you down the path where you're at now. Its why you're in the situation you're in, and its a large part of why you're feeling the way that you feel.

 

And SOLVING one problem is very, very likely to solve the other.

 

By avoiding discussing your marriage, and avoid discussing what it would potentially take to fix the issues there, you're also avoiding the most likely potential avenue to fix the problems you're here to discuss in the first place.

 

The bottom line...I can't/won't offer advice to continue the affair. I can/will offer advice to help you recover from the affair if that's your choice. At the end of the day...that's all up to you.

 

Good luck to you in whatever you choose.

[dirty diana]

Thanks for your opinion Owl. In starting this thread I was not looking for advice about my marriage which is why I haven't touched on the subject much. When I posted the updates it's not because I was looking for advice on how to continue the affair. He doesn't want to continue it and no amount of advice I get here is going to make him change his mind. By posting the update I was just venting and well, providing an update of things.

 

I understand what you are saying though, that if I fixed things in my marriage I wouldn't have to seek advice on why I was bothered by the OM's behavior. But if fixing things were that easy, I wouldn't haven't ended up with the OM in the first place. I've been married for ten years and together with my husband for fifteen. A lot has happened in fifteen years.

[Owl]

I've been married for 20 years...and had been married for 16 at the time of my wife's affair.

 

I totally understand that a lot can happen in that time.

 

But I can also tell you from my own personal experiences that a lot can be overcome too.

 

And I'd also like to point out that I'm not suggesting saving your marriage at any cost...what I AM pointing out is that you need to do SOMETHING about your marriage situation before you can proceed on to anything else.

 

Either fix it OR end it.

 

Regardless, the bottom line is that its not just your marriage, either. You share it with someone else...for good or bad, that's exactly what it is. And at the moment, he doesn't know the truth of that marriage. He's not aware of all that's gone on (or I am mistaken)...and you're not taking any steps to rectify the situation, and use what's happened to either improve or end your marriage at all.

 

Let me ask you bluntly...what do YOU see as the best possible outcome of your current situation? What would you WANT to have if you could make it happen?