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Hi I'm new, my MM has proposal for divorce or alternative.


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Hiya. I'm new and happy to have found this forum. I've been with my MM on and off for a year and a half. He's told me from the beginning that he and his wife are divorcing, but it hasn't happened yet. I broke it off with him several times because of that. Each time he's said it's close and please don't go. I didn't do it to be selfish, I just love him and can't bear not having him to myself. It drives me crazy wondering when he's going to get divorced.

 

I love him and I know he loves me. I know he's getting divorced, I think he's just taking his sweet time about it and trying not to rock the boat. I tried to do something different this time. On this forum I've been browsing and reading about "NC" but I didn't know what that was until I came here. So a few days ago I told we couldn't have any more contact while he's still married, because it's too hard on me. I explained to him that this is not about being upset with him for staying married too long, that's his decision to make and I just can't be a part of it. (I've been listening to some of your advice without asking any questions myself. So I should say thank you. :))

 

While I've broken it off before, I always end up giving in after SOME amount of time and talking to him. It's so hard not to, I love him so much. But this is killing me. So this time something really does have to change. I don't want to wait around and around and around... so that's why I went NC with him.

 

It obviously didn't last long though, sorry to say. It was really hard on him and I couldn't bear it. I hate to hurt him. Last night he told me he's going away on a trip this weekend for a week and a half. He said his wife said she wants to file for divorce when they get back. Well, he's said similar things like that before and so far it hasn't happened. But he said he understands that I need some certainty, so he has a proposal for when he gets back. He said they will file and if they don't-- if she has a reason to stall like she's had in the past, according to him-- then he will tell her he's in love with me and we will be together, which will make her realize there's no reason to stall anymore, he is certain he wants divorce and he wants to be with me. He said that if they don't file, and he doesn't tell her about me, then he will never contact me any more for good, because he knows it isn't fair for me.

 

He told me to think about it and let him know before he leaves for his trip. I'm not sure what there is for me to think about. This decision is on him, right? I'm just glad he's decided to poop or get off the pot. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I feel. It's what I've been telling him I need: either divorce and be with me completely, or don't be with me at all! I haven't tried to sound demanding about it but I just can't go on like this and I've been trying to tell him that. He said he understands, so this is his proposal, but he said it takes the decision of both of us, that there are two people involved in our relationship, not just him. Maybe he is asking me for some kind of permission to tell his wife about me?

 

I'm going to tell him of course I am okay with this proposal and I agree. It is what I have wanted and what I need. I will be so anxious in between the time he leaves and the time he gets back and they file or don't file or whatever. I'm so excited to be with him if this works out. But honestly I'm just relieved that it's coming to a head one way or another. Because if it doesn't work out he has promised to leave me alone and that is what I need: sweet peace! I love him but this relationship has been more drama than I signed up for and I need resolution on this.

 

In the meantime I thought I'd sign up and come chat with you all, because I'm going crazy waiting! So I just wanted to introduce myself and give my story. There you have it, as of now. Is his proposal that weird or does it make sense to you all?

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Hiya. I'm new and happy to have found this forum. I've been with my MM on and off for a year and a half. He's told me from the beginning that he and his wife are divorcing, but it hasn't happened yet. I broke it off with him several times because of that. Each time he's said it's close and please don't go. I didn't do it to be selfish, I just love him and can't bear not having him to myself. It drives me crazy wondering when he's going to get divorced.

 

I love him and I know he loves me. I know he's getting divorced, I think he's just taking his sweet time about it and trying not to rock the boat. I tried to do something different this time. On this forum I've been browsing and reading about "NC" but I didn't know what that was until I came here. So a few days ago I told we couldn't have any more contact while he's still married, because it's too hard on me. I explained to him that this is not about being upset with him for staying married too long, that's his decision to make and I just can't be a part of it. (I've been listening to some of your advice without asking any questions myself. So I should say thank you. :))

 

While I've broken it off before, I always end up giving in after SOME amount of time and talking to him. It's so hard not to, I love him so much. But this is killing me. So this time something really does have to change. I don't want to wait around and around and around... so that's why I went NC with him.

 

It obviously didn't last long though, sorry to say. It was really hard on him and I couldn't bear it. I hate to hurt him. Last night he told me he's going away on a trip this weekend for a week and a half. He said his wife said she wants to file for divorce when they get back. Well, he's said similar things like that before and so far it hasn't happened. But he said he understands that I need some certainty, so he has a proposal for when he gets back. He said they will file and if they don't-- if she has a reason to stall like she's had in the past, according to him-- then he will tell her he's in love with me and we will be together, which will make her realize there's no reason to stall anymore, he is certain he wants divorce and he wants to be with me. He said that if they don't file, and he doesn't tell her about me, then he will never contact me any more for good, because he knows it isn't fair for me.

 

He told me to think about it and let him know before he leaves for his trip. I'm not sure what there is for me to think about. This decision is on him, right? I'm just glad he's decided to poop or get off the pot. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I feel. It's what I've been telling him I need: either divorce and be with me completely, or don't be with me at all! I haven't tried to sound demanding about it but I just can't go on like this and I've been trying to tell him that. He said he understands, so this is his proposal, but he said it takes the decision of both of us, that there are two people involved in our relationship, not just him. Maybe he is asking me for some kind of permission to tell his wife about me?

 

I'm going to tell him of course I am okay with this proposal and I agree. It is what I have wanted and what I need. I will be so anxious in between the time he leaves and the time he gets back and they file or don't file or whatever. I'm so excited to be with him if this works out. But honestly I'm just relieved that it's coming to a head one way or another. Because if it doesn't work out he has promised to leave me alone and that is what I need: sweet peace! I love him but this relationship has been more drama than I signed up for and I need resolution on this.

 

In the meantime I thought I'd sign up and come chat with you all, because I'm going crazy waiting! So I just wanted to introduce myself and give my story. There you have it, as of now. Is his proposal that weird or does it make sense to you all?

 

Like most MM, he doesn't want to leave his M unless he's SURE he has someone else.......don't know why it's that way, but it's a common theme here - MM rarely leave their Ms without someone else waiting in the wings.......

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Like most MM, he doesn't want to leave his M unless he's SURE he has someone else.......don't know why it's that way, but it's a common theme here - MM rarely leave their Ms without someone else waiting in the wings.......

 

Hmmm. I see your point, this could be. But from the start he's said they were getting divorced. He said their marriage has been over for a long time. So why would he need me waiting in the wings? This is so confusing! I feel like that's so much responsibility on me. I mean, I love him, but that makes me feel like I'm his security blanket, not his true partner. And I feel like the fate of his wife and their marriage rests in my hands. Is this the price I have to pay for love?

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I'm not saying your MM isn't going to get divorced he very well could be, and maybe for whatever reason its just taken him some time to get his ducks in a row.

 

However, do you think its at all possible he might not really want to get a divorce? Maybe he is wanting to hang onto you and his marriage? There are some out there who like it like that. Best of both worlds is how they might see it.

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Hmmm. I see your point, this could be. But from the start he's said they were getting divorced. He said their marriage has been over for a long time. So why would he need me waiting in the wings? This is so confusing! I feel like that's so much responsibility on me. I mean, I love him, but that makes me feel like I'm his security blanket, not his true partner. And I feel like the fate of his wife and their marriage rests in my hands. Is this the price I have to pay for love?

 

well think about it - he's not going to try to start a R with you by saying "oh and fwiw I'm not planning on leaving my wife" is he now ?

 

Tell him this decision is HIS to make, and you prefer to have no input at this point.......

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just at least keep your guard up because chances are very high that he won't file for divorce.

 

i just don't want you to set yourself up for more pain. be realistic and understand that the NC is to protect you and help you to heal and move forward.

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He has put your life on hold long enough for you to wait and see what it is he may or may not do. Its your choice now on what you feel you need to do. Continue to wait for him to maybe or maybe not get divorced, or to move on with your life.

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I'm not saying your MM isn't going to get divorced he very well could be, and maybe for whatever reason its just taken him some time to get his ducks in a row.

 

However, do you think its at all possible he might not really want to get a divorce? Maybe he is wanting to hang onto you and his marriage? There are some out there who like it like that. Best of both worlds is how they might see it.

 

Jack, anything is possible at this point. As I've said, he's told me many times they are getting divorced and yet it never happens. I get frustrated but I don't want to add to his stress with my own. There doesn't ever look to be a good option for me. That's why I'm so glad he agreed to NC if they don't file when he gets back. If he doesn't want to get divorced, that's fine, I'll move on. I love him but not to the point of waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing.

 

If it's so clear cut, I don't understand why he can't just file when he gets back. Why involve me? To let me know that if they don't file, he'll leave me alone? Okay. Good, that is what I want. I guess he wants my agreement on the alternative option- for him to tell his wife about me. Why can't that just be his choice?

 

Jack I've considered that he wants to stay married and keep me as an OW. He never said that but his actions speak otherwise. That is an option I won't accept. I believe he knows that and that's why he's proposed to tell her, divorce her, or leave me alone. I guess those really are the only options.

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well think about it - he's not going to try to start a R with you by saying "oh and fwiw I'm not planning on leaving my wife" is he now ?

 

Tell him this decision is HIS to make, and you prefer to have no input at this point.......

 

I've tried that. I guess I haven't stuck to my guns enough. Would it be so bad to give him assurance that I am here? The crazy thing is- I have been here. I haven't gone anywhere. This is all so confusing. I guess he wants assurance that if he tells his wife, I will help him through it. Well okay. First he has to tell her and I'm not sure what I have to do with that. I can only come in after the fact but he's asked me to think about it beforehand.

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Jack I've considered that he wants to stay married and keep me as an OW. He never said that but his actions speak otherwise. That is an option I won't accept. I believe he knows that and that's why he's proposed to tell her, divorce her, or leave me alone. I guess those really are the only options.

 

He's never said that because he doesn't believe you'll stay if you knew that was the only role he wanted you as...mistress/other woman.

 

Remember...ACTIONS speak far, far louder than words. Words lie, actions tell the truth.

 

Ignoring his words...what are his actions telling you that he wants/plans?

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Ignoring his words...what are his actions telling you that he wants/plans?

 

His actions are telling me nothing. :( A big fat nothing. I guess I have to wait and see when he comes back from his trip whether they file or he tells his wife. That would be an action.

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His actions are telling me nothing. :( A big fat nothing. I guess I have to wait and see when he comes back from his trip whether they file or he tells his wife. That would be an action.

 

Yes they are - they're telling you he's a cake eater

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Yes they are - they're telling you he's a cake eater

 

Or maybe he's just afraid to take the leap?

 

If he files for divorce or tells her about me, then he'll no longer be a cake-eater...

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His actions are telling me nothing. :( A big fat nothing. I guess I have to wait and see when he comes back from his trip whether they file or he tells his wife. That would be an action.

 

 

 

nothing is actually something in this case. since he's done nothing to move forward with you - it is that he is still doing something to stay in the marriage...

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I've tried that. I guess I haven't stuck to my guns enough. Would it be so bad to give him assurance that I am here? The crazy thing is- I have been here. I haven't gone anywhere. This is all so confusing. I guess he wants assurance that if he tells his wife, I will help him through it. Well okay. First he has to tell her and I'm not sure what I have to do with that. I can only come in after the fact but he's asked me to think about it beforehand.

 

You should want him to D because it's the best thing for him, not ONLY if you are around waiting for him, surely ?

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nothing is actually something in this case. since he's done nothing to move forward with you - it is that he is still doing something to stay in the marriage...

 

He says he has been trying to get divorced but she's been resisting. He also tells me they are working out their divorce and dividing their assets etc. He says it's progressing.

 

So is the consensus that I should just walk away from him for good, no more chances? Am I a fool to believe in what he tells me?

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You should want him to D because it's the best thing for him, not ONLY if you are around waiting for him, surely ?

 

Yes. But what if he would stay married except he would rather be with me because he loves me? (He doesn't say that. But that's what I can guess based on the fact that he's been saying he wants divorced forever but he isn't yet.) Like, what if he just realized he married the wrong person and I'm the right one? (He does say that to me all the time.) Then would it be bad for him to get divorced? I mean, doesn't that happen?

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He says he has been trying to get divorced but she's been resisting. He also tells me they are working out their divorce and dividing their assets etc. He says it's progressing.

 

So is the consensus that I should just walk away from him for good, no more chances? Am I a fool to believe in what he tells me?

 

You go full on no contact and tell him to come see you when he is officially divorced, with papers in hand, signed proof that he is infact divorced. If you stay as the OW in his life, he won't do anything, things will remain the same. He TELLS you things are in progress, but you really don't know, do you?

 

In all honesty, if he truly loved you and wanted his marriage over, he would just move out of his house and tell his wife sorry but I need to divorce you so I can move on with my life. He hasn't done that...

 

Do they have kids? How long has he been married? This is something else to consider, if kids are involved then chances are even less that he is going to leave.

Yes. But what if he would stay married except he would rather be with me because he loves me? (He doesn't say that. But that's what I can guess based on the fact that he's been saying he wants divorced forever but he isn't yet.) Like, what if he just realized he married the wrong person and I'm the right one? (He does say that to me all the time.) Then would it be bad for him to get divorced? I mean, doesn't that happen?

 

This has nothing to do with love - It's about his life created with his wife, their families, lifestyle, house, friends - Their history etc...That's alot to give up.

 

Do yourself a favour, tell him to not call you or see you anymore, that you do NOT want to continue being the OW in his life, that it's unfair to you, you're fed up being second fiddle. If he wants you, he can divorce. If he doesn't divorce then you'll know he's OK with his life at home with his wife and maybe things weren't as bad as he's made it out to be.

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If it's so clear cut, I don't understand why he can't just file when he gets back. Why involve me? To let me know that if they don't file, he'll leave me alone?

 

because he wants assurance that you will still be waiting for him when he gets back. And while he decides what the hell he wants with his life.

 

bottom line? If this man were honestly interested in leaving his wife to be with you, nothing would have stopped him from just up and filing the paperwork to be with you as soon as he could. Because he couldn't stand being apart from you a minute longer than necessary.

 

however, from what you've written, it sounds as if Lover Boy wants the convenience of a marriage AND a girlfriend, and nothing more.

 

are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for a decision that will forever be waffled because he knows you'll put up with his indecision?

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You go full on no contact and tell him to come see you when he is officially divorced, with papers in hand, signed proof that he is infact divorced. If you stay as the OW in his life, he won't do anything, things will remain the same. He TELLS you things are in progress, but you really don't know, do you?

 

No I don't know anything about the state of his marriage right now. He tells me things are horrible at home and she wants to divorce too. But that doesn't jive with the fact that it hasn't happen. I'm a smart girl. At least I thought so. Why is it so hard for me to figure him out? What am I supposed to say, "I don't believe that you are really getting divorced?"

 

In all honesty, if he truly loved you and wanted his marriage over, he would just move out of his house and tell his wife sorry but I need to divorce you so I can move on with my life. He hasn't done that...

 

This is hard to hear but I am thinking about it. It seems to go against the theory that he loves me but needs assurance that I will be there for him when he leaves...

 

Do they have kids? How long has he been married? This is something else to consider, if kids are involved then chances are even less that he is going to leave.

 

They don't have kids. They've been married a long time. He's talked about wanting kids with me, wanting to marry me. I don't get it.

 

This has nothing to do with love - It's about his life created with his wife, their families, lifestyle, house, friends - Their history etc...That's alot to give up.

But you said that if does love me, he would leave. I'm just trying to understand. He is very attached to his house. But doesn't he see that we could have our own house together? He's even talked about it. Maybe I need to show him more about what our life together could be like, so that he knows he's not trading in everything for nothing. But I don't know if that lets him see me as continuing to be the OW, dreaming about a future with him one day...

Do yourself a favour, tell him to not call you or see you anymore, that you do NOT want to continue being the OW in his life, that it's unfair to you, you're fed up being second fiddle. If he wants you, he can divorce. If he doesn't divorce then you'll know he's OK with his life at home with his wife and maybe things weren't as bad as he's made it out to be.

I've told him that, but it hasn't lasted. I don't know how to make it stick. I thought his proposal was a good compromise.

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because he wants assurance that you will still be waiting for him when he gets back. And while he decides what the hell he wants with his life.

 

Okay, so you think he is going to do some soul searching on this trip and decide whether he can go through with divorce? And he wants to know I'll be there waiting for him? Well then what has he been doing for all this time? He's only doing that now that I've tried to go NC? Or is he just buying time? I could give him a little more time, and I can show him I will still be here waiting. I'm not even sure why he's questioning that. But I just don't understand what's taken him so long to do this soul searching, if your theory is correct.

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"Well then what has he been doing for all this time?"

 

 

 

"But I just don't understand what's taken him so long to do this soul searching."

 

 

 

I might be wrong, but I don't think he is really doing much soul serching. I think he is just biding his time with his wife and you for as long as he feels he can continue to get away with it. If he has not come to some kind of decison by now after all this time, I doubt going on this trip will make him any closer to a decison.

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I agree. My point earlier about actions was to hopefully let you see that his INACTIONS indicate that he likes things the way that they are.

 

He's not doing anything, because he doesn't want anything to change.

 

He's got his wife meeting some of his needs, and you meeting some of his needs. WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE THAT?

 

He's a classic example of a cake-eater. Its not that he's trying to be nice...he's had a YEAR to make a choice and take action.

 

The fact that in the last year...NOTHING AT ALL has changed should be the biggest indicator here for you.

 

And nothing will change...unless something or someone FORCES a change.

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