Why not tell the wife?

[herenow]

After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

 

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie?

 

I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth.

[neverendingsaga]

well here is my two cents, im not an OW anymore. when i was an OW, i guess the main reason i didnt tell his W was that i didnt want him to be mad at me. i know he would say it wasnt my place & its his business & id just hurt her. and i DIDNT want to hurt her but i also didnt want to face that what we were doing WAS hurting her & perhaps at least w/ the truth, she would know & could make her own desicions. i still think she should know & i feel sorry for what i did. but i guess its too late after the fact.

 

now i dont tell her b/c im sure she wouldnt want to find out from me, of all ppl, im not sure if shed want to know or not. im pretty sure she would but i doubt from me. also for selfish reasons i just want to stay away from him & all his drama & that would bring alot more drama.

[herenow]

well here is my two cents, im not an OW anymore. when i was an OW, i guess the main reason i didnt tell his W was that i didnt want him to be mad at me. i know he would say it wasnt my place & its his business & id just hurt her. and i DIDNT want to hurt her but i also didnt want to face that what we were doing WAS hurting her & perhaps at least w/ the truth, she would know & could make her own desicions. i still think she should know & i feel sorry for what i did. but i guess its too late after the fact.

 

now i dont tell her b/c im sure she wouldnt want to find out from me, of all ppl, im not sure if shed want to know or not. im pretty sure she would but i doubt from me. also for selfish reasons i just want to stay away from him & all his drama & that would bring alot more drama.

 

I understand what you are saying and I do think it's sad that there is another woman out there who doesn't know the truth about the person who she is married to.

 

What I don't understand is how the MM could think that having an affair behind her back doesn't hurt her.

[mopar crazy]

The reason why I don't think the xOW told me about her A w/ my H was b/c I don't think she felt it was her place to tell me. They both lied to me when I asked them what was going on between them. Of course I get the "We are just friends" line. If she would have told me I think H would have gotten upset w/ her and told her it wasn't her place to say anything. We were already going through a D but they both continued to lie to me about their A. H's reason for lying was b/c he didn't want to hurt me. Ummm, too late, I was already hurt. Neither one of them were saving me from the hurt of their A, I already knew about it and I had proof. Even w/ the proof in hand they still lied to me. Lying became so easy for them why tell the truth?

[herenow]

The reason why I don't think the xOW told me about her A w/ my H was b/c I don't think she felt it was her place to tell me. They both lied to me when I asked them what was going on between them. Of course I get the "We are just friends" line. If she would have told me I think H would have gotten upset w/ her and told her it wasn't her place to say anything. We were already going through a D but they both continued to lie to me about their A. H's reason for lying was b/c he didn't want to hurt me. Ummm, too late, I was already hurt. Neither one of them were saving me from the hurt of their A, I already knew about it and I had proof. Even w/ the proof in hand they still lied to me. Lying became so easy for them why tell the truth?

 

 

Good point. You are absolutely right! People who find it easy to lie aren't going to tell the truth if it's going to create any kind of problem for the liar. It would be nice if those type of people could think of others once in a while instead of always protecting themselves. To each his own I guess.

[Lizzie60]

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

This is my main reason... I am single, financially secured and emotionally independant.. I do NOT need a man full time in my life.. and with a MM.. it's great sex and no commitment, he won't ask or expect anything more. It's the best of both worlds for both of us..

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

I am not concerned by this... I don't want them to split. I want them to be happy.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

That's my reason no. 2... I haven't promised anything to anyone.. PLUS I do not believe in that crap... it's unreasonable to think that 2 persons can be faithful and NEVER EVER have sex with someone else.. it's insane..

 

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

Not at all... I do believe what my MMs tell me.. because they have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me.. they know the rules... We talk about their M and the kids.. and the difficulties they have in their M... I advised them to the best of my abilities...

[mopar crazy]

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

This is my main reason... I am single, financially secured and emotionally independant.. I do NOT need a man full time in my life.. and with a MM.. it's great sex and no commitment, he won't ask or expect anything more. It's the best of both worlds for both of us..

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

I am not concerned by this... I don't want them to split. I want them to be happy.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

That's my reason no. 2... I haven't promised anything to anyone.. PLUS I do not believe in that crap... it's unreasonable to think that 2 persons can be faithful and NEVER EVER have sex with someone else.. it's insane..

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

Not at all... I do believe what my MMs tell me.. because they have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me.. they know the rules... We talk about their M and the kids.. and the difficulties they have in their M... I advised them to the best of my abilities...

 

Lizzie, I have to disagree w/ you on this one, sorry. Not everyone is a cheater. I would never, ever, sleep w/ someone else while M to my H, it's just not the way I am. I am not saying I wasn't that way b4 I met him, I cheated on guys that I dated but I take my M vows seriously and I love my H (even though he can be a boob sometimes) enough not to cheat on him and hurt him. I wish he would have felt the same. Some ppl cheat, others do not feel the need to cheat nor do they want to cheat. My parents are an example of that. They have been faithfully M for 51 years. I know my parents. Now, I am not saying my mom and dad don't appreciate looking at good looking men and women, they do. Heck, my mom and I check out guys together when we go shopping. We are M, not dead. One time as I was getting in the car she said "J, look at that good looking black man." He was a hottie!

[NewSunrise]

Good point. You are absolutely right! People who find it easy to lie aren't going to tell the truth if it's going to create any kind of problem for the liar. It would be nice if those type of people could think of others once in a while instead of always protecting themselves. To each his own I guess.

That's just it. They DON'T THINK about anyone else but themselves.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie, I have to disagree w/ you on this one, sorry. Not everyone is a cheater. I would never, ever, sleep w/ someone else while M to my H, it's just not the way I am. I am not saying I wasn't that way b4 I met him, I cheated on guys that I dated but I take my M vows seriously and I love my H (even though he can be a boob sometimes) enough not to cheat on him and hurt him. I wish he would have felt the same. Some ppl cheat, others do not feel the need to cheat nor do they want to cheat. My parents are an example of that. They have been faithfully M for 51 years. I know my parents. Now, I am not saying my mom and dad don't appreciate looking at good looking men and women, they do. Heck, my mom and I check out guys together when we go shopping. We are M, not dead. One time as I was getting in the car she said "J, look at that good looking black man." He was a hottie!

 

Well I can understand why you're disagreeing with me.. because I agree that women do not even think about cheating as much as men do..

 

I know tons of women who would never ever cheat on their H... even if they're not completely happy... and even if they're not even married (I'm talking about common-law)...

 

To say that your 'father' never ever cheat is a bit farfetched.. you do NOT know that.. you assume he never did.. but you'd be surprised.. I know a lot of men in their 70s and 80s who cheat but the W had no idea... even some children to this day swear that the couple was faithful to each other for over 50+ years...

 

One of my best friends has never cheated.. we often talk about this.. she knows I sleep around with married men.. she has no idea if her husband is cheating..but she doesn't want to know... she's happy with her life as it is right now.. she never ask him any questions...

 

Most if not ALL men cheat in my book.. but in general, women tend to be a lot more faithful to their partner.

 

I never cheated on my partners.. I don't think I would.. but I chose to remain single so I can have sex with as many partners as I want, when I want.. I set the rules.

[mopar crazy]

Good point. You are absolutely right! People who find it easy to lie aren't going to tell the truth if it's going to create any kind of problem for the liar. It would be nice if those type of people could think of others once in a while instead of always protecting themselves. To each his own I guess.

 

Exactly, they don't think how their behavior is going to effect anyone else. They are so caught up in the A they don't care about anyone but themselves.

[herenow]

That's just it. They DON'T THINK about anyone else but themselves. They will sell their souls to the devil if they can get away with lying.

 

My xWS "swore" on his mother's life who was strickened with cancer that he stopped seeing the OW. Naturally, he was lying the entire time. A month later, his mother died. Sometime after, I said to him, "How can you look at yourself in the mirror for swearing on your own mother's life just to cover your lies?" He was silent. Then I said, "You're lucky your mother isn't around to hear what you did (she was already heartbroken of the A) because if the cancer didn't kill her, what you did would've killed her."

 

There are some people who eventually regains the mental and emotional capacity to feel empathy for others at some point following some life changing events. Doubtful that my xWS is one of them.

 

Yeah, these same MM that are such great fathers that they stay married for the kids, will swear on their kids lives and lie to get what they want. I have read it here so many times.

[st951]

If I were involved with an MM and BS tracked me down and asked me point blank, I would tell. I figure if she has the resources to find me and wants to know that badly, she deserves the truth.

 

Otherwise, I would not volunteer the information. If her husband were lying to her and she had no clue, I would not want to hurt her. Some women really don't want to know, look the other way, care more about their lifestyle than their husbands, etc.

[Lizzie60]

If I were involved with an MM and BS tracked me down and asked me point blank, I would tell. I figure if she has the resources to find me and wants to know that badly, she deserves the truth.

 

Otherwise, I would not volunteer the information. If her husband were lying to her and she had no clue, I would not want to hurt her. Some women really don't want to know, look the other way, care more about their lifestyle than their husbands, etc.

 

I completely agree.. this is way more common than we think.

[mopar crazy]

Well I can understand why you're disagreeing with me.. because I agree that women do not even think about cheating as much as men do..

 

I know tons of women who would never ever cheat on their H... even if they're not completely happy... and even if they're not even married (I'm talking about common-law)...

 

To say that your 'father' never ever cheat is a bit farfetched.. you do NOT know that.. you assume he never did.. but you'd be surprised.. I know a lot of men in their 70s and 80s who cheat but the W had no idea... even some children to this day swear that the couple was faithful to each other for over 50+ years...

 

One of my best friends has never cheated.. we often talk about this.. she knows I sleep around with married men.. she has no idea if her husband is cheating..but she doesn't want to know... she's happy with her life as it is right now.. she never ask him any questions...

 

Most if not ALL men cheat in my book.. but in general, women tend to be a lot more faithful to their partner.

 

I never cheated on my partners.. I don't think I would.. but I chose to remain single so I can have sex with as many partners as I want, when I want.. I set the rules.

 

I know there are plenty of men in their 60's and 70's that have cheated, my father IS NOT one of them. I refuse to argue about this you Lizzie. I know how my father feels about A's, my dad is not a hypocrite. But you go ahead and think that every one is a cheater, especially men, if that helps ya sleep at night, k?

[herenow]

If I were involved with an MM and BS tracked me down and asked me point blank, I would tell. I figure if she has the resources to find me and wants to know that badly, she deserves the truth.

 

Otherwise, I would not volunteer the information. If her husband were lying to her and she had no clue, I would not want to hurt her. Some women really don't want to know, look the other way, care more about their lifestyle than their husbands, etc.

 

If that were the case then telling her wouldn't hurt. It would do nothing.

 

However, if she did want to know and she did want the chance to make her own decision about how she lives her life, then telling her could be the best thing for her in the long run.

 

Do you really believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you? I think a BW is being hurt even if she doesn't know. She isn't aware of something very important in her own life. How is that not hurting someone? If the truth hurts, then the truth must be told so that changes can be made.

[mopar crazy]

If I were involved with an MM and BS tracked me down and asked me point blank, I would tell. I figure if she has the resources to find me and wants to know that badly, she deserves the truth.

 

Otherwise, I would not volunteer the information. If her husband were lying to her and she had no clue, I would not want to hurt her. Some women really don't want to know, look the other way, care more about their lifestyle than their husbands, etc.

I agree to. I know some women like this. If they want to stay w/ an unfaithful H that is their choice. However, I couldn't live like that. If I knew my H had an OW on the side his ass would be out the door.

[luvmy2ns]

I know there are plenty of men in their 60's and 70's that have cheated, my father IS NOT one of them. I refuse to argue about this you Lizzie. I know how my father feels about A's, my dad is not a hypocrite. But you go ahead and think that every one is a cheater, especially men, if that helps ya sleep at night, k?

 

Don't take it to heart, MC. Some folks base their opinions about people on the types they hang with. Consider the source.

[herenow]

[/b]

I agree to. I know some women like this. If they want to stay w/ an unfaithful H that is their choice. However, I couldn't live like that. If I knew my H had an OW on the side his ass would be out the door.

 

But how would you know to make that choice if you never knew he had that OW on the side?

[Love4Eternity]

I wouldnt bring it to the bw's attention simply because its not my place to do so, I am not the one cheating on her and just as she owes me nothing i owe her nothing. unless a child comes into play between the cheating spouse and other person, its really up to the cheating spouse to disclose this to his/her spouse, if they choose to do so.

[neverendingsaga]

I wouldnt bring it to the bw's attention simply because its not my place to do so, I am not the one cheating on her and just as she owes me nothing i owe her nothing. unless a child comes into play between the cheating spouse and other person, its really up to the cheating spouse to disclose this to his/her spouse, if they choose to do so.

 

well i cant helping thinking that i owed her just common decency... not to sleep w/ her H as i wouldnt want someone to sleep w/ my H/ SO. of course i think of this now after the fact. at the time i was to busy thinking about myself & thinking that she & XMM were D'ing so it didnt really matter.

 

i dont know what was wrong w/ me.

[OldMan]

Although this thread seems to be female-dominated, I hope you don't mind a male providing his perspective.

 

Most if not ALL men cheat in my book.. but in general, women tend to be a lot more faithful to their partner.

 

You raise a lot of uncomfortable truths in your posts Lizzie60 -- more so than any woman I've ever met. Although you risk making the other women in this thread angry, I'd say you're spot on.

 

Women filter their understanding of relationships through emotional concerns such as love, commitment, affection etc. Actually you can understand a lot about what happens in relationships purely through biology. Both genders are hard-wired to behave in certain ways.

 

The male has the best chance of propagating his genes by breeding as widely as possible. Breeding is cheap for males: an ejaculation wasted on an unsuitable partner means almost nothing.

 

For the female the situation is the reverse. Breeding is very biologically expensive: it involves a nine month commitment during which she can't breed with potentially other, more suitable mates; she has to expend significant bodily resources to support the unborn child; and near the end of the pregnancy her ability to hunt and gather will be diminished. Not to mention the risk of complications during birth that (before the era of modern medicine) could cause death. So there are strong biological drives for a woman to find the best mate she can and to keep him in a committed relationship, so he can share the burden of pregnancy and child-raising.

 

When you look at it that way a lot of the behaviours that seem frustrating and bizarre in the other gender make perfect sense (that applies for men too, not just women!).

 

Please note that the above is not a moral or ethical stance. I believe commitment is important, and that many things men do are bad, unfair and dishonest. I'm just trying to *explain* what drives men to sleep around, not to *justify* it.

 

But in answer to the original poster's question -- to tell the wife or not? Well, do you really want to go there? Some Buddhists have this odd notion that if you interfere with the lives of others, your karma (and therefore your fate) becomes intertwined with theirs. I don't know if that's true or not, but it sort of makes sense. Once you meddle in the lives of others, the outcome becomes partly your fault.

 

I mean, *why* would you want to tell the wife? Because you're completely 100% blameless in the situation, and you're acting from purely altruistic motives? You have her best interests at heart? That you're somehow in a position to decide what's best for them? How so?

[luvmy2ns]

I mean, *why* would you want to tell the wife? Because you're completely 100% blameless in the situation, and you're acting from purely altruistic motives? You have her best interests at heart? That you're somehow in a position to decide what's best for them? How so?

 

No. What it is is the BS would be in a position to decide what's best for HIM/HER - providing someone clues them in on they type of "person" they are tied to.

[Lizzie60]

No. What it is is the BS would be in a position to decide what's best for HIM/HER - providing someone clues them in on they type of "person" they are tied to.

 

Then why would it be the OW's responsibility and not the H?

[Lizzie60]

Thanks Old Man for your post..

 

You were sooo right when you said that a woman's part in sex is so much heavier with consequences than the man's part. It's sooo true.

 

That's probably why we are more committed to our partner and our kids..

 

and to make other women angry I suppose I do.. but it's unvoluntarily as I post from my own experience... and what I've learned from life.

[luvmy2ns]

Then why would it be the OW's responsibility and not the H?

 

Actually, most of the time an OW would do it out of spite, which is NOT a good reason. The reason should be to allow a person to make an informed decision about their life and the kind of person they want to share that life with. Since we already know the H is a lying, sneaky cheater, he's never gonna tell. Hell, there's already a thread about some psychobabblist telling all about why it's good to lie about it. That kind of dribble is only going to give a lying cheater more rationalizations to continue the deceit.

 

However, there are some former OW on LS who have realized how selfish they were during the A. They have battled within themselves over telling the BS because they know THEY would want to know the truth if they were in the BS' shoes. Good for them for giving a flying ratt's ass about someone besides themselves!

 

It should be ANY person's responsibility to inform the spouse of a cheater that they are with a sneaky, lying POS. It's called human decency. The BS can do with the info what they choose.