NedFlanders Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 People I am in love with my best friend. She has been married for 17 years in a verbally abusive realtionship, and admits to me she is not in love with him. She seperated from him recently finally, but after talking to her Pastor who advised her to give it another try and that maybe she will learn to love him in time she is about ready to go back to him. I would give half my life to be with her, but she just cant open her eyes and understand there is something better than what he has ever given her out there. Even if it wasnt with me I would be heart broken, but I would also be happy if she would just be with someone who would treat her the way she deserves to be treated. It kills me to know that she will probably never understand that there is someone better for her out there and that she deserves so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 People I am in love with my best friend. She has been married for 17 years in a verbally abusive realtionship, and admits to me she is not in love with him. She seperated from him recently finally, but after talking to her Pastor who advised her to give it another try and that maybe she will learn to love him in time she is about ready to go back to him. I would give half my life to be with her, but she just cant open her eyes and understand there is something better than what he has ever given her out there. Even if it wasnt with me I would be heart broken, but I would also be happy if she would just be with someone who would treat her the way she deserves to be treated. It kills me to know that she will probably never understand that there is someone better for her out there and that she deserves so much more. Ned - she's broken. You can't fix her. Neither will her toxic pastor, but perhaps if she gets counselling she'll be able to grow strong enough to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ned, her preacher speaketh with fork tongue! Remember, he gets paid for both marriages and funerals! Link to post Share on other sites
MotoMan Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 You can't make her do ANYTHING. When you love someone, you love them unconditionally. As the OM, you'll have to decide if you want to wait it out, or move on. OWOMAN said it well, you can't fix her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ned - she's broken. You can't fix her. and it's not just women, Ned...... sadly I've come to the same conclusion about my exsMM - the problem wasn't me, it was that he's broken and I can't fix him, I'm not even sure he can fix himself at this point, and I know for sure his W doesn't want to as the status quo suits her just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Agreed. Its not a woman/man thing...its just a "people" thing. The biggest concern here is that if she's going back into that relationship without something being done to change the situation, its going to go right back into being abusive. Suggestion...you can't MAKE her do anything. And I understand that you want to be with her yourself, but that's not happening at the moment. Have you suggested to her that she engage in marriage counseling BEFORE she ends the seperation? She should use the counseling to identify and create boundaries that need to be in place BEFORE she returns...and that she has an "escape plan" if those boundaries are violated. Bottom line is that she needs to protect herself, and she needs to ensure that her H is making changes BEFORE she agrees to go back. Who knows...maybe in the course of that counseling, she'll 'come to her senses'. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Yours is the only type of affair I enthusiastically endorse. When an individual is so emotionally weakened that they are too paralyzed to act in their own best interests then it takes outside intervention to improve their self esteem to the point they can actually see a future without their abuser. The patronizing mollifications of well-meaning family and friends are seen by the abused to boil down to... "You made your bed now lay in it"! An affair partner is the only person that can reach and influence this individual's core sense of being to evoke positive change to their "will to survive" and motivation to even dream of a positive outlook on the future where family, friends, the police, therapists, and the courts typically fail. When the abused indiviual's strength of self is somewhat restored only then is it possible to help them to heal the wounds to their injured psyche with the help of a trained therapist. Their restoration process is often long and tedious with frequent set-backs because of previously conditioned ways of thinking but, if this women is worth it, I say go for it with everything you've got! Acting on your will, you have nothing to lose ... except your soul... and everything to gain ...her life and love. Your action or inaction, though, may result in the loss of her very being so weigh your plans and feelings carefully! Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please be very careful Ned. If he finds out about how you feel about her, or how she feels about you then verbal can turn to physical. I think that she needs to seek advice outside of the church, and outside of you. She may not be listening to you because she knows how much you want to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Some real good advice everyone. It is definitely needed and appreciated because never in my life have I ever been so depressed. As far as the counseling she has tried to get him to go many times, and he never would, and why should he. He has everything he wants....someone to abuse and control. The real problem is this is all she has ever known. She married at 16-17 so to her this is all there is. She doesnt realize there is more out there. It just hurts, it hurts more than anything I have ever been through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 pelicanpreacher, I just read what you said and you hit it right on the head. She has been conditioned to belive and think a certain way by doing what she has always been told. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Perhaps you could suggest she see a qualified professional rather than her pastor? Sounds like she knows what she should do, but the indoctrination beats most religiots common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Don't look for a romantic angle at this point because I highly doubt that she could cope with the guilt. What she needs is someone who'll listen to her and allow her to get all of the angst she holds inside out into the open. She also needs someone who'll believe in her and support her without making demands or putting pressure upon her to make any immediate decisions. She's been mired in her situation for 17 years so time, patience, positive encouragement, and the certainty of your loyalty will help her to take the first tentative steps on the long road to her emmancipation. You can allow her to lean on you in this process but avoid being her crutch else you'll just transition her from one dysfunctional state of being to another. If she's your best friend then be a friend now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 There is no way in the world I would try anything romantic with her at this point. I have been doing exactly as you said pelicanpreacher since the seperation, but I know shes going back to him. She has pretty much told me is and thats what so bad. Its like I have tried and tried but it is all going to be for nothing. She is religious so to her what her pastor says is the right thing to do, and in this case IMO he is dead wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 There is no way in the world I would try anything romantic with her at this point. I have been doing exactly as you said pelicanpreacher since the seperation, but I know shes going back to him. She has pretty much told me is and thats what so bad. Its like I have tried and tried but it is all going to be for nothing. She is religious so to her what her pastor says is the right thing to do, and in this case IMO he is dead wrong. Then I would highly suggest that you move on with your life and hold on to your memories. She has made her choice, albiet slanted by the psychological indoctrination of her religious and social evironment, so her decision must be respected. Further interference from you could only worsen her plight. Remember, a person can only change when they want to change and they're ready to change! Link to post Share on other sites
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