Terrible Person Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Hello all who were sympathic and those who weren't. Turns out hubby was developing a relationship with someone else for 6 months. I am surprised he took this route but I suppose he felt that is what he needed to do. I still love him and told him if we divorce it woudn't be tomorrow, we have so many things to figure out. So, I told him don't worry, he will always be my friend and someone I love. This is not bitter. Just complicated money wise mostly. We are in trouble and how we would divide who pays what, I do not know. That is why I wouldn't be leaving "tomorrow" we have so much decide. No, other guy (MM) is not in the triangle here. He is married and trying to make his marriage work too. And if it doesn't, I doubt he would be interested in starting a relationship with me. So, that is off the table definitely. I don't know if we should try to make this marriage work, there were so many people who used the word "Divoce hime", one poster said it about five times. I don't know if divorce is always the answer, but he was still carrying on with this person yesterday. He got a call on his work phone and immediately left the room. I said "who was it", and he said Corey (a friend from work) and I said "that didn't sound like Corey, he has a deeper voice, so what did he want?" Just wanted to know what I was doing...... So I txted Corey and said "You called Mark on his work phone?" and he said, "Nope. I didn't" That's when I realized something was going on. Husband finally admitted he was carrying on with this person for at least six months, but he swears it wasn't consumated....right. Anyway, I strayed once and it was bad and my name is Terrible Person. This whole time he's been romancing someone else. So who is the "worst" person here? I say no one. I am not bitter about anlything. I don't throw things or yell, I just said "well, we have alot to figure out". He kept saying "Please don't leave me" almost crying. For a former Marine that was pretty surprising. I do cry though, and I was crying. I know I did a bad thing those two nights with the roomate. But six month? Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 well now you know how broken it is on both sides. neither of you is innocent. if you want to fix it then get to marriage counseling i say. if you dont think its fixable, file for divorce no matter what the consequences. this is no way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 This is what I was trying to get at when I asked why you haven't had sex with him for two years. I was suspicious he had been getting it else where and your problems were much deeper then your affair alone. Sorry to hear that, but you should be glad you know now. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Can't say it's much of a surprise to me either, TP. (((((hugs))))) for the rough times ahead.... Link to post Share on other sites
MotoMan Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 As someone who dragged their feet deciding what to do, I can tell you that no matter which way you go, it may take longer than you anticipate. If I had it to do over again (there's lots of things I would change), but in this situation, I humbly recommend you find out where both of you are at emotionally, and what you both REALLY want. Do it soon. If you both want to rebuild your marriage, take the advice previously offered and get into counselling. If not, file and get it over with. You both have some big trust issues to deal with, but I've seen some people here that have stronger marriages than ever before. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I agree with NES. There is no "who is worse" in this situation. You now know how broken your marriage has become on both sides...clearly, NEITHER of you have been meeting each other's emotional needs for ages. You were distant from your H, he was was distant from you...you both went outside of the marriage rather than try to fix it. It is what it is... Now you can only try to decide if its worth repairing or not. And figure it out from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 This is all messed up. But what can they expect they was cheating in the past, and never resolved those inner issues that questioned why they cheated. IT was bound to happen again on some level sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrible Person Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Just a "quick" update. The situation has changed dramatically since my last post. If you can believe it, even more stressors were added to our lives since I posted last. Some great things came out of the entire situation, some bad things too. We have basically gone through hell and back in the last several weeks. New things came to light, seriousness of medical situations for both of us and all this demanded regrouping of our lives. I have opted NOT to tell. My husband has to work with this man. It is my belief that is much more tortureous (if that is what some responders would like to see happen to me) to live with that huge mistake than to tell. This job adds to my husband's failing self-esteem, as he is involved with critical systems for a large corporation. There would be terrible consequences if I unloaded and "came clean" that would ultimately be worse for my husband. I will not do this to ease MY OWN conscience. So for my own reasons (just like Denise Richards...."It's Complicated"!) and others that contribute to my decision that are not devulged here, I will not tell. The "roomie" is gone and has completely altered how he interacts with me. I miss his friendship (not sex!) but this is how it must be I suppose. I'm old enough to know that. Let sleeping dogs lie as they say. We are both dogs, I know, but this brief but illicit affair needs to be behind both of us. I know I have more serious issues to deal with. Not to degrade the seriousness of what happened, but in life some things are even more serious. My marriage has improved dramatically and is totally back on track. I realize how much I still love him, more every day. I found out he actually did desire me but thought I didn't desire him. We have been together sexually, but more importantly we have connected again sensually, emotionally and spiritually. Though more stressors have been added to our lives, our marriage at least is not one of them. He has his own share of guilt to deal with regarding his behavior too, so as far as I'm concerned, it all must be let go, and it has been. I hope everyone here at LoveShack that responded to my situation is happy for us and consequently, for me. I still pray that the stressors will resolve themselves, and I have to believe they will. It is a very scary time right now but we have each other. I may post again, but as far as this initial problem, it has been solved. Some may not agree with how I dealt with it, but the outcome has been good for everyone, so I will not question it now. I am no longer a Terrible Person! I am a human being. I deserve love and respect the same as anyone. If I acted out to find it, it was understandable I believe, but YES, it was wrong. Those who answered so cruelly have never heard the saying "love your brother/sister". I don't think that was conditional on judgements made by the individual. I am human. I am a sinner. I am still a very good person and extremely caring. If people don't want to believe that, that is up to them of course. Thanks to all, even those with the mean posts. I learned there are still many people out there that don't seem to mind throwing stones even if they are themselves in a house of glass! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I read somewhere on another forum about a study that showed that marriages that had been affected by the infidelities of both partners could be the strongest unions. I don't say this to suggest that we should all go out and cheat on our partners, but just that a stronger and well reconcilled marriage is certainly possible. I don't know if I was one that posted to you before and was *direct* (not mean). I hope things work out for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrible Person Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thank you for your insights and kind wish. I think we will be fine! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I'm curious, TP...would you have preferred your H not to tell you about his affair too? Would you rather have not known about it, just as he doesn't know about yours? Link to post Share on other sites
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