MCT Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Hi all, I would appreciate honest advices and opinions to what I'm about to say. For the longest time now I couldn't forget my first love. Reason is that it was really puppy love and I never slept with him. Years passed, we're in our thirties and both are married. He's the unhappily married one with 2 kids. Even though they are legally divorced, they are still staying together. He said his life is dull and boring. I was doing fine with mine but he has always been at the back of my head forever. I haven't stopped loving him. Anyhow, we've been in contact for half a year now by emails and text messaging. We have been flirting a lot by text messages. We did have dinner and we had a great time 2 weeks ago. Just last weekend, he went out drinking for his friend's birthday and he texted me at 3am to tell me " I love you". I texted back that I didn't believe him. He repeated it 3 times. The next morning, he texted me to say sorry about last night. I asked him if he meant it. He said he didn't want to answer me. He said what difference does it make if he did or not. I stupidly told him that I was hoping meant it and also that I would not be afraid to admit I felt the same way. He said he wouldn't believe me anyways as I haven't given him enough reassurance. After that I said what else does he need from me when he couldn't even answer me when he's sober if he meant "I love you". I haven't heard from him for a week. I'm feeling very sad and I miss him. My friends said he meant what he said but is such a wimp for admitting it as he doesn't see where it's going. I hate to admit that I want to see where it's going. I've loved him so long and I know it's wrong but I just can't help it. I hate knowing the fact that he's just stringing me along. So you guys, I'm not going to text him but my fingers are itching to know. I need closure as I've loved him for so long. Does a person mean it when they're drunk and why is he pulling away? My friends said he's afraid I press on if he meant it and maybe because I didn't say I love you back, he's trying to get back his dignity. So is this MM playing with my heart? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 He's divorced but still in a R(?) with his wife....you are married. You can't help how you feel; all you can control are your actions. What do you propose to do? I don't think he's "playing" with you, rather just made an error in judgement while under the influence of alcohol. Sometimes the filter gets bypassed. I've been guilty of that myself. Honorable intentions but emotions get the better of me. I personally think honesty is the best policy, starting with your H. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Yes, focus on what's wrong in your marriage and either fix it or divorce. It really is selfish and unfair of you to do this to your husband and family. (Do you have children as well?) How do you 100% know that he is officially divorced and it isn't 'legally' separated but they are still 'together'. Do you have actual proof of this? Either way, you're married and for your own sake, as well as your husband, don't cheat and betray him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 Carhill - Thank you for your reply. You said you don't think he's playing with me, what made you think so? I've never gotten drunk so I don't know when a person does, he means it? This guy is not the type to show his feelings. Usually women flock to him. I've always been different in his eyes. The good girl and the one man woman type. That's why he said he behaves when he's around me. I just don't understand why. If he didn't mean it, just say it. I've given him enough hints but not saying "I love you" back to him. I don't understand why he's being withdrawn right now. Is it because he woke up and couldn't believe he said it first (even if he didn't mean it?) I'm just very sad to know that was the last time we communicated. I just want closure and forget about him. I want to try. Just not sure he was playing me all along. I shouldn't call him right? I thought about it. I'm more open than ever and put my pride down. I've gotten a lot braver to tell him or hinted him how I felt. I am feeling crushed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 whichwayisup - You know, I've never thought I'm posting this and can't believe myself for feeling this too. I don't have kids. It's just I've loved this guy since the day I met him but never was brave enough to tell him so we dated on/off but it was so puppy love. After 22 years, I still love him. What the hell right? I feel as if I don't tell him now, I'll have a hard time bringing that to my grave. I just want to get it out of my system and get closure. I know if that's going to be lying to my H. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time, I need to get this out of me. I know it's so wrong. I just feel like I need validation that this guy, ex of mine will have a real relationship even for short while. It's complete for me to move on. Yes, others will probably not agree with me but it's just a way for me to have closure. All I want to know is is he pulling away because he fancies the thought of having me around but is scared to bring it to an end if he admits what the texted was true? Then, he wouldn't know what to do with me? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Just not sure he was playing me all along. I shouldn't call him right? I thought about it. I'm more open than ever and put my pride down. I've gotten a lot braver to tell him or hinted him how I felt. I am feeling crushed. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. For some men, it raises "courage", even though this is just a perception they have while under it's influence. I'm emotionally open so I don't know how it is for men who suppress their emotions. You might consider reading my journal entries as I have dealt (and am dealing) with something similar. I can empathize with your reservations and conflict. I will reiterate that your primary concern should be with your marriage. Nothing in life (like this man) is certain, so resolve your marriage based on it, you and your H, without regard to this man, much as you might love him. Just this one incident, IMO, speaks volumes of how he treats women and, frankly, I don't care for his style. If he's sincere, the first time he should tell you he loves you is to your face when he's sober. That's the gentlemanly thing to do. Just sayin' Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I think he's pulling away because he's confused. About you, about his W, about everything. You mentioned that you used to date him "on and off"? How did that go? Was he the one who always broke it off with you? He may have ALWAYS been confused about his feelings for you. I know you want so badly for him to be madly in love with you, because your own emotions are so strong for him... and have been for years. (Trust me, I know this state of being like the back of my hand.) The important thing to remember is that these are YOUR emotions... and there's no guarantee that he shares them or returns them. You must step back and try to look at this more objectively. I think you've made the right choice not to contact him. I'll wager there's a very good reason why it never worked out between you two... and why you ended up marrying other people. Can you remember the reasons why you married your H? Would you really be able to give him up? You have a lot to think about here... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I just feel like I need validation that this guy, ex of mine will have a real relationship even for short while. Maybe he doesn't want an affair with you, even for a short while. Maybe the fact that you are married and have not in any way indicated that you are getting a divorce or would ever get a divorce is preventing anything. Maybe he realizes you can't have a 'real relationship' while you are married, nor does he want to get involved with a married woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 CarHill . Just this one incident, IMO, speaks volumes of how he treats women and, frankly, I don't care for his style. If he's sincere, the first time he should tell you he loves you is to your face when he's sober. That's the gentlemanly thing to do. I agree and thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 Openbook - Thank you for your reply. I think he's pulling away because he's confused. About you, about his W, about everything. You mentioned that you used to date him "on and off"? How did that go? Was he the one who always broke it off with you? He may have ALWAYS been confused about his feelings for you. I know you want so badly for him to be madly in love with you, because your own emotions are so strong for him... and have been for years. (Trust me, I know this state of being like the back of my hand.) The important thing to remember is that these are YOUR emotions... and there's no guarantee that he shares them or returns them. You must step back and try to look at this more objectively. I think you've made the right choice not to contact him. I'll wager there's a very good reason why it never worked out between you two... and why you ended up marrying other people. Can you remember the reasons why you married your H? Would you really be able to give him up? You have a lot to think about here... I was too naive and young when we dated. It was the high school time. I was the good girl he didn't want to hurt. He always tells me that I'm too pure and he treats me differently from other girls. That I believe him. So you see, I've never had a real relationship with him and maybe that's why I'm curious. You're right too, we're still having sweet moments until this day is because we both agreed we don't know much about each other. I'm just crushed that everything's been going pretty well and then he stopped all communications for 6 days now. I just need to know that "no, I didn't mean it" or " Hi, how are things?" Just want to end it all. I married my husband because he's a wonderful man but my curiosity got the best out of me. I know I can't justify my doing wrong with MM but I have to stop another 22 years of pain. I really want to text him and just start fresh as if I've never heard him telling me " I love you". I don't want a serious relationship out of him. I hate to admit this and I'm so darn stupid to say this but I just want to have some part of him and feel real for this one time. So, don't contact him right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 norajane - Thank you !! I hear you. The fact I'm still wondering what the heck is going on in this guy's head is that his marriage is pretty much over. He said he stayed with her is because of the kids. Also, he did have an affair with someone else and that girl had a boyfriend too before I entered back into his life. I know, I know. My friends and I felt the same way too when he replied this " What difference does it make if I meant it or not". My friends are saying he just can't see where this is going. Then why is he flirting and giving me hints he doesn't mind us getting together. Fine, just for the sex but if so he could've just lied that 'yeah, I love you". He's not admitting it nor denying it. I don't think he's the afraid of consequenses type. I just don't know why he's not getting in touch. I feel like a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 whichwayisup - You know, I've never thought I'm posting this and can't believe myself for feeling this too. I don't have kids. It's just I've loved this guy since the day I met him but never was brave enough to tell him so we dated on/off but it was so puppy love. After 22 years, I still love him. What the hell right? I feel as if I don't tell him now, I'll have a hard time bringing that to my grave. I just want to get it out of my system and get closure. I know if that's going to be lying to my H. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time, I need to get this out of me. I know it's so wrong. I just feel like I need validation that this guy, ex of mine will have a real relationship even for short while. It's complete for me to move on. Yes, others will probably not agree with me but it's just a way for me to have closure. All I want to know is is he pulling away because he fancies the thought of having me around but is scared to bring it to an end if he admits what the texted was true? Then, he wouldn't know what to do with me? The thing is, if you tell him, what if he feels the same way? Are you willing to have an affair and hurt your husband, lose who you are in the process? Lose your life as you know it now? You may still love him but you don't "know" him anymore. Who you think he is, is all based on past feelings and fantasy build up..Hope that makes sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 whichwayisup - Thank you, thank you! You make sense and deep down under, I know it too. I just am really naive why he stopped all communications. Is he in his cave confused of what to say to me or he's totally turned off because I told him I hope he meant what he said. Are men like that? Just shut you out! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Because he is thinking of his kids and how he doesn't want to mess up his life, disrupt their lives and hurt his wife. He probably realizes too that you are married and he doesn't want to be the OM, doesn't want to be part of an affair which will hurt your husband. He is doing the right thing by backing off... Just leave as, it is what it is. He was a flame from the past, it's okay to remember once in a while, but you have a life with your husband now and this is what counts. Most men are not into sharing their deepest emotions, if they do share, it's on their time frame. If a guy isn't wanting to talk or isn't ready yet - No matter what you do to push it, they'll just clam up and head for the hills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 whichwayisup - I don't think he cares too much for his wife. He did have an affair with someone else before. I think she knew about it but just didn't want to do anything about it. I guess I'll just have to see if he contacts me again. That'll give me an answer. I just wish he comes out and tell me what his feelings are. No matter how bad it is, at least I have closure. I didn't have it before and now it's happening again. Thank you whichwayisup. Link to post Share on other sites
dirty diana Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Hi MCT. I think your OM is overwhelmed with his feelings right now. Give him time. He will talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 You're welcome. One thing to keep in mind, if what you're saying is infact true, he doesn't care much for his wife (yet he is still with her) he more than likely isn't going to leave her, uproot his children and change their lives. Even if he DID leave, are you saying you're willing to leave your husband for him? Or would you just keep him as the OM and still stay married. If he has feelings for you, and I bet he does, that still doesn't mean he is going to DO anything about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 How is your husband doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 dirty diana - I guess you are right. I woke up today and am determined to move forward. Read a few books on men and advices here gave me some insight into what's in his head or probably in his head. I just think he isn't man enough to come out and tell me what he meant and what shouldn't, couldn't or could've happened. If I love enough, I'd know of what to do. I hope I keep this determination long enough to forget him and not getting relapses and making anymore excuses for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 whichwayisup - I questioned myself that. However, I think it's been such a long time, 22 years is a long time to love someone. I think I need to stop this infatuation and concentrate on what's healthy for me. That song "Torn between Two Lovers", it's exactly how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MCT Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 jon01 - Husband is doing fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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