I'm in love with my OM...should I believe he will wait for me?

[ObsessedAsUsual]

Hello all,

 

This is my first thread, so I'm a bit nervous about opening up, but here goes...

 

I'm a married woman who has fallen for her OM, and I am having thoughts of separating from my H to be with him...I hate this feeling of dangling around, not fully living life. BUT only if I'm certain of the OM's seriousness toward me. I've been married for almost 7 years to someone who I care for, but have NEVER been passionately in love with. He has become increasingly critical of me and my quirks, but in many ways can be decent and patient. His big flaw, however, is that he takes a lot of risks with money. To this day, we have never been able to put a down payment on a home because he says he doesn't want to be a "slave" to a mortgage, nor does he want to stay at his boring "day job" forever. We are still living in his parents' house (although they spend half the year in a southern climate). When I bring up the matter, he says he is "working on it", but ultimately because he is the one making most of the money, I can't force him on it. We argue ALOT in front of our son, who is only 6.

 

So here's how my involvement with my OM began: I joined a social networking site about four months ago, and through an old junior high school "group" I encountered some photos of my old crush. I left a comment simply stating that I used to have a crush on this boy, and that was that. The next day I receive an email from my crush (who had posted the pic) asking how I've been, etc. Keep in mind he had never spoken to me before! Everything had been totally unrequited, worshipping from a distance, etc... ANYWAY, we began emailing back and forth about our lives...he was single but has a teenage daughter, I was married with a son, etc...he found out I was actually still in contact with a relative of his, and found that great, etc...he looked through my pictures and said how beautiful I am now, etc., and too bad I was married because we could have been together, etc. There has been talk of dreams and being connected, and things being fated, etc...

 

So, after a few weeks of correspondence, he let me know that he was falling in love with me, and that if things don't work out with my husband, he's there for me. Keep in mind, we haven't actually physically met since junior high - it's only been online communication and photos. It's been four months, and I'm thinking we could meet up and see if there is something truly there and then I can make my decisions...

 

The thing is...does anyone have experience with the OM being wildly infatuated, claiming to be in love, saying that he will wait for however long it takes for me, that there is no one else and never will be, etc....and then realized that he was wrong? I am really scared this is a precarious situation, and I've let myself fall for him and may leave my H only to be a victim of someone who is interested in me because I'm "unavailable"...I don't know. I feel his love is real, he is there for me anytime I write or call...I'm just not sure how far to trust his words.

 

Any thoughts? Please...much appreciated!

[luvmy2ns]

OMG! Still living with his parents?

 

Don't make your OM wait around too long or you might lose him.

[bentnotbroken]

Does your husband know? I think he is entitled to hear it from you.

[Owl]

OK...thanks for starting the thread!

 

First off...your infatuation with OM. You knew him in the past, and have recently reconnected with him via the internet. I want to point out somethings for you to consider. I absolutely understand, you knew him before...IN THE PAST.

 

But even given that...you realize that there is a large "fantasy" portion of your relationship with him right now, yes? I say this because the internet/long distance allows for a great deal of that to happen. Its WAY easier to PICTURE what he's like (and create that mental picture they way it seems most attactive to you) this way. And that picture is all based off of the bits and pieces of things you pick up from him via this type of communication...and its ALL based off what he wants you to know about him. He's going to (whether he means to or not) present himself in the best possible light. And...because of your infatuation...you're going to take everything he says/does in the best possible light. He's not going to have the same opportuniities to 'blow it' that someone in person can do.

 

He won't leave his stinky socks on the couch...drop a "bomb" in the bathroom that you walk into unwittingly...you won't get annoyed at the sound of his snoring....because you're not in a position to experience any of that with him yet.

 

All you experience is what he SHOWS you intentionally...and that's all filtered through your PERCEPTION of him that you've built in your mind.

 

Does this make sense to you at all?

 

 

Second thing...you point out that your H isn't "all bad". There are good things about him, and some not so good things. How well have you communicated to him how important it is to you that he stops risking money, etc...? Has he really heard from you that this is becoming a "deal breaker"? CLEARLY, UNMISTAKEBLY?

 

Have you considered going to marriage counseling with him to address any of these issues? See if they're truly fixable, or it makes more sense to end the marriage?

 

HAVE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH OM?

 

If you want to make changes in your marriage, this can be the catalyst. You can either use it to truly end the marriage, or as a 'wake up call' for your H to make the changes he needs to.

 

I won't go on about that right now...that's a later discussion.

 

Right now...you need to start giving some very, very serious thoughts on your next steps. Do you end the marriage? Do you end the affair? Do you just try to muddle through both hoping that you don't get busted?

 

What, IDEALLY...would be the "best possible outcome" for you if you could have it? Your H to wake up and realize what he needs to do and become the best possible H he could be? Your marriage to end and you run off to live with OM?

What is the best possible solution for your six year old son??

 

Start by thinking through what I've posted...and consider the answers to those questions.

[neverendingsaga]

i dont think you should base your decision to leave your M on this new guy. thats not fair to anyone involved. you list so many things you have wrong w/ your H but yet you will stay M'ed to him UNLESS you know for sure things will work out w/ this OM. there are no gurantees in life except yourself... decide what you want & go for it. im sorry but it just sounds like your cake-eating like my XMM did. staying w/ your H & not telling him about this new love you have, & telling your new love you want to be w/ him but ONLY on certain circumstances (ie he will always be around once you leave your H). you shouldnt use him as a security net to leave your M, im sorry but that sounds selfish to me. my XMM did this kind of thing to both his W & me, and i got tired of it & said adios untill you figure out what YOU want for sure, regardless of me in the picture, & act on it. your OM is going to do the same so just let him go if your not sure YOU want to take the risk of being w/ HIM no matter what.

[twice_shy]

The thing is...does anyone have experience with the OM being wildly infatuated, claiming to be in love, saying that he will wait for however long it takes for me, that there is no one else and never will be, etc....and then realized that he was wrong? I am really scared this is a precarious situation, and I've let myself fall for him and may leave my H only to be a victim of someone who is interested in me because I'm "unavailable"...I don't know. I feel his love is real, he is there for me anytime I write or call...I'm just not sure how far to trust his words.

 

Any thoughts? Please...much appreciated!

 

You don't know if you can trust his words? Well there is only one way to find out.

 

Divorce your husband. You already admitted you don't love him, so do him a favor and quit wasting years off his life and file.

 

Then see what happens with the OM. If the OM doesn't want to divorce his W, then you move on.

 

Either way, you need to divorce your H. He doesn't deserve what you are doing to him.

[neverendingsaga]

You don't know if you can trust his words? Well there is only one way to find out.

 

Divorce your husband. You already admitted you don't love him, so do him a favor and quit wasting years off his life and file.

 

Then see what happens with the OM. If the OM doesn't want to divorce his W, then you move on.

 

Either way, you need to divorce your H. He doesn't deserve what you are doing to him.

 

i agree w/ twice-shy except from what i got out of your post, the OM isnt M'ed, he's single. so yes you do (and should IMO) risk losing this single guy to a more available woman if you dont decide what you really want & start going for it SOON. i also agree that your H doesnt deserve this. it is selfish to leave him thinking your heart belongs only to him when in the meantime your planning to ride off into the sunset w/ OM. how would you feel if he did that to you? im not trying to bash you, ive def. done SO MANY things wrong myself, but i just dont get how you cant see how what your doing isnt right. instead you focus on whether YOU can believe whether your OM will sit around & wait for you to decide to do the right thing one way or the other. why is it all about you? maybe im taking out my frustrations about XMM on you & i dont mean to be mean but you sound so much like him, this is prolly what he would write it if he were being honest for once. so my advice from the OP perspective is to just STOP playing w/ both of there hearts & really sit down & think about which one you want to be w/ despite the risks involved w/ each one. it sounds like your hoping to get the best of one world & if you cant your just staying stuck in the middle, thats not a fun place to be. six years later you could be w/ OM & in this exact same boat b/c the grass wasnt really greener ya know. or maybe you just need to be alone for awhile b/c maybe your problem cant be solved by either your H or your OM... maybe something w/in you doesnt know how to figure out what you want & go for it & stick to the promises you make. believe me i have a lot of problems to so im not trying to throw stones, just help you realise this is a big problem you have here.

[whichwayisup]

I'm a married woman who has fallen for her OM, and I am having thoughts of separating from my H to be with him...I hate this feeling of dangling around, not fully living life. BUT only if I'm certain of the OM's seriousness toward me. I've been married for almost 7 years to someone who I care for, but have NEVER been passionately in love with.

 

Either fix your marriage by doing marriage counselling or end your marriage because you aren't inlove with your husband. Do not leave your marriage on the hopes that the OM will be with you. Leave your marriage REGUARDLESS of what the OM is going to do.

 

It is UNFAIR to your young child to NOT give your marriage your absolute best - If your marriage fails, let it be because you and your H cannot resolve the problems, not because of someone else.

 

You and your H OWE it to your son to do counselling and try to fix the marriage. Both of you need to make a HUGE effort to STOP fighting infront of your kid, put his feelings first! Imagine how he feels seeing his parents fighting so much?

[Tripper]

Keep in mind, we haven't actually physically met since junior high - it's only been online communication and photos.

 

Time for a reality check!!! You are infatuated with the idea!! And it's pretty easy to do when it's in cyberspace.

 

As a previous poster said, all you have is a and EA based on perception from some photos, online communication and your imagination. There is no reality here.

 

If you are unhappy with your M and your H, either fix it or end it, but don't go running off chasing cyberdreams.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I see RED FLAGS.

[ObsessedAsUsual]

Wow...these are very insightful and thorough responses! Thank you very much for bringing up some hard questions for me to ask myself...I'm glad I discovered LS!

 

I think my dissatisfaction with H's financial situation (he lost a lot of money trading stocks in the past, which I didn't mention in my OP) and his job instability is causing me to seek fulfillment with a man who, from what I can tell, is financially secure (has his own house) and has more foresight (is able to keep a job for more than a decade) in addition to having a similar goofy sense of humour and emotional openness. He just makes me smile...and of course there is the surreal experience of having your first massive crush actually RETURN your affections finally!!!

 

But yes, much of this could be a fantasy...of course, my instincts say something different, but I think I should try and refrain from becoming too emotionally attached. It's hard, but I will do my best.

 

Must try and talk calmly with H (again) about the possibility of moving out into our own home, and some steps that might be reasonable for him to consider. I don't know if I would issue a "deal-breaker" statement to him, but certainly I have to be clearer that it is important to me. At first I downplayed it in my own mind because I thought, is that shallow of me to worry about money and a house? But yes, it is important and not shallow because it's making me lose respect and affection for him.

 

Thanks so much everyone!

[thisishowitis]

I think you should meet him and get to know him in person before you jump to conclusions.

 

But either way, I think you should divorce your current husband, or else you're just stringing your husband along, and nobody likes that.

[neverendingsaga]

Wow...these are very insightful and thorough responses! Thank you very much for bringing up some hard questions for me to ask myself...I'm glad I discovered LS!

 

I think my dissatisfaction with H's financial situation (he lost a lot of money trading stocks in the past, which I didn't mention in my OP) and his job instability is causing me to seek fulfillment with a man who, from what I can tell, is financially secure (has his own house) and has more foresight (is able to keep a job for more than a decade) in addition to having a similar goofy sense of humour and emotional openness. He just makes me smile...and of course there is the surreal experience of having your first massive crush actually RETURN your affections finally!!!

 

But yes, much of this could be a fantasy...of course, my instincts say something different, but I think I should try and refrain from becoming too emotionally attached. It's hard, but I will do my best.

 

Must try and talk calmly with H (again) about the possibility of moving out into our own home, and some steps that might be reasonable for him to consider. I don't know if I would issue a "deal-breaker" statement to him, but certainly I have to be clearer that it is important to me. At first I downplayed it in my own mind because I thought, is that shallow of me to worry about money and a house? But yes, it is important and not shallow because it's making me lose respect and affection for him.

 

Thanks so much everyone!

 

maybe you could just sit your H down & give him the truth. tell him what you just told us here, PLUS tell him about your new crush. that might give him motivation to listen & do something about your complaints. he cant work with the full truth if he doesnt have the full truth ya know.

[Meaplus3]

OK...thanks for starting the thread!

 

First off...your infatuation with OM. You knew him in the past, and have recently reconnected with him via the internet. I want to point out somethings for you to consider. I absolutely understand, you knew him before...IN THE PAST.

 

But even given that...you realize that there is a large "fantasy" portion of your relationship with him right now, yes? I say this because the internet/long distance allows for a great deal of that to happen. Its WAY easier to PICTURE what he's like (and create that mental picture they way it seems most attactive to you) this way. And that picture is all based off of the bits and pieces of things you pick up from him via this type of communication...and its ALL based off what he wants you to know about him. He's going to (whether he means to or not) present himself in the best possible light. And...because of your infatuation...you're going to take everything he says/does in the best possible light. He's not going to have the same opportuniities to 'blow it' that someone in person can do.

 

He won't leave his stinky socks on the couch...drop a "bomb" in the bathroom that you walk into unwittingly...you won't get annoyed at the sound of his snoring....because you're not in a position to experience any of that with him yet.

 

All you experience is what he SHOWS you intentionally...and that's all filtered through your PERCEPTION of him that you've built in your mind.

 

Does this make sense to you at all?

 

 

Second thing...you point out that your H isn't "all bad". There are good things about him, and some not so good things. How well have you communicated to him how important it is to you that he stops risking money, etc...? Has he really heard from you that this is becoming a "deal breaker"? CLEARLY, UNMISTAKEBLY?

 

Have you considered going to marriage counseling with him to address any of these issues? See if they're truly fixable, or it makes more sense to end the marriage?

 

HAVE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH OM?

 

If you want to make changes in your marriage, this can be the catalyst. You can either use it to truly end the marriage, or as a 'wake up call' for your H to make the changes he needs to.

 

I won't go on about that right now...that's a later discussion.

 

Right now...you need to start giving some very, very serious thoughts on your next steps. Do you end the marriage? Do you end the affair? Do you just try to muddle through both hoping that you don't get busted?

 

What, IDEALLY...would be the "best possible outcome" for you if you could have it? Your H to wake up and realize what he needs to do and become the best possible H he could be? Your marriage to end and you run off to live with OM?

What is the best possible solution for your six year old son??

 

Start by thinking through what I've posted...and consider the answers to those questions.

 

I would not be worried about if this OM will wait for you, I'd be worried about fixing your marriage. This OM is a crutch to you right now because your not happy. You need to focus on whats going on between you and your H with the OM out of the picture. This OM is a Fantasy. Can you see that?

 

AP:)

[InvisibleGirl]

you're selfish to think he should wait. you're the one that is married. You're not waiting are you?

[InvisibleGirl]

If you get involved with this other man and let him wait are you going to give him some kind of guarantee you are going to leave? I doubt it

 

As someone on the receiving end of a married persons cake eating and helping them create a package that makes their unhappy marriage more tolerable who's to say that once you have this other man and a husband you wont have all your needs met in two places and never make a decision about leaving when the single person has invested and wasted time because of that promise.

 

You have no business even going as far as meeting this person as long as you are married.

[ObsessedAsUsual]

Perhaps you're right...and I know it does seem like I am cake-eating, but honestly it was HIS fervent decision to say he would wait for me; I never demanded or asked that of him. If that is what he wants to do (for whatever time that lasts), he can. I never gave him a guarantee that I would be with him. I have let on that I have feelings for him, but that I'm in a very hard situation and I can't make promises. I have even (reluctantly) encouraged him to date other girls, and one in particular who I KNOW is interested in him, but he insists he's not interested in anyone else.

 

I have been fighting the urge to be jealous of IRL women he may encounter, because the last time I had a fit about him speaking to a girl (single), he made such a convincing plea that it was nothing and he swore that I was the one for him, that I would be a stepmom to his daughter, and all the rest of it...it was a bit of loss of dignity for him to beg me not to doubt his sincerity. It made me feel good to hear how much he cares and loves me (according to him), I admit. Basically his philosophy toward me is not one of suffering, but one of "I'm not going anywhere."

 

I tried talking to H tonight, and of course he felt pressured and "confronted" and...what was the word he used?..."ambushed"...when I brought up making plans for buying our own place and moving out. Then he started bringing up the fact that I like freshly squeezed orange juice (apparently it is outrageously expensive...!!), and that was the reason he couldn't save enough money, and then the conversation spiralled into ridiculousness.

 

So of course my urge was to write to my OM about how miserable I am, but I don't want to seem so pathetic in his eyes. I know he would be sympathetic and kind, but I feel too happy when communicating with OM to ruin it with my complaints about H.

 

I don't know which way I'm going.

[Mino]

Perhaps you're right...and I know it does seem like I am cake-eating, but honestly it was HIS fervent decision to say he would wait for me; I never demanded or asked that of him. If that is what he wants to do (for whatever time that lasts), he can. I never gave him a guarantee that I would be with him. I have let on that I have feelings for him, but that I'm in a very hard situation and I can't make promises. I have even (reluctantly) encouraged him to date other girls, and one in particular who I KNOW is interested in him, but he insists he's not interested in anyone else.

 

I have been fighting the urge to be jealous of IRL women he may encounter, because the last time I had a fit about him speaking to a girl (single), he made such a convincing plea that it was nothing and he swore that I was the one for him, that I would be a stepmom to his daughter, and all the rest of it...it was a bit of loss of dignity for him to beg me not to doubt his sincerity. It made me feel good to hear how much he cares and loves me (according to him), I admit. Basically his philosophy toward me is not one of suffering, but one of "I'm not going anywhere."

 

I tried talking to H tonight, and of course he felt pressured and "confronted" and...what was the word he used?..."ambushed"...when I brought up making plans for buying our own place and moving out. Then he started bringing up the fact that I like freshly squeezed orange juice (apparently it is outrageously expensive...!!), and that was the reason he couldn't save enough money, and then the conversation spiralled into ridiculousness.

 

So of course my urge was to write to my OM about how miserable I am, but I don't want to seem so pathetic in his eyes. I know he would be sympathetic and kind, but I feel too happy when communicating with OM to ruin it with my complaints about H.

 

I don't know which way I'm going.

Do you care for this sinle guy? Let him go.... You have nothing to give him right now, but a few nice moments and a lot of heartachs. You are selfish by keeping him hoping. He does not derserve this from you, break it off, get your husband and yourself into MC, decide what your going to there first. CLOSE THE CHAPTER FIRST< before you open another. Think about your single guys feelings too, not just yours. If it were meant to be, youll find each other later again, after you cleaned up your mess.

[neverendingsaga]

If you get involved with this other man and let him wait are you going to give him some kind of guarantee you are going to leave? I doubt it

 

As someone on the receiving end of a married persons cake eating and helping them create a package that makes their unhappy marriage more tolerable who's to say that once you have this other man and a husband you wont have all your needs met in two places and never make a decision about leaving when the single person has invested and wasted time because of that promise.

 

You have no business even going as far as meeting this person as long as you are married.

 

thats exactly what i was saying. invisiblegirl i think you & i are in very similar situations. it stings to read the cake-eater's perspective after realising you were the side cake & the cake-eater was prolly thinking all this stuff about you & their M. it really really sucks.

 

as for you obsessed- your last post just showed how you are running to OM as an escape from your M. its good that you didnt contact him & at least your realising when you WANT to- when something bad happens in your M & you want to hear the 'ooo ahhh i love you, im crazy about you, im not dating anyone else but you even though your M'ed & im single, etc.' instead of dealing w/ the nitty gritty everyday details of being M'ed & on top of that trying to work out issues that are causing your M to go south. well talking to OM isnt going to help any of that, im glad your seeing that, its just letting you escape which IS cake-eating b/c its letting you keep staying M'ed to your H w/out doing the hard work to fix your issues, & keep being involved w/ OM b/c he makes you feel better about yourself & your issues w/ your H. it is getting your needs (stability vs. excitement) met from TWO different people, when one of them EXPECTS you to be committed to him & the other one HOPES you'll leave that one your committed to for him. that to me is the very definition of cakeeating.

 

youve been trying to live in fantasy world but if you continue youll still end up in reality hurting OM and your H and YOURSELF. leave this man be. it IS your fault that he is waiting for you b/c he has feelings for you that you dont say 'you know what, dont have feelings for me b/c im married & i dont know what i really want.' if you really care about this OM you'll let him go. otherwise IMO you are only thinking/ caring about yourself & not showing real love to your H or your OM. that will get you nowhere quick, PLEASE take it from someone who knows. i think its good your here exploring these issues & trying to do the right thing. the right thing IMO is to stop one or the other relationship or perhaps both. dont use two ppl while you figure out your own mess.

[neverendingsaga]

Do you care for this sinle guy? Let him go.... You have nothing to give him right now, but a few nice moments and a lot of heartachs. You are selfish by keeping him hoping. He does not derserve this from you, break it off, get your husband and yourself into MC, decide what your going to there first. CLOSE THE CHAPTER FIRST< before you open another. Think about your single guys feelings too, not just yours. If it were meant to be, youll find each other later again, after you cleaned up your mess.

 

this is really good advice too!!! see obsessed all the ppl who have been or are were either your OM is (those of us OP) or were your H is (like owl) are saying, noooo, dont do this, its not fair, its selfish. if you really love one of them or somehow both in diff. ways or whatever then please stop this. i just hope you'll listen to us before youve caused a world of pain & believe me you will hurt too. as much as i hate what my XMM has done i see that he is hurting & he wishes he had done things diff. way back when. well dont get to that point, make a choice & a change now.

[Meaplus3]

Perhaps you're right...and I know it does seem like I am cake-eating, but honestly it was HIS fervent decision to say he would wait for me; I never demanded or asked that of him. If that is what he wants to do (for whatever time that lasts), he can. I never gave him a guarantee that I would be with him. I have let on that I have feelings for him, but that I'm in a very hard situation and I can't make promises. I have even (reluctantly) encouraged him to date other girls, and one in particular who I KNOW is interested in him, but he insists he's not interested in anyone else.

 

I have been fighting the urge to be jealous of IRL women he may encounter, because the last time I had a fit about him speaking to a girl (single), he made such a convincing plea that it was nothing and he swore that I was the one for him, that I would be a stepmom to his daughter, and all the rest of it...it was a bit of loss of dignity for him to beg me not to doubt his sincerity. It made me feel good to hear how much he cares and loves me (according to him), I admit. Basically his philosophy toward me is not one of suffering, but one of "I'm not going anywhere."

 

I tried talking to H tonight, and of course he felt pressured and "confronted" and...what was the word he used?..."ambushed"...when I brought up making plans for buying our own place and moving out. Then he started bringing up the fact that I like freshly squeezed orange juice (apparently it is outrageously expensive...!!), and that was the reason he couldn't save enough money, and then the conversation spiralled into ridiculousness.

 

So of course my urge was to write to my OM about how miserable I am, but I don't want to seem so pathetic in his eyes. I know he would be sympathetic and kind, but I feel too happy when communicating with OM to ruin it with my complaints about H.

 

I don't know which way I'm going.

 

You really need to forget about this OM Your a married woman and you need to rectify your marriage first. Your not even thinking of your H here. How would you feel if your H had an OW?? Would that sit well with you?

 

AP:)

[ObsessedAsUsual]

I've been thinking about some of the questions posed by Owl:

 

1. Has H really heard from you that this [not taking serious steps toward having our own home] is becoming a "deal breaker"? CLEARLY, UNMISTAKEBLY?

 

My H is a very proud, intelligent, and non-confrontational person. I have tried to bring up this issue of being responsible and saving for a house, and he very stubbornly, annoyingly always responds with, "I'm working on it." When I ask more detailed questions, he says there is nothing to do but wait a few years [keep in mind we've been married 7 years] until he does his research and can build up more savings. But I KNOW he's using his money for some crazy investments and trading, so this could all be hot air. I'm a stay-at-home mother currently, so since I am not bringing in any money myself, I have no control over this, unfortunately. But it kills my respect for him, no doubt.

 

 

2. Have you considered going to marriage counseling with him to address any of these issues? See if they're truly fixable, or it makes more sense to end the marriage?

 

There is no way in hell my H would consider telling an outsider ANY of our problems. He won't even confide in his closest friend! Friends are for bragging to when things are going well, in his view!

 

 

3. HAVE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH OM?

 

H is aware that I have been in contact with my first crush, and that I get a little giddy when I mention him. He suspects that my crush has been "pursuing" something more than friendship with me, but he believes that I'm not going for that. In anger at times he has said if I want a house so badly, why don't I go off and live with OM....

 

 

4. Do you end the marriage? Do you end the affair? Do you just try to muddle through both hoping that you don't get busted?

 

Honestly, I have powerful feelings of love, respect, and tenderness toward my OM. I have been touched by what a great father he is, how reliable and steady his character is (from what I can tell, from the facts of his life) and how he has remained calm and certain that we will be together someday...no pressure, just the knowledge of his intentions. I truly have developed loving feelings based on everything I learn about him.

 

I wouldn't want to "abandon" my H, but at the rate the M is going, it looks like I may have to take a chance and consider separation. Again, if it were a clear-cut case of abuse or alcoholism or something of that nature, it might be easier to know I have to get out, but there are times he is thoughtful and there are times he makes my blood boil and my heart despair that I'll EVER feel happy.

 

5. What, IDEALLY...would be the "best possible outcome" for you if you could have it? Your H to wake up and realize what he needs to do and become the best possible H he could be? Your marriage to end and you run off to live with OM?

What is the best possible solution for your six year old son??

 

The fighting is NOT doing any favours for our son. Nor is H's criticism and scathing commentaries directed toward me at times. I think the best possible outcome would be me toughening up to start over as a single person and seeing what happens then. It just seems so overwhelming to think about that because I have been staying at home for several years and am not a very independent career-type person. I think the unknown - whether it will work out with my OM - is scaring me, but I understand it's a risk. I'm stuck, for sure.

 

I'm not a cold blooded person, and I don't want to see either man hurt...I think the H's pride will be hurt more than his heart, but maybe I'm underestimating his love for me (if there's much left, I'm not entirely sure.)

 

I do find myself thinking of my OM constantly, and wanting to be in touch with him everyday, and simply caring what he is up to. I don't know if I could let him go at this point...there is too much potential there, I can feel it.

[twice_shy]

Perhaps you're right...and I know it does seem like I am cake-eating

 

 

It doesn't seem that way, you are.

 

 

but honestly it was HIS fervent decision to say he would wait for me;

 

GREAT!! Then spare your H, file for divorce so he can be free from you, and go hook up with this other man. Problem solved and a husband saved.

 

 

I never demanded or asked that of him. If that is what he wants to do (for whatever time that lasts), he can. I never gave him a guarantee that I would be with him. I have let on that I have feelings for him, but that I'm in a very hard situation and I can't make promises.

 

 

And what would that be? Leaving a comfortable lifestyle? Wanting to maintain the status quo in favor of not having to deal with lawyers and courts and all that? Doing what is right for the kids?

 

Believe me...none of that means squat. If those are what you are considering a "hard situation", then I'm not moved.

 

I faced all those, but in the end, there was no way I was going to stay married to her. Money meant nothing to me.

 

So I don't know what the hard situation is, but the harder situation is being married to someone that doesn't love you and is cheating on you....that would be your husband's situation and you need to free him from it.

 

 

I tried talking to H tonight, and of course he felt pressured and "confronted" and...what was the word he used?..."ambushed"...when I brought up making plans for buying our own place and moving out. Then he started bringing up the fact that I like freshly squeezed orange juice (apparently it is outrageously expensive...!!), and that was the reason he couldn't save enough money, and then the conversation spiralled into ridiculousness.

 

Ok, so you paint him to be some sort of money grubbing as$$hole. So your EA is his fault in your mind apparantly. So divorce him already and use mental cruelty as your grounds. Whatever gets the ball rolling.

 

 

So of course my urge was to write to my OM about how miserable I am, but I don't want to seem so pathetic in his eyes. I know he would be sympathetic and kind, but I feel too happy when communicating with OM to ruin it with my complaints about H.

 

So when are you going to file for divorce??

[twice_shy]

I wouldn't want to "abandon" my H

 

You wouldn't be. You'd be setting him free, whether he knows it or not.

 

 

but at the rate the M is going, it looks like I may have to take a chance and consider separation. Again, if it were a clear-cut case of abuse or alcoholism or something of that nature, it might be easier to know I have to get out

 

No, you have to get out because you don't love him and your heart belongs to another man.

[Owl]

OK, here's my advice in a nut shell.

 

You're not going to like it, but I can tell you its based on a long time posting on these forums, and a lot of personal experience as well.

 

1. Take steps to protect your son and yourself from your H's anger. Its going to get worse. If you have any concern about abuse of any type, get into a shelter NOW. If its bad now...wait til he knows the full truth of your affair.

 

2. Tell your H the truth about your affair with OM. I know you don't want to, but there are a LOT of reasons why this needs to happen. First off, its going to happen anyway. Its far better for you to 'come clean' than to be 'busted'. It sets a stage for trust to be rebuilt sooner, it allows you to manage the way this comes out rather than have it explode on you. Your H DESERVES the truth of what's going on...IN HIS MARRIAGE. He deserves the chance to decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you, as well.

 

3. Decide whether or not there is a chance that your marriage can be saved...AFTER you tell your H. I say this, because the odds are very high that your H will surprise you with his willinginess to make changes once he realizes that he's likely to lose you if he doesn't. I've seen this over and over...affairs are often WAKE UP CALLS for marriages in crisis. If you feel your marriage has a chance, then make a plan to give it that chance. If you feel it doesn't...then tell your H that up front and point blank.

 

4. If you decide to give your marriage a chance...that means you're going to have to end your affair. You're going to have to go NC with OM. Absolute, total NO CONTACT with him for the time you work on the marriage. It will be HORRIBLE at first, but it can and does get easier as the withdrawl clears and you come out of the fog. As part of that...INSIST to your H that you MUST attend marriage counseling. Make it a boundary. And...make darn sure that your counselor knows how to help heal marriages from infidelity...because that's going to be the first major issue that has to be discussed, ALONG with the long term changes both of you will need to make to make your marriage healthy and stable.

 

4. If you decide that the marriage has no chance...then don't fiddle-faddle and dally around with that. File for divorce, come up with a support plan to take care of yourself and your child...and make it happen. Its not fair to expect your H to BE your husband if the marriage is ending. Step up...and make it happen.

 

At the end of it all, its time to step up and actually DO something about where you're at right now.

 

Time to make things happen...one way or another.

 

So what are you going to do from here?

[Peppermint Paddy]

Don't do it!!!! You don't sound 100% in love with this OM! It could be the biggest mistake of your life. Look, marriage is up and down, cycles etc. It is easy to get into a negative cycle, but look at the big picture...the friendship and 'love' that you have with your husband. Maybe not the passionate 'love' you are craving right now. Yes, try counselling...try everything before you take off with OM. It is much easier for him to fall for you and want you now...he is single.

 

Look end it asap and don't contact each other. Say goodbye to OM and mean it. I have been on your roller coaster with an OM for 8 years...married to my lovely H for 25, 4 kids and in love with OM who is also married for 25 years with 3 kids. It's a terrible thing to live this way, and I recommend that you end it sooner than later as the pain will be prolonged. Try for your childs sake and you never know....you may find that you do have love for your husband. Since you haven't been married too long, you still could work on a lot more communication...tell each other what you both need in your marriage.

 

Good luck and ride through the pain....others survive and you can too.