nancy08 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 im 22 still in college. im irresistibly falling in love with a married man, who is my former professor. he asked me out after i finished his class. i've been struggling because i knew he has a family, but i just wasn't able to say no to him... now i found myself getting deeper and deeper in, even to the point where i can't get myself out of the situation although im totally aware it's terrible... it's my first love, i've never felt like this before, i can't let go of all his sweetness and every moment we spent together.. which is so special to me... but it pains me a lot to think of his wife and kids and the fact that we don't have a future... im a woman too, i sometimes put myself in his wife's shoes and i can feel how hurt it is. i know the right thing for me to do is to leave him as soon as possible but yet i don't know how... i know im only a little part of his life while he is the whole world to me...every minute is like an hour when he is not with me... could anyone give me some direction to go on... i don't have much experience before and so helpless... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 im 22 still in college. im irresistibly falling in love with a married man, who is my former professor. he asked me out after i finished his class. i've been struggling because i knew he has a family, but i just wasn't able to say no to him... now i found myself getting deeper and deeper in, even to the point where i can't get myself out of the situation although im totally aware it's terrible... it's my first love, i've never felt like this before, i can't let go of all his sweetness and every moment we spent together.. which is so special to me... but it pains me a lot to think of his wife and kids and the fact that we don't have a future... im a woman too, i sometimes put myself in his wife's shoes and i can feel how hurt it is. i know the right thing for me to do is to leave him as soon as possible but yet i don't know how... i know im only a little part of his life while he is the whole world to me...every minute is like an hour when he is not with me... could anyone give me some direction to go on... i don't have much experience before and so helpless... Nancy this guy is being completely unethical! I don't know what country, or college, you're in, but most have pretty strict rules about "inappropriate" relationships between staff and students. Even if he was single, he stands to get into a great deal of trouble. He was teaching you and he knows that as a result of that relationship the power dynamic between you was unequal. He chose to exploit that by hitting on you and now you're feeling trapped, somewhere you're not comfortable being. That is not caring on his part, that is predatory. You're still a student - still at the same college? This could get nasty for you too. These things get out VERY quickly and you run the risk of a reputation of a girl who puts out for grades - damaging your academic reputation, your social reputation and putting you open to getting hit on by a whole bunch more of these predators. But worst of all - you've just become a cliche. Not great when you're starting out life, wanting to be the best you you can be. If you want to get out of it, speak to someone at the college. There will be a counselling service, or you may have mentors, a sexual harassment panel or a students' representative council you could approach. Else, go and speak to his head of department or dean, and tell them of the situation you find yourself in. They will be obliged to act, as he risks "bringing the college into disrepute" - a dismissible offence. Link to post Share on other sites
surgngnl Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 listen to owoman. she is right. he is pushing boundries that he shouldn't be. don't get caught in that web. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 What a lousy professor. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 What a lousy professor. Some do regard hitting on the pretty "co-eds" as being a perk of the job. There may well be others he's used similarly in the past, and once Nancy graduates and moves away, chances are he'll find another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nancy08 Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 thanks for your advices, sorry i didn't make it clear.. he didn't ask me out until i finished his class (and graduated from that school at the same time). he didn't do much while i was in his class except some sweet emails and eye contact, but nothing happened back then. he never made me feel like im trapped or anything like that. he is sweet and caring, the only problem i have is with his family.. i can't let myself be his mistress and yet can't keep myself away from him... Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Move away as soon as feasible! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 thanks for your advices, sorry i didn't make it clear.. he didn't ask me out until i finished his class (and graduated from that school at the same time). he didn't do much while i was in his class except some sweet emails and eye contact, but nothing happened back then. he never made me feel like im trapped or anything like that. he is sweet and caring, the only problem i have is with his family.. i can't let myself be his mistress and yet can't keep myself away from him... Nancy... that actually doesn't change much of what I said. So you're at a different college now. He's still exploiting the power dynamic created by when you WERE his student. That is not OK. No college would condone that. If you have a problem with his family - have you mentioned this to him? That while you think he's sweet and caring, the fact that you know he has a wife and family waiting for him really bugs you? How did he respond? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Oh - meant to add: he didn't do much while i was in his class except some sweet emails and eye contact, but nothing happened back then. That's called "grooming". Same technique paedophiles use on children. It's not OK for people in positions of power to take advantage of those under their power - and your having recently graduated his class doesn't negate that power. Years down the line, when you're completely out of the college system, maybe. He knows that. He'll have had sight of the college code of conduct on "inappropriate relationships between staff and students". He'll probably have signed agreement with all the policies when he took up his appointment. He has committed a disciplinary offence and can be disciplined for misconduct. He knows what he's doing is wrong. "Sweet and caring" he may be, but callous and calculating he is also. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 If you don't stop this, you're going to let this guy ruin your young life. HE knows better and is taking FULL advantage of your inexperience. You know he's married, has a family -Imagine if this was your father doing this, how would you feel? How would your mom feel? Wouldn't you just be PISSED at him, let alone be disguisted at his behaviour? A family man, a professor who is supposed to be professional, helping himself to someone younger. That's just wrong.. Get help, counselling and talk to your parents, your friends, get support so you can get away from this guy. If you don't, you're in for an awful ride on the rollercoaster, alot of pain and heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 So have you asked him where this is leading to? Have you asked him where his marriage fits in here? What does he expect from you, from the relationship, from his wife? You don't want to be his mistress....GREAT! Then DON'T be!!! It really is YOUR CHOICE. As far as a direction...its simple. He's going to want to have his "relationship" with you, AND stay married...for as long as he possibly can. This will last until you get tired of it, and put an end to it. Or until his wife finds out, and forces him to end it. The BEST solution here would be to end it in a way that YOU can control. So that you can walk away knowing that YOU made the right choice, and that it wasn't forced on you unwillingly. This isn't hard to see...where do YOU see this relationship going from here? Two years...five years from now? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 It is unfortunate that this is how your first love is. I guess if nothing else, when it ends in heartbreak you'll have learned a few lessons that you can take into the future with you as you are mending your heart and your mind, and be better able to find a man who can and will treat you better and have more to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Why are you attracted to someone who is unavailable and can never give you a full, complete relationship that leads to anything? Why are you so drawn to a relationship that requires sneaking around and lying? Don't you feel you deserve more and better? Don't you want to be with someone who can love you openly? Don't you think you are good enough for that? Don't you want to be with someone who respects you too much to ever make you his little side dish? You have control over your life and what you want in it. Why do you want something like this in your life? Why have you chosen this and allowed it into your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Infinity888 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 thanks for your advices, sorry i didn't make it clear.. he didn't ask me out until i finished his class (and graduated from that school at the same time). he didn't do much while i was in his class except some sweet emails and eye contact, but nothing happened back then. he never made me feel like im trapped or anything like that. he is sweet and caring, the only problem i have is with his family.. i can't let myself be his mistress and yet can't keep myself away from him... How far have you gone with him? Is this affair physical yet? It's CLEAR that you knowingly get involved with a married man and intentionally distroy a home and family. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 i can't let myself be his mistress yet you are. If you're not happy with that role, end it. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 im 22 still in college. im irresistibly falling in love with a married man, who is my former professor. he asked me out after i finished his class. i've been struggling because i knew he has a family, but i just wasn't able to say no to him... now i found myself getting deeper and deeper in, even to the point where i can't get myself out of the situation although im totally aware it's terrible... it's my first love, i've never felt like this before, i can't let go of all his sweetness and every moment we spent together.. which is so special to me... but it pains me a lot to think of his wife and kids and the fact that we don't have a future... im a woman too, i sometimes put myself in his wife's shoes and i can feel how hurt it is. i know the right thing for me to do is to leave him as soon as possible but yet i don't know how... i know im only a little part of his life while he is the whole world to me...every minute is like an hour when he is not with me... could anyone give me some direction to go on... i don't have much experience before and so helpless... Nancy, fwiw I think it's terrible that he's homed in on you with the emails and the looks while you were still his student. If what you're writing here in any way reflects your personality, then he disgusts me. He may be your 'first love' and you have no experience, but you're not helpless, you've found this place and there was a reason you did that. Now you can start to plan how to get out of this. I hear you saying you don't want to be his mistress... but at the same time I get the idea that you'd like it to turn out that he leaves..? Is that why you're posting, to ask for opinions on whether he'll leave? Otherwise, why not just end it, if you don't want to be in the position you're in, and you really think it's going nowhere..? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 thanks for your advices, sorry i didn't make it clear.. he didn't ask me out until i finished his class (and graduated from that school at the same time). he didn't do much while i was in his class except some sweet emails and eye contact, but nothing happened back then. he never made me feel like im trapped or anything like that. he is sweet and caring, the only problem i have is with his family.. i can't let myself be his mistress and yet can't keep myself away from him... This guy has probably done this countless of times as some professors do. He is smart enough to wait until you graduate so it won't affect his reputation. He is no good and means you no good. How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 P.S. Don't let this married creep steal your youth!!! That is what these types do. Get out now before you wake up 5 years from now at 27 and realize that you wasted your young years on a fantasy. He will not leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
DepressedWaiting Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I didn't read this entire thread (not necessary). I got involved with MM when I was 21 yrs old (I am not 28 yrs old!!!) and it has RUINED the past 7 years of my life. Do NOT let this married a**hole whose looking to suck you into any affair with him and cheat on his wife with you. It will be the BIGGEST mistake you will make in your entire life. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Absolutely! And, get out there and hang with people your own age. You will meet so many single men who can show you the experience you deserve and need to grow as a person. This man can only show you the dark side. You do not want to be hidden, left alone on holidays, lied to and maybe eventually dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Dejavu...reminded me of my business law professor when I too, was 21. I was active in classroom participation and debate. One day, I asked him legal question after class. Next thing I knew, the next day, he handed me an envelope after class and told me to read it later. Naive me I thought it was a lengthy answer to my "legal question". Duh. It was a four page letter with a poem about a "grasshopper". In the end, he wrote, he's never done this before and wanted to take me out. Though realizing how awkward the approach and situation, he wrote he'd understood if I declined. It took a few days to muster the courage to decline. I talked to him after class. I told him while I was flattered, I told him I already had a boyfriend even if I didn't. I could've gotten an A, but my class participation level dwindled and the joy of going to that class was shot. Got a B. But, the teacher-student relationship affected me the next few years of college that I avoided male professors. If the professors were male, I sat in the last row. Point is, we put ourselves in situations by "choice" as owl said. We make choices based on where we are emotionally and mentally in our lives. Level of self-esteem, probably the most powerful measurement of how me make choices that puts us in situations. And boy, this is a powerful lithmus test of what we do to ourselves. You say you don't want to be his mistress, yet you are in every way his mistress no matter how you slice it. You say you are bothered by the thought of you being a "woman" that he's doing it to his wife but you're doing it anyway. You claim he is your "first love" but he is married. So what does this say about you? You haven't defined who you truly are. A high self esteem would not have allowed you to stoop that low as to go "after" anther woman's husband. A high self-esteem would allow you to define your ground rules for you self that you find acceptable and unacceptable. A high self esteem allows you to LOVE yourself. You haven't defined what self-love is. After all, if you love yourelf, this would be the last thing you do to yourself, wouldn't it? Loving yourself, comes respecting yourself. Since neither is void, how could you respect another woman whose husband you are having an affair with when you don't have none for yourself in the first place? Is this the life lesson you wish to remember when you're 50 years old? Think about it? When you're 50, what will you say that you did at 21? Are you feeling proud? Link to post Share on other sites
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