spidermonkeyz Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I guess I should start with a small background about myself. I'm 29 and I have had 3 relationships in my whole life. When I was too young, I made the mistake of getting married. He was the first and through that time open marriage seemed to be his mantra. In the fact that he liked a lot of other girls and didn't keep it a secret that he was seeing them. I tried to make the marriage work for awhile, but ended up not caring anymore and we ended up getting divorced. Today, we are friends, and friends only. Then I started dating a girl from Canada. She was absolutely amazing. We had a lot of passion and love that still underlines each time that we talk, which is one of the reasons we don't talk anymore. At any rate, we stopped seeing each other for multiple reasons. One big one was that I lived in Seattle at the time and she lived in Ottawa. The distance was just too much and she had major issues of trust. So I took a break from dating for a couple of years. I was okay on my own and everything. I didn't need to be in a relationship to actually be happy. Then I moved to Baltimore and I guess I was missing all of my friends up in Seattle so I thought that I would try to start dating again. I went for about 4 months dating different guys and not committing to any of them. Actually to be honest, I usually only gave each guy 1 date and that was it. To be fair though, a lot of them were creepy once I did go out with them. For instance, there was this one guy who invited me over to his place for dinner. He was going to show me his art collection seeing as how I am huge into the arts. I agreed. It sounded really nice. The first thing that I noticed when I went into his house was a mannequin with it's head cut off, dressed in stripper clothes and blood splattered all over it. A little dark? Meh, that still didn't deture me. I was determined to give him a little more time. He then instantly invited me down to his basement. Now this was weird. I just knew that my body was going to end up being found there. At any rate, I did end up going down, with 911 punched into my cell phone and my thumb ready to push dial at the slightest signal of trouble. He then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to see his hole in the wall in the basement where he kept his most special piece. I got the whole "put the lotion on the skin" vibes here and said no thanks and ran out as quickly as possible. Never called the guy again..... After about 50 other guys that I found something wrong with, along came Mike. Now Mike was a real sweetheart. He had a very interesting job designing playstation games. This intrigued me. He did everything right. He opened the car door, sent me sweet texts at work, sent me flowers at work, left me sweet e-mails, took me to places that he knew I would find interesting. We had both just emerged to Baltimore from Seattle so we had a lot in common there. During this time, I also met Rob. Now Rob was this bad boy who was all wrong for me. He was the high school drop out who enjoyed alcohol and other stuff that I had never considered who had had many multiple sexual relationships when he was younger.. I was the ex-cheerleader, straight A college grad and had only been sexual with 2 people at that time in my whole life...We kept things light at first. Now during this time, Mike had wanted to become sexual with me. This is where I bolted and didn't call him again. Then after 2 weeks of casual dating with Rob, I had a fling with him. I hadn't intended on staying the night, nor walking out of his house the next morning past his visiting mother with my blouse half buttoned and my shoes in my hands...I tried unsuccessfully to slip past her..I could not believe my behavior or what it was about him that attracted me to him that much. All I did know was that he was bad trouble and I shouldn't get involved... I didn't listen to myself...I kept going on other dates with other guys and I just couldn't keep from thinking about him. After about 4 months of this, I decided to just see him. Now from day one he has been the most confusing person ever. One day hot, the next day cold. I still cannot figure him out. We dated for awhile after that and then decided to try and move in together to see what we could develop...Now Rob had one major thing going on in his life that I was aware of before I moved in with him. He was still married, but going through a divorce. Actually there was a protective order against his wife for her trying to kill him and his son. So during our first 9 months together, she wasn't in our lives at all. We had small differences during that time, but for the most part it was a really sweet time. We were getting along swimmingly well and I had developed honest deep feelings for him. Last month during a pretrial for their divorce, she reentered his life because he was ordered to give her supervised visitations. Since that date, she has been calling him 15-20 times a day and texting him every 5 minutes saying how much that she loved him and wanted him back. It was then that I discovered that he had started seeing me only 2 weeks after he had her removed from the house. He says that he lost 15 years of his life with her and doesn't want anything she has to offer again..She even had her family call and try to talk to him. Now his best friend and mother has told me repeatedly that the two of them have had a rocky relationship, but he always goes back to her no matter what. He states to me that this time he won't go back. He says that he doesn't want her back. The thing that has been bothering me is that he says that he doesn't answer her calls or texts period. I thought it was strange that a person would continuously call if they weren't being responded to, so I did check the phone records, which before you judge me, he checks my records, e-mails and texts all the time. I don't have anything to hide. The phone records showed that he had been calling her as well and texting her. He looked me right in the eyes and lied to me. Now at this point, I confronted him only to be told that I wasn't being understanding of his situation and that he wasn't talking to her anymore. He swears that he doesn't have anything to say to her and that he hates her. I started apartment hunting because I can't live with the lies. He sat me down yesterday and talked with me. He told me that he loved me and really wanted to build something with me. He also said that he told her that he wanted her to stop calling, texting and all of that stuff 2 days ago. Sure enough, she is calling and texting again and again. He told me today that I am going to have to put up with that for the next 16 years, when his daughter turns 18. I don't have a problem with him having to talk to her on days that she has visitation or on matters concerning their children. I actually could understand that. That isn't what they talk about. She calls professing her love and he expects me to sit back quietly and be okay with it and understand. Everything within me is telling me to leave now, even though he is begging me not to go. It just isn't something that I can live with everyday. I can't even go out to dinner with him without her calling. I guess I just wanted some advice on how to handle this and if I am actually being understanding enough. Am I wrong for feeling the way that I feel and is it just me being really bad at relationships? Thanks if you got this far. Sorry for the long read Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 He told me today that I am going to have to put up with that for the next 16 years, when his daughter turns 18. I don't have a problem with him having to talk to her on days that she has visitation or on matters concerning their children. I actually could understand that. That isn't what they talk about. She calls professing her love and he expects me to sit back quietly and be okay with it and understand. Everything within me is telling me to leave now, even though he is begging me not to go. It just isn't something that I can live with everyday. I can't even go out to dinner with him without her calling. So, he's telling you he's unable to set boundaries with this woman, and you'll just have to deal with it for the next 16 years? And that seems reasonable to him? He's begging you not to go. I'd tell him what your limits are - that you're OK with him "having to talk to her on days that she has visitation or on matters concerning their children", but not with her level of invasiveness. If he's unable to contain her intrusions - despite having had a protection order against her - you will not last! Given her history of instability, you have every right to demand - and expect - him to minimise the impact she has on your life. If he's unwilling, or unable, to do so, it would be really unfair of him to expect you to put up with that. Put that to him and leave the ball in his court. If he's willing to force her to comply with normal behaviour standards, you have a chance. Otherwise, you're right to set your limits and stick to them - and leave him to deal with the homocidal ex on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 It seems as though you have a penchant for drama... The first man you were drawn to ended up being a philanderer who cheated on you left, right, and center...broke your heart and caused you to divorce him. Next you explore a relationship with a woman that didn't work out for its own myriad of reasons. You then enter the dating scene in Baltimore and almost get plastered into a hole of some nut's basement. Finally, you meet a guy called Mike who treats you like a queen but you dump him because he behaves like a gentleman without the immature drama you crave. Now you've ended up with your "bad boy" Rob who comes baggaged with a homicidal soon-to-be ex wife who won't stop interfering with your relationship! I'm afraid your affinity for drama has taken an even more dangerous turn than you experienced with Mr. "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again"! I fortell you falling victim to violence in your life directed against you by Rob's ex. sooner or later because you represent the primary obstacle standing in the way of her affections. And because you seem so insistent on remaining "too close to the forest to see the trees" you won't have a clue as to what's coming until she yells "TIMBER" and drops a tree trunk on you! I'd advise that you avoid this drama and find out what Mike's up to! "Feet don't fail me now"! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I'd advise that you avoid this drama and find out what Mike's up to! Making up for his boring life by designing some action in playstation games? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Making up for his boring life by designing some action in playstation games? Aw come on now. We all have to do something for a living! Boring yes...but safer than those falling trees! Who knows...maybe she can liven up his party by throwing some drama his way! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Aw come on now. We all have to do something for a living! Boring yes...but safer than those falling trees! Who knows...maybe she can liven up his party by throwing some drama his way! If Rob got a protection order against the W before, because of a homicide attempt, it should be pretty easy to have the courts rightsize the contact (and the conditions of that contact) she has with the kids. IF he wanted to. And he could make it stick fairly easily - with the assistance of law enforcement agencies if necessary - IF he really wanted to set boundaries. He has a choice here, and the OP should insist he draw acceptable boundaries if she wants any kind of future with him. Mike - well, Mike is the Plan B guy. He'd be OK for a rebound - he'd dry the tears, provide the cuddles on the dark lonely nights and boost the self-esteem with lots of roses and candlelight. And then, once recovery has happened, Spider could whizz off to someone a little more... challenging? interesting? personality-enabled? for something less one-directional. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 If Rob got a protection order against the W before, because of a homicide attempt, it should be pretty easy to have the courts rightsize the contact (and the conditions of that contact) she has with the kids. IF he wanted to. And he could make it stick fairly easily - with the assistance of law enforcement agencies if necessary - IF he really wanted to set boundaries. He has a choice here, and the OP should insist he draw acceptable boundaries if she wants any kind of future with him. Mike - well, Mike is the Plan B guy. He'd be OK for a rebound - he'd dry the tears, provide the cuddles on the dark lonely nights and boost the self-esteem with lots of roses and candlelight. And then, once recovery has happened, Spider could whizz off to someone a little more... challenging? interesting? personality-enabled? for something less one-directional. Yep...Now, if we could just get the criminal minds to comply with the rule of law we could wrap this situation up without any further worries. On a seperate note, I'd better stock up on my "wife-beater" T's! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 And because you seem so insistent on remaining "too close to the forest to see the trees" you won't have a clue as to what's coming until she yells "TIMBER" and drops a tree trunk on you! ROFLMAO - what a classic Link to post Share on other sites
Author spidermonkeyz Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 Didn't wife beater t's go out with the 80's? lmao Thanks for all of the advice. I honestly appreciate it very very much. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Making up for his boring life by designing some action in playstation games? And in the process of doing so- he is sucessfully ruining relationships everywhere! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 This guy needs to set boundaries with his ex. He is the only one that can do that. The fact that he is lying to you about responding to her has to tell you something. Sharing children together does not mean he has to put up with her stalking him. It sounds to me like he likes the drama too.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 This guy needs to set boundaries with his ex. He is the only one that can do that. Yes. Do you want a man or a mouse? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Didn't wife beater t's go out with the 80's? lmao Thanks for all of the advice. I honestly appreciate it very very much. Are you kidding?!...I'm still listening to "The Isley Brothers", "Peabo Bryson", "Luther Vandross", and etc... (Although, there's been some rap from time to time to move my groove!) And in the process of doing so- he is sucessfully ruining relationships everywhere! Yes. Do you want a man or a mouse? You guys are way harsh! You're making this guy look like "Pointdexter"! Link to post Share on other sites
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