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ugh. I'm an "internet girlfriend".


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So I've come to realize that I am someone's "internet girlfriend". This someone has a real girlfriend too, which makes this even more complicated. It started very innocently, we were work friends for a long time and just started talking on the internet about 6 months ago. I'm ashamed to say that I've grown very much attached to my "friend". He's become like a best friend and we talk every single day, often for several hours both online or on the phone. When we go long periods of time without talking, I miss him. It's terrible, like I sit around and mope wondering why he hasn't been online. I haven't told him this though, but he's expressed that he feels the same. He's a lot more open about his "feelings" than I am, often saying things like "what would I do without you?" or "I need you, I don't know what I would do. Please don't even joke about it." <-- about me ending contact with him. He's become really "mushy" with me lately, giving me these pet names and talking about how he misses me and ending our talks with "xoxoxo" or giving "cyberhugs" and "cyberkisses", stuff even I as a girl would find sappy.

 

I know it's having an effect on his relationship. He says that "this" didn't do it, but I find that hard to believe. He says that it's been bad for a long time and that he's been unhappy, but he'd been content to stay because he was afraid of change. Apparently she'd said he was annoying and only talked about things she had no interest in, that she's a loud social drinker and he's a quiet homebody, that she's all the time giving him veiled threats to dump him. However, he says that talking to me has made him realize that he doesn't have to be unhappy. That he and I match each other's interests point for point and that he never had this much in common with her. He tried to break up with her about two months ago, but he was surprised with her reaction. She became distraught and broke down in tears, saying she couldn't live without him. He caved in to her tears and has actually convinced himself that he's doing the "right thing" by staying in this relationship with her to prevent "breaking her heart" even though he says he wants to be with me.

 

I've tried ending it with him several times, but I've been unsuccessful. I actually experience symptoms similar to "withdrawl" when we stop talking. He becomes all I can think about and I'm miserable and have no interest to do much of anything. All I do is sleep(beside my laptop). Then, of course, he starts sending me these depressed, lame, pleading messages to talk to him and how equally-miserable he is without me and soon enough, we're back to talking again.

 

It's affecting MY life too. I've very recently become single and I've dated a few guys, but my "friend" becomes quite jealous and obviously upset over it. He knows he has no room to talk, but he still gets all depressed and weird over it. Of course, I never have any fun on my dates because I spend the whole time thinking about how much more fun it'd have been with him. I am just so conflicted. I know this is not a good situation. I don't feel good about it. I don't like how attached I've become to him. I don't know how long this situation with his girlfriend is going to continue. And just to pre-emptively answer questions, he lives 4 miles away from me. We've hung out in person several times, but we were completely platonic about it. We watched movies, he's given me several rides to drop off/pick up my car from the dealership, I've visited him at work(at his request). We've done absolutely nothing physical with each other and we don't intend too(at least as long as he's otherwise committed).

 

I need advice!!!

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He tried to break up with her about two months ago, but he was surprised with her reaction. She became distraught and broke down in tears, saying she couldn't live without him. He caved in to her tears and has actually convinced himself that he's doing the "right thing" by staying in this relationship with her to prevent "breaking her heart" even though he says he wants to be with me.

 

It's affecting MY life too. I've very recently become single and I've dated a few guys, but my "friend" becomes quite jealous and obviously upset over it. He knows he has no room to talk, but he still gets all depressed and weird over it.

 

I don't like how attached I've become to him. I don't know how long this situation with his girlfriend is going to continue.

 

So he isn't ending it with his girlfriend because she gets 'too upset', but you are not allowed to see anyone else because HE gets 'too upset'. And you're not ending it with him because you get 'too upset'.

 

The situation will continue as long as you allow it to. You either have to put your foot down with him and tell him what you won't put up with any longer (his excuses for not ending things with his girlfriend, his emotional manipulation of you when you date others), or you just pull the plug on this relationship. Possibly both, one after the other.

 

If he doesn't come to his senses then what have you lost? What are you getting out of this situation? Your attachment to him is keeping you locked into this (stating the obvious here of course!), but what is it you're attached to or afraid to let go of..?

 

All I see here is a lot of fear and some manipulation arising out of that. You have to be brave, decide what you want and will/won't put up with, and then follow through.

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He tried to break up with her about two months ago, but he was surprised with her reaction. She became distraught and broke down in tears, saying she couldn't live without him. He caved in to her tears and has actually convinced himself that he's doing the "right thing" by staying in this relationship with her to prevent "breaking her heart" even though he says he wants to be with me.

 

Oh great - another relationship built on pity! Healthy, secure and sustainable, that is... :rolleyes:

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Lookingforward
He tried to break up with her about two months ago, but he was surprised with her reaction. She became distraught and broke down in tears, saying she couldn't live without him. He caved in to her tears and has actually convinced himself that he's doing the "right thing" by staying in this relationship with her to prevent "breaking her heart" even though he says he wants to be with me.

 

Every time I see such as above, I cringe.

 

My kid brother went through the same kind of thing, eventually shot himself and within 3 months the girl who "couldn't live without him if he left" was pregnant by her new b/f.

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Oh great - another relationship built on pity! Healthy, secure and sustainable, that is...

 

True, but my take on this is probably a little different...it very likely wasn't "built on pity" PRIOR to his emotional affair.

 

When he started emotionally investing in his online girlfriend, he STOPPED emotionally investing in his girlfriend. So now, its DEVOLVED into being built in pity.

 

Even then...remember...this is what he's telling his online gf...you know, the one he wants to love him and be impressed with him and his compassion and etc...so of course he's going to paint it so that his affair relationship doesn't look so bad anymore.

 

Where the TRUTH in the whole situation really is at is anyone's guess. Odds are...none of them would recognize it at this point...not him (viewing it through affair covered glasses), not his wife (only seeing the parts of the situation that he's LET her see), and not his online girlfriend who has the whole situation filtered through him to her.

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True, but my take on this is probably a little different...it very likely wasn't "built on pity" PRIOR to his emotional affair.

 

When he started emotionally investing in his online girlfriend, he STOPPED emotionally investing in his girlfriend. So now, its DEVOLVED into being built in pity.

 

Even then...remember...this is what he's telling his online gf...you know, the one he wants to love him and be impressed with him and his compassion and etc...so of course he's going to paint it so that his affair relationship doesn't look so bad anymore.

 

Where the TRUTH in the whole situation really is at is anyone's guess. Odds are...none of them would recognize it at this point...not him (viewing it through affair covered glasses), not his wife (only seeing the parts of the situation that he's LET her see), and not his online girlfriend who has the whole situation filtered through him to her.

 

Owl I'm sorry - no guy could possibly be dumb enough to think he's impressing any woman by staying in a R just "because he feels sorry for her" - not with his "compassion" and neither with his indecisive weakness. Chances are, she'll either think he's lying about his true feelings, or he's a wuss. Last I looked, I didn't see women queuing up for those qualities (though many people have to accept them as "part of the package", they're not what women seek out in a partner - or even a ONS, typically).

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Lookingforward
Owl I'm sorry - no guy could possibly be dumb enough to think he's impressing any woman by staying in a R just "because he feels sorry for her" - not with his "compassion" and neither with his indecisive weakness. Chances are, she'll either think he's lying about his true feelings, or he's a wuss. Last I looked, I didn't see women queuing up for those qualities (though many people have to accept them as "part of the package", they're not what women seek out in a partner - or even a ONS, typically).

 

Yeah, have to agree - that is definitely barf making - when a guy says "I do have a gf, I'm not happy, but what can I do" that signals a very high puke factor in my book. It's not like he's even M to her fgs

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Yeah, have to agree - that is definitely barf making - when a guy says "I do have a gf, I'm not happy, but what can I do" that signals a very high puke factor in my book. It's not like he's even M to her fgs

 

Unless he's hoping it gets leaked to the gf so that she leaves of her own accord, and he can look like the wronged party and get some pity of his own... :sick:

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Owl I'm sorry - no guy could possibly be dumb enough to think he's impressing any woman by staying in a R just "because he feels sorry for her" - not with his "compassion" and neither with his indecisive weakness. Chances are, she'll either think he's lying about his true feelings, or he's a wuss. Last I looked, I didn't see women queuing up for those qualities (though many people have to accept them as "part of the package", they're not what women seek out in a partner - or even a ONS, typically).

 

I think we'll have to disagree. I think its a very, VERY common occurence. Look at how well its worked here...nearly every single story on this board starts this way. And all the women posters here DO "feel sorry" for him, and think he's SOOOOO noble for staying for her, or for the kids, or for the family pet. I not only think its common...I think its EFFECTIVE.

 

How many "success" stories have we seen where he really did leave his wife and live LONG TERM with the other woman? How many end up right back with their wives?

 

I honestly do believe that these men lie...and this is the FIRST standard lie that they tell. They start it at first to justify their being interested in the other woman. Think about it... a woman won't respect the guy if he's just cheating on his wife to cheat on his wife...oh no....that means he's a bad man!!! But, if its "justified" because he's in a horrible relationship and just "sticking it out"...why, that makes everything ok.

 

It gives HIM a rationalization for his behavior...AND...it gives HER a rationalization to be with him as well.

 

If she's sleeping with a married man who's perfectly happy...OMG, what kind of horrible woman is she?!?!? But, if she 'consoling' this poor bastage in a horrible marriage who is too noble to hurt his wife by leaving...why, that makes her into Florence Nightengale! Now SHE's being noble by default.

 

Sorry Owoman...I don't buy it. Not only do they lie about this...but it WORKS for them.

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I think we'll have to disagree. I think its a very, VERY common occurence. Look at how well its worked here...nearly every single story on this board starts this way. And all the women posters here DO "feel sorry" for him, and think he's SOOOOO noble for staying for her, or for the kids, or for the family pet. I not only think its common...I think its EFFECTIVE.

 

Owl I'm not sure which threads you're referring to, but every MM who's posted here about staying "for the kids" or "because his W would be gutted if he left" has been publicly crucified - or at least, those I've seen. I've not seen anyone - OW, BS or even MM / xMM - supporting posters who come out with that kind of rationalisation.

 

It would help if you could supply evidence - which threads are you referring to in your "how well it's worked here" statement, because I really can't recall any?

 

How many "success" stories have we seen where he really did leave his wife and live LONG TERM with the other woman? How many end up right back with their wives?

 

I'm sure you intended that rhetorically, but it would actually be interesting if someone had the time to go through the data and count up. It's obviously hard to tell where posters disappear, what the long term outcome is, but there are some who come back (happy at last being one that springs to mind) for updates after the passage of time.

 

I honestly do believe that these men lie...and this is the FIRST standard lie that they tell. They start it at first to justify their being interested in the other woman. Think about it... a woman won't respect the guy if he's just cheating on his wife to cheat on his wife...oh no....that means he's a bad man!!! But, if its "justified" because he's in a horrible relationship and just "sticking it out"...why, that makes everything ok.

 

It gives HIM a rationalization for his behavior...AND...it gives HER a rationalization to be with him as well.

 

If she's sleeping with a married man who's perfectly happy...OMG, what kind of horrible woman is she?!?!? But, if she 'consoling' this poor bastage in a horrible marriage who is too noble to hurt his wife by leaving...why, that makes her into Florence Nightengale! Now SHE's being noble by default.

 

Sorry Owoman...I don't buy it. Not only do they lie about this...but it WORKS for them.

 

Well Owl, I would NEVER touch a MM who claims to be unhappily M - never have, never would, because I'm nobody's social worker and nobody's band aid. All the MMs I've ever been with have all been honest (or as honest as they could, given their own perspectives) about their Ms at the time. Admittedly, none of them ever approached me, and perhaps that's a difference with many of the stories here - perhaps a guy hitting on a potential OW feels the need to spin a line, to get some response. But as a "predatory" OW I've never gone for pity cases - if I was in the mercy **** business I'd hang out at the ugly shelter and donate to a worthy cause there. I wasn't in it to make the world a better place - I was in it to get my rocks off and pity is not an effective aphrodisiac, IME.

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Owoman, you're right. The whole "unhappy marriage" thing IS very unattractive to some people...especially decisive and "take charge" individuals.

 

I have NO DOUBT that it doesn't appeal to you. Nor do I think it would appeal to Lizzie.

 

But look at all the OW on the board right now...how many of them have heard that same "unhappy marriage" story as part of what MM told them in the beginning of their relationship? While I'm sure you believe that they're in unhappy marriages, the truth is that this is the first like that the MM will also begin to tell himself! He knows that if he goes to MOST women telling them that he's in a happy marriage he just wants her to drop her drawers for him....it aint gonna work.

 

But if he gives a sob story about how he should never have married, it was a huge mistake, and he just needs to find out how to be happier...then yes, a LOT of women out there want to comfort him...and the situation starts from there.

 

Would this work with a woman who's just looking to sleep with married men? Probably not. She doesn't WANT a relationship with him...which this would be the step into. Does it work with a woman who's looking for a relationship to begin with??? Darn skippy it does.

 

But...now that you're IN a relationship with a MM...notice how willing you are to rescue him from his horrible, abusive marriage that he has sacrificed so much for over the years? :)

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But...now that you're IN a relationship with a MM...notice how willing you are to rescue him from his horrible, abusive marriage that he has sacrificed so much for over the years? :)

 

:confused: Methinks you have me confused with his counsellor? Seriously Owl, at the point where I realised that I wanted more than a little bit of Mambo no 5, he stepped up to the plate and took action. There was no rescuing to be done. He's had the support of his counsellor - and he took the family (sans W, who wouldn't go) off for counselling to ensure as smooth a transition as possible. His M has been horrible and abusive - but he was the last to admit it! and he's never, ever said a word to me about how awful it was - my only info on this has come from his family, friends and colleagues who have witnessed it first hand.

 

I guess he knows that if he did say something, I'd turn it on him and ask why he was dumb / wussy / pathetic enough to put up with it, and he's smart enough to see where that would lead... :p

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ObsessedAsUsual

First off, hello...this is my first post!

 

I too am involved with my OM online, although we went to junior high school together but never got together then...he knows I am married, but has declared that he has fallen in love with me while we have been chatting on the net, and will wait for me no matter what. I can relate to and totally understand the jealousy the MM mentioned somewhere above feels when the internet partner attempts to date IRL and are not always available for him, etc...I too have been quite bad about getting really angry if I get the sense that he is flirting with anyone else, even online, although the one time I had a serious rant about it he assured me by swearing on God and on his daughter that his feelings for me are real and that there is no one else and that he will always love me and no one else, etc...and I am placated.

 

Anyway...now I sense he is pulling away a bit and it is driving me insane. I know that I have fallen completely insanely in love with this guy and it is probably up to me to split up with H who is not WHOLLY terrible - just a incompatible with me emotionally, which I knew going in, but thought we could make it work, and take my chances or let this one go...but I can't seem to make a bloody decision. Sorry...just had to get that out.

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Obsessed...welcome here!

 

I'd like to suggest that you post your story in a seperate thread, so that we can keep advice to you in that thread, and advice for the poster of this thread here...it just makes it easier to keep the posters and their stories straight.

 

I'll watch and post to your thread when you see it...and share a link to my story as well. It will be interesting to see your view on it.

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TWhere the TRUTH in the whole situation really is at is anyone's guess.

 

The truth seems very clear to me:

 

He is still with his gf.

He is emotionally cheating on his gf, and lying to her by hiding his involvement with Jen.

He is stringing Jen along so HIS needs continue to be met and he gets what he wants.

He is a selfish coward who cannot or will not make a decision about either girl.

Jen is wasting away her life on him when she could be dating a guy who could really be with her 100%.

Jen is, as she herself said, miserable.

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Owl I'm not sure which threads you're referring to, but every MM who's posted here about staying "for the kids" or "because his W would be gutted if he left" has been publicly crucified - or at least, those I've seen. I've not seen anyone - OW, BS or even MM / xMM - supporting posters who come out with that kind of rationalisation.

 

It would help if you could supply evidence - which threads are you referring to in your "how well it's worked here" statement, because I really can't recall any?

 

 

 

I'm sure you intended that rhetorically, but it would actually be interesting if someone had the time to go through the data and count up. It's obviously hard to tell where posters disappear, what the long term outcome is, but there are some who come back (happy at last being one that springs to mind) for updates after the passage of time.

 

 

 

Well Owl, I would NEVER touch a MM who claims to be unhappily M - never have, never would, because I'm nobody's social worker and nobody's band aid. All the MMs I've ever been with have all been honest (or as honest as they could, given their own perspectives) about their Ms at the time. Admittedly, none of them ever approached me, and perhaps that's a difference with many of the stories here - perhaps a guy hitting on a potential OW feels the need to spin a line, to get some response. But as a "predatory" OW I've never gone for pity cases - if I was in the mercy **** business I'd hang out at the ugly shelter and donate to a worthy cause there. I wasn't in it to make the world a better place - I was in it to get my rocks off and pity is not an effective aphrodisiac, IME.

WOW:lmao::lmao::lmao: Love your post! Amazing how honest you express yourself, am impressed;)

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I think we'll have to disagree. I think its a very, VERY common occurence. Look at how well its worked here...nearly every single story on this board starts this way. And all the women posters here DO "feel sorry" for him, and think he's SOOOOO noble for staying for her, or for the kids, or for the family pet. I not only think its common...I think its EFFECTIVE.

 

How many "success" stories have we seen where he really did leave his wife and live LONG TERM with the other woman? How many end up right back with their wives?

 

I honestly do believe that these men lie...and this is the FIRST standard lie that they tell. They start it at first to justify their being interested in the other woman. Think about it... a woman won't respect the guy if he's just cheating on his wife to cheat on his wife...oh no....that means he's a bad man!!! But, if its "justified" because he's in a horrible relationship and just "sticking it out"...why, that makes everything ok.

 

But Owl, don't you think that most men who have affairs ARE in an unhappy relationship at home? Not saying it's not their fault, or their wife is to blame, or its not fixable, or they're not in need of therapy in some cases, or any of that, but come on... who goes outside the marriage if they're happy at home?

 

I think it's stretching things a bit far to say that OW get involved with MM because they 'feel sorry' for them. Or if they do, or use that as some justification for getting involved, then that sympathy doesn't usually last a whole long time. Just look at the abuse piled on MM who post here, and the anger and disappointment from the majority of OW who have been waiting for some MM to make up his mind for years.

 

If it was really all about sympathy, I think we'd see a lot less of that kind of thing on the boards.

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Jen is, as she herself said, miserable.

 

That, ultimately, is what matters IMO. If something is not working for you - why suffer?

 

(that goes for any R - whether A, M, FWB... anything at all)

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who goes outside the marriage if they're happy at home?

 

 

Depends who's hitting on whom. Guys who are happy at home may well not hit on OW, but that doesn't inoculate them against being hit on by OW or giving in to the OW's seductive charms. BTDT myself. No one is perfectly happy 100% of the time; no relationship is perfect. All it takes is a moment of weakness, the right OW at the right time.... who knows?

 

(No, I'm not saying ALL men are "cheaters". :rolleyes: I'm just saying that NOT all MM who land up in As are "unhappy at home" - at least not in any chronic, noticeable sense where they'd consider themselves such.)

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But Owl, don't you think that most men who have affairs ARE in an unhappy relationship at home? Not saying it's not their fault, or their wife is to blame, or its not fixable, or they're not in need of therapy in some cases, or any of that, but come on... who goes outside the marriage if they're happy at home?

 

I think it's stretching things a bit far to say that OW get involved with MM because they 'feel sorry' for them. Or if they do, or use that as some justification for getting involved, then that sympathy doesn't usually last a whole long time. Just look at the abuse piled on MM who post here, and the anger and disappointment from the majority of OW who have been waiting for some MM to make up his mind for years.

 

If it was really all about sympathy, I think we'd see a lot less of that kind of thing on the boards.

 

I actually agree with Owoman on this point.

 

Some men ARE unhappy at home (regardless of the source of the unhappiness).

 

Some are simply cheaters. They're the ones that feel that if they can get away with it, its ok. Given the opportunity...they cheat. PERIOD.

 

I've known both types of "cheaters" in my life.

 

And I'm not saying OW get involved with these men out of sympathy. (although that can be part of it) What I'm saying is that MOST women won't hook up with a man who appears to cheat for NO REASON at all. They don't want to be victim to a "playa". So, the MM makes up a sob story about how horrible things are, the mistake he made in marrying, yada yada yada...and it suddenly gives them both a solid 'rationalization' for the affair. "He was unhappy in his marriage already, so us getting together didn't cause any harm in the marriage." "His marriage was a mistake to begin with." ""I wouldn't have ever considered sleeping with a MM before, but its clear that his marriage is over."

 

How many times have you heard variations on those statements around here? And how many times have you seen those affairs lead on FOREVER without him leaving for the OW?

 

Like I've said...I've known a number of guys who cheated on their wives...and this is probably the most common thing you hear from them. And I've known these guys personally, and SEEN that things aren't that bad in their marriage. When you press them for details, they suddenly go vague...because there AREN'T any details around it...its often just not true.

 

Now...there are SOME that aren't lying about this, to be sure. But they're a definite minority. Seriously, ask any of your guy friends about this...ask them if they think its true or not, or if these guys make up this "line" in order to hook up with an OW.

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I actually agree with Owoman on this point.

 

Owl, please - you're ruining my reputation! :p

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Trust me dear...I won't be the one to ruin your reputation!!! :D :D :D :D :D

 

(completely meant as a joke, my friend!)

 

 

Happy Friday! :)

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Trust me dear...I won't be the one to ruin your reputation!!! :D :D :D :D :D

 

 

I guess that depends on which reputation you're referring to... :p :p :p :p

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Depends who's hitting on whom. Guys who are happy at home may well not hit on OW, but that doesn't inoculate them against being hit on by OW or giving in to the OW's seductive charms. BTDT myself. No one is perfectly happy 100% of the time; no relationship is perfect. All it takes is a moment of weakness, the right OW at the right time.... who knows?

 

I don't know, maybe. I don't have any experience of hitting on MM so I'll bow to your superior knowledge there :laugh:

 

I actually agree with Owoman on this point.

 

Some men ARE unhappy at home (regardless of the source of the unhappiness).

 

Some are simply cheaters. They're the ones that feel that if they can get away with it, its ok. Given the opportunity...they cheat. PERIOD..

 

Absolutely. Those are the kind in my summary I thought who needed therapy :lmao:

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