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XMM emailed me at work. my response should be?


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neverendingsaga

For those of you who are familiar w/ my story. i am at work & XMM is too & i just got an email from him on our work email & it says:

 

'Getting blown off is very upsetting. I would never do that to you.'

 

WTF?! im not even sure what hes talking about. i guess not responding to his last email (which didnt even ASK me anything, it just said 'i had some questions i wanted to ask you but i guess i cant now that you say no contact no matter what.') why cant he just leave me alone. :(

 

i was going to respond with:

 

'I asked for no contact until you're not married anymore or you have decided for sure that you want to acknowledge me in your life. That is different than blowing you off. I don't appreciate you trying to make me feel guilty for something that I know is best for me. Please do not contact me again.'

 

but then i realised that is responding to his attempt to break NC. (& he will prolly yell at me for writing him on work email like he did last time i responded to HIS work email!! i can never do anyting right when it comes to him!!) i dont want him to keep sending me annoying emails or worse yet, come down here to try to talk to me in person. i want to make it CLEAR that i want NC & why. i feel ive already done that but i guess not if he is still emailing me.

 

im so sorry for my dependence on this board but i want to make sure im doing the right thing, i am so tired of screwing up & feeling like ***** afterwards. someone tell me what to do, do i just delete it & be prepared for him bugging me more about 'blowing him off'?? or do i just respond & say what i was going to say, or just say 'i said no contact & i meant it' or what???

 

:(

 

this is really distressing me, i really want to be left alone, someone tell me how to best achieve this goal- 'delete' button or strong response or the response i drafted or what?

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serial muse
For those of you who are familiar w/ my story. i am at work & XMM is too & i just got an email from him on our work email & it says:

 

'Getting blown off is very upsetting. I would never do that to you.'

 

WTF?! im not even sure what hes talking about. i guess not responding to his last email (which didnt even ASK me anything, it just said 'i had some questions i wanted to ask you but i guess i cant now that you say no contact no matter what.') why cant he just leave me alone. :(

 

i was going to respond with:

 

'I asked for no contact until you're not married anymore or you have decided for sure that you want to acknowledge me in your life. That is different than blowing you off. I don't appreciate you trying to make me feel guilty for something that I know is best for me. Please do not contact me again.'

 

but then i realised that is responding to his attempt to break NC. (& he will prolly yell at me for writing him on work email like he did last time i responded to HIS work email!! i can never do anyting right when it comes to him!!) i dont want him to keep sending me annoying emails or worse yet, come down here to try to talk to me in person. i want to make it CLEAR that i want NC & why. i feel ive already done that but i guess not if he is still emailing me.

 

im so sorry for my dependence on this board but i want to make sure im doing the right thing, i am so tired of screwing up & feeling like ***** afterwards. someone tell me what to do, do i just delete it & be prepared for him bugging me more about 'blowing him off'?? or do i just respond & say what i was going to say, or just say 'i said no contact & i meant it' or what???

 

:(

 

this is really distressing me, i really want to be left alone, someone tell me how to best achieve this goal- 'delete' button or strong response or the response i drafted or what?

 

I don't know, I'm not usually an advocate for breaking NC, but I actually really liked your response. I think it gets right to the point and is firm, so I'd probably send it.

 

But I can see why you'd worry that you're just getting back into the old thankless email exchange. So I don't know...I'd be interested to see what others say. Sorry I can't be more help. :(

 

Would you be willing to send this one email, to reiterate your position, and then not respond anymore when he, inevitably, tries to draw you into a conversation over email?

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neverendingsaga
I don't know, I'm not usually an advocate for breaking NC, but I actually really liked your response. I think it gets right to the point and is firm, so I'd probably send it.

 

But I can see why you'd worry that you're just getting back into the old thankless email exchange. So I don't know...I'd be interested to see what others say. Sorry I can't be more help. :(

 

Would you be willing to send this one email, to reiterate your position, and then not respond anymore when he, inevitably, tries to draw you into a conversation over email?

 

thinking about the old thankless email exchange is why i hesitated before hitting 'send' & came here instead. it seems no matter what i say or do, he needs to try to have the upper hand, & he tries to turn it back on me & make me feel guilty or angry or hopeful or anything else to talk to him. even after a short time in NC i can see his ways better. :(

 

you have a good idea that i make it clear that those are the very last words he will get out of me. i might add: 'this is the last personal email i will send you.' and then i will have to stick to it of course. that would really surprise him... part of the problem is that in the past ive been inconsistent, SAYING i wanted NC & actually keeping it despite his emails/ texts for weeks... but then caving once he calls me about a 'plan' to be together. he will inevitably try new tactics to get me to respond but i will have to stick to my guns no matter what. i cant break my word to myself again, or i will feel like doo doo.

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noforgiveness

Just respond with sorry at the present time you are married. If you wish to continue contacting me before you are officially separated with a divorce pending then I will be forced to contact your wife.

 

If he's serious about you he will continue contacting you if he is not he will run like a scared little boy.

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neverendingsaga
Just respond with sorry at the present time you are married. If you wish to continue contacting me before you are officially separated with a divorce pending then I will be forced to contact your wife.

 

If he's serious about you he will continue contacting you if he is not he will run like a scared little boy.

 

he always told me he was officially separated w/ a divorce pending. turns out it was he had half moved out & he only wanted a D in his mind. i am sick of that, he cant have me unless he is completely D'ed OR he is separated, moved completely out into a place w/ a lease, filed for D & we are a public couple. i am so sick of him wanting to email me 'secretly' when its convenient for him & then wanting to hide me the rest of the time. at this point i am just plain ANGRY at him for bothering me when i already told him NOT to contact me unless he had made up his mind & had ACTIONS to prove it.

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Good question, NES.

 

Do you personally think you made yourself clear when you went NC with him? It's so hard to tell from reading things on the forum. But I think it is vital to make it clear to someone why you're going NC, to ask them to respect that, and to give them details of how things need to change before you will accept communication from them (IF that's the case).

 

Now, I would ordinarily say, to send your firm email as a response. Because it seems like your MM isn't getting the message, and one last time won't hurt.

 

But you know, this is irking me (on your behalf, sorry!), but it seems like he's deliberately not getting the message. Argh. So I'm not surprised you're in two minds! Why the heck can't he just back off now???? This kind of thing annoys me no end.

 

Especially the fact that last time you replied he played some stupid game about 'don't use works email'. What?? He's just messing with you here and I don't like it one bit.

 

I suppose I'd err on the side of sending the 'once more, this is the deal' straightforward email. Then see what happens.

 

Any more of this and I'd consider warning him that you'll take further action if he can't stick to NC (e.g. threatening to tell his wife, get his emails blocked, even take it to HR if appropriate and you can do it safely without jeopardising your position).

 

Good luck anyway.

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Order & Chaos

Why are you guys on your work accounts? I would get off of that immediately unless you want your HR and IT depts and your boss(es) to know what is going on.

 

I would probably break NC and tell him to cease and desist at least in the work place. He is going to contribute to (potentially) both of you losing your jobs. Does your company have any policies on dating? Might be time to check out the old handbook.

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neverendingsaga
Good question, NES.

 

Do you personally think you made yourself clear when you went NC with him? It's so hard to tell from reading things on the forum. But I think it is vital to make it clear to someone why you're going NC, to ask them to respect that, and to give them details of how things need to change before you will accept communication from them (IF that's the case).

 

Now, I would ordinarily say, to send your firm email as a response. Because it seems like your MM isn't getting the message, and one last time won't hurt.

 

But you know, this is irking me (on your behalf, sorry!), but it seems like he's deliberately not getting the message. Argh. So I'm not surprised you're in two minds! Why the heck can't he just back off now???? This kind of thing annoys me no end.

 

Especially the fact that last time you replied he played some stupid game about 'don't use works email'. What?? He's just messing with you here and I don't like it one bit.

 

I suppose I'd err on the side of sending the 'once more, this is the deal' straightforward email. Then see what happens.

 

Any more of this and I'd consider warning him that you'll take further action if he can't stick to NC (e.g. threatening to tell his wife, get his emails blocked, even take it to HR if appropriate and you can do it safely without jeopardising your position).

 

Good luck anyway.

 

frannie he makes me question my own actions... i am quite sure i made it clear to him, but he acts like i didnt. i am pretty sure he gets it but he just wants to call NC 'blowing him off' b/c he doesnt like that i didnt respond to almighty him.

 

ok i am going to give him one last lay-down of the law & if he doesnt get it that is NOT my problem.

 

thank you guys for your help.

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neverendingsaga
Why are you guys on your work accounts? I would get off of that immediately unless you want your HR and IT depts and your boss(es) to know what is going on.

 

I would probably break NC and tell him to cease and desist at least in the work place. He is going to contribute to (potentially) both of you losing your jobs. Does your company have any policies on dating? Might be time to check out the old handbook.

 

no they dont & HR knows about us. this place is rampant w/ As & i am sorry i contributed to that environment. :(

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serial muse
frannie he makes me question my own actions... i am quite sure i made it clear to him, but he acts like i didnt. i am pretty sure he gets it but he just wants to call NC 'blowing him off' b/c he doesnt like that i didnt respond to almighty him.

 

ok i am going to give him one last lay-down of the law & if he doesnt get it that is NOT my problem.

 

thank you guys for your help.

 

Good luck, NES. I think it's okay to reiterate that this is laying down the law, and then go silent again. That's still strong.

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neverendingsaga

well i sent the email to XMM along w/ another paragraph saying, just to be clear, please do not contact me unless you are either D'ed or unless you have moved totally out & you have a lease, you have filed for D'ed, & you are ready to be a real couple w/ me. this will be the last personal email i send you unless/ untill that time.

 

well he wrote me right back & said this is new information than i told him before, that before i said he could contact me if he was ready to go 'public'. it also blamed me for not being clear & stated that he resents my implication that he is playing games etc. oh he also said that i hurt his feelings b/c he had 'one very important question' he really needed to ask me & he thought he was allowed to ask me something important that came up after our talk (this has changed, at first it was a couple questions he wanted to ask me but would refrain now that he knows he is not supposed to contact me) & i blew him off by not letting him ask me (this was AFTER he had sent me an email saying never mind about the questions now that he knows hes not supposed to contact me). WTF?!?!!? he makes no sense.

 

anyway i dont know how he expected us to go public if he was still living w/ her & hadnt filed for D etc. in my mind they are one in the same. but whatever i didnt write him back b/c i had promised him & myself that i wouldnt and b/c i think he understands that they are the same, he was just saying something to get me to write him back.

 

so i just ignored his email & that is what im going to continue to do. at least i have laid out the ground rules & he knows what it will take to talk to me.

 

strangely i feel guilty, like by saying 'get D'ed or you cant talk to me', im kind of forcing him to get D'ed. i thought, what if his wife saw the email, she would totally take it as me trying to force his hand. is that a weird thought?! i mean i felt guilty about his wife which is one of the many reasons i knew i needed to go NC. but now i feel even more guilty, which i think makes no sense. i guess i just have to admit that i DO want him to get D'ed, obviously, or else we cant be together. but i still want him to do it on his own & not b/c of me. maybe it is just all too complicated & there is no way to feel like it has nothing to do w/ me, b/c it does have to do w/ me & i just have to accept that fact (if he even does get D'ed, who knows)...

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whichwayisup
'Getting blown off is very upsetting. I would never do that to you.'

 

Boo hoo for him. You being the OW is upsetting to YOU, so screw him. He is just testing you to see how far he can push things and see how you'll react to it.

 

strangely i feel guilty, like by saying 'get D'ed or you cant talk to me', im kind of forcing him to get D'ed.

 

Don't feel guilty because that is HOW IT HAS TO BE. You don't want to be the OW, so the only way he can have you in his life is IF he divorces. That's the bottomline. Anything outside of that is pointless. Him wanting to talk to you about his plans, well he can do all that on his own, he doesn't need your input or support.

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This is simple.

 

Send him a two line response:

 

"I've asked you to no longer contact me outside of work related issues only. Any further personal communications will be forwarded on to HR with a request for their assistance."

 

Nothing to it.

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neverendingsaga
Boo hoo for him. You being the OW is upsetting to YOU, so screw him. He is just testing you to see how far he can push things and see how you'll react to it.

 

 

your right, i think thats exactly why he sent that. well & B/C he was moping around feeling lonely & neglected B/C i didnt contact him all weekend except to say no contact.

 

i hope he saw my response as strong & realizes he cant keep pushing me over. i am so glad i said that was going to be my last personal email B/C now i have no excuse to respond to him anymore. i will be true to myself no matter what he throws at me.

 

it almost like i love him & hate him... nearly despise him at moments like these!!... at the same time. is that even possible??

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neverendingsaga
This is simple.

 

Send him a two line response:

 

"I've asked you to no longer contact me outside of work related issues only. Any further personal communications will be forwarded on to HR with a request for their assistance."

 

Nothing to it.

 

i wish i had those cojones. sadly the last thing i could imagine myself doing is going to HR about him. i am quite sure they would side w/ him by default as he is the big man on the totem poll & im just starting out. other ppl have already gone to them about us- i guess to warn that -I- might go to them eventually?- & all they did is ask him if it was true & he denied it. we werent even really more careful after that, hr still saw us together all the time & doesnt seem to care.

 

i guess i also feel like i got into this mess myself & i have to get out of it myself. i couldnt back up that threat so i guess i shouldnt make it. (i mean unless he really did start harrassing me or taking out his personal issues by punishing me at work (which maybe he would do, i dont know, im beginning to think hes crazy. :(). in that case i would def. do something. but here i see it as him trying to use any reason to hang on to me & all i want to do is get him to stop w/out bringing anybody else into this mess. i didnt go to them when i was happy to be w/ him so i wont go to them now that im unhappy, UNLESS he tries to screw me over at work. in that case all bets are off.

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I just read your reply from another thread where you indicated that HR was possibly aware of the affair, and you were concerned that asking them for help would be hypocritical.

 

Probably not, if you approach them with the right attitude and using the right keywords.

 

If you indicate to them that you're in a "hostile work environment"...one where you're not able to focus on your job without his "harassement" in the form of his personal communications using business time and business facilities...and you're asking them to assist you...they're going to be in a situation where they pretty much HAVE to take action. If that action is against YOU...when you were the one coming to them, and you're clearly the one attempting to end the affair and get the focus back on the business...they're setting the stage for legal action against them, and they'll know that.

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Be very very careful playing the HR "hostile work environment" game. It could backfire on you, big-time. Like, you could get blacklisted in your industry as a troublemaker. This is the real world you're living in.

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The choices are pretty limited.

 

1. Do nothing about it.

 

2. Take action to get it to end.

 

3. Leave the situation.

 

This is unfortunately a very common aspect of workplace affairs. At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make.

 

The only other thing I'd add is...regardless of your involvment with him, you don't DESERVE to be treated like crap by him.

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neverendingsaga

im not going to go to HR unless he uses this against me at work to retaliate against me professionally based on something personal, or continues to harrass me at work despite my telling him not to, B/C that makes it super hard for me to concentrate & it greatly distresses me. if he does do those things then i have plenty of evidence for my case but i am truly hoping it wont come to that. i just want him to leave me alone.

 

i dont even know if im making sense, this is def. putting the cart before the horse B/C i am not going to go to HR at this point. thanks owl for the advice but im trying to do this on my own w/out bringing anyone else in.

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neverendingsaga
The choices are pretty limited.

 

1. Do nothing about it.

 

2. Take action to get it to end.

 

3. Leave the situation.

 

This is unfortunately a very common aspect of workplace affairs. At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make.

 

The only other thing I'd add is...regardless of your involvment with him, you don't DESERVE to be treated like crap by him.

 

i agree w/ everything you just said. i have done # 2 by telling him very clearly to cease all contact w/ me. if he brings work into it, i will continue to do # 2 by going to HR. but at this point he hasnt brought work into it, he is just being a selfish as! like normal. sadly i am coming to realise that.

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bentnotbroken
no they dont & HR knows about us. this place is rampant w/ As & i am sorry i contributed to that environment. :(

 

 

 

If he is in that environment, he will continue to do it with whoever. It is best for you to steer clear of his controlling behavior. You are best to remain NC. He showed you his disrespect when he contacted you this morning. He didn't care if he hurt you, just like he doesn't care for his wife and continues to hurt her.

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neverendingsaga
If he is in that environment, he will continue to do it with whoever. It is best for you to steer clear of his controlling behavior. You are best to remain NC. He showed you his disrespect when he contacted you this morning. He didn't care if he hurt you, just like he doesn't care for his wife and continues to hurt her.

 

sadly im beginning to realise your right. he is selfish & he overreacts hurtfully when his own feelings are hurt B/C he only thinks about himself. really i sit here & think, even if he was unclear about the terms of NC, if he truly loved me, wouldnt he ask me 'can you please explain what exactly is to happen b/t us untill im D'ed, i want you to be happy so im just asking so that i know the boundaries & then ill be sure to respect them.'

 

but no. he sent me an email to purposefully try to make me feel bad for what he calls blowing him off. he sends that 1st thing in the morning during a new work week!!! if he really cared about me, he wouldnt do that. he wouldnt want to make me so stressed at work at the very least.

 

he is not the man i thought he was. i had him built up into this perfectly romantic loving doting caring man. well he was but obviously only when it worked in his favor & he was getting something back. ever since ive asked for NC he has been doing one thing or another to try to go AGAINST my wishes. the last straw being that he told me he had a great plan for us to be together, only for me to find out it was just another way to talk to me & find out if im still waiting. yes i was, but im not anymore.

 

bent i want to be done w/ this forever. i am so sick of him. your right, he never cared for his wife & he only cared for me when it was best for him.

 

i just also dont want to hate him like this. i want to be indifferent & move on. how can i do that?

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neverendingsaga

maybe i dont deserve to be happy... with or w/out him. B/C all along i was trying to be happy w/ him at someone elses expense... his W. i see that now. sure, he told me a bunch of BS about her & there M to make me think it was ok to be w/ him & that theyre getting D'ed. but now i realise none of it could be true since hes still there. or else if it is true he must like it that way or why wouldnt he leave with or w/out me by now.

 

i am really having some low moments, i regret everything. how could i have wanted to be w/ him when that meant obviously he couldnt be w/ her. and part of me still wants that, i guess B/C im used to wanting it for so long, but now i realise ive been selfish just like him. i feel like something must be wrong with me. i dont have anyone to say that to except this forum B/C sadly no one else knows what im going through.

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bentnotbroken

I think the only way you get to that indifferent place is to love yourself more than you think you love the man he has pretended to be. It won't be easy or and overnight thing. It is a step by step process. But the first step is maintaining NC. He probably will continue to try to make you feel guilty, that isn't love, so be prepared to turn your attention somewhere else when he does contact you. When he invades your thoughts, look for support here from others who have gone NC or from family and friends.

 

Is there someone you can trust to tell you story to? Ask them if they are willing to help you through this difficult time. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, I will just say I pray a lot. If that isn't something you agree with, then I would definitely seek a support system.

 

There is one thing that is the same for BS and OP. We all hurt when the person we thought we had turns out to be someone less than what was expected or hoped for. I found comfort in friends and family as well as God. I made myself busy with living my life to the fullest and working on loving me more than I did him. And the man I thought he was has slowly faded from my memory and I see him the way he really is. Know that there is an end to the emotional roller coaster, you just have to be willing to step off when it slows down enough to jump off.

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neverendingsaga
I think the only way you get to that indifferent place is to love yourself more than you think you love the man he has pretended to be. It won't be easy or and overnight thing. It is a step by step process. But the first step is maintaining NC. He probably will continue to try to make you feel guilty, that isn't love, so be prepared to turn your attention somewhere else when he does contact you. When he invades your thoughts, look for support here from others who have gone NC or from family and friends.

 

Is there someone you can trust to tell you story to? Ask them if they are willing to help you through this difficult time. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, I will just say I pray a lot. If that isn't something you agree with, then I would definitely seek a support system.

 

There is one thing that is the same for BS and OP. We all hurt when the person we thought we had turns out to be someone less than what was expected or hoped for. I found comfort in friends and family as well as God. I made myself busy with living my life to the fullest and working on loving me more than I did him. And the man I thought he was has slowly faded from my memory and I see him the way he really is. Know that there is an end to the emotional roller coaster, you just have to be willing to step off when it slows down enough to jump off.

 

thank you for the kind words. when i was first w/ XMM i told a couple ppl, like my older sister & my best friend. when i stopped the A they told me they were happy i did that. when i started talking to him again after he had moved back in w/ his wife (& lied to me about that), i told my best friend but she didnt want to hear it. she told me to knock it off & if i wasnt going to take her advice about not talking to him unless hes D'ed, then she didnt want to hear it from me.

 

so this whole time i havent told anyone IRL ive still been talking to him or that i went NC from him & that now he had a plan etc. i guess i just feel embarased b/c the people who are close to me see what a failure i am. but im also beg. to see how ive been dependent on XMM as the only person who knows this 'secret'. i have realised that if im not going to talk to anyone else about him i certainly cant talk TO him... that is just perpetuating my embarasment ya know.

 

i live far away from my family so that makes it hard. but i think i will reach out & try to talk to them more & spend more time w/ my good friends, so to have other outlets besides XMM & make me happy w/out him.

 

thx again for the help. i think somehow it helped me to realise that im not happy right now & for good reason... i did stupid things that hurt me & his w even if she doesnt know it. so i cant expect everything to be rosy right away but i can work on it.

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