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Should I Back Off Altogether?


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dirty diana

I called him today. I truly needed closure to the situation and was so afraid of running into him at work and things being awkward.

 

He asked how I was doing to which I replied "Are we still friends?" He said "Uh, yeah" as if to say "Duh, of course we are." :rolleyes:

 

He apologized for not calling. Went on about how he has been busy, etc... but then he got into the meat of it. He said the day I was over and my husband called it freaked him out and he didn't know how to handle it. He said he thought he could handle the relationship but when my husband called it freaked him out and he didn't know what to do so he did nothing. His words were "Obviously you and I hit it off, but I don't know where to go with this relationship."

 

He went on to say there is obviously something there with me and my husband or I wouldn't still be with him. That it seems there is a strong chance that we will work it out and he doesn't want to get in the way of it.

 

In any case, I explained that I have no hard feelings.

 

Taylor was right when she said he backed away because of my husband. I don't understand why he didn't tell me. From the beginning he was the one to say that if we didn't want to get together anymore that we should talk about it ... I just think it's funny since he was the who pursued me. He knew I was married ...

 

Oh well. I'm cool with it and have to say I'm feeling much better. Not having closure or knowing the reason why he stopped calling really bothered me. Now that I know, I'm fine with it. I'm so glad I called.

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dirty diana
You know you cannot be 'friends' with him. At all.

 

Yeah. I know. But I don't think he wants to be friends. He was just saying that to save face. Just as much as I said it as an intro to the conversation. Lame? Yes, but it helped us both stay on neutral ground. :o

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So, shifting focus slightly...what's your gameplan for your marriage at this point?

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dirty diana
So, shifting focus slightly...what's your gameplan for your marriage at this point?

 

That's a whole other thread ...

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He apologized for not calling. Went on about how he has been busy, etc... but then he got into the meat of it. He said the day I was over and my husband called it freaked him out and he didn't know how to handle it. He said he thought he could handle the relationship but when my husband called it freaked him out and he didn't know what to do so he did nothing. His words were "Obviously you and I hit it off, but I don't know where to go with this relationship."

 

When I was about 12 yo I climbed up the ladder to jump off the high dive into the pool below. I had been diving off the low dive all summer..thought I was ready for the high dive. But when I got to the top of the ladder, I freaked out, knew I couldn't handle it, and backed down the ladder. Make sense?:)

 

Your OM, like mine, is nonconfrontational. That's probably why he chose to say "nothing." My therapist said it's the "fight or flight" effect. Under stressful or confusing situations, some choose to "flee" or withdraw, rather than face the situation head on. She said my OM was "fllighty". Yours too, probably.

 

 

 

He went on to say there is obviously something there with me and my husband or I wouldn't still be with him. That it seems there is a strong chance that we will work it out and he doesn't want to get in the way of it.

 

That sounds very cavalier of him and I am sure he meant what he said. But I will bet he also weighed the pros and cons of being the "other man.'

 

I don't understand why he didn't tell me. From the beginning he was the one to say that if we didn't want to get together anymore that we should talk about it ... I just think it's funny since he was the who pursued me. He knew I was married ...

 

Nonconfrontational...and, he changed his mind when he "got to the top of the ladder and freaked out." Sounds so much like my OM it's scary.

 

Glad you got your closure, DD.:)

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torranceshipman

The thing that really got me about this post is how you say you 'really need your space and independence'. Wow, some people really lie to themselves! You have a husband AND were involved with this other guy then got all crazy wondering why the other guy didnt call you....you are NOT independent and you DON't like space...far from it!!!!! You needed two guys!

 

Not flaming you, just pointing it out...you don't sound like the type of person that would suit the 'independent' track particularly well :D:D

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dirty diana
The thing that really got me about this post is how you say you 'really need your space and independence'. Wow, some people really lie to themselves! You have a husband AND were involved with this other guy then got all crazy wondering why the other guy didnt call you....you are NOT independent and you DON't like space...far from it!!!!! You needed two guys!

 

Not flaming you, just pointing it out...you don't sound like the type of person that would suit the 'independent' track particularly well :D:D

 

The part about space and independence was with regard to my marriage. I don't think that was spelled out in the OP. The OM asked if I would ever get married again or date someone long term and live with them and I said no. I want space and independence meaning I want to live on my own and make my own decisions. One of the problems in my marriage is my husband does not give me enough space. We seperated last year for six months and I was explaining to the OM how much I enjoyed the space and independence. I wouldn't say I got "crazy" that the OM didn't call but it bothered me until I found out why.

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dirty diana

He called. At first he razzed me about some work my department didn't get done. When I said I would take care of it he said he'd already talked to someone it. So then he said he just called to say good morning. He asked how I'm doing and if I'm having any fun. I said no, not anymore. From there he spilled the beans ...

 

Now some of you may wonder why I bother to post an update instead of moving on. But what can I say? I'm human and need to share this with someone. It's not everyday I get a peek inside the male psyche and frankly, it was intriguing. So I am sorry to anyone this offends --namely those who feel I should be focused on my marriage instead. :o

 

Anyway, when I made the comment about not having fun he said --Yes, it was certainly a lot of fun. Why do you have to be married? You told me you and your husband spend a lot of time together and I knew it would be hard to continue seeing one another w/o getting in trouble. And we would have gotten in a lot of trouble. You have an incredible body and are good at what you do. We would have gotten in trouble because I would have wanted to see you more and spend more time with you. We would have gotten in trouble and I didn't want any part of that. I thought I could do it, but man I just felt so guilty.

 

I threw in a few mmmm's and uh huhs here and there but that was it. It was like he knew the questions I wanted answers to w/o being asked.

 

He went on to say besides the situation with me he's been thinkin a lot about his on/off again girlfriend and missing her. He said he knows their relationship is never going to be but he misses her and longs for her. Said he's just frustrated with dating altogether and just wants to give it up. Says he's in a funk and that he gets that way sometimes.

 

He talked about my marriage and how before his wife passed away he was in the position I'm in now as far as how I feel about my marriage. Said he loved his wife and thought she was a great person but there was just something missing. He said sometimes relationships are like that and couples just need to refocus on their marriage or if they think there is no hope get out of it. He said he understands how scary it is to consider divorcing the person you've spent so much of your life with. (He was married ten years.) The story of how his wife passed (if it's true) would have to play a part in the funk he's in too, but that's an even longer story.

 

I recently began reading the book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'. The book says when men have a problem or something stressful to consider they go into their "cave" and think about it. They don't come out of the cave until they have a solution to the problem. As

women, we don't realize they have gone into the cave. We see it as them distancing themselves or rejecting us. We then make the mistake of following them into their cave by asking what's wrong, what we did, etc. This throws a wrench into their caving process so they become irritable or stay away from us all together. The book says that caving typically happens after a man has fullfilled his need for intimacy.

 

I haven't finished the book, so perhaps I'm taking it the wrong way. But for now, I figure what happened with me and him is the situation stressed him out so badly (along with his other personal stuff) he ran into his cave. Once he had a chance to think it through and came up with a solution, he was ready to share and talk to me.

 

It was a good conversation -- very insightful. The last few minutes of the conversation he talked about his doubt of finding someone who will love him unconditionally. I encouraged him that he will find someone and to leave his heart open. It was a pleasant conversation and one I'm glad we had.

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The part about space and independence was with regard to my marriage. I don't think that was spelled out in the OP. The OM asked if I would ever get married again or date someone long term and live with them and I said no. I want space and independence meaning I want to live on my own and make my own decisions. One of the problems in my marriage is my husband does not give me enough space. We seperated last year for six months and I was explaining to the OM how much I enjoyed the space and independence. I wouldn't say I got "crazy" that the OM didn't call but it bothered me until I found out why.

 

You sound so much like me, DD!!

 

It was a good conversation -- very insightful. The last few minutes of the conversation he talked about his doubt of finding someone who will love him unconditionally. I encouraged him that he will find someone and to leave his heart open. It was a pleasant conversation and one I'm glad we had.

 

The nail in the coffin! He's throwing out all the lines - waiting for you to step in, feel sorry for him, rescue him, love him - and you tell him that somewhere out there is someone ELSE who will, one day! Perhaps a slightly less pleasant conversation for him - but one he needed to have.

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dirty diana
You sound so much like me, DD!!

 

 

 

The nail in the coffin! He's throwing out all the lines - waiting for you to step in, feel sorry for him, rescue him, love him - and you tell him that somewhere out there is someone ELSE who will, one day! Perhaps a slightly less pleasant conversation for him - but one he needed to have.

 

LOL! I never thought of it that way. I wonder if that is why he sent an email at the end of the day saying it was good talking with me and wishing me a good evening. I must have been on his mind ... :rolleyes:

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Do you want to continue to have a relationship with this man, or do you want to be married?

 

Where is your H in all of this?

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dirty diana
Do you want to continue to have a relationship with this man, or do you want to be married?

 

Where is your H in all of this?

 

The thing I don't like about you Owl is you're so darned reasonable.

To answer your question about my H ... I don't know. :( Not because of the OM ...

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whichwayisup

Reasonable is good. All he is trying to do is help you get your priorities together. Meaning, focussing more on your own husband rather than the OM.

 

It's time that you do start focussing on your marriage, either fix it or end it. Get counselling to help you get to where you need to be.

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pelicanpreacher

I don't see very much hope for your marriage lasting into a nether future. Your separation period gave you a taste of the independence and "space" you've craved for so many years and that is going to be too difficult to relinquish in order to return to the constraints of a committed relationship. Your cravings have obviously grown stronger since your reunion with your husband and now overrides all feelings you may have once had for your marriage. This guarantees that you'll return to this state of mind more and more often over time which will inevitably drive your dissatisfaction with remaining with your husband to a breaking point.

 

Conversely, your husband may be quietly "caving" himself as he mentally and emotionally resolves the deepening rift he's undoubtedly experiencing within your marriage to "beat you to the punch" in preparation for a life of his own on his own. So... don't be too terribly shocked if you come home one day to find a "parking lot" and more space than you've ever seen in your life!

 

No flaming intended here...just revelation!:eek:

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Actually, I agree quite a bit with Pelican on this.

 

That's why I'm never an advocate for seperation in a marriage. It doesn't lead to 'missing' the other person...it leads to divorce.

 

And DD, I'm sorry I'm soo...reasonable. LOL...I'm sure you'll find other posters around here who disagree! :)

 

WWIU is right, which is why I keep prodding you...its time that you started facing facts in your life, and dealing with the repercussions of all that's gone on and how it impacts your marriage is first in that mix.

 

In a "perfect world"...would you save your marriage if it could be fixed?

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That's why I'm never an advocate for seperation in a marriage. It doesn't lead to 'missing' the other person...it leads to divorce.

 

That varies from case to case, IME. I've seen definite cases of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and others of "absence makes the heart go wander". I think it all depends on the underlying situation, and how the MPs view that once they're not in the thick of it.

 

Where the M is meeting their needs, the absence of it makes them miss it and want it back. Where the M is stifling their growth and stomping on their needs, the freedom of separation makes them aware of how better life would be without the M. The risk is where one party has a realisation the one way, and the other the other way - which may be what led to the need for separation in the first place.

 

But I'm not sure why you have a problem with separation, Owl - if the parties come to realise, through being apart, that they'd rather be apart - why would you rather they were together? Surely it's better for all concerned for people to be happy apart than miserable together?

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But I'm not sure why you have a problem with separation, Owl - if the parties come to realise, through being apart, that they'd rather be apart - why would you rather they were together? Surely it's better for all concerned for people to be happy apart than miserable together?

 

I have an issue when they've not done the work to repair the relationship BEFORE the seperation. I would agree...its better if they're happier seperated...AFTER they've done all that they can to prove that the relationship is unviable before they seperate.

 

My issue with seperation is that so many people recommend it BEFORE they recommend solid marriage counseling, working through the issues, etc...

 

If you seperate, when things are bad between you...then of course you're going to be more and more happy with being away from what you see as the source of your pain. It removes the conflict. BUT...it does NOT prove that the marriage/relationship was untenable to begin with!!! The problems could very likely have been resolved and the marriage saved if they'd NOT seperated and worked through the issues.

 

Let me put it this way...my wife and I considered a seperation shortly after my discovery of her affair. Had we continued, and seperated...I firmly believe that we would have NEVER recovered our marriage. We would have both walked away...and we'd have never had the wonderful relationship that we have today. Even my wife is darn glad today that I didn't let that go through...

 

Its easy to associate the problem with the person...seperation from the person can lead to a removal away from the stress of dealing with the problem...which makes so many people think that the problem IS the person. That's not normally the case...the issue isn't normally the PERSON, but more often its got to do with poor interactions between the two...which can often be resolved with work and effort.

 

If you seperate when you're having a rough time, ESPECIALLY if one of the two is involved in affair...it nearly always does lead to "absence makes the heart wander". Its easier to run from the problem rather than fix it...ESPECIALLY when you have someone to run TO. Then you get to avoid any problems, any blame, etc... You AVOID the issue, rather than solve it.

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When I was about 12 yo I climbed up the ladder to jump off the high dive into the pool below. I had been diving off the low dive all summer..thought I was ready for the high dive. But when I got to the top of the ladder, I freaked out, knew I couldn't handle it, and backed down the ladder. Make sense?:)

 

Your OM, like mine, is nonconfrontational. That's probably why he chose to say "nothing." My therapist said it's the "fight or flight" effect. Under stressful or confusing situations, some choose to "flee" or withdraw, rather than face the situation head on. She said my OM was "fllighty". Yours too, probably.

 

 

 

 

 

That sounds very cavalier of him and I am sure he meant what he said. But I will bet he also weighed the pros and cons of being the "other man.'

 

 

 

Nonconfrontational...and, he changed his mind when he "got to the top of the ladder and freaked out." Sounds so much like my OM it's scary.

 

Glad you got your closure, DD.:)

 

Yup, mine too, he thinks by ignoring me- no text, no IM, no calls, it will just fade away. I ended up confronting him, after all I needed closure. Even then on the phone him ummmph and arrrred over it and said that I caught him off guard, arrr durrrrrrrrrr? He even tried to palm me off saying that he will send me an email explaining...? what exactly? Eventually he coughed it all and it seems that its my inability to love, well, can't win them all.

 

And then he turned around and ask me if we can still be friends. I said no. He then launch and started saying that he will be going to KL in Oct and will stop off in Thailand for a week. And what about my trip to Goa? You know, the way that he said it, its like, come on, this can be a good holiday fling? Maybe it was my imagination:laugh: Anyhow, I rejected all his propositions and deleted and blocked him off IM etc

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dirty diana

My husband and I were seperated for six months. We were in counseling the entire time and for a short while after I moved back home. Things were okay for a while but we started to fall back into old patterns.

I was not ready to move back home when I did. I think I did it out of guilt because my husband was hurting so badly without me. We used to spend all of our time together so it was really hard for him not having me around. Now that I have broken vows and slept with another man, I almost wish I would have just stayed seperated. I think that would have hurt less than me cheating on him. :o

 

I don't know what to do ...

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I don't know what to do ...

 

Well, that's your first indication.

 

You need to decide what to do from here. Sitting here in limbo isn't going to fix anything in any direction, is it?

 

Make a choice, decide what you want to happen, then get a gameplan for getting there.

 

Step #1...figure out what you want.

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pelicanpreacher
My husband and I were seperated for six months. We were in counseling the entire time and for a short while after I moved back home. Things were okay for a while but we started to fall back into old patterns.

I was not ready to move back home when I did. I think I did it out of guilt because my husband was hurting so badly without me. We used to spend all of our time together so it was really hard for him not having me around. Now that I have broken vows and slept with another man, I almost wish I would have just stayed seperated. I think that would have hurt less than me cheating on him. :o

 

I don't know what to do ...

 

Yep! It's time to "Come to Jesus" on this! The deed is done so you may as well sit him down, tell him what you've done, and why. Let the chips fall where they may for his untimely call during the midst of your "flagrante delicto" may have been just coincidence or his yet unspoken accusation evidencing carnal awareness of your marital transgression.

 

You feel how you feel about husband and your marriage and have felt this way for some time without resolution. Disclosure now might just be the catalyst your husband needs to remove his rose colored glasses, see you and this marriage in a different light, and provide the both of you with the impetus to decisively and permanently change those patterns causing the growing wedge in your relationship or move on with your lives altogether.

 

Sometimes a weak forest choking with dead undergrowth must be allowed to burn to cinder so that new and healthy growth can emerge in its stead.

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