My story. I want it to end.

[neverendingsaga]

Wish i'd found this forum sooner. At this point i am so confused i have no idea what to do.

 

I have a long story and i've been reading other stories on here with some similarities and some differences. So lemme give you all the particuliar situation and ask for your take on it. I know that some of you have to be smarter than me & how i've been handling all of this. Which has not been good.

 

MM was my boss. Tipycal I know! We were super attracted to each other and I fell for him before I knew he was married. I found out from someone else that he was married-- this was before our affair had started but we were spending every moment possible flirting etc. and he was really into me so this info. floored me. i had worked for him for almost half a year and i never knew he was married! When i asked him he said yes he was married but it was over between them for a long time and he was separated.

 

We were together in secret, for one reason BC he was my boss and for another reason because he was getting divorced and didn't want a new relationship to interfere with that. i thought anyway.

 

Then i found out he wasn't even separated. He said they slept in seperate rooms but that wasn't good enough for me. I know it sounds silly now but i never wanted to be w/ a MM. I told him that and i stopped seeing him. Shortly after i told him, he moved out. This is why i think he really loved me & that maybe my situation is a little different than some here. Not that that makes it any easier. We'd only been together a couple mths & he moved out telling me that he really was separated and he wanted to prove this to me. OK. I must admit I loved him too in a deeply passionate way I never felt before in my life. This has been my hangup since finding out he was married, i just feel that i love him so much. Now i thought he was truly separated & i started seeing him again. Still in secret.

 

I got really tired of being a secret. He kept telling me he was getting D'ed but it wasn't happening. I was so confused. I started realizing it would be a long time until he was D'ed. I told him i needed to be alone until his divorce was final BC i wasn't happy. I guess i was mean to him out of frustraton, I was all over the place BC I loved him but i didn't want to be with him like that. I also wasn't sure if he was getting D'ed to be with me or BC he was just getting divorced anyway. This was something i wanted to be sure of, it really bugged me. So i told him not to factor me in. That i was going to move on and live my life and he really wanted me he could come and get me when he was ready for me not to be a secret in his life.

 

That point was probably the best i felt about things. I mean i missed him and i cried BC I truly loved him & i thought he loved me. But at that point i didn't know what else to do but leave. It felt like the right thing to do but since then it has all gone downhill, BC it wasn't really TRUE. I wasn't moving on and living my life, i was still waiting for him and we were no longer even together. So i felt i was just hanging there waiting and not being able to move on BC i don't know what's really going on. I still feel like that right today. He kept telling me he loved me & was getting D'ed and asking me if i was dating other guys and to please wait for him. I'm so stupid BC i let him back into my heart several times. I didn't start up the whole relationship again but i'd talk to him about the state of his marriage & stuff. He just always sounded so confused & his statements would flip flop. I think he just started to parrot what he thought i wanted to hear. Really what i wanted to hear was the truth.

 

Well I caught him in a lie several months ago and that was the last straw, i thought. He kept telling me he wanted to see me and i gave in & said OK, i really missed him. But he wanted to go to a hotel and that made me feel so cheap, i said why can't we just go to your place like we always did. oh i live with friends who don't know about him except for one so we never went to my place. He told me he had moved into the place next door to where he used to live & it was a mess. His story made no sense to me & i had a really bad feeling about it. So while we were on the phone i drove to his old place and the place next door had a different car in the driveway than his- of course. The truth was he had moved back in w/ his wife. This is the part that makes me question if he loves me, the lying of course but also why would he have moved back in w/ her if he truly wanted to be w/ me. He tried to tell me it was just for convenence sake while they worked out their divorce BC he had to move out of the old place & he did live in the place next door for awhile after that & he was too embarrassed to tell me he was living w/ his wife again so he said he was still living there. He told me he loved me and begged me to forgive him & said he was so happy i was talking to him again and he doesn't want me to leave his life for good anymore, and that he would never lie to me again.

 

I was so mad at him, but i felt bad for him at the same time, I don't know why, i guess BC i love him. How stupid is that. I had so many mixed emotions. I was glad we hadn't gone & done something physical when actually he was living back w/ his wife. I felt bad for resorting to snooping on him. And i hated him for lying to me. But i still loved him. Thats the strange thing. I should've told him to never to contact me again. Instead i said i don't know what's up with you & your wife, it's too hard for me to be wondering about that and we can't be together while you're married. I obviously still love you but this just isn't working, please just don't contact me again until you get divorced. I had tried everything so i just tried to be honest and say i still love you but i never wanted to be with you while you're married.

 

ANYWAY UP TO THE CURRENT DAY (YESTERDAY) -- THE SAGA BEGINS AGAIN. Actully it never completely ended BC he still tried to contact me sometimes but i kept ignoring him, and telling him not to give me vague promises but only to tell me when it was for certain. This let him know i was still waiting-of course- & sometimes I felt like my heart was being ripped out w/ false hope and i wanted to just ignore him unless he really does get D'ed.

 

But yesterday out of the blue he sent me a text msg saying saying that he is getting divorced and he hopes i will say yes when he invites me on a trip to one of our former favorite places. That part was not unordinary, but it said that he can give me an exact date in 12 days. I said an exact date for what, and he said, for our trip BC i will know an exact date for my divorce in 12 days. What could that mean? I'm so confused again and feeling so stupid. I texted him back and said, well let me know in 12 days then. He said i will and i love you, you deserve all my love, i can't wait for us to be together. Since then he hasn't texted me or tried to talk to me so it makes me think that for once he's finally listening when i say only contact me when you can give me exact info. about your D.

 

Am i stupid to think this way? I really don't know anymore. Does he just raise my hopes and want to dash them? Or could something really be happening in 12 days? I can't figure out why he would say 12 days. I still want to be with him, is that ridiculous or what? I don't know what to do, i want to forget all about him until he is actually divorced but i've never been able to do that. I woke up this morning thinking "11 more days", how pathetic is that?!?!

 

I don't know what to do -- give him 11 more days and if it turns out that nothing happens-again-then harden my heart to him forever? I just feel like this is it. If it doesn't happen now i will not give him one more chance to make me feel so hopeful & then have my hopes squashed. But in the 11 days i have little resolve to ignore him, which is my usual course, i just want to say what is happening in 11 days? Maybe he just did this to make me feel closer to him and give me more hope. In that case i don't even want to wait the 11 days to tell him to leave me alone for good.

 

I just read this over, it's so long & i'm sorry about that. I also see that i sound like a complete bafoon. I want him to get D'ed or i want to really move on w/ my life instead of just saying that. In what i WANT i'm not confused but in what i DO i'm confused BC it is all based on whether or not he's really getting D'ed or if he just shovels me pigcrap and i keep eating it. I'm really down & really glad to find this forum b/c it helps just to tell someone out there what's been going on. I don't know if i'm looking for hope to stay waiting for him or strength to leave him. My biggest fear is i will give up and put him out of my life just when he actully does get D'e'd.

[quankanne]

why would you want to hang on to a relationship that was never an honest one to begin with?

 

feelings aside, would you put up with this kind of story-telling and generally wishy-washy behavior from a friend? From a relative? Like many others, I think your answer would be "no," that after a certain period of trying to be considerate, you'd tell that person you don't operate on those terms and you're not going to put up with said behavior. Despite the love factor, I don't think a lovers' relationship should be any different ... the other person needs to respect you enough to deal straight with you, and after ****ing up a certain number of times, you really ought to think seriously about walking away. Because everytime you allow yourself to get sucked in, that just further cements the way the relationship with that person is going to be.

 

if this were me, I'd wish him luck, then turn and walk away without looking behind to see what his reaction was. Because I think this guy played you for a fool long enough ...

[neverendingsaga]

why would you want to hang on to a relationship that was never an honest one to begin with?

 

I guess to be honest i have hope that he will change and be honest w/ me. I realize as i write this how stupid that sounds. I guess i've thought of him as a good person w/ good intentions who f**ks up a lot. That's giving him alot of credit huh.

 

if this were me, I'd wish him luck, then turn and walk away without looking behind to see what his reaction was. Because I think this guy played you for a fool long enough ...

 

thank you, i needed to hear this. i feel so weak. i want to just say goodbye & leave but i know he will start trying to talk to me & giving me all these excuses that sound good at the time BC i love him & i want to believe he loves me. I guess i was looking at the 12 days to be a good time period to say "you see, i trusted you again and you didn't come through. this was the last straw." Then it would be harder for him to wiggle out of, whereas now he will just come back with "what did i do? I am just trying to prove to you that i'm getting D'ed!" And apart of me wants to see if he really will do anything concrete in the 12 days time period or else why would he say it.

 

I think what i'm trying to say is logically i agree w/ what you say but my heart finds reasons for me to not walk away just yet. I guess i should go back and read your post over and over BC that's how i WANT to be.

[mistresswchildren]

Everything you are feeling is what many of us here have already or are continuing to go through. A lot of the time it feels like you are banging your head against a wall. The rift between the mind and the heart is definitely a common idea for me. I know what I should do, and I know what I WANT to do, but my heart ultimately rules me. I have gotten better at this only because I have my focus elsewhere (two kids from the affair). This actually sounds like a lot of people. Also, the whole idea of hope is so familiar.

 

It is "10 days" for me. I was originally waiting for the MM to come home on leave in 10 days from today. I thought it would be bliss, and then I came here. I got a fresh dose of reality, which I desperately needed.

 

I do, however, have to give you credit. You seem to have done everything with a degree of class (except for the whole sleeping with a MM thing, but I'm not pointing fingers). You ended it. You tried to go NC. You really did seem to stick to your ground on those things. This is something I never did. Now, my only advice is to give it up. Those are just words to you right now, but keep coming here. Listen to these people. They know what they are talking about. Some point soon, you will realize that it is unrealistic to want a relationship with this man. There is only one person on here that posts regularly that had her situation work out. That should tell you something. Hang in there. Somehow you will find the strength.